Sometimes, I like to go to the all-night Harris Teeter and pick up some of those candy numbers for kids’ birthday cakes. I then go home and make out mathematical problems with them, like 45 x 3 = ?, usually breaking up the ones to form the times and equals signs. If I can solve a problem within a preset time limit, say, ten seconds, I get to eat the entire problem, all the numbers and everything.
I stop when my teeth begin to hurt, I get a sour belly or I pass out from the sugar rush.
I indulged in one of my favorite post-holiday traditions this past week: discount calendars! Yeah, boy, that’s the stuff!
I always make certain to pick up the one calendar that I just must have before the end of the year, but wait until late January or early February to make the rounds and check out how much of a bargain the on-sale calendars have become. I found some 50- percent-off calendars a few weeks back, but thought I’d wait it out and – boy howdy! – I struck paydirt! Calendars for 90% off at Barnes & Noble!!! Woo hoo!
I spent over FIFTY dollars on calendars! And, let me say, there are a LOT of bizarre and unusual ones out there. Some of my favorites were…
Battered Piñatas
Nerdy Guys Who Have the Hots For That Goth Chick on NCIS
The Many Moods of Nixon
Action Figures in Compromsing Positions
The Amish Dirty Joke Punchline-A-Day Calendar (today’s: “Obviously, thee hast churned butter before!”)
Clogged Drains of the Stars
Harry Potter and the Twelve Months of the Year
Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!
Mug Shots of the NFL
Seasonal Allergies of Nobel Laureates
Monkeys Eating Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream
Urinals of the West’s Greatest Truck Stops
Where’s Waldo’s Pudding Cup?
Acne Patterns of Hoboken Teens
Bruises by Chris Brown
The Egg-A-Month Calendar (February: Mmmm, poached!)
366-Things-Bill-Gates-Bought-With-The-Money-He-Saved-By-Being-A- Supercuts-Customer Page-A-Day Calendar
My walls are virually covered with calendars now. Like a sort of cheap wallpaper. All those calendars and I still can’t remember when rent is due or when to mail in my phone bill.
The spanking.
What kind of sado-masochistic lamebrain decided that this was a good idea for birthdays? Yeah, sure. Let’s round up the birthday boy and smack his widdle heinie a few times. And one to grow on, ya mook!
Boy howdy, that’s some sick, twisted, ritualistic crap.
Five Teenage Crushes
Susan Y. from my 7th grade English class
Heather Thomas
Pia Zadora
Starfire from the Teen Titans
Martha Quinn
Five Guilty Pleasures
My weekly mani-pedi
Dance Moms on Lifetime
Ke$ha concerts
Bob Evans caramel banana pecan cream stacked and stuffed hotcakes
Kate Beckinsale kicking butt in a skin-tight leather costume
Five Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago
Captain Francesco Schettino
Jerry Sandusky
Doug Hutchison & Courtney Stodden
Dr. Conrad Murray
That smoking guy in the Herman Cain ad (okay, technically, still don’t know his name but the shoe fits)
Five Dumb Reasons To Become A Mime
Fortune cookie told you to
You think chicks think mimes are sexy
Had vocal cords surgically removed on a bet
The awesome tax breaks
Shields and Yarnell fetish
Five Things That Would Be Cool If Alec Baldwin Said Them
Move that bus!
A 15% gratuity will be added to parties of six or more.
May I mambo dogface in the banana patch?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, it’s better than yours.
Do the chickens have large talons?
Sparky MacMillan sounds like a coyote in a trash compactor.
“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” – George Bernard Shaw
Oh, great. I’m honorable. Well, I got that to look forward to on my tombstone.
This is going to be cool. Or maybe this will suck more than anything that has ever sucked before. All I can say is if you are a Beavis and Butt-head fan, proceed at your own risk; this could give you nightmares.
Some dude – artist Kevin Kirkpatrick, to be exact – has created lifelike busts of degenerate animated teens, Beavis and Butt-head. And, man, it’s freaky. You see these guys comin’ at you and you move to the other side of the street and call the police, not necessarily in that order. Still, it’s kinda fascinating in a I-can’t-look-away/disfiguring-auto-accident way.
See the Beavis and Butt-head prosthetic models – HERE.
Warning: you may need TP for your bunghole.
Okay, I’m no fan of Newt Gingrich. Honestly, I’m not. Politically, he seems like a weasel to me and, personally, he seems like a jerk. But that’s my opinion, of course. Mine alone (well, I’m sure it’s shared by a few folks out there) and should an election come along where I am forced to cast a ballot in a race between anyone and ole Newtron Dance I will do so armed with that opinion of him. However, I must say for the record that I think we, as a society, cannot – must not – begin down the slippery slope of honestly taking into consideration what a candidate’s ex-wife says about him. Seriously. We cannot go there. Even under the best of circumstances it will not end well.
Y’ever go to a birthday party when you were a kid and, instead of a birthday cake, they trot out a bunch of individual cupcakes? Like they figure we’re too stupid too realize they eat the real cake when we leave and just toss us the cupcake bone ‘cuz they don’t want to waste the good stuff on guests. Like I don’t know the score. That’s why I’m taking an extra party favor. Suck it, cheapskates!
