Archive for January, 2017

People I Hate #781 (In A Series)

January 31, 2017

Who: The guy whistling in the men’s room

Why I Hate Him: He’s whistling in the men’s room!

How I justify it: There’s supposed to be a code, okay. It’s the men’s room – you have one item of business to attend to (okay, technically, one of two). You get in, you get out, no eye contact, no small talk – perhaps a congenial nod or howdy if you pass a co-worker but otherwise it’s a place sans communication, vocalization and jubilation. THERE’S NO WHISTLING! That’s just creepy and off-putting and it makes me clench up mid-stream … so … so knock it off, ya screwball!

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An Open Letter To That Woman In Chapel Hill

January 27, 2017

Hey, Luv. I appreciate that you live in Chapel Hill. I know it’s a bastion of unadulterated liberalness. That’s what I love about the town. Hey, I went to school there. I know. I am one of you. 

But, lady, seriously. It’s time to take the Kucinich 2008 bumper sticker off your Subaru. Just need to scrape it right off. Maybe use some WD-40. 

Keeping it on this long doesn’t make you an idealist, it just makes you pathetic.

January 25 Trivia Rankings

January 26, 2017

A lovely night of trivia, Quizlings. Thanks to everyone who came to play (especially to the new faces – hope you’ll be back). We talked of the inauguration, cocktails and some unfortunate cinema. There’s more next week. We’ll see you then.

Meanwhile, there’s this …

Now here are the team rankings for the week.

Who Do You Have To Screw To Get A Table Around Here? 65
Mary Tyler No Moore L 65
Glen Is Not In Love With Cher – Alternative Fact 64
You’ve Got Spunk… I Hate Spunk 64
New Jobs And New Babies 63
We Are Getting All The Answers Right Tonight Because #AlternativeFacts 63
Oh God! No, No – Just No 61
Badlands? More Like Badass National Park 60
99 Problems But A Poncho’s Not One 59
Do You Deport Your Daughter If She’s Registered In Two States? 59
We’re Gonna Make It After All 58
Melania, Blink Twice If You Need Help 52
They Stole Our Name 52
My Crowd Is Bigger Than Your Crowd 50
Grayson’s Straight Trippin’ 49
We Need A Team Name 46
Mulatto 35

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 24, 2017

Five Days The Music Died

Buddy Holly’s plane crash (1959)

John Lennon’s assassination (1980)

KISS goes make-up free (1983)

The “Soy Bomb” incident (1998)

The release of Kevin Federline’s album (2008)

 

Five Nursery Rhyme Characters That Are Dicks

Old King Cole

Wee Willie Winkie

Georgie Porgie

Little Jack Horner

Cock Robin

 

Five Reasons To Watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

Lost a bet

Easily swayed by pop culture icons

Remote went missing – can’t change channel

Your family looks like saints compared to these vain, talentless famewhores

Haven’t been the same since that mule kicked you in the head

 

Five Puzzling & Regrettable Cracker Jack Prizes

An opened ketchup packet

Gangrene

Sawdust

A crude drawing of Seth Meyers

A smaller, tinier box of Cracker Jacks

 

Five Signs You’ll Never Be Nominated For An Academy Award

Your movie was shot on your phone in your parent’s basement

Your “animated short” is nothing but a VHS of an old Popeye cartoon

The screenplay was adapted from a Denny’s menu

Sound track consists solely of fart noises

Your name is Vin Diesel

 

Memory Loss Leader

January 20, 2017

For some reason I have no recollection of my 24th birthday. It’s not like I was drunk and forgot. I just have no memory of it. No celebrations, no parties, no cards, nothing. I think I may have accidentally skipped it. Which would technically make me a year younger, I think. And that’s a plus.

January 18, 2017 Trivia Rankings

January 19, 2017

Another week, another 55 questions. So what did we learn, Quizlings? We learned that baby Luna has some pretty awesome parents and that Dr. Phil is full of bull. Also, there was this guy…

big-mouth-billy-bass

Now here are the rankings for the week…

Grizzlies Have Rights Too 70
48 Hours Of Democracy 70
Sugar Babies 66
The Putin Tangers 65
Our Mommies Think We Can Win 65
Life Was Better Before Twitter 63
Proficiency Versus Growth? 63
Noodle Squad 63
Guns For Grizzlies 62
Obama Pardons H. Lector 58
Yeaaaah Boyyyyyy 53
New National Bird – The Toupee Eagle 52
Well, Hell 44
Clueless 43
Inaugalypse 40
Is Mayonnaise An Instrument? 34

A Chicken Pox

January 15, 2017

This is Taco Bell’s Naked Chicken Chalupa, launching nationwide on January 26. It consists of a shell made with marinated chicken packed with lettuce, tomatoes, cheddar cheese and avocado ranch. It is evil. And people will die.

naked-chicken-chalupa

Mark my words: people will die from this insanity. Sure, we managed the McGriddle and the Thickburger and the Double Down but that was merely tempting fate. (Actually that was walking right up to fate, opening your shirt and writing with an indelible marker INSERT CORONARY HERE.)  Now, with this nascent poultry monstrosity (poulstrosity?), all bets are off and people will finally die. I envision customers taking a savory bite and then exploding right there by the fire sauce or collapsing into a puddle of fleshy goo under the banner that ironically implores you to Live Más. Either way, no one will be surprised and no one will sue because it’s just the natural evolution of caloric QSR offerings and that’s just the way it is and will forevermore be.

The Naked Chicken Chalupa. Yep, people will die. Mark my words.

What A Pool Believes

January 13, 2017

Here’s the official “for your consideration” video for the movie Deadpool.

Personally, I would have thought a 29 year old Clint Eastwood movie would be ineligible for the Oscar but, hey, anything’s possible…

1/11/17 Trivia Rankings

January 12, 2017

Do you know who these people are?

    

Then you weren’t at Wednesday night trivia this week.

Sorry for the stumpers, Quizlings, but we did learn a little bit about children’s books, vanishing wildlife and the Golden Globes, so it wasn’t a complete wash.

We’ll do it again next Wednesday. Meanwhile, here are the rankings for the week…

Sweta’s Sick, We’re Doomed 65
Trippin’ With Grayson 63
Our Constitution Is About To Get A Golden Shower 61
Hidden Fences Starring Samuel L. Fisher 60
Sicilian Brazilian 60
Nothing Fake About Jake’s (Holla!) 58
Fake News Doesn’t Get A Question 58
Enter Team Name Here 56
Ice Ice Baby 56
Gaslighting America 54
If Only Russia Could Hack Our Trivia Team 52
That Bitch Cut Off The Dramatic Reading 51
Y’all Know Michelle Don’t Play 51
The Fast & The Furious: Trivia Drift 48
The Hot Ones 46
Stuck In La La Land 39
Gluttons For Punishment 31

Can’t Weather All Get Along?

January 10, 2017

Due to the weather, I’ve heard the media use the term “black ice” more times than I care to count in the last 48 hours. As such, I can never hear it without recalling this Key & Peele sketch…