Archive for January, 2012

True Dud

January 30, 2012

Saw a trailer for the upcoming romantic drama – The Vow – and while I know I’m not the target audience (since I possess one of those pesky Y chromosomes) I still can’t help but call into question a phrase that shot across the screen during this particular Nicholas Sparks-concocted treacle-fest: Inspired By True Events. Seriously. Inspired By True Events. Not “Based On A True Story” or “Based On The Bestselling Novel” or even the egregious “Ripped From The Headlines.” Nope – “Inspired By True Events.” Since I’m sure the studio is following every truth in advertising law the MPAA can muster, I have to ask myself, Just what the hell does this mean? Logically, it means that this thing called The Vow, while barreling forward with the heart wrenching subtlety of an emotional steamroller, is as closely related to the truth as a koala is to Kuala Lampur. If pressed to swear in a court of law on just what “true events” this flick is based I’d guess the filmmakers might say something like, “Uh … well, we heard about this person once who spelled vow in Scrabble.” Of course, by claiming even the most tenuous association with real life this insulin-coma-inducing sentimental slopper is sure to attract the sort of starry-eyed, unrealistic patron that made Twilight a force of nature and gave Celine Dion a career. And while that might not quite rise to the level of war crime I feel it deserves a damn good eye roll at the very least.

Candidates Are A Superstitious, Cowardly Lot

January 29, 2012

I saw a car the other day outside the dry cleaners. In the rear passenger side window, there was a cardboard sign that read: Batman Supports Mitt Romney. It was obviously scrawled in crayon by some child in a strange attempt to merge two worlds that couldn’t be further apart. But it got me to thinking:

Who would Batman vote for?

Such a vigilante with a “helping the helpless” streak might seem to some to be card-carrying liberal, but I think that his “tough on crime” stance coupled with Bruce Wayne’s millions makes him a natural conservative. But which Batman are we talking about? The square-jawed Bob Kane Batman? The Adam West campy Caped Crusader? Frank Miller’s Dark Knight? Joel Schumacher’s nippled farce?

Maybe Batman would be a Libertarian. Or a Green. Or Tea Partyer.

Who the heck knows? All I can say for sure is that the Darknight Detective could afford a better campaign sign than some corrugated second-grade art class piece of crap.

Da Da Da Dum

January 28, 2012

“If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music… and of aviation.” – Tom Stoppard

And it would have spared us from several really bad dog movies.

Roamin’ Numerals

January 27, 2012

Sometimes, I like to go to the all-night Harris Teeter and pick up some of those candy numbers for kids’ birthday cakes.  I then go home and make out mathematical problems with them, like 45 x 3 = ?, usually breaking up the ones to form the times and equals signs.  If I can solve a problem within a preset time limit, say, ten seconds, I get to eat the entire problem, all the numbers and everything.

I stop when my teeth begin to hurt, I get a sour belly or I pass out from the sugar rush.

Time Passages

January 25, 2012

I indulged in one of my favorite post-holiday traditions this past week: discount calendars!  Yeah, boy, that’s the stuff!

I always make certain to pick up the one calendar that I just must have before the end of the year, but wait until late January or early February to make the rounds and check out how much of a bargain the on-sale calendars have become.  I found some 50- percent-off calendars a few weeks back, but thought I’d wait it out and – boy howdy! – I struck paydirt!  Calendars for 90% off at Barnes & Noble!!!  Woo hoo!

I spent over FIFTY dollars on calendars!  And, let me say, there are a LOT of bizarre and unusual ones out there.  Some of my favorites were…

Battered Piñatas

Nerdy Guys Who Have the Hots For That Goth Chick on NCIS

The Many Moods of Nixon

Action Figures in Compromsing Positions

The Amish Dirty Joke Punchline-A-Day Calendar (today’s: “Obviously, thee hast churned butter before!”)

Clogged Drains of the Stars

Harry Potter and the Twelve Months of the Year

Crackers! Crackers! Crackers!

Mug Shots of the NFL

Seasonal Allergies of Nobel Laureates

Monkeys Eating Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

Urinals of the West’s Greatest Truck Stops

Where’s Waldo’s Pudding Cup?

Acne Patterns of Hoboken Teens

Bruises by Chris Brown

The Egg-A-Month Calendar (February: Mmmm, poached!)

366-Things-Bill-Gates-Bought-With-The-Money-He-Saved-By-Being-A- Supercuts-Customer Page-A-Day Calendar

My walls are virually covered with calendars now. Like a sort of cheap wallpaper. All those calendars and I still can’t remember when rent is due or when to mail in my phone bill.

Hands On

January 24, 2012

The spanking.

What kind of sado-masochistic lamebrain decided that this was a good idea for birthdays?  Yeah, sure.  Let’s round up the birthday boy and smack his widdle heinie a few times.  And one to grow on, ya mook!

Boy howdy, that’s some sick, twisted, ritualistic crap.


January 23, 2012

Five Teenage Crushes

Susan Y. from my 7th grade English class

Heather Thomas

Pia Zadora

Starfire from the Teen Titans

Martha Quinn


Five Guilty Pleasures

My weekly mani-pedi

Dance Moms on Lifetime

Ke$ha concerts

Bob Evans caramel banana pecan cream stacked and stuffed hotcakes

Kate Beckinsale kicking butt in a skin-tight leather costume


Five Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago

Captain Francesco Schettino

Jerry Sandusky

Doug Hutchison & Courtney Stodden

Dr. Conrad Murray

That smoking guy in the Herman Cain ad (okay, technically, still don’t know his name but the shoe fits)


Five Dumb Reasons To Become A Mime

Fortune cookie told you to

You think chicks think mimes are sexy

Had vocal cords surgically removed on a bet

The awesome tax breaks

Shields and Yarnell fetish


Five Things That Would Be Cool If Alec Baldwin Said Them

Move that bus!

A 15% gratuity will be added to parties of six or more.

May I mambo dogface in the banana patch?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, it’s better than yours.

Do the chickens have large talons?


Sparky MacMillan sounds like a coyote in a trash compactor.

Error Proof

January 22, 2012

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” – George Bernard Shaw

Oh, great. I’m honorable. Well, I got that to look forward to on my tombstone.

Huh huh. You said, “Bust.”

January 20, 2012

This is going to be cool. Or maybe this will suck more than anything that has ever sucked before. All I can say is if you are a Beavis and Butt-head fan, proceed at your own risk; this could give you nightmares.

Some dude – artist Kevin Kirkpatrick, to be exact – has created lifelike busts of degenerate animated teens, Beavis and Butt-head.  And, man, it’s freaky. You see these guys comin’ at you and you move to the other side of the street and call the police, not necessarily in that order. Still, it’s kinda fascinating in a I-can’t-look-away/disfiguring-auto-accident way.

See the Beavis and Butt-head prosthetic models – HERE.

Warning: you may need TP for your bunghole.

The Newtly Wed Game

January 19, 2012

Okay, I’m no fan of Newt Gingrich. Honestly, I’m not. Politically, he seems like a weasel to me and, personally, he seems like a jerk. But that’s my opinion, of course.  Mine alone (well, I’m sure it’s shared by a few folks out there) and should an election come along where I am forced to cast a ballot in a race between anyone and ole Newtron Dance I will do so armed with that opinion of him. However, I must say for the record that I think we, as a society, cannot – must not – begin down the slippery slope of honestly taking into consideration what a candidate’s ex-wife says about him. Seriously. We cannot go there. Even under the best of circumstances it will not end well.