Archive for December, 2014

People I Hate #1147 (In A Series)

December 31, 2014

Who: The business that keeps the open sign lit up even when closed.

Why: The idea is pretty simple. You start a business, you buy an open/close sign and you have it say “open” when you are open for business and ready to serve customers. The open sign is not intended to act as ellipses from your grand opening to the eventual going out of business sale. Yet every day I drive buy stores that have the open illuminated long after they’ve closed for the day. One place I frequent hasn’t turned it off since 2009 (I think the person who knew where the switch was got fired or something). This is confusing and irritating and should be some sort of zoning violation.

How I justify it: What’s the point of having an open sign if it always says OPEN?! Seriously. Don’t they teach anything in whatever University of Phoenix type business school you dropped out of?!

Ursine Of The Times

December 29, 2014

What the hell is wrong with Hollywood?

I ask this with great love and respect for the film industry but utter contempt for the studio system that churns out the type of dreck and unnecessary sequels that should only have been greenlit in some lower level of Hell. And, to be honest, I kind of know the answer.

Still, what the hell is wrong with Hollywood?

This is Paddington, a polite bear from deepest, darkest Peru that finds his way into the Brown family in a series of beloved children’s books.


Looks like a fine chap, doesn’t he? (more…)

Forget The Warm Puppy

December 27, 2014

“Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.” – Benjamin Disraeli

I know I’m happy when I get some action.

The Menagerie Who Came To Dinner

December 24, 2014

This is a commercial for … something. Not really sure. But I don’t think that’s important. What fascinates me in this Island of Doctor Moreau meets William Wegman holiday dinner scene is how the dogs eat like there’s no tomorrow but the cat is all like, eh, no thanks, I won’t sully my dignity by jumping through your ridiculous advertising hoops.

Whatever floats your freak boat, have a happy holiday.

Waste Not, Want Not

December 21, 2014

Something just occurred to me and I don’t recall anyone ever talking about it. Perhaps it’s one of Christmas’ dirty little secrets – that thing no one ever mentions, like the uncle you dare not get trapped under the mistletoe with – but it bears consideration at this time of year. I’m talking about flying reindeer waste.

Santa’s hitting supersonic speeds here, folks. Donner and Blizten decide it’s time to heed nature’s call and the jolly fat man’s coated in a fine mist of deer urine and/or what could otherwise be the makings of a very potent North Pole fertilizer. And don’t kid yourself that the reindeer hold it. Ever find scat on your rooftop come December 26? These reindeer are animals and animals are working a different bathroom schedule than you or me. Take a ride in a hansom cab or go to the circus; you’ll see that it doesn’t matter where they are, who’s watching and what other task they are engaged in – should Mother Nature call, they heed. And forgot the anthropomorphic talking reindeer portrayed on animated holiday specials; these beasts are livestock – chattel – yoked to a Christmas icon, surely, but dumb animals nonetheless. I think the fact that they’re flying makes it especially egregious. Anyone who’s ever had their car dive bombed by a bird knows why.

All in all, I’m just surprised I never thought of this before. Why isn’t there a seasonal song that deals with this? I mean, hey, they go to the trouble of trying to explain how he makes his rounds and does everything so meticulously; they couldn’t give a few minutes to explain away deer pee and poop? It’s only natural (everybody poops). I just, for the sake of realism, want the next time I spy a picture of Kris Kringle to see him speckled in yellow and brown. At the very least wearing goggles.

Ghosts of Christmas WTF

December 19, 2014

I was out and about earlier which is strange for me because I’m often out but never about (or vice versa) and I found myself in a Barnes & Noble. Why was I in a Barnes & Noble? The obvious answer would be “books” but when am I ever obvious? I was gift wrapping for charity, if you must know, but all that really and truly is beside the point. (Charity says Hi, by the way.)

The bookstore was of course playing Christmas music, primarily because A) it’s the holiday season and B) the atheists haven’t truly found their musical niche yet. Well, the song that was playing at this particular moment was the old standard It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams. (more…)

Hard Hobbit To Break

December 17, 2014

Despite what you think, Peter Jackson, you are not done. You can’t be.

For the last 13 years, you have given us Hobbits and Wizards and Dwarves and Orcs and all things Middle-earth meted out in 3-hour increments dispensed every few years like a herpetic outbreak of Tolkieninity. Now, you release The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies as if your directorial journey has ended. Nice bloody try, mate.

But you can’t stop now. Seriously, there’s an entire generation that has grown up expecting a Peter Jackson helmed high fantasy in their multiplex with clockwork regularity and you cannot disappoint them or the throngs of moviegoers that await the next installment of their celluloid precious.

So what if you’ve run out of source material? That didn’t stop the James Bond people. Don’t Frodo and Bilbo and all the Bagginses deserve as long a life and as incredible an array of adventures as 007? Sure they do. And we deserve to see it and you deserve to make it. No – you owe us! I mean, you started us on this long road in 2001 and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let you quit on us now.

It doesn’t have to be just new adventures and sequels. There’s spin-offs and reboots and reimaginings. Gollum’s origin, Saruman’s family reunion, an Ent mystery thriller. Recast, remake, reduce, reuse, recycle, whatever the hell it takes to keep New Zealand in business and the J. R. R. universe a-poppin’.

So get to work, Jackson. These movies ain’t gonna make themselves.


A Good Pantsing

December 14, 2014

Pants. Now, that would be a great birthday idea. Pants for birthdays. “Here, have your birthday pants.” “It’s my birthday, so I guess I better put on my special pants!” Yeah, pants. That’s an idea whose time  has come!

Hirsute & Die

December 12, 2014

No. Just bloody NO.


They’re called Beard Baubles. Ornaments for your beard. But even if it’s done ironically, with a sly hipster wink and a nod, it’s so ridiculously stupid that even Cindy Lou Who would tell these douchebags to stuff a yule log up their arse.


December 11, 2014

Am I the only one who was bothered that Paul Simon kinda half-assed it with his song 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover? Great song – a #1 hit in 1975 – but at best it’s a prime example of  singer-songwriter slacking; at worst, it’s false advertising and fraud.

I mean, look: it’s supposed to be 50 ways to leave your lover. But how many does Simon give us? A half dozen or so, really, at the most, depending on how you define “leave.” There’s You just slip out the back, Jack and Hop on the bus, Gus – that’s two ways to leave your lover, granted. But what about Make a new plan, Stan and Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free – are these actual ways to leave your lover or just actions one might take if considering to leave or having already left a lover? And what the hell does You don’t need to be coy, Roy even mean? That’s not a way to leave, it’s an instruction to stop being an indecisive dweeb and make up your freakin’ mind!

So, honestly, even accepting these lame attempts at defining ways to leave your lover, we’ve got five ways to leave your lover. Five! Anyone besides me see a serious disparity here? Five is considerably less than fifty. And that’s an unreasonable stretch that can’t be attributed to pure exaggeration or hyperbole. It’s like Paul Simon wrote a song called 5 Ways To Leave Your Lover and the label said, “No, make it bigger!  More than five! How about 50?!  50 Ways To Leave Your Lover!” “But, I only wrote five ways.” “Who cares? Nobody’ll notice.”  Well, I did!  I do!  I noticed!

Paul Simon, you owe me 45 more ways to leave your lover!  And you’re about 40 years overdue.