Some say it’s the biggest mystery in pop music: Who exactly was Carly Simon talking about when she sang her hit song You’re So Vain? Names have been bandied about for years – former hubby James Taylor, rock legend Mick Jagger, even onetime paramour Warren Beatty seemed to top many lists. But Simon kept mum for the most part, only auctioning off the secret for charity once. Dick Ebersol of NBC Sports won that honor, contingent that he not reveal the name, although he was only allowed to give one hint, which was, “the letter E is in the name.” Over the years, other clues, sometimes contradictory, have cropped up – the letters A and R have also been alluded to, as well – but now Carly Simon has decided to leak a clue that seems to put many guesses to rest: the name David. That means no Beatty, no Jagger, no Taylor. However, as some musical detectives are keen to point out, that does leaves David Cassidy, David Bowie and David Geffen, although really none fit all the clues. And … geez …
You know what? I officially don’t give a damn any more. Sure, like most, I was curious at first. Oooh, let’s dish some dirt on a cad who stood her up and thinks he’s all that, y’know? But now, it’s just too much bloody work. I like a good game of 20 questions but I don’t want the clues doled out in cryptic soundbites over the course of four decades! It’s like if Robert McNamara had come out on November 23 and said, “I know who really shot JFK, but I’m not saying. Okay, his name has an R in it” and then slowly dispensed equally esoteric hints over the next 45 years until his death. It just takes the wind out of any real mystery when you get jerked around like this. Either tell us who the hell it is or shut your piehole on the subject forever. The suspense has been diminished to the point where anticlimactic would be a welcome relief. At this rate, you know it’s going to be something like, “Oh, it’s my elementary school crush David Redding; you don’t know him” or “It’s actually an amalgam of all the guys I ever dated. Ain’t I a stinker?”
And that’s why I’m not playing any more. Don’t care. Don’t wanna know. Won’t guess; don’t ask me.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my Lear jet up to Nova Scotia to catch the total eclipse of the I DON’T GIVE CRAP!