Archive for January, 2014

The Rain Explained, Humanely Simians Trained

January 30, 2014

Did it rain in Oz? It must have. They had agriculture (thus, a need for scarecrows) and even though some of the flora talked it nonetheless needed the same things plants do here – sunlight, oxygen and water. Okay, so if it rains in Oz then the Wicked Witch of the West can’t go outside when it rains. Basic premise, given, and that’s probably why she has all those trained flying monkeys. “Fly, my monkeys, and go down to the corner shop and pick up some malt liquor, a Soap Opera Digest and a lotto scratch off!” So, buying into the fact that it rains, she can’t go out, she sends the monkeys, I’m just going out on a limb here when I say that castle must have really reeked during the rainy season what with the musty smell of wet monkey permeating the upholstery.

Here’s hoping the Wizard had the Febreeze market cornered.

High Five

January 27, 2014

I’ve been seeing these ads for 5 Gum for some time now and I finally have to get something off my chest. Each commercial, like the one below, shows someone stimulating their senses by chewing 5 Gum. The experience is depicted in some bizarre sci fi/X Games mishmash to which I am left to cry, “IT’S ONLY GUM!!!” Seriously, you’re not ingesting LSD or taking the red pill from The Matrix! But the guys at Wrigley make it seems like you pop a piece of their chewtastic, flavorlicious masticatory synthetic rubber and you get catapulted into a super-hyped world of sensory overload. Not buying it, gumlords. You are just hawking Chiclets by another name – you haven’t created an avatar for immersion into another realm – so knock it off already. Honestly, I bet you’re the one that fifth dentist would choose.

Poultry Emotion

January 25, 2014

If you’ve ever been beaten near-senseless with a piñata, a Carvel ice cream cake and an animatronic rat, then I think you’ve approximated an experience I had once at a Chuck E. Cheese’s in Schenectady. Take it from me: Never sass a 200-pound, middle-aged woman in a Helen Henny costume.

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #17

January 23, 2014

I remember a trip to Yosemite back in ’79 when my sister and I were at that angry sibling/annoying sibling stage. We were in the back seat and, about every 30 seconds, she’d slam her fist into my tender arm and shout, “Punch bug!”

“Punch bug!” Bam!

“Punch bug!” Smack!

“Punch bug!” Thwack!

“Punch bug!” Wham!

All the way from Louisville to Peoria. Finally, when I couldn’t take another slug, I screamed, “It doesn’t count when you’re INSIDE a Volkswagen!”

She just giggled like a maniac while Dad pretended not to hear and Mom knocked back another Jack & Coke. Worst roadtrip of my life.

Shhhhhhhh – !

January 21, 2014

So I’m attending a movie Monday afternoon and the guys sitting in the row in front of me are being rude – talking, texting, you know the drill. Generally just ruining the moviegoing experience for die-hard cine-philes like myself. So what did I do? Nothing. I sat there. I bloody well sat there and took it, every word, every distraction, every obnoxious nuisance. Because there was no way in this world or any other that I, being one of the whitest people on the planet, was going to tell three African-American dudes to “Shhhhhhhh!” during a Martin Luther King, Jr. Day matinée of 12 Years A Slave.

Relative Stupidity

January 19, 2014

My cousin Daniella gave me a picture of herself for my twelfth birthday. I was a little creeped out by that, even then. My aunt Shiobhan told me with a giggle that Daniella had a crush on me. Double creeped out by that. Yet when I saw Daniella a few years after college at a family reunion, I was surprised to find that the previously awkward preteen with braces and Coke bottle lens glasses was now a complete and utter hottie. Lemme tell you – the thoughts that went through my mind that day … man, still very much creeped out by those!


January 17, 2014

What the hell is Retsyn? It’s never bothered me until this exact moment. It’s not like I can locate it on the periodic table or anything. (“Ah, yes, Retsyn. One of the noble gases. Here it is between Krypton and Xenon.”) Guarantee you it’s a made up word by the Mad Ave elite. Like Fahrvergnügen. Or Cap’n Crunch. (He’s not  a real captain.)

Screw you, Certs! I’m not falling for it. Sure, my breath stinks like I a dead opossum mated with a piece of limburger in my mouth but I still have my principles!

Train In Vain

January 15, 2014

We’ve missed a heck of an opportunity, folks.  A heck on an opportunity.

I’m talking about this commercial for the 2014 Nissan Rogue.

This is an automobile that is so amazing and edgy that it can DRIVE ON TOP OF TRAINS! Of course, it can’t. Not really. And the commercial even takes a moment to say just that. Look at the bottom of the screen, there’s a warning: Fantasy, do not attempt. Cars can’t jump on trains.” (more…)


January 13, 2014

Five Noises That Frighten Me

Balloons popping

Snakes hissing

Sound of a pump-action shotgun

Unexplained scratches under my bed at night

Nickelback on the radio


Five Odd Reasons To Watch The Winter Olympics

Luge fetish

To root against those bastards from Fiji

Mistaken belief that skeleton uses an actual skeleton

Speed skating pile-ups

Hoping to see a shirtless Putin


Five Other Questionable Places Dennis Rodman Has Visited

A church located in a strip mall

A ferret farm

Spencer’s Gifts (the section in the back)

A Brony convention

A Waffle House with a D sanitation grade


Five Rarely-Used Condiment-Derived Adjectives







Five Signs You’re Having The Devil’s Baby

The baby kicks every time you hear Depeche Mode’s Personal Jesus

Animals react violently in your presence

Your obstetrician begins speaking in tongues

The Satanic coven camped out on your front lawn

Your last name is Kardashian

A Few Good Menu Items

January 11, 2014

Hah ha hah hah ha!  “Moons Over My Hammy®!” Heh heh heh hee hee hee. I just got that. Seriously, I just got the pun. Ho ho ha ha heeeeeeee. Yep, pretty damn clever, Denny’s.

I wouldn’t dream of eating it for fear of trichinosis, but still…