Archive for May, 2013

Ruckmaking

May 30, 2013

Every time I see a headline like “Have Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth Called It Quits For Good?” I imagine the ghost of William Randolph Hearst shouting, “You morons have the nerve to call yourselves journalists? Hell, I manufactured a goddamned war and I have more journalistic ethics than you bastards do!”

Trivia Rankings: 29 May 2013

May 30, 2013
Thanks, Everyone, For Coming To My Birthday Party 70
I’m A Little Fuhrer, Short And Stout 68
I Will Miss You, Michelle – Sincerely, Crazy 64
Dave’s So Vein 64
Al Qaeda’s H R Nightmare 61
I Come Before U 59
Orally Fixated 55
Anustart 54
Ass Slapping Worthy Trivia 53
We’re On The Board 52
I Hate Wearing Pants 50
Second Star To The Right And Straight On Til Morning 49
Is The Pope Catholic 47
Jake From State Farm 46
Pastor Of Muppets 43
Derrick Ditched Us 38
Let’s Get Drunk And Be Somebody 37
Bye Bye Bachmann 34
Tuning Forks Turn Me On 34
Maybe We Won’t Be In Last Place This Time 32
Place Generic Name Here 30

Shave And A Haircut … Two Cents

May 29, 2013

Bill Nye tackles the ever-pressing question – how does Superman shave?

Musty TV

May 27, 2013

I was thumbing through my copy of The Complete Directory To Prime Time Network And Cable TV Shows the other night when I stumbled across an entry entitled What A Dummy. If you don’t remember this syndicated gem, let me refresh your memory: A kid find his late uncle’s ventriloquist dummy, Buzz, a dummy who was no dummy, as Buzz could walk and talk.  Wacky hijinks ensued, of course, in the usual sitcom manner. 

Not that I recall this series myself. Even with a memory refreshed and bestirred by the printed word, it sparks not so much as a glint of gray-mattered reminiscence. And, true, as a buff of that vast wasteland of bubble gum for the mind that is TV, very little surprises me anymore. Far sillier premises exist (My Mother, The Car, Bosom Buddies, 60 Minutes just to name a few) but what really startled me is that the show ran 24 episodes! 24 EPISODES!!!! By today’s standards, that’s the equivalent of five years prime time network with a lucrative syndication deal to boot! 

Yet, as incredible as the thought that an idea this dumb made it past the pitching stage, through executives’ infinite tweakings, focus groups, and into a package the production company was willing to submit as their best effort, more remarkable still is the sight that befell me only one page over: 

Yakov Smirnoff’s network series What A Country! lasted two episodes longer. 

Bloody hell. 

Party Girl

May 26, 2013

My sister had a slumber party for her 14th birthday and I, being the pain-in-the-ass little brother I was, tried to spy on them by hiding in her closet. Unfortunately, by the time the girls finished lip-synching to side A of the Go Gos Beauty and the Beat, I realized I had to pee and tried to sneak out. Of course, my sister’s friends caught me and they put make-up on me and dressed me in a bra and panties and forced me dance around like a stripper. It was humiliating.

Yet, in retrospect, kinda hot.

WTH, K?

May 23, 2013

First K Mart encouraged you to “ship your pants” and now … “Big Gas Savings!” Enjoy and titter.

Trivia Rankings: 22 May 2013

May 23, 2013
Orally Fixated 69
My Weiner Is Running 68
We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Team Name 67
We Plead The 5TH 65
Saying It Never Gets Old Gets Old 65
What Do You Mean Tattoos Don’t Have Autocorrect? 65
Mayor Weiner = Hard To Beat 60
Red Beans & Rice 60
Unemployed 60
The Never Nudes 59
Machete Kills 59
Steve Holt! 59
My Bedroom Is Called The TARDIS Because I Take Women Through Space And Time 58
Come Meet My Dog Pippin 57
AUUUGHHH! 56
The Lucille Ball Stars 56
South Harmon Institute Of Teachers 55
Undecided 55
We’re On The Board 54
OK Senators Do The Twist 54
Full Steam 52
Shark Bait 51
Assault With A Deadly … Water Balloon? 50
We Ran Out Of Ideas And Time 49
Gunner’s Gang 48
DCVXVI 46
Meredith Was Late 39

Let’s Screw With The Future!

May 21, 2013

Have you seen the video of the time travelers on cell phones?

A while back some video surfaced – a clip of an extra in a Charlie Chaplin film, another of a young woman walking out of a factory – purporting to be of people in the 1920s and 1930s on cell phones. Of course, as most everyone who wasn’t homeschooled knows, cell phones weren’t around in the first half of the 20th century. So, by way of explanation, if these people were on cell phones in a time when there were no cell phones then they MUST be time travelers. Complete BS. But if there’s anything the Internet loves it’s unfounded erroneous crap. That means the videos became a bit of a sensation on the worldwide web and even logical protestations such as There were no cell towers for which to get a signal to use the phones! and Time travelers wouldn’t be so stupid so as to call attention to themselves by using futuretech out in the open like that! were met with eyes rolls as if the naysayers just didn’t get the point.

Well, the point is we may never know what exactly these denizens of the past were doing but one thing is clear – we must do the very same to the people of the future! Think about it. Who knows what kind of bizarre and impressive kinds of telecommunication will exist in 50 or 100 years. Maybe a smaller cell phone device surgically affixed to our temples or retina-based readouts were we touch the air and move things around like Minority Report. Geez, it could even be telepathic in nature. So if in a century or two people in the future look back at the quaint videotape or digital media of today and see us doing the things they so perfunctorily do to talk to one another across great distances they will think we are all time travelers!

That’s why we need to start doing these things, whatever they may be. So the next time you pose for a picture at a party or get recorded on a night out with your friends do something that may seem odd today but in the coming centuries could appear as though you are one of them. Touch your thumb and index finger to your temple and talk or gesticulate wildly in the air as if you’re moving unseen video screens. Nod your head and stick out your tongue or grit your teeth and make staccato guttural sounds. Intertwine your fingers and waggle them purposefully. Just do something! Make it look like you’re having a conversation from the future because we want those supercilious bastards to look back at us and freak the hell out! How could they possibly be using the phones like we use them? They didn’t have them! They must be time travelers!! Stupid, you say? Yes, but think of the time they’ll waste trying to make sense of it all.

And, sure, out of every thousand people who do this, 999 will look like complete loons but that one person – that ONE person who just happens upon by sheer accident the exact motion that mirrors whatever passes for a phone call in the 23rd century will make them lose their massive future minds!

So, come on, people. Let’s do it… let’s screw with the future!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 19, 2013

Five Musically-Inspired Crayola Colors

New Kids on the Black

CumbawUmber

P!nk

Simply Red

LMFAOrange

 

Five Future Stupid Internet Fads

Cameling (posing on all fours with something stuffed under your shirt on your back to resemble a hump)

Drumsticking (eating imaginary chicken)

Saucering (holding up large round objects over your eyes)

Evolutioning (multiple people posing as the various stages from the evolution of man chart)

Papering (sticking toilet paper on the bottom of your shoe in fancy situations i.e. wedding photos & graduations pics)

 

Five Sounds of Silence

Crickets

One hand clapping

Audience at a Yanni concert

Commitmentphobe’s reaction to “Do you love me?”

Butter screaming

 

Five Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago

Patricia Krentcil (The Tan Mom)

Kai the hatchet-wielding hitchhiker

Ryan Lochte

Ugandan guerilla leader Joseph Kony

Baauer, guy responsible for the Harlem Shake

 

Five Iron Man Complaints

Electromagnet in chest makes TSA screenings hell

Stark Industries’ Dow Jones abbreviation is STAIN

A-holes who hum that Black Sabbath song in elevators

Pepper seems to have the hots for that dude in Coldplay

In summer, armor cooks chumblies like a baked potato in tin foil

 

Sparky MacMillan is fully rested and barrel-chested.

Get On Board

May 17, 2013

“To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

Not in my book, pally.  But I’m selfish in that department.