Archive for February, 2008

Cat Man Do!

February 29, 2008

If I’ve established one thing here at The Flehmen Response, I think it’s this: the comic strip Garfield isn’t funny.

Oh sure, when you take it and do funky stuff with it – such as randomly mixing up the panels or acting out entire strips (with bonus music video) – it becomes hilarious, but as is, printed in the daily funnies, it’s just sucky and lame.

Well here’s a new way to get your feline on: GARFIELD WITHOUT GARFIELD!  Sound intriguing?  It is.  A Garfield strip without the lead character becomes less an ode to a lasagna-snarfing kitty and more a bizarre look at a wackjob named Jon.

Click HERE to check out Garfield Without Garfield

Still no way to make Beetle Bailey funny though.

                                      Without a doubt, Sparky MacMillan is the most sophisticated piece of technology you will ever pee on.

Tube Boob

February 28, 2008

Often I am left bewildered by human action. The bias, the insanity, the self-delusion. I see tribes at war, individuals killing strangers and merciless pain and suffering. I try to comprehend but mostly come up short.

But now I am totally without understanding as I have read the following: ABC in talks for more “Jim”

That’s right.  The ABC Television Network is thinking about bringing back According to Jim for an eighth season. That’s longer than Max Headroom, The Fall Guy, Bosom Buddiesthirtysomething, Moonlighting and even Taxi had. That’s twice as long as Soap was on the air.  That’s longer than the runs of Cupid, Homefront, Police Squad, Moon Over Miami, Sledge Hammer! and Twin Peaks combined!

I – I think this is a sign of the End Times perhaps.  Wasn’t this written about in Revelations or the Necronomicon or something?  At the very least, doesn’t this mean that television as a whole has completely jumped the bloody shark?

Essen Hell

February 27, 2008

If it’s the kind of thing you care about, you can vote for your favorite Saturday Night Live performer HERE.  It’s more like a NCAA brackets thing than a straight out electoral college vote, but if you can decide who was better on SNL – John Belushi or Jon Lovitz – then you can cast a ballot.

(And the answer is Belushi by the way.)

I’d Like To Yank The Academy

February 25, 2008

Something I heard during last night’s Oscar presentation:

During his acceptance speech, No Country For Old Men producer Scott Rudin said, “This is an unbelievable honor and a – a complete surprise.”

I know that speeches often contain hyperbole but I seriously doubt the award came as “a complete surprise” to Rudin.  Maybe if he hadn’t been nominated and then he’d won he could claim it came as “a complete surprise.”

Anything short of that and he’s a LIAR.  Hell, I bet you could toast marshmallows on his pants.

Sparky MacMillan has been bleeding internally for years.

Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!

February 22, 2008

In prep for Hollywood’s big night, check out the DISPLAY POSTERS for all of the previous Oscar winners!  It’s a grand tour of Tinseltown’s greatest throughout the years, some greater than others. 

Oh, and check out these 80 Academy Award Facts in celebration of 80 years of Oscar!

People I Hate #13 (In A Series)

February 21, 2008

Who: Bil Keane, creator of The Family Circus

Why I Hate Him: He is the antichrist.  There’s no other explanation for the hell he hath wrought upon this earth.

How I justify it: When anyone asks who could possibly hate such a benign cartoonist, I just shrug and say “Ida Know.”

Bring ‘Em Back Alive!

February 19, 2008

A Boston TV critic laments 14 SHOWS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAVED FORM CANCELLATION.  And I have to agree.  Primarily because I watched TEN of them!

Truckin’

February 19, 2008

Possibly the best truck ad ever.

The Oval Offal

February 18, 2008

So, it’s President’s Day. Or is that Presidents Day? (Or Presidents’ Day?) Don’t know, don’t care.

But what should we care about when it comes to our Commander in Chief? There have been 42 of the guys (no, I’m not miscounting; I’m in denial) but most languish in obscurity and those we do know have so many myths and lies surrounding their legacy that it’s hard to separate the truth from the fiction.

That’s why we here at THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE thought it a perfect opportunity to look back and reflect on those men who held the highest office in our land. What should you, as an American citizen, know about them? The important, salient points? The stuff Ken Jennings knows? Easy. Here it is, the four-one-one on the men who wouldn’t be king.

George Washington. First president. Wooden teeth. Chopped down a cherry tree. Once did it with Betsy Ross on an early version of Old Glory.

John Adams. Federalist. First President to occupy the White House. Had a fetish for powdered wigs.

Thomas Jefferson. Wrote the Declaration of Independence. Acquired the Louisiana Territory from Napoleon. Dispatched Lewis and Clark. Had himself a little Jungle Fever.

James Madison. Started the War of 1812 so that Johnny Horton could have a career in 1959.

James Monroe. Remembered for the Missouri Compromise, which admitted Missouri to the Union as a slave state, pairing it with Maine, a free state, and barring slavery north and west of Missouri forever. Oh, and he was remembered for the Monroe Doctrine, which states – um, never mind, just remember him for the Missouri Compromise.

John Quincy Adams. Son of the second President. People called him “Old Man Eloquent.” Lived on a boat and solved crimes as a medical examiner.

Andrew Jackson. Elected by popular vote. Called “Old Hickory.” But not to his face.

Martin Van Buren. A veritable dwarf of a man, he was known as “The Little Magician.” Mainly because he would often offer to pull a “rabbit” out of his “hat” at cabinet meetings.

William Henry Harrison. Died of pneumonia a month after taking office. Due to his taciturn nature, no one noticed until he was up for reelection nearly three years later.

John Tyler. Best known for the slogan “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too” due to his inability to adeptly steer water craft.

James K. Polk. A virtual unknown, he favored Manifest Destiny. And frequented a bar called “Man-Eyefest Destiny.”

Zachary Taylor. Known as “Old Rough and Ready,” a name given to him by many DC madams.

Millard Fillmore. The only President to never have any child named after him for fear they’d get their butts kicked at recess.

Franklin Pierce. The non-technical term for a Prince Albert.

James Buchanan. The only President who never married. The Paul Lynde of his time.

Abraham Lincoln. Freed the slaves. Assassinated at a play by John Wilkes Booth. Invented the Lincoln Log. And the luxury automobile.

Andrew Johnson. Started Reconstruction. Impeached for something non-sexual. (How quaint.)

Ulysses S. Grant. A notorious drunkard. Middle name was, surprisingly, Susan.

Rutherford B. Hayes. Um… uh … er … heh … huh … hmmm. His last name was one syllable?

James Garfield. He hated Mondays.

Chester A. Arthur. Signed the Tariff Act of 1883. Yeah, a real party animal.

Grover Cleveland. Could explain the difference between contrasting concepts extremely well, like near and far. Was a terrible waiter. Was furry and blue and had super powers.

Benjamin Harrison. Democrats called him “Little Ben.” And he would often tell them they could bite his “Little Ben.”

Grover Cleveland. Oops, he did it again.

William McKinley. Shot twice by a deranged anarchist while climbing the mountain that still bears his name.

Theodore Roosevelt. The youngest President. He was 12. Like Doogie Howser.

William Howard Taft. Fat. Fat fat fat fat fat. Fatty McFat fat. The dude was HUGE!

Woodrow Wilson. Entered the US into World War I. Created the League of Nations. Cracked up whenever he said his own name.

Warren G. Harding. Plagued by scandals. And psoriasis.

Calvin Coolidge. “Silent Cal.” Never spoke a word. Like Harpo Marx.

Herbert Hoover. Built a dam and patented the vacuum cleaner.

Franklin D. Roosevelt. President for most of the 20th Century. Saw the US through the Great Depression, WWII, the Grapes of Wrath and Betty Grable. Feared fear.

Harry S. Truman. Created the Truman Doctrine and the Marshall Plan and the United Nations and the Atomic Bomb and the Korean War.

Dwight D. Eisenhower. Likeable.

John F. Kennedy. Had back problems. Had the Bay of Pigs. Had Marilyn Monroe. He also claimed to be a jelly-filled doughnut.

Lyndon Baines Johnson. Responsible for the Great Society. And the Vietnam War. So it’s pretty much a wash.

Richard E. Nixon. He WAS a crook.

Gerald R. Ford. Played by Chevy Chase, Ford was the only President not to be elected. And to be defeated by a peanut farmer from Georgia. Which, admittedly, is not something you live down easily.

Jimmy Carter. Saw a UFO. Attacked by a rabbit. Had lust in his heart. My kind of guy.

Ronald Reagan. Single-handedly ended Communism and tore down the Berlin Wall brick by brick by himself. Thanks to the efforts of his wife, drug abuse is now a thing of the past. His is the fifth face on Mount Rushmore. Every major airport and road and city is named after him. He was a god among men. Everyone loves him.

George Bush. Threw up at the drop of a hat. Usually on world leaders.

Bill Clinton. An English major, his persnickety dedication to the proper usage of words and their correct definition proved to be his defining moment. Oh, that and the sax.

Well, that’s it. All the Presidents. (Yes, I said ALL. Shut up. Don’t make a federal case out of it or nothin’.) All the information you’ll ever really need to know about them.

Happy President(s s’ ‘s) Day!

Happy Presidents’ Day!

February 18, 2008