Box Populi

I’m well aware that the folks who make movie trailers are not the same people who make the movies.  Movies can be made by creative, intelligent auteurs, while the previews you see before major motion pictures are done primarily by hacks.  The people who make the trailers don’t care if they reveal the ending or a big scene from the final reel or give away important plot points - they are paid to create something that makes people want to see the film; whether one enjoys said film or has it ruined by the very trailer that spurred them into the cinema in the first place is not at issue.

That being said, they really get it wrong when the trailer asks questions that take focus completely away from the primary mission of the trailer, that is – to get people to see the movie.  For instance, take The Box.  (And, based on early reviews, you can take it, as I won’t be seeing it.)  At its core, the film is about a moral dilemma: would you kill a stranger for a million dollars?  A good premise, no doubt, and since I’ve seen an earlier adaptation – an old Twlight Zone episode – I know that there’s a twist that makes the story exceptional.  So, as a trailer-maker, you want to stress this psychological drama and throw in a little action for fun.  You do not want to have moviegoers so wrapped up with questions so ancillary to this primary notion that they draw attention away from the movie you’re hoping to promote.

And that’s why I have to ask: In the trailer for The Box, just what the hell is up with Nixon’s face?!  I’m sure it’s explained in the movie but I’m not going to see it, so I’ll never know.  And it’s up there, on the screen, so bloody prominent, like a wart on your blind date’s nose.  Why show us?  It’s not like I’m even thinking about anything else now.  Why did Cyclops lose his job?  Is Cameron Diaz’s accent really that bad?  Do they press the button on the titular box?  I’m not asking these questions; I do not even remotely care.  All I can think of is that damn face!  Was it chewed on by badgers?  Did he sit too close to an acetylene torch?  Why doesn’t he wear makeup or a mask?  If the film were called The Face, I would be justified in being obsessed over these questions (and I would have been there this afternoon in the front row, eager to have my curiosity sated).  But, no.  It’s called The Box and I don’t give a damn about any box.

I mean, seriously, did he fall asleep on a hot plate or something?

The Best Movies Of All Time Map

Pretty self-explanatory.  And pretty darn sweet, too.  Check it out HERE.

Six Favorite Game Show Sketches

Technically, there are others that would be on the list if they were on YouTube, but I think this lot gives you a good glimpse into the world of game show parody.

6) Night School Hi-Q

5) The Lillian Verner Game Show – Mad TV

4) University Challenge – The Young Ones

3) World Forum – Monty Python’s Flying Circus

2)  Wordwang - That Mitchell And Webb Look

And …

1) Feelyat - Kids in the Hall

Burma!

It’s National Penguin Day, so what better way to celebrate than Monty Python’s classic sketch. Enjoy!

Scare Factory

Greetings, oh, intrepid wanderer!  How fortunate that you should seek comfort here in this humble domicile.  Many weary travelers have stopped to warm themselves by my fire, but be warned!  Those selfsame journeyers have also been seen later running away from this house screaming into the night.  Those that didn’t have lost their minds to an evil beyond your darkest imaginings!

For, yes, dear soul, you have now entered the HAUNTED HOUSE OF CURRENT EVENTS HELL!!!!!!!!

Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!!!!

Witness, if you dare, in this echo-ridden chamber, an act of such dire ego that even its master does not fully comprehend its true malevolence!  There, in the corner: is that Sarah Palin?  Yes, and she has continued to garner attention with her new book.  Or is it the feud with a fertile mouth-breather she once claimed to adore that gains her headlines?  The holdover mock indignation from a late night host’s jest surely fades away in recent months; watch as she struggles to grasp for relevance in a sound bite arena.  Careful, as this woman honestly believes that quitting is a positive step on the road to greater victories.  Or is she merely an earth-born vessel for Satan himself, a willful servant of chaos and political folly?  And can we ever truly know the difference?

But, come now, we must move on.  Here, into this dark room. Hold your nose; mind the stench.  It is the stench of celebrity, a cancer on the soul.  But this is not a normal celebrity, hard earned through talent and work.  No, this is the celebrity of the reality TV show family.  Look – glued to the ceiling - the Heene family, instigators of the Balloon Boy hoax.  They wanted attention and now their forms are splayed in terror above for all to see.  “Be careful what you wish for” is a lesson that comes with unimaginable suffering.  And over here – that small car – watch as child after child after child emerges.  The offspring of infinite Duggars and Octomoms and Jon & Kates.  They are forever spat out in succession, like a carnival or circus, because, here in the Haunted House Of Current Events Hell, the vagina IS a clown car!  Responsibility?  Love?  Caring?  These words are foreign here and they ring hollow when whispered.  Ah, but look, the ghost of Thomas Malthus emerges from his grave to suckle the young children.  Let us move along.

Here, in the laboratory of overreaction, what has the psychotic Doctor Media cobbled up here in his workplace?  Ugh!  A concoction of panic, ignorance and desire.  The H1N1 pandemic is among us.  What hope, you ask?  The vaccine that hovers above us like a sword of Damocles?  Dare we take hold of the syringe?   What horrid future awaits if we do – sickness and death?  But is that not the fate of those who go without?  The talking heads in Doctor Media’s lab howl at our indecision!  They revel in the malignance of a public frozen in its fear, fed by the very droppings they spew.  Stare down the profane multi-headed Hydra as it lashes out at its creator!  No!  The media is out of control!  Run!  Run, now, I beg you!

Huh.  Huh.  Huh.  Stop, now.  The danger has passed for the moment.  We may rest a while.  Look about you.  What evil could lurk here amongst these rows of plush seats?  This is first class and you are to be pampered here.  Food, drink, luxurious comfort, your whims catered to as befits your kingly status.  But, wait!  Look at the clock as it spins round and round.  Something sinister is occurring n the cockpit!  Are the pilots asleep?  Arguing?  Googling something obscene on their laptops?  We will never know for this is the unending Northwest flight!  Destination Minneapolis?  No!  Destination: HELL!

Now, follow, quickly!  Our trek is almost at an end.  Let us pause here, but a moment, in the hall of Health Care Reform.  Look over there: the pained expression, the rants, the outrageous speech, the hyperbole.  Are they hordes of the damned, the undead or merely rabid?  Hard to tell but, no, Glenn Beck has merely incited hordes of tea baggers to infest town hall meetings, shouting down reason for their own selfish, impossible goals.  And over there: a Democratic party in chaos, deranged from inactivity and inertia.  They offer nonsense on a platter and will bend like a reed in the wind to any will stronger than their own.  Ah, but this is Washington, a special hell unto itself, where ideas are like anuses in that everyone has one and most of them stink!

Now, quickly!  Run!  Towards the light!  Past the Andre Agassi memoir!  Beyond the early western snowfall!  Avoid the Taylor Swift Swastikas!  Overlook the over-hyped Michael Jackson documentary!  Disregard the push for Roman Polanski’s release and discussion of Dennis Hopper’s prostate!!  Go!  Head for the exits! 

Ahhh!!!!  Yes, we have escaped!!!  Consider yourselves worthy.  Few have ever ventured into the pit of ultimate darkness that is the Haunted House of Current Events Hell and lived to tell the tale.  Now, go!  Speak only of what you have seen here today in hushed tones.  But, warn others!  Tell your friends!

And remember: the Haunted House of Current Events Hell is open every night from 7 to 10 until Halloween!  All proceeds go to the local Civitan!  Drive safely!

THE 13 WORST THINGS ABOUT HALLOWEEN

Don’t get me wrong. I love Halloween! The candy, the costumes… well, hey, that’s pretty much enough to make a party in my book.  But like any party, all it takes is one gropey uncle or one spiked punch bowl to make it a miserable experience.  So that’s why I think it’s important to take note of what ruins a good Halloween.  Like the Special Dark lurking in a bag of Hershey’s miniatures, here are the 13 WORST THINGS ABOUT HALLOWEEN.

TV episodes where all the people have costumes far cooler and more expensive than real folks would ever have.  It’s a cool sitcom contrivance: the high school, college or office Halloween party.  It’s topical and can get you a decent promotional push.  But almost every time, the attendees are depicted wearing get-up that would make even the late Stan Winston envious.  Theatrical make-up, tailor-made costumes.  In real life, it takes lots of time and money to make a really good Halloween costume.  And I’m not talking about taping some candy wrappers and a soda cup to your shirt and going as a movie theatre floor.  Something really cool can cost you big bucks or a good weekend or two if you’re making it yourself.  And yet every Saved By The Bell and 90210 has these kids running around dressed up like they’ve spent eight hours in the make-up trailer preparing to be an extra in Lord of the Rings.

The older trick or treaters.  Me, I stopped trick or treating in earnest when I was 11.  When I was 12, I got dragged along by some friends, even though I insisted we were too old (and I felt way guilty about it).  Still, every year I was in junior high and high school, after all the little kids had come to our door, the older kids would come by – kids my age – and beg for candy.  Most of them had very little in the way of costume, too.  Not saying they were naked, just wearing their every day street clothes and maybe and eye patch or a funny nose they’d hope would pass as a costume.  It was stupid, it was humiliating and these jokers weren’t fooling anyone.  They were past it.

The wanton vandalism. Eggs. TP.  Soaping the windows.  Destroying jack-o-lanterns.  Anyone who’s ever been a victim knows it stinks.  And it’s not as though someone took “trick or treat” as gospel and decided to get even with some old crone who gave them a popcorn ball.  No, they just decided to be punks and have a little fun.  Fun?  Seriously, what are you?  15?  And, if you are 15, grow the hell up.

Spiders.  I  know the decorations and themes are supposed to be scary but enough with the spiders.  I know that no one would have a real bloody skull floating in the punch bowl, but that spider on the table could be real and there isn’t enough candy in the world to make me want to brave a tarantula on the lazy Susan next to the ghost cupcakes.

The lights-outers. I’m not talking about the folks who have their lights out.  Nope, these good people are using the universal symbol of “no trick or treating please” – the unlit porch light.  I’m talking about the goofballs who turn off their porch light out as you walk up to the door!  Happened to me more than once when I was a kid.  Never forgot it and I’ll never understand it.

Bad Dracula impressions.  What is it about a person that makes them want to do an impression badly?  “I vant to suck your blood!”  Guaranteed the idiots who take great joy in doing this have never seen the original 1931 Bela Lugosi film.

Waiting for an adult.  That agonizing time between when you get home and get your costume on and the adult who’s taking you trick or treating gets home and gets ready.  And god help them if darkness falls and you haven’t set out on your trek yet.  Once, when I was about 7, I not only had to wait for my mother to get home but I then had to wait for her stupid boyfriend to come over and take me out trick or treating.  I’m sure the phrase, “But all the good candy will be gone!” was exasperatingly uttered more than once that night.

The Monster Mash. A bad song?  No way. It was cool. The first time you heard it when you were 8.  But ten million plays later, it loses its charm and novelty and makes you want to stab Bobby “Boris” Pickett in the chest with a wooden stake, an act made only slightly less satisfying by the fact that he died in 2007.

“And what are you supposed to be?”  People who don’t get your costume suck.  I’m not talking about people who can’t understand why the sorority girls all dress in green, forcing them to  say with sheer glee as if they were the first to ever think of it, “We’re Gang-Green!”  Or those who can’t grasp the obscure TV, film or comic book references that are so esoteric they barely qualify as pop culture.  No, those costumes aren’t meant to be “gotten” by most and that’s why people do it.  No, I’m talking about when you’re six and you go trick or treating and you get to that door with the over-eager dowager who’s so pleased to be getting visitors and she says, “And what are you supposed to be?”  “Lady, I’m six, my mom bought the costume at Woolworth’s.  I’ve got a tail, I’m dressed in fur and I’ve got a cat mask on.  I’m a freakin’ cat!  My brother, the one with the white sheet and the two eye holes, he’s a ghost. And, right now, we’re both this close to knocking your fat arse down and taking all your candy and running.”

Local haunted houses.  Not saying they can’t be fun, but when the Jaycees decide to raise a little money and turn a closed-down Applebee’s into a haunted house for the Halloween season, it’s never really that scary.  It’s guys wrapped in toilet paper and Jell-o brain molds and people jumping out from behind doors.  Dude, I watched The Exorcist when I was 12, you wanna scare me, you better rip someone’s still-beating heart out of their chest with your fist and eat it.  All this is made more disappointing because I’ve seen it done right.  When I was a kid, a group of theatre students every year would rent some old spooky house and do it up and call it Scream In The Dark.  They’d get made up in amazing costumes and make-up and scare the roof off the sucker!  I went every year from when I was 10 to 17 and I was never disappointed. One year, I took a bunch of neighborhoods kids with me, all a few years younger than I was, and they were scared $#!&less!  One had to be led out crying by one of the staff because he couldn’t make it all the way through.  Awesome. 

People who think it’s all about Satan.  First, do some research and study history.  It’s got to do with the Celts and the harvest and a bunch of other crap.  If you think dressing up as Gopher from the Love Boat is evil, you’ve got bigger issues than condemning a holiday that is sod all about the devil and more about getting all the candy you can carry.  And yet every year these righteous holes have their Hell Houses and trunk or treating to keep the good kids away from the bad kids who want to play chicken with the demons by dressing up and going door to door.

The lame stuff.  Toothbrushes.  Bible verses.  Candy apples.  And don’t even get me started on having to go to the hospital to X-ray your candy.

The Paul Lynde Halloween Special. Donny & Marie.  Florence Henderson.  Betty White.  Billy Barty.  Pinky Tuscadero.  Witchiepoo from H. R. Pufnstuf.  KISS.  And the funniest confirmed bachelor the 70s had to offer.  Now, this is true evil!

           Sparky MacMillan will rise out of the pumpkin patch. He flies through the air and brings toys to all the children of the world.

Garrulous Grub

Normally, I don’t care for the advertising trend of talking food.  I want what I eat to not have much in the way of sentience and that’s why I’m a vegetarian.  But the ads for this UK show make me giggle.  Yes, giggle, like a freakin’ schoolgirl, so get over it already!  Maybe it’s the cheeky British accents (I doubt they’d be as charming with a Deep South twang or New Jersey patois.  Maybe it’s the quick banter and in/out motif that hits you with the concept and leaves you wanting more.  Either way, it’s a fun little look at food with a bite.

Put On Your Thinking Tuques

If anyone’s interested, and if you’re in the Triangle area, my latest gig begins tonight!  (That’s Wednesday, October 28, 2009, for anyone reading this after the Internet crashes in 2012.)  Yes, Sparky Mac will be Master of Ceremonies at Tomato Jake’s Trivia Wednesdays.  Game begins at 8pm and I hope it’ll be fun, entertaining and even a wee bit challenging.  Prizes go to the top scoring trivia teams, so come on out, have some pie, get your think on, and give Sparky some support, if you can.  (And if you can’t make it tonight, I’ll be doing this every Wednesday for the foreseeable future.)  For more info on the venue, check out http://www.tomatojakes.com/

The Public Option Is Good But I’d Rather Have Heather Graham

I don’t get overly political much here unless it’s to make fun of pretty much anyone and everyone who runs for or gets elected to public office, but I do have my beliefs and causes.  Right up there on the list is health care reform, but I’ve soured on the “debate” since  debate usually means intelligent discourse rather than cable-inspired yokels screaming at town hall meetings “I want my America back!”  For me, the goal is simple: I desire some sort of universal health care, like Canada or England or  – gasp! – France.  Socialized medicine, you cry?  Hell yeah, I respond.  But I’m not holding my breath that it’ll ever happen here in the land of the freak-out-over-the-least-amount-of-change.  Few can encapsulate into words why it’s a good idea and the demagogues who spew venom and misinformation seem to always have the upper hand (primarily because they aren’t concerned about rational thought or, heck, even the truth).  Yet every now and again something like the spot below comes along.  Will it get anyone to change their mind or call their representative?  Can’t say for sure, but I’m all for the gratuitous use of Heather Graham for whatever reason.  And I think if there was a chance she might actually be your doctor, universal health care might have a shot!

Winters Wonderland

After the day I’ve had, I need a laugh.  So, here’s Jonathan Winters way back when, proving that he is an improv god.