Archive for January, 2013

Impossible Dream

January 31, 2013

What’s with The Impossibles?

You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? Hanna-Barbera’s rock ‘n’ roll trio who transformed themselves into super-heroes when danger loomed. They were second-billed to Frankenstein Jr. in thirty-six animated Saturday morning adventures way back in 1966.


There was the Spring Wonder, Coil Man. The Human Throng, Multi Man. And the Liquid Lawkeeper, Fluid Man. They would travel from town to town, performing their music, rocking the fans (of which they had many) well into the night. Or at least until they would receive a call on their guitar-phones from their super-secret boss who would alert them to some villainous menace nearby or some crime in progress. The Impossibles, as this was the name of their rock band as well, would then cut their concert short, change into their super-heroic identities and battle the bad guy.

And throughout all of this, we, the audience, were supposed to believe the Impossibles had secret identities and led super-secret lives! As if!


Think about that. Imagine you go to a Nickelback concert (just imagine – I don’t recommend it). You’re enjoying the tunes, thrillin’ to Photograph and the like when, all of a sudden, Nickelback stops in the middle of a song. They seem to be talking to their instruments. You think you hear them say something like “We’re on it, chief!” And they’re off – bang, like a shot. Nickelback ends their set in mid song. No explanations, no encores, no How You Remind Me. Maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll reschedule the event. It’s doubtful they’ll give you a full refund (and even if you get one, Ticketmaster gets to keep the ten dollar service charge). And, surprise of surprises, the next day in the morning papers, you read that the previous night, only a few minutes after Nickelback left the stage, the super-hero team known as Nickelback, a supergroup that has never before appeared in your town, fought and defeated a bank robber just a few miles away from the concert arena.

Can you tell me that you aren’t the least bit suspicious?! I mean, c’mon – even Lois Lane wasn’t this thick.

So, get with it, Hanna and Barbera. There is suspension of belief, granted, else all of our televisual fiction, be it animated or live action, falls to pieces, but I’m not buying this load of fish twaddle with monopoly money!

Forgive me if I demand some realism in my cartoons.

The Write Stiff

January 29, 2013

Somewhere out there … probably in a spacious sunroom overlooking the beach or a warm, cozy study filled with gingham throws and mahogany accents … Nicholas Sparks is beginning to write yet another novel that no doubt will soon be turned into a crappy romantic film for which I will be issued the usual “if you love me you will see it with me” ultimatum by my wife.

Oh, how I hate him.

Costume Drama

January 28, 2013

In college, I had a job working for this business that would supply costumed characters for kids’ birthday parties. To avoid copyright infringement, the company would rent out characters like “Friendly Dinosaur” instead of Barney or “Burger Clown” instead of Ronald McDonald.

In my spare time, just for fun, I liked to dress up as our Mickey Mouse clone (“Fun Park Rat”) and hang around exit ramps holding a sign that said: “Will Carry Plague For Food.”

Spent a night in jail once for that gag.  Heh.  So totally worth it.

heavy petting

January 26, 2013

An American Demographics survey reports that nearly one in three people leave their TV or radio on to keep their pets company. Additional survey results say that 41 percent leave the lights on as well.

Despite these findings, no one can quite explain what the deal is with people who own ferrets.


January 25, 2013

On my 19th birthday, I ate so much cake I blacked out.  When I came to, I was in a bed and breakfast in Connecticut.  It was three days later and I was missing a kidney.  I still have the scar.


January 23, 2013

Five Made Up Meals







Five Tax Deductions My Financial Advisor Will Shoot Down

That Edge of Glory I ordered off late night TV

Membership in Cruller-Of-The–Month Club

Investment in Off-Broadway musical based on life of Rue McClanahan

Tuition to John Robert Powers School of Modeling

My second family in Brevard


Five Answers to “What Time Is It?”

Clobberin’ time!

Time to make the doughnuts.

Adventure Time!

Time for me to fly.

It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight!


Five Crimes Against Fish

Shooting them in a barrel

Not cleaning out the aquarium on a regular basis

Fake bait

That annoying, singing Boogie Bass

Long John Silver’s


Five Other Subway Lies

FebruANY is not a real month

No one knows what B.M.T. stands for

Sandwich “artists” are really just minimum wage slackers

That’s NOT Chipotle Southwest sauce!!!

Jared just had a tapeworm


Sparky MacMillan is filled with the juices of life.


January 21, 2013

I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I watch a lot of cartoons (I do, but I don’t wanna give anyone that impression) but I happened to catch an old Popeye cartoon the other night and I gotta say I was impressed.   

It was one of the real old ones, the ones where Popeye mumbled a lot (not to suggest the sailor man’s speech was ever worthy of Henry Higgins’ approval but you know what I mean), and Popeye had found this stray dog, a froufrou little Pekingese or Pomeranian or something.  Well, Bluto comes along with his dog, a big ol’ bulldog (because apparently Rottweilers and Dobermans weren’t the tough guy dog o’ choice back when the cartoon was made) and starts to bully Popeye.  Likewise Bluto’s dog starts to bully the stray that Popeye has found. 

And when I say “bully,” I mean beat the “ever-loving, living crap out of.”  It was freaking amazing!  Bluto was punching and slamming and kicking and throwing down like a bloody fast-forwarded episode of Dragonball Z!  Damn, it was beautiful!  Wam!  Bam!  Smackdown on your backside, naval boy! 

And don’t get me wrong.  I’m not advocating violence nor am I thrilled at the horrendous trouncing Bluto was raining down on our hero.  I was just shocked, astounded and generally nonplussed by the extreme sheer physicality of the display.  I mean, hey, they talk about how much violence kids today are exposed to, this was, like, 1938 or something and Bluto’s just going to town on a dude half his size.  Of course, later on, Popeye eats some spinach (as does the little frilly dog) and returns just as good as he got, but that’s beside the point.   

Man, those cats were getting medieval on each other asses!  That was some mind-altering assault and battery! 

Damn, I love cartoons!

Strings Attached

January 19, 2013

When I was seven, I got invited to my cousin’s birthday party. Since his parents couldn’t afford a clown or magician or actual entertainment, my uncle put on a puppet show complete with home-made marionettes. Unfortunately, he had made the damn things out of old G.I. Joes and Barbies and he got the strings crossed and Ski Patrol Joe ended up doing something rather obscene to Skipper.

I can’t say for sure that’s why my relationships are all screwed up, but it can’t have helped.

Man On The Moon

January 17, 2013

64 years ago today, the late Andy Kaufman was born. He was lost far too early, dying in 1984. In the intervening years, he gave us some pretty amazing, original, hilarious and puzzling memories. This is but one of them, taken from an early SNL performance.

What They Said, What They Meant

January 16, 2013

It’s award show season once again and, in the spirit of the season, College Humor presents Honest Titles for 2013’s Oscar Nominated Movies. (And let’s be real – the one for Amour is pretty dead on accurate.)