Archive for March, 2010

Leave Of His Census

March 31, 2010

Today is Christopher Walken’s birthday and although I love his Annie Hall scene, I thought it more appropriate to celebrate with this timely SNL census skit…

We’ll Do It Live!

March 30, 2010

What is it about a live concert experience that makes some people want to scream at the top of their lungs? Seriously.  I find it difficult to believe that the musical talent onstage actually finds this helpful in any way.  Nonetheless, every concert, every event, every time, some drunken redneck feels the need to let loose a rebel yell like the original Skynyrd had just risen from the dead and picked out the opening chords to Sweet Home Alabama.  Hey, mullet head!  Shut up and stop ruining every live album ever recorded!  You’re not leading Pickett’s Charge up Cemetery Ridge, okay?  Applaud and dance and, heck, even shout the ubiquitous Freebird every now and again (that’s your birthright as a Southerner) but that ear-piercing shriek you wanna lob at the rest of us like a vocal dagger to the eardrum?  Hell, that sucker can stay lodged half-choked in the back of your throat, alright?

Idleness

March 29, 2010

Today is Eric Idle’s birthday! What better way to celebrate than a little song, a little dance and The Galaxy Song from The Meaning of Life

Dream Loather

March 28, 2010

I had a dream last night where I was taking a class and I wasn’t prepared.  Yeah, still have those.  I’m guesing I’ll still have ’em when I’m 80!  Anyway, I showed up and the professor says that everyone has to pick an oral report topic.  Well, in the dream, I’ve missed some classes and I’m behind, so I don’t know what topic to pick or what the format is or anything.  It appears to be a Roman history class and the reports are generally on the dry side, so I figure, hey, I’m a performer, I’ll do some dramatic reading or comedy piece, maybe Julius Caesar as Frank Sinatra or something, and the class’ll be so impressed that I didn’t just stand up and read my damn paper that I’ll ace it! 

And then Hugh Jackman gets up.  Yes, Hugh bloody Jackman.  He’s in my class (in my dream) and he gives his oral report as this singing, dancing, Broadway showcase of his incredible talents.  It’s The Life of Julius Caesar as interpreted by the mullti-talented Wolverine himself and it is amazing.  He even has Halle Berry and Famke Janssen do walk on cameos at the end to help him out.  And the class and the professor go absolutely wild.  A standing ovation for Jackman.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting there, mouth agape, saying to myself, “Dammit! Now everyone will think I copied Hugh Jackman!”

Yeah, I know it was just a dream but I’m pissed off.  Hugh bloody Jackman.  Never had a problem with the guy until now.  Freakin’ showoff.  Makes me wanna take Kate & Leopold outta my Netflix queue.

Bassomatic

March 26, 2010

Love this: What if Saul Bass created the openings for LOST and Tron?

You’ll either get it or not. I hope the former. Enjoy!

Judge Not

March 26, 2010

There’s some woman who’s running for office locally and – well, she’s run for office before.  Know how I know this?  She’s recycled her campaign signs.  Drive around Duhram, North Carolina and you may see one of the signs, too.  It’s got her name (I won’t embarrass her or give her any free publicity by mentioning it) on the sign and then beneath it “For District…” and next to that someone has glued a piece of paper with the word Judge on it over whatever was there before (Attorney, I’m guessing). 

I’d just be curious to find out the thought processes of someone who wants my vote for a respected elected office like District Judge yet campaigns with placards that are about as professional and appealing as The People scrawled in crayon between We and In order to form a more perfect union on the Preamble to the US Constitution.  I mean, you see something like this and you have to think Judge Judy has more jurisprudential sense than this woman does.

Justin Case

March 25, 2010

I’ve always tried to stay on top of pop culture.  I watch TV, read the entertainment rags and listen to the latest insider gossip.  Because of my years in improv comedy and writing this blog and its predecessor, I’ve gone out of my way to make sure I know what’s what and who’s who and where it’s all happening.

That being said – I think I’ve finally reached the point in my life where I can say, “I neither know nor care who or what the hell a Justin Bieber is.”  Really.  He, she or it just has absolutely no effect on my life.  And it’s extremely freeing in its own way.

Now if I could only dismiss the Kardashians with the same ease.

‘Night, Mare

March 24, 2010

Here’s a tip: Never fall for the old vet school trick that a horse’s birthdate is tattooed on the anus because once you lift that tail – BAM! – you’re kicked in the head and you wake up two days later in the infirmary with no sense of smell and the serial number of some filly’s shoe imprinted backward on your forehead.

I’ve never been able to watch Mr. Ed since.

The John Locke Foundation

March 22, 2010

I know we’re all gonna have disparate opinions on most things. People are different, I get that. Tomato, toe-mah-tow, yep, that’s a basic tenet of life. One man’s chocolate is another’s vanilla, hey, granted. I honestly, truly, implicitly understand that there are different sides to the same story and people think differently and not everyone believes the same thing I do and – I get it, okay, let’s stop belaboring the point!

But can we at least all come together on one thing and each and every one of us acknowledge that it is our solemn duty to – as members of a shared society – lock the damn bathroom door when you’re in there?!

It’ll just avoid a lot of needless embarrassment is all I’m sayin’.

Dig It

March 21, 2010

Do moles have birthdays? And I’m not talking about those weird skin blemishy things – ewwww, no, I mean the burrowing insectivores that mess up your lawn. Those moles. Because, seriously, why would I ask about those nasty pre-cancerous protuberances having a birthday? Honestly.  That’s just stupid.