Archive for May, 2016


May 31, 2016

Five Dog Songs

Collar Me

Walkies On Sunshine

Harlem, Shake! Good Boy!

You Can Call Me Alpo

Who Let The Us Out?


Five Lesser Known X-Men

The Toolverine


The Breast

Charlie Pryde



Five Really Stupid Conspiracy Theories

The moon landing was real but the moon was fake

Squirrels can read the minds of nuts

The documentary “Inside Job” was, in fact, an inside job

Chemtrails are really lines of coke for God

ED drugs were created by the government to mind control the flaccid


Five Historical Game Shows

Let’s Make A New Deal

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Columnist?

Battle Of The Network Tsars

Beat The Hippie

Vlad, Vlad … Don’t Impale Me!


Five Ways To Defeat Donald Trump

Introduce a viable Conservative third party candidate

Expose the underlying fallacy of his campaign

Stab him in the heart with the Sword of Truth

Destroy all his horcruxes

Trick him into saying his name backwards so he has to return to his home dimension

Remembering Their Sacrifice

May 30, 2016


My grandfather served with the U.S. 1st Infantry Division during the Second World War and fought with C Company in the Battle of Crucifix Hill. When company commander Captain Bobbie E. Brown destroyed three enemy pillboxes, my grandfather was by his side. As the company repelled German counterattacks, my grandfather was mortally wounded. For his bravery, he posthumously received the Purple Heart and the Medal of Honor.

Today, I honored my grandfather by saving 50% on a new mattress.

Happy Memorial Day, America!


May 27, 2016

I have many reasons to dislike the Scripps National Spelling Bee …

Like the way the bee isn’t broadcast on a major network but relegated to the various ESPNs, for starters. This suggests that a more cerebral pursuit such as spelling isn’t worthy of non-cable channel like ABC or even PBS. (Heck, they put the preliminaries on ESPN3, which is one step away from The Ocho.)

The way bee contestants can seem like dictionary-spewing automatons, formed by years of intense, near-abusive drilling by overzealous parents living vicariously through their borderline-Aspergers academics.

The way the bee allows ties, as exemplified by this year’s co-winners. Seriously, the final round is composed of 25 words and if the uber-brains make it through then they are both crowned Supreme Spellsmith. What? The nerdbiscuits can’t grab a dictionary and come up with some more words?

The way the bee organizers have unceremoniously swept Howard under the rug after his and Scripps’ same-sex divorce.

…but the main reason the National Spelling Bee pisses me off so is that they use a bell to denote incorrect spelling. See for yourself…

See! He gets it wrong and – ding! No, no, no, no, NO! A bell is for when you get something right, a buzzer is for when you get something wrong. Have these geeks never seen a game show?! That’s how competitions work, especially competitions on TV. It just sounds so wrong and if these little scholastic show-offs aren’t messed up enough by the rigid mental discipline their rents have inflicted upon them then this gross misuse of tournament sound effects will surely do the trick.

May 25 Trivia Rankings

May 25, 2016

“Listen to your friend, Billy Zane – he’s a cool dude.”

I hope everyone enjoyed the festivities. Y’know, it seemed in the heat of the trivia that it was a harder game than usual. Maybe so, but looking at the scores I think overall folks did better than even they suspected. I so rarely see a bonus round where all the scores are as close as they were. Good job, Quizlings!

Please join us next week for a kickoff to summer that includes ice cream for all – and someone walks away with a Massage Envy gift card!

Now, here are the rankings for the week…

Ella Minnow Pea 61
Awesome Speed – Not! 59
Hey, Watch The Elbow, Trudeau 59
The Chewbacca Moms 58
HMS Titanic: The Original Icebucket Challenge 58
Suck It! I Got Bit By A King Cobra 57
Hold The Door 55
Dump The Trumpster 54
Jake And The Lumbersexuals 54
Spoilers Are Coming 53
Booker’s First Night On The Town 53
Schnatsel Terrier 52
Up Yours Trebek! 51
There’s A Bernie In My Caucus 51
Sparky 2016: Making Trivia Great Again 49
Quizards Of The Round Table 48
Kanye SquarePants 48
The Flehmen Responders 47
My Drinking Team Has A Trivia Problem 46
We Let The Dogs Out 44
We Don’t Have A Name 43
Fast Times 39
#CarrieOn 39
Queer Quartet 36

Super Cool

May 22, 2016

I was lingering around the dairy aisle in some supermarket a while back. It’s not something I’m wont to do but I was bored and had some time to kill.

Anyway, I started looking at the ice cream, noting the various brands and flavors and such. Ben & Jerry’s, Healthy Choice, Sealtest. And then I saw an off-brand of frozen confection that looked somewhat interesting. I dunno, the packaging just seemed unique. My eyes landed on one container in particular. It was made by Valley Rich or some such off brand (and I mean “off” brand in the same sense a Peoria stage production is “off” Broadway). I read it once. Twice. Three times. I couldn’t believe that I was reading it right. It just seemed so odd and out of place.

Superman flavored ice cream.


Not Superman Brand. Not Superman-Inspired. No, Superman FLAVORED. It supposedly had a mixture of banana, strawberry and something called Blue Moon, if I recall correctly. (Blue Moon?! What the hell?) But, there it was, right there on the label. Superman flavored.

What’s the deal with that? Did I miss a memo? Did somewhere along the line we, as an ice cream-consuming society, decide to name this triad of tastes after the Man of Steel, kind of like that bland Strawberry-Chocolate-Vanilla concoction that some dyslexic named after a former Emperor of France? If so, then who decided that the Metropolis Marvel would taste like this? Has anyone, aside from Lois Lane or maybe Krypto the Superdog (or perhaps Aquaman in some weird, drunken JLA truth or dare), actually licked the Last Son of Krypton? Wouldn’t one of the world’s preeminent super-heroes taste of something more dynamic, more daring, like Chunky Monkey or something? Does DC Comics know about this? Does Nietzsche?

Superman-flavored ice cream.

That’s just wrong.

May 18 Trivia Rankings

May 18, 2016

Thank you, Quizlings, for coming out to play this week. I think we learned a little about alliteration, where Ron Howard gets down and how little Sparky actually knows about sports. There was also some frozen dairy goodness, so – you’re welcome. Here at Tomato Jake’s, summer’s startin’ early this year.

Now, before the rankings, check out this commercial for an awesome game…

Oops! We Soiled Our Huggies 65
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 65
Facebook Is For Old People 63
Snake In An Effing Tree 62
The Dugong Abides 59
Not On Trump’s Short List To Be VP 58
Berning Man 55
Drink Apple Juice – OJ Will Kill You 54
Oh Lordy, Look Who’s 36 52
#Back off The Bathroom Talk 50
Queen’s Bees 47
Trump: Roy Bean For SCOTUS 46
Scruffy-Looking Nerf-Herders 44
Take Me To Bed Or Lose Me Forever 41
#CarrieOn 39
2 Of Diamonds, Your Order Is Ready 39
We’re In There In The Swimwear 37
Norfolk In Chance 35
Our Casey Is Still Always Late 24

When In Rome…

May 17, 2016

In Roman times, birthdays were celebrated by ritualistic bathing and anointing with spices and scented oils. The birthday celebrant would be wrapped in a garland of holly and oleander and paraded around the town square naked on the back of a beast of burden.

Call me old-fashioned but I’d prefer to just sing “Happy Birthday” than to see my Uncle Mitch in his birthday suit on an ass.

Party Poop

May 16, 2016

I hate this commercial. I hate everyone in it. I hate everyone responsible for it. It’s just so full of bohemian jackholes engaging in such a make-believe, party-24/7 lifestyle that I want to scream, “Get off my lawn!” just on general principle.

Forget about the safety regulations, forget about the laws broken – just how do people even know about this house party on wheels? I mean, if  I see a house being moved down the interstate, my first thought isn’t how can I turn that dwelling into an impromptu rave but I better move to the furthest lane so that monstrosity doesn’t kill me! But these millennials? Nope. They run toward the danger like lemmings diving into a wood chipper. Well, good. Perfect. That gets all the ridiculously cool hipster douchebags together in one place. So … two questions: 1) anyone know where the nearest cliff is and 2) how do I reprogram a Garmin?

Last Chance To Vote!

May 15, 2016

Today is the last day to vote in Best of the Triangle 2016. Polls close at midnight.

My trivia night is a finalist and I would dearly love to win this thing. Why? There’s no money, no perks and very little prestige but I can lord it over all my enemies, so that’s something.

Please go to and find the Best Of The Triangle balloting. Look for the Out & About section and scroll down to Trivia Night In Durham County. Click on Tomato Jake’s Pizzeria and follow the prompts to make your vote counts.

It’ll take a few minutes, tops, but make me very grateful. Also, if I win, I promise to make sure everyone can get The Independent for free!


People I Hate #31 (In A Series)

May 13, 2016

Who: The guy at work with a “Kill Your TV” bumper sticker on his car 

Why I Hate Him: We work at a freakin’ TV STATION!! Besides, I have a general distaste for the type of pretentious d-bag who thinks it’s intellectual to not watch TV and to boast about it to those who do. Sure, a lot of television is crap. But as broadcast pioneer Edward R. Murrow once said, “This instrument can teach, it can illuminate, yes, and even it can inspire; but it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise, it’s nothing but wires and lights in a box.” To consider a tool useless because most people use it as a blunt instrument – and for no other reason than to feel superior – is as unevolved as the amino acids created in the Miller-Urey experiment of 1953. And, FYI, I learned about THAT from television!

How I justify it: I don’t need to. This one’s a gimme. In fact, everyone should hate this bozo. Join me! My hatred is pure, sublime. Come over to the dark side with me..