Archive for February, 2010

Epic Whale Fail

February 28, 2010

My thoughts on the whole SeaWorld tragedy are summed up pretty well in a piece I did a while back called An Open Letter to Humans From the Animal Kingdom…

In fact, substitute marine mammal parks for Las Vegas stage shows and I think you’ll get the idea.

You’re So Vague

February 26, 2010

Some say it’s the biggest mystery in pop music: Who exactly was Carly Simon talking about when she sang her hit song You’re So Vain? Names have been bandied about for years – former hubby James Taylor, rock legend Mick Jagger, even onetime paramour Warren Beatty seemed to top many lists. But Simon kept mum for the most part, only auctioning off the secret for charity once.  Dick Ebersol of NBC Sports won that honor, contingent that he not reveal the name, although he was only allowed to give one hint, which was, “the letter E is in the name.”  Over the years, other clues, sometimes contradictory, have cropped up – the letters A and R have also been alluded to, as well – but now Carly Simon has decided to leak a clue that seems to put many guesses to rest: the name David. That means no Beatty, no Jagger, no Taylor.  However, as some musical detectives are keen to point out, that does leaves David Cassidy, David Bowie and David Geffen, although really none fit all the clues. And … geez …

You know what? I officially don’t give a damn any more. Sure, like most, I was curious at first.  Oooh, let’s dish some dirt on a cad who stood her up and thinks he’s all that, y’know?  But now, it’s just too much bloody work.  I like a good game of 20 questions but I don’t want the clues doled out in cryptic soundbites over the course of four decades!  It’s like if Robert McNamara had come out on November 23 and said, “I know who really shot JFK, but I’m not saying. Okay, his name has an R in it” and then slowly dispensed equally esoteric hints over the next 45 years until his death.  It just takes the wind out of any real mystery when you get jerked around like this.  Either tell us who the hell it is or shut your piehole on the subject forever.  The suspense has been diminished to the point where anticlimactic would be a welcome relief.  At this rate, you know it’s going to be something like, “Oh, it’s my elementary school crush David Redding; you don’t know him” or “It’s actually an amalgam of all the guys I ever dated. Ain’t I a stinker?”

And that’s why I’m not playing any more.  Don’t care. Don’t wanna know. Won’t guess; don’t ask me.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my Lear jet up to Nova Scotia to catch the total eclipse of the I DON’T GIVE CRAP!

Tex Support

February 26, 2010

It’s the birthday of animation legend Tex Avery! Let’s celebrate with a little Screwy Squirrel…

Hang ‘Em All!

February 25, 2010

Have you ever wondered about the Trends Used In Comedy Movie Posters From 1915 to 2010?  Probably not.  But if you’ve ever wanted to get a look at a lot of movie posters from the the last 95 years, then you’ll want to click the link.  It’s actually a pretty nifty overview of the trends used in comedy movie posters from 1915 to – saaaaay, wait a minute!  Y’know, I think I have honestly wondered about the Trends Used In Comedy Movie Posters From 1915 to 2010!  How fortunate!

Run It Up The Pole & See Who Salutes It

February 24, 2010

Pole Dancing … in the Olympics?! 

Hey, they let in snowboarding, so the bar isn’t exactly perched extremely high now, is it?

Car Assurance

February 23, 2010

I just gotta say that I love Kia’s new ad campaign featuring the toys joyriding around the country.  Not enough to actually buy one of the vehicles or anything, but I finally think I’ve found an entourage I could truly hang with.  Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba, the Sock Monkey, robot, teddy bear and that other guy are fantastic free-wheelin’ companions and, together, we could tear it up.  They could totally pull the fly honeys and we could hit the clubs and camp out at night and stop in kitschy roadside boutiques and shoppes.  (South of the Border, anyone?)  Fun?  No … freakin’ AWESOME is what it is.  I mean, I know it’s a fantasy, but I want to party with those dudes.  Seriously.

“Shotgun!”

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

February 22, 2010

Five Candy Bars I Miss

Marathon

Butternut

PB Max

Summit

Bar None

 

Five Holidays You’ll Probably Never Get A Card For

Columbus Day

Chinese New Year

Victoria Day

Leif Erikson Day

First Day of Atlantic Hurricane Season

 

Five Foods You May Be Surprised To Hear I’ve Eaten

Habenero stuffed olives

Pork brains

Friskies cat food

Chicken livers

Cookies salvaged from a dumpster behind a bakery

 

Five Pets That Make You A Tool

Tarantula

Ferret

Dog chained up in yard

Poisonous Snake

Any jungle cat in an apartment

 

Five Sentences I’ve Never Spoken (And Never Will)

“Bartender, another Pink Lady, por favor.”

“I will pay you large sums of money to kick me in the nuts.”

“A spastic monkey pantomimes Aquarius shenanigans in Bolivia.”

“President Bush was the best leader our nation could ever ask for.”

“Please put your clothes back on, Sarah Michelle.”

Trophy Wise

February 21, 2010

The BAFTAs are on tonight, airing on BBC America. I’m sure planning on tuning in.  Not that it has the gravitas of the Oscars, granted, but I like the BAFTAs.  I like watching the BAFTAs.  Primarily, I like saying “BAFTA.”  BAFTA.  BAFTA.  BAFTA.  BAFTA!  Sounds like a good all around insult word.  Wicked, deprecating with just the slightest hint of impropriety.  Hey, if you don’t like it, you can kiss my BAFTA.

Breaking News

February 20, 2010

I just found out that AMC is reairing the first two seasons of the series Breaking Bad before season three starts up on March 21st!  Find out why Bryan Cranston won two Emmy awards and watch the first 20 episodes (see the broadcast schedule HERE).  It may be the best series you aren’t watching.  Unless you are watching it.  Except not at the moment because you’re reading this.  Unless you’re multitasking.  (Damn, second guessing every potential eventuality is hard.)

Simonize

February 19, 2010

Simple Simon met a pieman

Going to the fair;

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“Let me taste your ware.”

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,

“Show me first your penny.”

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“Indeed I have not any.”

Is it just me or does this sound like an incident that would end up on an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit some time?

“Ripped from the headlines” indeed.