Posts Tagged ‘Children’

Claw Your Way To The Bottom

February 10, 2018

It’s happened again. Another kid got stuck in a claw machine.

I think it was Florida or thereabouts but it doesn’t matter if this was Mars because it’s one more time than it ever should have happened. Same applies to last time. And the time before and the time before and – well, you get the idea. In fact any time after the very first time is one too many. I mean, I’ll give you one. One time. Just so we can have something to talk about and recollect. “Hey, ‘member that kid that got stuck in that claw machine that one time?” “Yeah, that was sick, yo!” Now it’s all, “Daaaamn. Another kid got stuck in a freakin’ claw machine. Are these dudes messed up or what?!”

It really is getting to the point that we need to react not with amusement or scorn but with the cold discipline of logic. So once a child crawls into a claw machine we seal up the claw machine (as we systematically spay and neuter the parents) and ship it off to a special island or facility where the child can be adopted by people who can instill a modicum of common sense. Once there, we can raise all the claw machine children as a special army or workforce or volunteer corps or whatever the hell society needs most – and, before you protest with cries of slavery or injustice amid the throes of whatever liberal guilt or political correctness that grips you, just understand that whatever fate befalls these claw machine moppets it will be a damn sight better than anything that awaits them as children of parents who ALLOW THEIR DAMN KIDS TO CRAWL INTO CLAW MACHINES!

Seriously. Let’s just stop this crap before social services gets involved.



September 10, 2017

Five Signs You’re Addicted To Pokémon

When ordering at the drive thru, you say things like “Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I choose you!”

Your Squirtle-shaped swimming pool

Your résumé lists Team Rocket as a reference

The Pikachu tattoo on your ass

Number of Pokémon tournaments you’ve entered – 65 / Number of dates you’ve had – 0


Five Reasons To Have Kids

Someone to look after you in your dotage

Irreponsable about birth control

Cheap labor

Need an excuse to drive a mini-van

To sit next to non-breeders in restaurants and annoy the hell out of them


Five Nicknames for Your Hand

High-Five Fanatic

The Glove Stuffer


Clap Happy

The Back-up Girlfriend


Five Hanna-Barbera Characters I Think Are Jerkwads

Precious Pupp

Yankee Doodle Pigeon

The Great Gazoo

Ranger Smith



Five Deadly Snack Crackers

Goldfission Bomb


The Nekotomicon


Ginger Snaps-Your-Neck-Without-A-Second-Thought

If Life Gives You Lemons…

July 14, 2017

It’s happened again.


Every summer there’s at least one story about some kid somewhere in these United States of America who sets up a lemonade stand and runs afoul of “the man.” You know, some bureaucrat who wants to rain on some poor snowflake’s free trade parade by citing laws and ordinances and zoning and sanitation and crap. Bad, bad Big Brother and its rush to squash the hopes of some moppet with grand plans and a pitcher of sour, lemony goodness in a front yard or at the end of a cul-de-sac. Let wee Susie sell her delicious refreshment, the public cries! Leave little Larry alone and allow him to learn the free enterprise system in a wholesome and innocent way!

Of course it’s all utter shite. (more…)

No … No … Just, No

March 8, 2017

Mexican theater chain Cinépolis revealed plans to put a children’s playground in movie theaters.


Now I can’t be absolutely sure but, if I remember my cinema correctly, making movie houses more kid-friendly was one of the seven signs in that Demi Moore film, wasn’t it?

Help Less

July 14, 2015

I keep seeing this commercial for some organization out to help third world children. They’re not breaking any new molds; the doom and gloom pleas of “only YOU can help” have been around since Sally Struthers first peeled an onion. But they always irk me for their basic disingenuity. For instance, in the ad I keep seeing, there’s some kid from Paraguay named Jose (the name and the country have been changed to protect the innocent, but primarily because I don’t remember them exactly) who’s getting water from a puddle that looks like it was defecated in by fraternity pledges with the type of stomach virus that makes Legionnaires Disease look like sour belly. The announcer plaintively intones, “Who will help Jose?” And all I can do is scream at the screen, “How about the damn cameraman?! HE’S RIGHT THERE!!!”

Basket Case

May 24, 2015

I was at Harris Teeter the other evening, doing a bit of late night shopping, and I noticed a line of those electronic buggies by the entrance – you know the ones that you can ride around on when the staff’s not looking.  Well, there’s this great big sign on the front on the basket that reads: No children in basket. So I looked and I looked and, yep, sure enough – there were no children in the basket. Why the heck they needed to put a sign on it stating the bleedin’ obvious I’ll never know!

If Wishes Were Hippies

January 18, 2015

There was a time when everything was groovy and people thought it was a nifty idea to encourage kids to grow up to be redwood trees. Many people were high and most of them were full of themselves and lava lamps and love beads and waterbeds were used without irony in this magical time. This was the 1970s, an era that gave us the SuperFriends and H. R. Pufnstuf and Hong Kong Phooey and stream of consciousness fare like this – Make A Wish. Seriously, this was a show for children. And it was wonderful!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

May 8, 2014

I think that if you have a kid under the age of, say, ten and you let him run around with a rattail haircut then that’s pretty much tantamount to child abuse. Okay, so it’s not as bad as child abuse but I think it’s grounds for child protective services to intervene and cut the kid’s hair. At least get the sprog some some fashion advice so he doesn’t grow up to be a complete tool.