Okay, that’s another year come and gone (much like American Idol Bikini Girl’s 15 minutes) and it’s time to reflect on what I’ve done. So give me a moment while I look back at my New Year’s resolutions for 2009.
Eat mo shad. Check.
Invest in Uncle Bernie’s hedge fund. Done, dammit.
Write fan letter to the guy who played Skippy on “Family Ties.” Check.
Get tickets to see “ZoSo: The Ultimate Led Zeppelin Experience.” Done.
Sell my granddad’s WWII stuff on eBay. Yep. Ka-ching!
Tell granddad that his WWII stuff was stolen by cousin Dougal. Heh, yeah. He totally bought it.
Send a tweet or a sext or something techy that I have no idea what it is. Nope – still behind the curve.
Figure out why the 2009 featured in the movie “Freejack” never came to pass. Still cogitating.
Get Oprah to stop doing whatever the hell she does as soon as possible. Yes.
Get my notary public license. Yes.
Go digital. Uh-huh.
Change my shampoo to something citrusy. Check.
Go cruisin’ for chicks with Letterman and Tiger. You bet.
See if I can engineer some kind of mega-cool killer virus using the porcine template. Ye-uh, no. No. That wasn’t me.
Camp out for “Avatar.” Awesome, yes.
Memorize Wikipedia. Working on it.
Finally join the Columbia Record and Tape Club. Check.
Keep the space-time continuum safe by ensuring the Large Hadron Collider doesn’t properly go online. Yes.
Find a new use for my Hulk hands. Sort of. Yeah.
Trick Aretha into wearing the joke hat on Inauguration Day. Heh heh, yeah.
Write tell-all book about my years as personal road chef for the Cranberries. Mostly finished.
Figure out how the endocrine system works. Check.
Get nitrogen in my tires. Yo.
Debunk climate change by hacking into University of East Anglia computers. Yep.
Put a stake in the heart of the walking corpse that is “The Guiding Light.” Yes.
Fight and kill and then eat a komodo dragon with my bare hands. Check.
Train giant jellyfish to wreak havoc on Japan. Did it.
Grout. Grout. Let it all out. These are the things I can do without. Yes.
Break up Hannity & Colmes. Done.
Make sure America never hears the name Gosselin ever again. Um … working on it.
Hey. Let’s just say early 2010 could get veeeeery interesting.
Have a Happy New Year, folks!
Sparky MacMillan is nobody’s little weasel.