Archive for May, 2015

A la peanut butter sandwiches!

May 31, 2015

Found a peanut butter & jelly sandwich the other day. It was just sitting there … alone, abandoned, neglected. I took it home and fed it and looked after it and tended to it for a while. When it finally began to trust me, I clubbed it to death and ate it.

Hey, chill out – it was only a peanut butter & jelly sandwich! Plus I was really hungry.


May 29, 2015

I have many reasons to dislike the Scripps National Spelling Bee …

Like the way the bee isn’t broadcast on a major network but relegated to the various ESPNs, for starters. This suggests that a more cerebral pursuit such as spelling isn’t worthy of non-cable channel like ABC or even PBS. (Heck, they put the preliminaries on ESPN3, which is one step away from The Ocho.)

The way bee contestants can seem like dictionary-spewing automatons, formed by years of intense, near-abusive drilling by overzealous parents living vicariously through their borderline-Aspergers academics.

The way the bee allows ties, as exemplified by this year’s co-winners. Seriously, the final round is composed of 25 words and if the uber-brains make it through then they are both crowned Supreme Spellsmith. What the hell? The nerdbiscuits can’t grab a dictionary and come up with some more words?

The way the bee organizers have unceremoniously swept Howard under the rug after his and Scripps’ same-sex divorce.

…but the main reason the National Spelling Bee pisses me off so is that they use a bell to denote incorrect spelling. See for yourself…

See! He gets it wrong and – ding! No, no, no, no, NO! A bell is for when you get something right. A BUZZER is for when you get something wrong. Have these geeks never seen a game show?! That’s how competitions work, especially competitions on TV. It just sounds so wrong and if these little scholastic show-offs aren’t messed up enough by the rigid mental discipline their rents have inflicted upon them then this gross misuse of tournament sound effects will surely do the trick.


May 28, 2015

Five Word That Kind Of Sound Like Mattress







Five Hidden Dangers In Your Home


Dry rot



That new lamp that looks suspiciously like a ninja


Five Rejected Prom Themes

This Tragic Moment

Sparringtime in Paris

Date With Desenex

A Ted Knight To Remember

Night of 1,000 Stares


Five Reasons I Hate MTV

They stopped airing music videos

They wouldn’t hire me

They cancelled Beavis & Butt-head

Tabitha Soren never responded to my love letters

Jesse Camp, Jackass, Teen Mom, Jersey Shore – seriously, do I need to go on?


Five Flash Pick-Up Lines

I like fast girls.

Don’t tell anyone … but my secret identity is Brad Pitt.

What has two thumbs and owns a cosmic treadmill? THIS guy!

Yeaaaaah, I know Aquaman.

I’m only the fastest man alive when I’m fighting crime, if ya know what I mean.


27 May 2015 Wednesday Night Trivia Rankings

May 27, 2015
Soccer Hooligans – A New Breed 69
Irish I Was Gay 69
We’re Dead Sober Now But We Expect To Get Over It 65
One Is The Loneliest Number 62
I Can Has Brownie? 61
Federally Investigated Football Association 61
Rick Astley Will Lend You Any Pixar Movie Except One 61
We used to be clever … Can we just get a brownie? 60
Hey, FIFA! Your Check Bounced! 58
Music Questions Are A Pain In The ASCAP 58
My Order Makes A Full House 57
My Friend Now Has Lakefront Property In Texas 57
Sunshine And Rainbows 55
Teens For Scientology 53
For The Team Name 52
3rd Week, No Team Name 50
Boobs Went Down To Georgia 50
Standing Room Only 45
Hillary’s To-Do List 1) Delete E-Mails 2) Cancel Bill’s Tindr 3) P/U Milk 44
Houston, We Have A Problem 43
Bull City’s Finest 42
Three Amigos 42
Trent’s Back From New York 39
Hoof Hearted 37

Remembering Their Sacrifice

May 25, 2015


My grandfather served with the U.S. 1st Infantry Division during the Second World War and fought with C Company in the Battle of Crucifix Hill. When company commander Captain Bobbie E. Brown destroyed three enemy pillboxes, my grandfather was by his side. As the company repelled German counterattacks, my grandfather was mortally wounded. For his bravery, he posthumously received the Purple Heart and the Medal of Honor.

Today, I honored my grandfather by saving 50% on a new mattress. Happy Memorial Day, America!

Basket Case

May 24, 2015

I was at Harris Teeter the other evening, doing a bit of late night shopping, and I noticed a line of those electronic buggies by the entrance – you know the ones that you can ride around on when the staff’s not looking.  Well, there’s this great big sign on the front on the basket that reads: No children in basket. So I looked and I looked and, yep, sure enough – there were no children in the basket. Why the heck they needed to put a sign on it stating the bleedin’ obvious I’ll never know!

It’s Always Sunny

May 21, 2015

If you’re familiar with the oft mocked, sometimes parodied Sunny D commercial from the 1990s, you should appreciate this update…

20 May 2015 Wednesday Trivia Night Rankings

May 20, 2015
We’re Back! 60
Today, Cher Turns 69 And Glen Turns Bright Red 60
We Don’t Need A Brownie – We Brought One 56
1803 Was A Good Year 55
It’s My Party, And I’ll Win Trivia If I Want To 55
Trivia-A Capella 51
Last Week’s 9th Place 48
Pizza Buster 48
Nice Save, Epiglottis 44
Our Only Goal Is To Beat Stephen Wise 43
Lucille Ballstars 43
We May Leave Early 43
Stupid Human Tricks Gone Wrong 41
Can We Wear Flats In Here? 41
I Hate Picking A Team Name 40
Top 10 Reasons We’re Going To Win At Trivia 40
Frodo’s Hobbit Hole 39
Bin Laden’s Book Club 30
Trivia’s Harder Than College 22
Mike, Mike, What Day Is It? 21

People I Hate #333 (In A Series)

May 18, 2015

Who: The guy who says “Don’t leave me hangin’” when he tries to high-five you.

Why: It doesn’t matter where you are – chatting in a parking lot, sitting in a staff meeting, walking across campus – someone will say something or do something and he’ll feel the need to punctuate the moment with a high-five. The moment doesn’t need it. The high-five is awkward, unprovoked and completely egregious. But there it is, suspended aloft, awaiting reciprocation. The last thing you want to do is high-five this douchebag. Maybe you don’t like him or perhaps it’s just that the high-five is so misplaced and ridiculous that by even acknowledging it you risk lowering yourself to his idiotic level. But there it is, that plaintive hand and that challenging entreaty: Don’t leave me hangin’! But you should. You should leave him hangin’. He’s a tool with absolutely no ability to read a social situation and you should totally leave him hangin’ in any way that concept can be interpreted.

How I justify it: If the situation warranted a high-five, I would have already freakin’ high-fived you and so you wouldn’t need to beg me to validate your stupid existence.


May 14, 2015

You say MacDonald’s has updated the Hamburglar? Pshaw! There’s only one Hamburglar out there and the hipster dbag in commercials ain’t him!

Find out what the McDonaldland felon has been up to in this great new video not – I repeat, NOT – sponsored by Mickey D’s (but it damn well should be).