Total Recall

Okay, that’s another year come and gone (much like American Idol Bikini Girl’s 15 minutes) and it’s time to reflect on what I’ve done. So give me a moment while I look back at my New Year’s resolutions for 2009. 

Eat mo shad. Check.

Invest in Uncle Bernie’s hedge fund. Done, dammit.

Write fan letter to the guy who played Skippy on “Family Ties.” Check.

Get tickets to see “ZoSo: The Ultimate Led Zeppelin Experience.” Done.

Sell my granddad’s WWII stuff on eBay. Yep. Ka-ching!

Tell granddad that his WWII stuff was stolen by cousin Dougal. Heh, yeah. He totally bought it.

Send a tweet or a sext or something techy that I have no idea what it is. Nope – still behind the curve.

Figure out why the 2009 featured in the movie “Freejack” never came to pass. Still cogitating.

Get Oprah to stop doing whatever the hell she does as soon as possible. Yes.

Get my notary public license.  Yes.

Go digital. Uh-huh.

Change my shampoo to something citrusy. Check.

Go cruisin’ for chicks with Letterman and Tiger. You bet.

See if I can engineer some kind of mega-cool killer virus using the porcine template. Ye-uh, no. No. That wasn’t me.

Camp out for “Avatar.” Awesome, yes.

Memorize Wikipedia. Working on it.

Finally join the Columbia Record and Tape Club. Check.

Keep the space-time continuum safe by ensuring the Large Hadron Collider doesn’t properly go online. Yes.

Find a new use for my Hulk hands. Sort of. Yeah.

Trick Aretha into wearing the joke hat on Inauguration Day. Heh heh, yeah.

Write tell-all book about my years as personal road chef for the Cranberries. Mostly finished.

Figure out how the endocrine system works. Check.

Get nitrogen in my tires. Yo.

Debunk climate change by hacking into University of East Anglia computers. Yep.

Put a stake in the heart of the walking corpse that is “The Guiding Light.” Yes.

Fight and kill and then eat a komodo dragon with my bare hands. Check.

Train giant jellyfish to wreak havoc on Japan. Did it.

Grout. Grout. Let it all out. These are the things I can do without. Yes.

Break up Hannity & Colmes. Done.

Make sure America never hears the name Gosselin ever again. Um … working on it.

Hey.  Let’s just say early 2010 could get veeeeery interesting.

Have a Happy New Year, folks!

Sparky MacMillan is nobody’s little weasel.

Happy New Year!

Okay, so it’s not Auld Lang Syne, but it deals with time so it just seemed appropriate.  Here are the Chambers Brothers performing a far-too-short version of their hit, Time has Come Today.

Meanwhile. Let me be the first person to wish you a Happy New Year.

Hmmm? Oh, right. Um, well, let me be the first person to wish you a Happy New Year on a blog written while not wearing any pants!

Happy 2010!

After The Fall

You may say to yourself, “Gee, someone sure has way too much time on their hands.”  But, when all’s said and done, you should probably just be saying, “Awesome!”  Because some things are just cool under any circumstances.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

5 Women I’d Marry Immediately If They Asked

Norah Jones

Lara Logan

Gina Torrres

Kristin Chenoweth

Erin Esurance

 

5 Sandwiches That I’ve Eaten

Peanut Butter & Pickle

Döner Kebab

Cucumber

The Whaler

Vegemite

 

5 “Jeopardy” Categories We’ll Never See

Animals that Should Be President

It Tastes As Bad As It Smells

Foods Lodged In Uncomfortable Places

Sounds Like A Sasquatch Mating

Trebek Can Suck It!

 

5 Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago

Jon Gosselin

Tareq Salahi

Richard Heene

Ray J

Mark Sanford

 

5 Movies I’m Embarrassed To Admit I Paid Full Price To See 

My Boss’s Daughter (2003)

Laserblast (1978)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

Look Who’s Talking (1990)

Kangaroo Jack (2003)

You’re The Best!

If you’re not inundated with those “Best Of” lists yet, then you will be by the end of the week.  Best of the Year!  Best of the Decade!  Seems like every journalist and blogger wants in on the opinion action.  So, why should I be left out?  And why should I stop at a mere 12 months or ten years?  No reason, I say.

That’s why I’ve come up with THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE BEST OF THE MILLENIUM LIST!  (Hey, it’s only a few years overdue, so why quibble with a 1% tardiness factor?)  What’s the category, you ask?  There is none!  This is the BEST OF THE MILLENIUM!  All things, all people, all ideas. 

10.           The Magna Carta

9.             Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

8.             Sea Monkeys

7.             Bubble Wrap

6.             Rita Hayworth

5.             Space Invaders

4.             Guttenberg (Steve, not Johann)

3.             Eggo Waffles

2.             The Discovery of Penicillin

1.             Tie: Shakespeare’s Hamlet and

                Russ Meyer’s 1965 Film Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Sinister Klaas

Scared of Santa?  So last year.  Now, it’s time to feast on a foray into the world of SKETCHY SANTAS!  Yeah, when your local department store decides it’s okay to hire the first homeless drifter who shows up with a beard, you know they aren’t looking for an authentic Claus but merely settling for the first warm body that will work for minimum wage without freaking out every time a freaked-out toddler pees on him.  Sometimes they’re fake, sometimes they’re creepy, sometimes they just smile waaay too much.  But Santa be sketchin’.

Buggin’

S’been a busy holiday season for me – trivia, giftwrapping, work – so please allow me to keep you occupied with some Yuletide favorites from years past:

10 Things About Christmas That Really Bug Me

and …

10 More Things About Christmas That Really Bug Me

Now, if you’ll excuse me – I have to go and hide the glass pickle. (And, no, that’s not slang for something nasty. It should be, but it’s not.)

Chicks Mix

Chicken. Techno. Dance. I think it’s German, which could explain a lot.

Best Of The Rester

The decade’s swansong continues with more lists. Read ‘em and weep.  Seriously, you’ll cry yourself to sleep.  I sure as hell did.

THE 30 FREAKIEST COMMERCIALS OF 2009. And not good freaky, like the kind you don’t take home to mother.  Real freaky.

THE WORST MISTAKES OF THE DECADE. Like maybe watching those freaky commercials. Can’t get that ghost kid outta my mind.

THE WORST IDEAS OF THE DECADE. Nope. Still thinking of that super-freaky ghost kid.

CSI: Crime Seuss Investigation

It is with sad regret that I must report on the passing of a beloved holiday icon.

Dr. Seuss’ Grinch, the one-time Christmas stealer, was found dead in his mountain home near Whoville early last Saturday. The coroner’s report attributed his death to an enlarged heart.

Whoville M.E., Quincy Q. Who, noted that some physiological change had apparently occurred within the last twenty-four hours causing the Grinch’s heart to grow as much as three times its normal size. “Normally, a Grinch’s heart is a very small muscle; one could say an empty hole. Their cardiovascular systems are not very well developed.”

The catalyst that supposedly caused this heart malfunction remains unknown, although sources report that, sometime before his death, the Grinch consumed a large quantity of Whovian Roast Beast, causing his cholesterol levels to rise to an enormous rate.

The Grinch is survived by an unnamed dog and Cindy Loo, his common law wife.