Saw a trailer for the upcoming romantic drama – The Vow – and while I know I’m not the target audience (since I possess one of those pesky Y chromosomes) I still can’t help but call into question a phrase that shot across the screen during this particular Nicholas Sparks-concocted treacle-fest: Inspired By True Events. Seriously. Inspired By True Events. Not “Based On A True Story” or “Based On The Bestselling Novel” or even the egregious “Ripped From The Headlines.” Nope – “Inspired By True Events.” Since I’m sure the studio is following every truth in advertising law the MPAA can muster, I have to ask myself, Just what the hell does this mean? Logically, it means that this thing called The Vow, while barreling forward with the heart wrenching subtlety of an emotional steamroller, is as closely related to the truth as a koala is to Kuala Lampur. If pressed to swear in a court of law on just what “true events” this flick is based I’d guess the filmmakers might say something like, “Uh … well, we heard about this person once who spelled vow in Scrabble.” Of course, by claiming even the most tenuous association with real life this insulin-coma-inducing sentimental slopper is sure to attract the sort of starry-eyed, unrealistic patron that made Twilight a force of nature and gave Celine Dion a career. And while that might not quite rise to the level of war crime I feel it deserves a damn good eye roll at the very least.
Archive for January, 2012
I saw a car the other day outside the dry cleaners. In the rear passenger side window, there was a cardboard sign that read: Batman Supports Mitt Romney. It was obviously scrawled in crayon by some child in a strange attempt to merge two worlds that couldn’t be further apart. But it got me to thinking:
Who would Batman vote for?
Such a vigilante with a “helping the helpless” streak might seem to some to be card-carrying liberal, but I think that his “tough on crime” stance coupled with Bruce Wayne’s millions makes him a natural conservative. But which Batman are we talking about? The square-jawed Bob Kane Batman? The Adam West campy Caped Crusader? Frank Miller’s Dark Knight? Joel Schumacher’s nippled farce?
Maybe Batman would be a Libertarian. Or a Green. Or Tea Partyer.
Who the heck knows? All I can say for sure is that the Darknight Detective could afford a better campaign sign than some corrugated second-grade art class piece of crap.
“If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music… and of aviation.” – Tom Stoppard
And it would have spared us from several really bad dog movies.
Sometimes, I like to go to the all-night Harris Teeter and pick up some of those candy numbers for kids’ birthday cakes. I then go home and make out mathematical problems with them, like 45 x 3 = ?, usually breaking up the ones to form the times and equals signs. If I can solve a problem within a preset time limit, say, ten seconds, I get to eat the entire problem, all the numbers and everything.
I stop when my teeth begin to hurt, I get a sour belly or I pass out from the sugar rush.
I indulged in one of my favorite post-holiday traditions this past week: discount calendars! Yeah, boy, that’s the stuff!
I always make certain to pick up the one calendar that I just must have before the end of the year, but wait until late January or early February to make the rounds and check out how much of a bargain the on-sale calendars have become. I found some 50- percent-off calendars a few weeks back, but thought I’d wait it out and – boy howdy! – I struck paydirt! Calendars for 90% off at Barnes & Noble!!! Woo hoo!
I spent over FIFTY dollars on calendars! And, let me say, there are a LOT of bizarre and unusual ones out there. Some of my favorites were…
Nerdy Guys Who Have the Hots For That Goth Chick on NCIS
The Many Moods of Nixon
Action Figures in Compromsing Positions
The Amish Dirty Joke Punchline-A-Day Calendar (today’s: “Obviously, thee hast churned butter before!”)
Clogged Drains of the Stars
Harry Potter and the Twelve Months of the Year
Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!
Mug Shots of the NFL
Seasonal Allergies of Nobel Laureates
Monkeys Eating Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream
Urinals of the West’s Greatest Truck Stops
Where’s Waldo’s Pudding Cup?
Acne Patterns of Hoboken Teens
Bruises by Chris Brown
The Egg-A-Month Calendar (February: Mmmm, poached!)
366-Things-Bill-Gates-Bought-With-The-Money-He-Saved-By-Being-A- Supercuts-Customer Page-A-Day Calendar
My walls are virually covered with calendars now. Like a sort of cheap wallpaper. All those calendars and I still can’t remember when rent is due or when to mail in my phone bill.
What kind of sado-masochistic lamebrain decided that this was a good idea for birthdays? Yeah, sure. Let’s round up the birthday boy and smack his widdle heinie a few times. And one to grow on, ya mook!
Boy howdy, that’s some sick, twisted, ritualistic crap.
Five Teenage Crushes
Susan Y. from my 7th grade English class
Starfire from the Teen Titans
Five Guilty Pleasures
My weekly mani-pedi
Dance Moms on Lifetime
Bob Evans caramel banana pecan cream stacked and stuffed hotcakes
Kate Beckinsale kicking butt in a skin-tight leather costume
Five Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago
Captain Francesco Schettino
Doug Hutchison & Courtney Stodden
Dr. Conrad Murray
That smoking guy in the Herman Cain ad (okay, technically, still don’t know his name but the shoe fits)
Five Dumb Reasons To Become A Mime
Fortune cookie told you to
You think chicks think mimes are sexy
Had vocal cords surgically removed on a bet
The awesome tax breaks
Shields and Yarnell fetish
Five Things That Would Be Cool If Alec Baldwin Said Them
Move that bus!
A 15% gratuity will be added to parties of six or more.
May I mambo dogface in the banana patch?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, it’s better than yours.
Do the chickens have large talons?
Sparky MacMillan sounds like a coyote in a trash compactor.
“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” – George Bernard Shaw
Oh, great. I’m honorable. Well, I got that to look forward to on my tombstone.
This is going to be cool. Or maybe this will suck more than anything that has ever sucked before. All I can say is if you are a Beavis and Butt-head fan, proceed at your own risk; this could give you nightmares.
Some dude – artist Kevin Kirkpatrick, to be exact – has created lifelike busts of degenerate animated teens, Beavis and Butt-head. And, man, it’s freaky. You see these guys comin’ at you and you move to the other side of the street and call the police, not necessarily in that order. Still, it’s kinda fascinating in a I-can’t-look-away/disfiguring-auto-accident way.
See the Beavis and Butt-head prosthetic models – HERE.
Warning: you may need TP for your bunghole.
Okay, I’m no fan of Newt Gingrich. Honestly, I’m not. Politically, he seems like a weasel to me and, personally, he seems like a jerk. But that’s my opinion, of course. Mine alone (well, I’m sure it’s shared by a few folks out there) and should an election come along where I am forced to cast a ballot in a race between anyone and ole Newtron Dance I will do so armed with that opinion of him. However, I must say for the record that I think we, as a society, cannot – must not – begin down the slippery slope of honestly taking into consideration what a candidate’s ex-wife says about him. Seriously. We cannot go there. Even under the best of circumstances it will not end well.