Posts Tagged ‘50 Ways To leave Your Lover’

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 6, 2017

Five Narwhal Complaints

Arctic waters are too damn cold

Tusking makes me feel awkward

Belugas be trippin’, yo!

Those Deadliest Catch goobers pee overboard

Me so horny

 

Five Odd Things I’ve Found In Cracker Jack Box

A hard-boiled egg

Supreme Court finger puppets

Nothin’ but Styrofoam peanuts

Flotsam

An even smaller box of Cracker Jack

 

Five Dates That Won’t Live In Infamy

Day The Man From Atlantis was cancelled

Day Pia Zadora was born

Attack on Paul Harvey

Any day The Family Circus sees print

Free Slurpee Day

 

Five More Ways to Leave Your Lover

Get down on your knees and beg, Greg

Key her car and get even, Steven

Suck down about 80 beers, Piers

Seek out the services of a madam, Adam

Dress up a mannequin to take her place, Chase

 

Five Reasons I Have A Man-Crush on Mandy Patinkin

He sings like a nightingale

He got Kelsey Grammer his gig on Cheers

He’ll leave a successful series if he feels like it

He played the villain in Elmo In Grouchland

He was Inigo freakin’ Montoya!

Advertisements

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 24, 2015

Five Hipster Books

To Kale a Mockingbird

From Here to Urban Outfitters

A Beard Grows In Brooklyn

Their Eyes Were Watching Wes Anderson

The Artisanal Grapes of Wrath

 

Five Euphemisms For Pregnancy

In the family way

Up the duff

Go Go Gadget Zygote!

Cribbin’ the ute

Pulling a Duggar

 

Five Reasons to Hate Winnie the Pooh

He’s not a real bear

He got his stupid head stuck in a honey jar

He hunted the heffalump to extinction

He smells like wet stuffing

He poohs in the woods

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Leave on a ferry, Gary.

Grab an axe and decapitate, Nate.

Shove her bloody face in, Jason.

Dose her with strychnine, er –uh, Rick … stein.

Get your gun and shart shootin’, Putin.

 

Five Retroactove Product Placements in Movies

“Well I got her number. How do you like them Snapples?”

“They call me Mister Pibbs!”

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinet.”

“As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again – thanks to Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine!”

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some BUSH’s Baked Beans and a nice Franzia, the wine in a box.”

 

Simonized

December 11, 2014

Am I the only one who was bothered that Paul Simon kinda half-assed it with his song 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover? Great song – a #1 hit in 1975 – but at best it’s a prime example of  singer-songwriter slacking; at worst, it’s false advertising and fraud.

I mean, look: it’s supposed to be 50 ways to leave your lover. But how many does Simon give us? A half dozen or so, really, at the most, depending on how you define “leave.” There’s You just slip out the back, Jack and Hop on the bus, Gus – that’s two ways to leave your lover, granted. But what about Make a new plan, Stan and Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free – are these actual ways to leave your lover or just actions one might take if considering to leave or having already left a lover? And what the hell does You don’t need to be coy, Roy even mean? That’s not a way to leave, it’s an instruction to stop being an indecisive dweeb and make up your freakin’ mind!

So, honestly, even accepting these lame attempts at defining ways to leave your lover, we’ve got five ways to leave your lover. Five! Anyone besides me see a serious disparity here? Five is considerably less than fifty. And that’s an unreasonable stretch that can’t be attributed to pure exaggeration or hyperbole. It’s like Paul Simon wrote a song called 5 Ways To Leave Your Lover and the label said, “No, make it bigger!  More than five! How about 50?!  50 Ways To Leave Your Lover!” “But, I only wrote five ways.” “Who cares? Nobody’ll notice.”  Well, I did!  I do!  I noticed!

Paul Simon, you owe me 45 more ways to leave your lover!  And you’re about 40 years overdue.