“I’m on a horse.”

Old Spice commcercials are usually pretty choice and this one’s no exception.  Great job, ad guys!

Astrologee Whiz!

Found this in my daily horoscope:

If you were born on this day you are an Aquarius. This means that you are kind, considerate, curious – NOT! You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if you were standing in it. You wear clothes like a pair of cleats wear a hole in carpeting. Puke is your favorite color and you have the IQ of a dishrag. You have the sex appeal of an untoasted Eggo waffle. Supermodels wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole. Lice cling to you like frost on a snowman’s bum. Ultimately, you’d probably be better off climbing into the trunk of a Toyota Corolla and hiding. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Sparky!

Y’know, I think the guys down at the paper are a little pissed I canceled my subscription.

American Piety

Face it, all you low rent prayer monkeys. If your church is in a strip mall or industrial park, then you’re just a hop skip and a jump away from sacrificing livestock or handling snakes.  Sorry.  Someone had to say it.

Bowlin’ Point

I got no dog in this fight.  Honestly, I couldn’t care less.  The Super Bowl is all about the commercials for me.  And, yes, I understand the underdog mentality and how it’s their first big game and all, but could the New Orleans Saints fans be any more nauseatingly annoying?  “Who Dat! Who Dat!”  Shut your gumbo-lovin’ Creole gobs, please. 

I said I got no dog in this fight but now I want Peyton Manning to so utterly devastate your team that you’ll be needing FEMA again.

S’No More Please!

“Snowmageddon?” “Snowpocalypse?” Okay, it’s a helluva lot of snow, given, but it’s obnoxious hyperbole like this that makes people hate weathermen and not take the media seriously.

The Catsup’s Out Of The Bag

I know that there are such things as “slow news days” when less than front-page-worthy items seem to get more than their fair share of attention but please, people, can we not get so freaking excited over the new redesign of the ketchup packet?  It’s nifty, okay – given, but it appears more news space and airtime is being devoted to this innovation than J.D. Salinger’s passing and that’s just sad and pathetic.

I haven’t seen so much attention paid to ketchup since Reagan classified it as a vegetable.  (Also sad and pathetic.)

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

“Immature love says, ‘I love you because I need you.’  Mature love says, ‘I need you because I love you.’” — Erich Fromm

So what does it mean when you say, “I love you because I’ve built a little shrine to you in my spare bedroom complete with votive candles and snapshots of you taken secretly with a telephoto lens?”  Please tell me, ‘cuz I got a date this weekend.

I GOT BIRDS IN MY CHIMNEY!

Sounds a lot less rock ‘n’ roll than shouting, “I got blisters on my fingers!” but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Damn and blast! You can hear the little buggers peeping away to beat the band, like they haven’t a care in the bloody world. And they haven’t really. They know I’m not lighting a fire. Too much mess (and I couldn’t look others in the eye after my Friends of the Animals card was revoked). And the cats are beside themselves. They know a tasty snack is nearby; they just can’t get to it. Plus, the birds don’t care that I’m not a morning person; they chirp chirp chirp as soon as the sun is up! Bring me some worms! Chew it up and regurgitate it into my mouth! Lazy gits. Learn to fly and get the frak outta my chimney!!

Get It On!

Sometimes two pop culture icons merge in a syzygy of oddness that leaves you agog and smiling.  Such as it is with this: a 1976 appearance by Oingo Boingo of The Gong Show.  Yeah, you heard me.  If you don’t know what The Gong Show was or aren’t familiar with Oingo Boingo, understand that there was a time when, yes, this was a game show and, yes, this was a musical group.  But only in the loosest sense for both.  Enjoy.

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Groundhogs

A FLEHMEN RESPONSE classic.  Get ready for six more weeks of sarcasm.