Archive for August, 2016

August 31 Trivia Rankings

August 31, 2016

A very interesting night of trivia so thanks to all the wonderful Quizlings who came out to play. Reminder that Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia will be celebrating our seventh anniversary every week in September. That means for the next four weeks you’ll be treated to special games, special prizes and maybe some special rounds of trivawesomeness.

This week was all about Phelps Face, Zhu Zhu music and serious Francophilia. Oh – and this dude…

Now, here are this week’s team rankings from top to bottom. How’d your team do?

The Unemployed Oompa Loompass 71
Tebow Doesn’t Have A Prayer 62
Tom Brady’s New Hairdon’t 55
Team Name 54
Heaven Got Wilder 54
Kanye Made Us Famous 53
My Drinking Friends Have A Trivia Problem 52
Despite All Our Rage, We’re Still Just Nicolas Cage 49
A Team Has No Name 49
Freudian Sips 49
Pikachu vs. Rudolph 48
Returning Participation Medal Winners 47
Timmy’s Avengers 45
Sickenstein 45
Mexico’s Paying For My Yuge Pizza 44
We May Lose Every Week But Our Team Name Is On Point 41
1 Pack 1 Goal 41
Still Waiting For Our Calzones 40
Jack, Come Back 39

People I Hate #118 (In A Series)

August 29, 2016

Who: The chick perched on her boyfriend’s shoulders at an outdoor rock concert.

Why: She’s drunk, probably high, and she wants to be the center of attention by straddling her boyfriend’s bony shoulders and screaming at the top of her lungs as if she were leading Pickett’s Charge up Cemetery Ridge. She’s blocking the view of everyone behind her and not because hers is necessarily better on top of ole dopey. She’s just so self-centered and shallow that she thinks it’s all about her and by playing piggyback in a throng of thousands she feels she’s adding to the festival atmosphere rather than detracting from it like a dead daddy’s love child at a family reunion. But, hey, just chalk it up to another one of her marvelous life choices – like hooking up with the high school dropout X Games wannabe beneath her rockin’ booty who’s hootin’ and hollerin’ right along with “his old lady” – or like flashing her boobs in hopes she’ll get a backstage invite.

How I justify it: She’s sad. She’s pathetic. She’s a ridiculous gyrating hippie throwback who makes me want to puke. Plus, she’s my mom.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Back To School Edition)

August 27, 2016

Five Embarrassing School Memories

Spit Up Milk On Teacher – 9th Grade

Mispronounced “Comfortable” When Narrating Film Strip – 1st Grade

Fly Open During Oral Report – 11th Grade

Danced As Christmas Tree In Holiday Pageant – 2nd Grade

Accidentally Killed A Substitute Teacher – 5th Grade


Five Awesome School Supplies

Pen With Four Colors Of Ink

Erasers Shaped Like Animals

Fully Loaded Backpack

New Kids On The Block Lunchbox

The Trapper Keeper


Five Rejected Prom Themes

Midnight On Parris Island

A Black & Blue Ball

One Infected Evening

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

Entrapment Under The Sea


Five Stupid Thesis Topics

The Films Of Adam Sandler As A Metaphor For The Cold War

Grandma’s Menopause

The Jerky Boys: Where Are They Now?

Mad Libs and Women’s Lib

Fire In The Hole: The History Of Spicy Curry


Five Signs Your Teacher Loves You

He slips you notes in class

Asks you to stay behind every day for an entire semester

When you answer a question, he asks you to repeat it – but slower and “make your voice a little more breathy”

During lunch, she stands outside the cafeteria holding a boombox like John Cusack in “Say Anything”

She grades you on her curves

August 24 Trivia Rankings

August 24, 2016

Thanks to all the Quizlings who showed up to play. To those who didn’t: where were you? It felt like one of those crappy Kirk Cameron Left Behind movies out there.

If you missed the fun, you missed a look back at Rio, a moment of silence for the Little Red-Haired Girl, two first place winners and more Lochte names than you could shake a stick at.


Now, here are all the team rankings from top to bottom.

All Grown-Ups Are Pirates 68 (tie)
Drop It Like It’s Lochte 68 (tie)
Women Rejoice: Lochte Loses Speedo! 65
Lochte’s IQ < Our Teams’ Score 65
Rome Falls Again 62
Lochte Up Your Bathrooms 60
Listen … Do You Smell Something? 57
Do It For Harambe 55
Winnie The Pooch 54
Make Trivia Great Again 52
Help! I’m Lochte In The Bathroom 51
Latecomers And Hangers On 50
Men’s Room Door Mugged Us 50
Thank God Billy’s Not Here – He Always Picks The Team Name And We Never Get Anything 49
Killer B’s 40
Grumpy Gargoyles 37
I Hope This Isn’t Current Events Trivia Because We Just Started Watching The Wire 35
Lochte Up Abroad 34
Dukerec 24

All Creatures Great And Creepy

August 23, 2016

You would think that anthropomorphic animals would be a cute way to ease the anxiety at a veterinarian’s office. You’d think that. And perhaps well executed, such an idea might work. But this? Major fail.

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This is the illustration found on a box of veterinary surgical drape. See? The doggie’s a doctor and he’s operating on the cat. Funny, right? WRONG! This is creepy as all get out. That canine sure looks menacing – hell, I have my doubts he even went to medical school. And is he a medical practitioner or is something much more sinister going on? I dunno why but I just get the impression Doctor Feelgoodboy here might be on the brink of creating his own feline centipede or worse.

Whatever the bloody hell is going on here I can guarantee you it’s not sanctioned by the ASPCA.

Bittersweet Sixteen

August 21, 2016

On my 16th birthday, my dad said he had something special for me and we drove to another town where we checked into a motel. Dad left me on my own and said my surprise would be arriving soon. I sat there on the bed and watched MTV.  

Eventually, there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a beautiful woman who said she was my birthday present from my father. She came into the room and undressed me and then told me to go start the shower running and that she would give me a surprise I’d never forget. I quickly ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting the water run nice and hot. However, when I left the bathroom, the woman was gone. And so were my clothes. The motel room door was wide open and I could see people outside pointing and laughing at me.

My father never came back to the motel and I had to make an outfit out of bedsheets and pillowcases just so I could walk home twenty miles in the rain. When I finally got home, my dad laughed and said it was all a harsh lesson in life and that no one ever gets what they want no matter how near they come to it. 

We were never very close after that, me and the old man.

August 17 Trivia Rankings

August 17, 2016

What a night! Some fun trivia, some new faces and a whole slew of Sour Patch Kids.

Reminder: September is our seventh anniversary! Join us each week for fun and games – and some special prizes.

Now, as I said Wednesday night, I have configured the team ranking in two ways. The first is the regular way, based solely on scores. The second is that score divided by the number of people on the team – a per capita score. That way is purely for your edification and enjoyment – not for points.

See you next week, Quizlings.

True Or False? Yes! 73
“Fat Kids Are Harder To Kidnap” – Jason T. Waller 71
Trivia Should Be An Olympic Event 70
My Passport Was Stolen – I Swear! 69
Trump Goes Through Campaign Managers Like He Goes Through Wives 68
The Meme Dies When Harambe Lives! 62
See You Next Summer (Unless We Win, See You Next Week) 62
Slay All Day 61
Infectious Diar-Rio [poop emoji] 60
Wet Bandits 55
Brought Our Own Deck – Stole Your Order 55
Simone Biles 4 President 54
First Name Donald 54
Let’s Get Quizzical 52
Half Of All Americans Are Torsos 50
Sticky Bandits 48
Going For Trivia Gold 47
Cat Scratch Fever 45
Final Five 41
Breitbart Bites 40
Tacos & Coronas 37
Gold Medal Trivia 37
Shocker – Mark’s Late 35

Now, the rankings per capita…

Cat Scratch Fever 22.5
Slay All Day 20.3
Breitbart Bites 20
First Name Donald 18
Trivia Should Be An Olympic Event 17.5
Let’s Get Quizzical 17.3
My Passport Was Stolen – I Swear 13.8
Brought Our Own Deck – Stole Your Order 13.7
Trump Goes Through Campaign Managers Like He Goes Through Wives 13.6
True Or False? Yes! 12.1
“Fat Kids Are Harder To Kidnap” – Jason T. Waller 11.8
The Meme Dies When Harambe Lives 10.3
Wet Bandits 9.1
Simone Biles 4 President 9
See You Next Summer Unless We Win, See You Next Week 8.8
Infectious Diar-Rio [poop emoji] 8.5
Half Of All Americans Are Torsos 8.3
Final Five 8.2
Sticky Bandits 8
Gold Medal Trivia 7.4
Going For Trivia Gold 6.7
Tacos & Coronas 6.1
Shocker – Mark’s Late 4.3

Makes a bit of a difference, doesn’t it? However, please understand me – we will never award the Top Three prizes that way (if for no other reason than it would take too bloody long to compute) but maybe, one day, we might give out a prize for the best per capita team. Who knows?

There We Were All In One Place, A Generation Lost In Space

August 15, 2016

It seems hard to believe that it was nearly fifty years ago we all gathered together there on Yasgur’s farm.  I don’t recall much of the experience, primarily due to sleep deprivation. (Do you know how hard it is to catch forty winks when half a million hippies are groovin’ to rock music?  And the music was, like, nonstop!) Still … I jotted down a few notes for my school paper. Sadly, the article was never published because the principal refused to celebrate “those counter culture weirdos.” 

Nonetheless, here are a few excerpts from my own personal Woodstock diary:

“An Aquarian Exposition: 3 Days of Peace & Music.” So says the poster. For 18 bucks, the Beatles better show up carrying the Rolling Stones, the Doors and Cream on their freakin’ shoulders!

A 20-mile traffic jam?  We are not walking all that way!

Sigh.  We’re walking all that way.

Granola sucks. Every hippie knows it and yet they treat it like it’s ambrosia. It’s not; it’s one step removed from twigs and rocks.

John Sebastian is so messed up. I’m guessing he got his Lovin’ Spoonful from Timothy Leary. (more…)


August 13, 2016

Five Druid Complaints

Smelly Ceremonial Robes

Mistletoe Shortages

That Stuck Up Know-It-All Pliny The Edler

Casual Pagans Who Only Attend On Solstices

An Untidy Henge (if you know what I mean)


Five Rarely-Used Twitter Abbreviations

ROTFS – Rolling On The Floor Spasming

DIAFCA –Die In A Firefly Cosplay Accident

NSFP – Not Safe For Perth (Australia only)


ICYBMI – In case You BMed It


Five Extreme Sports





Ace Of Base Jumping


Five Bad Choices For Ringtones

Someone chewing tinfoil

The screams of the damned

A loud fart

Utter silence

John Cage’s full composition of Organ²/ASLSP (look it up)


Five Hillary Clinton Fears

An unmotivated electorate

Vladimir Putin’s hardline politics

Bill will figure out how to remove his tracking monitor


Someone will discover where the bodies are actually buried

August 10 Trivia Rankings

August 10, 2016

A great night for trivia, if I do say so myself. A three-way tie for first place – the second in a month – and some very nice scores overall. And if I can turn this round of kudos into a PSA, what did we learn this week, Quizlings? “Rule #4: ALWAYS Listen Closely.” I say that for a reason, folks.

What else did we learn? A sampling suit can take up to 20 years to file, Old Lucy is scary and Sparky is above average (at least in height).

Oh and there was this sweet memory …

Oh, I meant to mention – next month we’ll be celebrating seven years of Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia! Join us all month long for special games, prizes and whatever else we can come up with (ice cream…?).

Now here are this week’s trivia team rankings. We’ll see you next time, Quizlings!

Three Years Of Grad School And All I Got Was A Night At Jakes 67
For A Good Time Call 1-800-255-5516 67
Geology Rocks 67
The USA’s Women’s Gymnastics Team of Trivia 66
It’s Not A Birthmark – I’m A Cupper 66
Martial Arts Are More Popular Than Martial Crafts 64
As Useful As An Olympic Lifeguard 64
We Miss You, Frances 63
Hide and Zika 63
We Are Not That Witty 62
La Clos La Door 62
Put Your Phelps Face On 61
Dopey Russians 61
At Least We’ll Win Free Ice Cream, Right? 60
Yellow And Blue Make Green In The Pool 57
Team T.P.A. 54
PED’s Don’t Help In Trivia 51
I’d Like To Order A “Popeye’s Squeeze” But I Don’t See It On The Menu 49
Chad Le So Close 48
Monkeys On A Plane 44
A USA Network Original “The Closer” Starring Michael Phelps 43
Michael’s Finally Legal In Gold 36
It’s A Little Known Fact 30