You may say to yourself, “Gee, someone sure has way too much time on their hands.” But, when all’s said and done, you should probably just be saying, “Awesome!” Because some things are just cool under any circumstances.
Archive for December, 2009
5 Women I’d Marry Immediately If They Asked
5 Sandwiches That I’ve Eaten
Peanut Butter & Pickle
5 “Jeopardy” Categories We’ll Never See
Animals that Should Be President
It Tastes As Bad As It Smells
Foods Lodged In Uncomfortable Places
Sounds Like A Sasquatch Mating
Trebek Can Suck It!
5 Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago
5 Movies I’m Embarrassed To Admit I Paid Full Price To See
My Boss’s Daughter (2003)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
Look Who’s Talking (1990)
Kangaroo Jack (2003)
If you’re not inundated with those “Best Of” lists yet, then you will be by the end of the week. Best of the Year! Best of the Decade! Seems like every journalist and blogger wants in on the opinion action. So, why should I be left out? And why should I stop at a mere 12 months or ten years? No reason, I say.
That’s why I’ve come up with THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE BEST OF THE MILLENIUM LIST! (Hey, it’s only a few years overdue, so why quibble with a 1% tardiness factor?) What’s the category, you ask? There is none! This is the BEST OF THE MILLENIUM! All things, all people, all ideas.
10. The Magna Carta
9. Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
8. Sea Monkeys
7. Bubble Wrap
6. Rita Hayworth
5. Space Invaders
4. Guttenberg (Steve, not Johann)
3. Eggo Waffles
2. The Discovery of Penicillin
1. Tie: Shakespeare’s Hamlet and
Russ Meyer’s 1965 Film Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
Scared of Santa? So last year. Now, it’s time to feast on a foray into the world of SKETCHY SANTAS! Yeah, when your local department store decides it’s okay to hire the first homeless drifter who shows up with a beard, you know they aren’t looking for an authentic Claus but merely settling for the first warm body that will work for minimum wage without freaking out every time a freaked-out toddler pees on him. Sometimes they’re fake, sometimes they’re creepy, sometimes they just smile waaay too much. But Santa be sketchin’.
S’been a busy holiday season for me – trivia, giftwrapping, work – so please allow me to keep you occupied with some Yuletide favorites from years past:
Now, if you’ll excuse me – I have to go and hide the glass pickle. (And, no, that’s not slang for something nasty. It should be, but it’s not.)
Chicken. Techno. Dance. I think it’s German, which could explain a lot.
The decade’s swansong continues with more lists. Read ’em and weep. Seriously, you’ll cry yourself to sleep. I sure as hell did.
THE 30 FREAKIEST COMMERCIALS OF 2009. And not good freaky, like the kind you don’t take home to mother. Real freaky.
THE WORST MISTAKES OF THE DECADE. Like maybe watching those freaky commercials. Can’t get that ghost kid outta my mind.
THE WORST IDEAS OF THE DECADE. Nope. Still thinking of that super-freaky ghost kid.
It is with sad regret that I must report on the passing of a beloved holiday icon.
Dr. Seuss’ Grinch, the one-time Christmas stealer, was found dead in his mountain home near Whoville early last Saturday. The coroner’s report attributed his death to an enlarged heart.
Whoville M.E., Quincy Q. Who, noted that some physiological change had apparently occurred within the last twenty-four hours causing the Grinch’s heart to grow as much as three times its normal size. “Normally, a Grinch’s heart is a very small muscle; one could say an empty hole. Their cardiovascular systems are not very well developed.”
The catalyst that supposedly caused this heart malfunction remains unknown, although sources report that, sometime before his death, the Grinch consumed a large quantity of Whovian Roast Beast, causing his cholesterol levels to rise to an enormous rate.
The Grinch is survived by an unnamed dog and Cindy Loo, his common law wife.
I do like this faux interrogation of Father Christmas by 24‘s Jack Bauer. Although rather poorly edited, it does tickle the funny bone and brings up rarely voiced questions about St. Nick in a post-9/11 age. Airspace violations, smuggling across borders, carrying contraband, workplace violations, lack of ID … anyone who insists that we let this guy off the hook just because he’s “Santa” is fooling themselves. He’s gotta be on Homeland Security’s watch list!
Dear [insert child’s name here]:
Thank you for you recent correspondence. Unfortunately, Santa cannot answer all of the millions and billions of letters he receives each year as he is busy in his workshop getting ready for Christmas. We hope that the following will answer any and all questions you might have about Mr. Claus.
(And please visit us online at www.2claus2call.com to order from our vast merchandise catalogue.)
*Who Is Santa Claus?*
Santa is a jolly fat man who delivers presents to all the good little boys and girls around the world. He is the living embodiment of the Yuletide season, the spirit of Christmas given human form.
*Does he have any other names?*
Santa is known by many names throughout the globe, including Criscringle, Father Christmas, Father Frost, Joulupukki, Kris Kringle, PPre Noël, Sabdiklos, Saint Nicolas, Sancte Claus, Sinter Klaas and Weinachtsmann. His AOL screen name is YuleLog. His CB handle is Chubby Hubby.
*Does he live at the North Pole?*
Of course not. The North Pole is really the end of the earth’s geographic axis, located at 90 North latitude, the northernmost point from which all meridians of longitude start. It lies in the Arctic Ocean and is covered with drifting pack ice, making settlement by Santa or anyone else highly unlikely. (This is not to be confused with the magnetic North Pole, which in 1993 lay at about 78 27’N, 104 24’W, or with the geomagnetic North Pole, which is at about 79 13’N, 71 16’W. Huge killer frost bees live at these locations, making human occupation difficult.)
*Do elves make Santa’s toys?*
Santa no longer uses elves as his primary labor, due to the Pixie/Sprite/Elf/Brownie Emancipation Act of 1973 (UN General Statute 87292). Most of Santa’s labor is now farmed out to third world countries and unregistered sweatshops.
*What does Santa do when it’s not Christmas?*
Primarily, he catches up on his stories. However, Santa has been known to dabble in origami and cross-stitch, hang out in “Grey’s Anatomy” chat rooms and write “Hannah Montana” fan fiction.
*Does Santa Claus have eight tiny reindeer like the everyone says?*
*Do they pull his sleigh on Christmas Eve?*
*And do they actually fly?*
*So that means Rudolph is real, right?*
“Rudolph?” No, what are you on crack?!
*How does Santa know whether I’ve been naughty or nice?*
Santa has an extensive network of spies, moles and snitches. He also uses a special infrared device which can see body heat through walls.
*Is there a Mrs. Claus?*
No. There is not a Mrs. Claus. There is a Trent, however. He and Santa are very close companions and have been for a very long time.
*Does Santa have any super powers?*
Santa can eat enormous quantities of ice cream without being sick. And he can talk to fish.
*How does Santa Claus fly around the world and deliver presents to all the children on Earth in one single night?*
He uses the HOV lane.
*Why are there so many different Santas every Christmas at department stores and on street corners?*
These men are not Santa but Santa’s helpers. Thanks to a liberal licensing agreement and successful franchising, virtually anyone can get a piece of the S. Claus action and dress up as him at Christmas.
*So, when I sit on that guy’s lap at Sears and tell him what I want, it’s all for nothing?*
Not as far as “that guy” is concerned.
*Does Santa like the milk and cookies I leave for him every year?*
Yes, thank you. Santa always appreciates the kindness of children when they leave snacks for him to consume during his busy rounds. However, just for future reference, as much as Santa likes the cookies, the brownies, the milk and all the sweets, he would really prefer something a bit more adult – and substantial. Like Zima and veal.
*Why didn’t I get what I wanted for Christmas last year?*
You did. Santa delivered exactly what you wanted. Your parents, on the other hand, switched presents and that’s why you ended up with what you did. Always blame your parents. Never blame Santa.
*What’s Santa’s favorite color?*
Um… red? No, no, wait, it’s blue. A sort of sky blue. Azure. Yeah, azure.
*How can Santa be killed?*
Silver or a wooden stake through the heart.
*Is Santa available for personal appearances?*
Yes. Contact Santa’s agent at S. Claus
c/o Nick of Time Enterprises
3475 Buena Vista Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA
Thank you for your interest in Santa Claus. Please do not attempt to contact us at this address again. We have lawyers and we will make your life a miserable hell.