Archive for June, 2016

June 29 Trivia Rankings

June 29, 2016

Well, it’s official – the weather hates us. Whatcha gonna do?

Well, no reason to tarry, Quizlings. Here are the rankings for the week…

Drumpfexit 68
The Brexit Club 68
With Or Without EU 64
Pizza Toppings Or Team Name? We Don’t Have Time For Both 64
Sausage Party 63
The EU Has One GB Of Free Space 63
Let Them Eat Ice Cream 59
Funner: Gooder Than Fun 59
It’s Polite To Hodor 59
Ben Simmons Is On Our Team … No Autographs Please 56
Hawaiians 55
Team Name Is The Only Prize We Get 53
Prediction: Last Place 53
Copa America Was Messi 52
(Spoiler) R+L=J 52
Next Union To Exit Is FIFA 50
Working Harder Than An Ugly Stripper 49
Walking Talking Stephen Hawking 48
Brexit, The Destroyer of Your 401Ks 46
5 Of Diamonds, Your Order Is Ready 39
Trail of Beers 34
I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost 31
Trial By Combat 30


June 28, 2016

Who would win in a fight – a Tyrannosaurus Rex or rhino? Did I mention that the rhino has a rocket launcher? Did I mention that the T. Rex is a trained assassin? Did I mention the rhino is gunning for the tyrant lizard king because the dinosaur killed his family? Did I mention that the carnivorous theropod has been extinct for over 60 million years? Did I mention that the rhino has time traveling equipment? Did I mention that Rex has escaped to a parallel dimension? Did I mention the rhino is able to track his prey across timelines? Did I mention I could go on like this all day? Better stop reading this while you can.

Now, imagine the rhino has morphing abilities … but the Tyrannosaur has read Sun Tzu’s “The Art Of War” and he’s studied under some of the great commanders of military history – Wellington, Hannibal, Rommel (“I read your book, you magnificent bastard!”) … only the rhino can see into the immediate future. And the T. Rex needs fuzzy dice, just ‘cuz it makes him look cool. But the rhino has lasers! Yeah, lasers mounted on his horn. Oh, sweet…

I warned you.

And the Rex is frozen in ice which is discovered by scientists millions of years later and he gets thawed out. Crap! That’s the plot of “Dinosaurus!” (And that was a steaming pile of celluloid, lemme tell you.) Oh well. We’ve come this far. But the rhino, he – he has a crack squadron of flying bandicoots which can distract the T. Rex. Snap snap. Crunch. Rrrrrarrrrgghhh!!!! Grrrr!!!!!! Stab. Slash. Fzzzzzt!!! Whirrr. “Dive! Dive!” Aooooooogah! Aooooooogah! Aooooooogah! NNNNNrrrrrrrrroooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

Yeah, you’re right. It’d probably be a draw. Man. I had money on the rhino.

Soy Bomb

June 24, 2016

Suddenly very irritated that I don’t know how to pronounce edamame. Long a? Short a? Is it mame like the musical or is that final e like in Beyoncé? Yes, I have only a vague awareness of what the hell edamame is but the not knowing how to pronounce it is really eating me up. Look it up online? No, that would be cheating. I’d rather let the guilt and shame eat me alive from within as fitting punishment for my ignorance. I’m complicated like that.

June 22 Trivia Rankings

June 22, 2016

A marvelous night for trivia. Thanks to all who came to play. I love ALL my Quizlings … even the ones who can’t put away the phones (I may get cross, but I still love).

We saw some old faces and some new ones and even learned a little bit about whales (however, very little about Wales). Meanwhile, sit in the J. K. Rowling chair, get tix for the Future Now Tour and watch the Dalai Lama Caddyshack interview…

Now, here are the team rankings for the week. See you next Wednesday, Quizlings!

Cleveland Still Sucks 70
Sit-In For Ice Cream 69
Poor Trump, No, Really – He Is Broke 67
Say My Name!! Zordon 65
Allison and Simon Just Got Engaged! 65
Orally Fixated 62
Junebugs 62
I Want Krispy Kreme And It’s All Sparky’s Fault 62
Another Guest Is Coming 61
Rod Serling Is My Home Boy 60
Trump’s Brazlian Accounts 57
The Brexit Strategy 57
It’s King Julien’s Birthday – He Likes To Move It, Move It! 56
Jessie Got A New Job! 55
Game of ‘Zones 54
Some Heroes Just Hold The Door 53
Finding Shade 53
2 Time Champ Golden State 52
Blue Team 52
Accio First Place 50
Merkins 49
Erin Go Bragh 44
Cunning Stunts 44
Periodic Table Dancers 42
What Would Dory Do? 41
The Blondes Control 35
Don’t Jake My Heart 23

People I Hate #78 (In A Series)

June 21, 2016

Who: The douchebag who wears a hoodie while playing in major poker tournaments on basic cable.

Why: He sits there, checking his cards and not making eye contact, hunched over like a petulant teen at a family gathering. He plasters a disaffected frown across his face like it’s body armor. His insolence is palpable and his unsociable demeanor makes you want to smack him.

How I justify it: HE made the decision to play poker on national TV! No one dragged him out of his bed and forced him to do it at gunpoint! So can the attitude, you smug, churlish bastard, and play some Texas Hold ‘Em!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Father’s Day Edition)

June 19, 2016

Five People I Wished Were My Dad When I Was A Kid

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray on My Three Sons)

Evel Knievel

Captain Kangaroo

James Bond

Paul Lynde (yeah, I know – but at the time …)


Five Things My Father Never Taught Me

How to ride a bike

How to fish

How to manage my finances

The birds and the bees

How to find him when he went away


Five Dad Cliches

I don’t pay to heat the whole neighborhood.

Because I say so!

Go ask your mother.

I brought you into this world – I can take you out!

Let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?


Five of My Favorite Fathers

Father Time

Father Ted

Father Christmas

Father Guido Sarducci

Father Goose


Five Fictional Characters with Severe Daddy Issues



Luke Skywalker

The singer of Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

The Huxtable Kids (totally in retrospect, of course)


June 15 Trivia Rankings

June 15, 2016

Well, Quizlings, despite the weather, a great crowd showed up to play. Thanks, one and all.

If you missed the fun, we learned that rain is a downer, ice cream is awesome and Sparky is easily fooled by ESPN documentaries.

See everyone next week. Meanwhile, here are the rankings for the week…

Trivia Time! Happy Happy Joy Joy! 65
The Mist Of Roxboro 64
Taylor Swift Should Keep It Lo-Ki 63
Sparky Banned Our Team Name 62
[corn emoji] 59
P(trivia/wednesday)=1 58
Winnie The Pooch 54
An Order Of Alarm Clock With A Side Of Toddler 53
We’re Finished With The Parmesan 52
Where’s The Ice Cream? 52
Boaty McBoatface 51 (tie)
Bring Your Own Chair 51 (tie)
The Song “Who Let The Dogs Out” By Baha Men 51
The City Beautiful 49
Better I’m Late Than Her 48
[redacated] 48
Happy Father’s Day 47
Beware The Ides Of June 47
Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza 47
Did You Win A Tony At The Hamilton Awards? 41
Two Girls, A Guy And A Pizza Place 40
Early Trailers 39
Team T-Rex 36
Bull Durham 31
Flynn 24

Attention, Clean-Up Crew – Hairball On Aisle 8!

June 15, 2016

It’s a commercial that’s in a foreign language (German, I think) and it’s full of kitties! What’s not to like?

Insulting? Depends

June 13, 2016

Can anyone explain why my supermarket keeps giving me coupons for adult diapers and incontinence aids? I DON’T NEED THEM!!! Generally speaking, the register spits out coupons for things I buy or related items. I buy cat food and I might get a fifty cents off coupon for cat treats or one good for a few bucks off some cat litter. But this? Nothing I purchase should have ever given anyone the idea I can’t hold my water. But still. Almost every single time. Coupons for incontinence pads and liners. Dammit.


Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not making fun of folks with incontinence. That’s a serious problems that affects millions of people of all ages and if you need discreet protection then I’m happy that someone’s making the type of product that eases your woes. But me – I don’t need it. And I’m perplexed as to why these guys think I do. Is someone spreading rumors about me? Someone going around saying, “Psssst! Sparky pisses his pants!” Damn and blast, it’s like high school all over again! (Seriously, you lose control once in gym and you’re branded.)

Regardless of how it’s happening, it happens time and time again, so I’m resigned to my fate and whatever rumors get spread and whatever mistaken notions the guy at the register has about me. However that doesn’t mean I can’t take that sour citrus and make some sticky sweet liquid gold (Beyoncé taught me that). That means these coupons I keep getting are for now sale. You wanna save big bucks on these super absorb bad boys? Give me a quarter and I give you a $2 off coupon – you still save a dollar seventy-five but I get a little something for the humiliation. It’s a win-win of the highest order!

Hey, I sell a few hundred of these a year (trust me, they dish out that many) and that’s a couple of grande iced coffees at Starbucks. Of course, I can’t drink too many or I have to go to the bathroom. Hmmmm… if only there were a discreet way of compensating for that.

Of Course, Of Course…

June 9, 2016

I refuse to fall victim to clickbait but I am DYING to know why there’s a picture of Mr. Ed and Wilbur Post next to a headline proclaiming “The Surprising Thing That Makes Men More Attractive To Women.”


Somehow I fear “knowing exactly who the hell Mr. Ed and Wilbur Post are” is not that surprising thing.