Band On The Runs

I just saw a commercial for Denny’s new Rock Star Menu.  Apparently, the 24/7 eatery has enlisted the likes of Sum 41, Good Charlotte, Rascal Flatts and Gym Class Heroes to create their favorite late night munchies.   Of course, the menu reads like some half-awake wastoid just dumped everything he could find in his fridge into a saucepan and stirred, which is probably more accurate than Denny’s would like to admit.  For my money, I’m less than comfortable seeing these indie-alt-rocker posers depicted as taking control of the kitchen on any level.  Admittedly, it may be a better visual than the people actually preparing the food – sorry, the “food” -  but seeing these hipster doofuses with their van dykes and nose rings and tuques holding a whisk with intent to ill makes me wonder if my tetanus is up to date.

Mmmmm. Scabies.

Bait Me

Wow.  I usually don’t pay much attention to McDonald’s ads since they tend to be either these annoyingly hip atrocities or ridiculously lame kiddie fare.  For whacked out dubyateeeff, I look to Hardee’s in general.  However, I discovered the McAd below and have to ask myself what kind of misogynistic jerks are the guys at the Golden Arches.  Apparently the answer is “the worst kind.”

Webitude IV: The Voyage Home

Web sites! Getcher web sites! Well, not exactly “getcher” web sites since I’m not offering domain names or anything.  I’m not GoDaddy.com, so there’ll be no blatant T&A or sexy Danica Patrick today, folks.  (Damn. Just made myself cry a little.)

Starting off, we have the 50 BEST MOVIE VILLAINS.  Your villain list may differ.  (Does Ronald Reagan in Bedtime for Bonzo count?)

Now, moving on, tease the taste buds with 19 SNACKS AND SODAS WE WISH WERE STILL ON THE MARKET.  And by “we” I mean The A.V. Club.  Who the heck is The A.V. Club?  I’m sorry, I didn’t get first names or anything.  Just enjoy the blasted web site. 

Continuing with our www outing, IFC proudly presents the 50 GREATEST TRAILERS OF ALL TIME.  The IFC should be careful that a tornado doesn’t come through and make a mess of the place.

Did I hear you mention irony?  No?  Bloody hell, then I must have developed a tolerance to the anti-psychotic meds!  Oh well, let’s peruse 10 IRONIC ADS FROM HISTORY.  Why ironic?  Because “sadly awkward” didn’t quite work as a selling point.

Keeping with the 50 motif, Rotten Tomatoes lists the BEST MOVIE ROBOTS - and, yes, there’s 50 of ‘em.  (Again: does Ronald Reagan in Bedtime for Bonzo count?)

And we must cap things off with 50 MOVIES, 50 STATES.  What’s that about?  Simply put: each state has a movie that best represents it.  Georgia, be thankful for Gone With The Wind otherwise you know it’d be Deliverance.  And it still might be.

Okay, that’s it.  A little webitude to end an otherwise blah week.  Should keep you occupied for a few hours.  Just move everything from your “in” box to your “out” box and everyone’ll think you’re just a busy little beaver.

Gamete The Parents

Saw a news article that proclaimed “British Scientists To Create Human Sperm” – and while I know, logically, this may be a good thing for the medical field, that is using stem cells to make sperm for the infertile, I couldn’t help but recall a line from a Monty Python sketch where Eric Idle’s character wanted to donate urine instead of blood, causing John Cleese to reply, “No. We have no call for it. We’ve quite enough of it volunteers coming in here donating it.” 

I mean, really, is there honestly any shortage of sperm? Just turn on any CSI episode and it seems as though the stuff’s everywhere.  S’like they whip out that black light in a hotel room and the walls look like a freakin’ Jackson Pollock!  I always imagined that had they brought one of those crime scene lights into my freshman dorm and turned it on the entire place would have been solid white, like a can of Sherwin Williams’ Alabaster had exploded, coating every surface.  They’d even move a lamp, you know, expecting to find a dark circle beneath it but, no, all white.  I’m just saying that guys are willingly producing this stuff left and right, so it’s not as though there’s a shortage or we seriously need any more of it than we already have.  (Or, say, the average chess club can produce during an episode of Gossip Girl.)

In The Details

Deviled eggs.  And deviled ham.  What’s so Satanic about them?  I’m not off on a stand-up routine here, I just don’t know the answer and it’s always bugged me.  Is it some kind of Catholic thing?  Like when you die and go to Hell, all you have to eat is ham and eggs?  Rather Seussian, really.  Or Atkins-ish.  Not sure which.  Either way, it does kind of suggest some kind of Hellish damnation to me, what with being a vegetarian and all.

Java Script

From back in the day when Cartoon Network actually showed cartoons and was really pretty darn awesome …

Words. Words. Words.

Why do inflammable and flammable mean the same thing when corrigible is the opposite of incorrigible?  That’s bloody off topic, I know, but it’s pissing me off.  I mean, I’ve been up all night searching Google and Wikipedia and obscure etymology blogs (yes, they exist and, yes, you’ve never heard of them – that’s why they’re obscure).  I’ve got to be at work in a few hours and I’m going on no sleep … NO SLEEP!

Dammit, welcome to Monday.

Patriot Acts (Bonus Edition)

If you’re surfing the web this fine Independence Day evening, hope you enjoy this little gem from Paul Simon.  It’s his incredibly powerful American Tune, as performed on The Dick Cavett Show in the mid-70s.  

THE HOT TEN

What’s on my mind?  What have I been watching?  What have I been doing?  What have I been talking about?  The Hot Ten will bring you up to speed. 

MARK SANFORD CALLS ARGENTINIAN MISTRESS “SOULMATE” AS HE ATTEMPTS TO RECONCILE WITH WIFE.  Awesome!  And I bet this is the kind of forward-thinking, a-plus judgment that will lead South Carolina squarely into the 20th century!

HARDEES BISCUIT HOLES AD.  The liberal use of the phrase “A Hole” – and all the double entendres it conjures up – shocks virtually no one who’s ever seen a Hardees ad before.  (Although I would like to try the product – and maybe they’ll let me take the holes home in a D Bag, thus paying proper homage to the creators of the ad.)

KENDRA WILKINSON MARRIES. The former Playboy model weds in the Playboy mansion.  And former beau, Hugh Hefner, is slated to be the godparent of her first child, due in December.  Yeah, no daddy issues there.

GUINESS TO SEND SOMEONE INTO SPACE.  Great more drunken yahoos in space.  It’s the Soyuz missions all over again!

SCHOOL CROSSING SIGN MISSPELLED. Welcome to “SCOHOL.”  Obviously, these guys are products of “no child felt behind.”

SARAH PALIN TO RESIGN AS GOVERNOR.  Palin resigns amid rumours of a possible 2012 presidential bid.  2012?  Wait, that’s when the Mayans say the world is gonna end, right?  Ah, things are beginning to make sense now.

ASTEROIDS VIDEO GAME TO BE MOVIE.  The studio’s thinking it’ll be another Transformers but we all know it’s gonna make Street Fighter look like Orson Welles’ missing masterpiece.  (But, just in case, where can I option the rights to Marble Madness?)

IRAN DETAINS EMBASSY WORKERS.  Alright, yeah, I know Obama’s president now and all … and the American people are sick of unwinnable wars, what with Iraq and Afghanistan and whatnot … but, seriously, you Persian pricks, if you don’t stop this crap we are gonna come over there and turn your country into a freakin’ car wash!

JERMAINE JACKSON: “I WISH IT WAS ME.”  Dude, I know you’re grieving and all, but do not give the late night comics the exact fodder they need to make you the punchline in this sad, unfortunate time.

SEARS TOWER OPENS GLASS “LEDGE.”  1,353 feet above the city of Chicago, the glass enclosed Ledge allows visitors the sheer terror of freaking their senses completely out without the muss of actually hitting the pavement.  Seriously, I got vertigo just reading the damn article!  You want to step out on this Darwin Award waiting to happen, then be my freakin’ guest!

Sparky “Interrogation Bear” MacMillan

Patriot Acts (Part Five)

And what to cap off the holiday?  What ultimate piece of patriotic propaganda?  Easy: the Theme to Team America: World Police.  And before I even begin to tell you that this piece has language so NOT SAFE FOR WORK it’s not even funny, understand that it’s by Parker & Stone, the gents behind South Park, so it’s not even funny – it’s hilarious!  Basically, they created the most in-your-face, over-the-top America-first ditty ever!  I am 100% serious when I say it should be our national anthem.  Seriously.  Toss that “O! Say can you see” garbage; THIS is what will get people on their feet at ball games!