Archive for April, 2007

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, Life Goes On

April 30, 2007

There’s a commercial for Hanes All-Over Comfort Bra featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt that’s been getting some airplay recently.  The actress is depicted in various modeling situations but consistently finds herself vexed by her regular, uncomfortable bra.  But then, of course, she tries on the Hanes All-Over Comfort Bra (With Comfort Straps) and life is glorious!  Birds sing again, flowers bloom and the sky is filled with sugar rainbows.  Not really, but by showing Ms. Hewitt’s exhilaration at her new brassiere, the ad presents this product in a positive light.

Now please understand – I am not the target audience for this commercial.  I’m not a woman, I’ve never worn a bra (except for that one time at camp) and I’m not buying lingerie for anyone anytime soon.  But every time I see this ad, I keep thinking that if I were the type of person in need of bosom support, I would totally trust any product Jennifer Love Hewitt endorsed.  I mean, if she says a bra works, it bloody well works! 

Heck, if you’ve got a fabric that can contain those puppies, you ought to make the freakin’ space shuttle out of it!

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Czar Bright

April 29, 2007

I heard Bush was looking for a War Czar but that no one was man enough for the challenge.  Well, may I suggest…

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King Leonidas.  He’s perfect!  Manly, brave, a born leader.  And he looks awesome in a loincloth!

Plus, for Bush’s purposes, he’s used to devastating casualties – and he’s no stranger to lost causes.

Lines, Lines, Everywhere Lines

April 27, 2007

PREMIERE Magazine has ranked the 100 Greatest Movie Lines.  Some are great, others not so.  Nonetheless it’s a fun ride.  Enjoy!

THE HOT TEN

April 27, 2007

What’s on my mind?  What have I been watching?  What have I been doing?  What have I been talking about?  The Hot Ten will bring you up to speed. 

JACK VALENTI DIES AT 85.  Sadly, the DVD of his funeral is already available in China.   

ALEC BALDWIN RANT.  There’s no such thing as bad publicity.  Unless you call your kid a “little pig” and your bitter ex-wife leaks it to the press. 

GIRLS GONE WILD FOUNDER GOES TO JAIL.  Only for 35 days.  So there is justice … but no God. 

WEIGHTLESS HAWKING.  The astrophysicist fulfilled his dream of experiencing weightlessness aboard a modified jet 24,000 feet over the Atlantic Ocean.  His dream of being the next Savion Glover – eh, not so much. 

HOGS EAT TAINTED PET FOOD.  Possibly placing the food supply of humans at risk.  As one, vegetarians of the world scream, “Suck it, carnivores!”  

KRYPTONITE FOUND.  Scientists have unearthed a mineral in Serbia that shares the same chemical composition as the fictional element Kryptonite.  If Gene Hackman starts talking about “beachfront property,” I’m outta here. 

AMBASSADOR CLINTON?  Hillary says that if she becomes President then she will make Bill a roaming ambassador to the world.  In other words: “Pack your bags, tubby! I’m the Big Dog on this porch!” 

FOX CANCELS DRIVE.  Of course they did.  It was fun, exciting, well done.  And yet they keep cranking out the television gold that is Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy and Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? like it’s Chex Mix at a holiday party.  

ATTORNEY GENERAL GONZALES.  He’s been hauled up before Congress.  He admits he made mistakes. Even McCain says he has to go.  But Bush?  “Heckuva job, Gonzo!” 

ROSIE QUITS THE VIEW.  She will return to Florida where she can frolic in the warm, shallow, coastal estuarine waters with others of her kind.  Of course, she’ll have to be wary of motorboats!

NO RULES, JUST REICH

April 25, 2007

If you didn’t know that last Friday was Hitler’s birthday, then you obviously aren’t a history major.

If you didn’t know that the best way to celebrate Hitler’s birthday is to strip naked and tape a swastika to your body, then you obviously aren’t crazy eight bonkers!

A guy in British Columbia thought it might be a good idea to commemorate the occasion with a little nude Nazi revelry.  He has been detained and will undergo a psychiatric assessment.

The worst part of it all?  He kept giving the Seig Heil salute.  Without using his arms.

Just Like Home

April 25, 2007

Scientists report that a planet has been discovered outside our solar system that may be potentially Earth-like in habitability.  It has moderate temperatures, the possibility of liquid water and is just the right size to bear the type of life we have here on our home world.

Which is awesome.  Because now we have a place to put the people who get voted off reality shows. 

And the people who win reality shows. 

And the people who watch reality shows… 

Night Cap

April 24, 2007

Had trouble with insomnia last week so I went to the doctor and she prescribed me some of that Lunesta.  Now I can’t fall asleep at all because I’m too freaked out that big radioactive butterfly is gonna come into my room and suck the breath out of me while I sleep! 

Thanks a bunch, pharmaceutical ads!

I am your (comic) fodder!

April 23, 2007

Look to the skies!  Could that possibly be Darth Vader hovering over your home?

Perhaps.  Because some geek has made his own Darth Vader hot air balloon.

While I appreciate the commitment to dorkdom, wouldn’t it have been cheaper to just have somebody skywrite “I am a virgin” over his home? 

Make Mine Marvel!

April 23, 2007

Cool contest going on over at Marvel.  Fill out this online form and you can enter the BE IN A MARVEL MOVIE SWEEPSTAKES!  You can fanboy imagine all you want but it’s doubtful you’ll actually get to stand next to Tobey Maguire or kiss Jessica Alba or anything.  If you win, you’ll probably be in a crowd scene with a hundred extras and the closest you’ll ever get to a star is seeing the back of Hugh Jackman’s stand-in’s head from about 100 yards.

Nonetheless, cool contest. (And, yes, I’ve entered.)

Extreme Rageover

April 23, 2007

Arrgh! Can I just once – JUST ONCE! – turn on my television and not see the smirking mug of Ty Pennington? It’s like I’m a bull and he’s a big, red flag. A big, red, dumb, smug flag that I just want to hurt so bloody much. Gouging out his eyes … and … just kicking his … fists slamming … rendering pain … sucker punch … corkscrew in the … DAMN AND BLAST!! He just makes me so ANGRY I can spit!!! Why? Why?! WHY?!!!! Why do I hate him so?

Maybe it’s because he’s a dillweed and he deserves fame and success as much as I deserved that root canal last year.

BUT I’M NOT BITTER!