Archive for February, 2016


February 29, 2016

Five Overrated Things

The Voice

Girl Scout Cookies





Five Breakfast Cereal Mascot Fears

Fear of scurvy – Cap’n Crunch

Fear that Snap will kill him in his sleep – Pop

Fear of being institutionalized – Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

Fear of Irish stereotypes – Lucky the Leprechaun

Fear of dentist Walter Palmer – Tony the Tiger


Five Game Shows In Hell

The Price Is Right Up Your Colon

Name That Festering Mass

Squeal Or No Squeal

Who Wants To Be Chamillionaire?

Cash Cab


Five Rejected Care Bears

Sleazytime Bear

Inoperable Bear

Big Hairy Bear

Exeunt Pursued By Bear

Shhh! Our Little Secret Bear


Five Ways The World Would Be Different If Pop-Tarts Were Legal Tender

Kellogg’s would be the new US Mint

Banks would smell awesome

“Crazy Good” replaces “In God We Trust”

Anyone caught with Toaster Strudel would be jailed for counterfeiting

I would be broke because I’d eat my entire savings account

February 24 Trivia Rankings

February 24, 2016

Was it the weather or the game? Either way, a diminished batch of Quizlings came out to play Wednesday night. Yet only one team went home victorious. Along the way, learned about Birthstones and Best Actors. (By the way, if you don’t watch the Academy Awards on Sunday, you’d better have a look at the highlights. I guarantee there will be at least one question about the Oscars.)

Please take a moment and vote for Tomato Jake’s for Best Trivia In Durham County at’s Best Of The Triangle 2016. I would honestly appreciate the support. (And spread the word – one vote for each email address.)

Meanwhile, check out the AKC list of most popular dog breeds, see the FLOTUS list and sing along to A Whole New World

Now here are the trivia team full rankings for 2/24/16.

Kan-Ye Spare A Dime? 66
I Told A Pete Rose Joke And It Was A Gamble 61
The Poorly Educated Voters 61
I Like Jake’s Tomatoes 60
Team Thundershirt 60
My Puppy Barks At Trump 59
Tommy Used To Work On The Docks 58
The Funnel Clouds 55
Hillary Clinton Is Sexy 55
Did We Land In Oz Or Durham? 54
Hiding In Glass Bathtubs 53
Thank You, Tornado. Now We Have A Chance At Trivia! 49
Tornado Jake’s 49
Strictly Quacking 36

Pitch, Please

February 22, 2016

I don’t know for a fact. I mean, I can’t say with 100% certainty. It’s like how you may have never actually eaten head cheese but you can tell just by looking at it that it is the most unappetizing offal you will never put in your mouth. Still, you’ve never tried it so you can’t honestly say but somehow, based on experience and gut reaction, you just know you will hate it.

All that’s to say I just saw an ad for what appears to be a evening of a capella music and it occurs to me that I don’t think there exists a more precise embodiment of what I would consider hell on earth than this nauseatingly upbeat Up With People hipster crap.

Vocalosity: February 26

Of course, I haven’t seen it. Still. I just know I’ll hate it.

The Devil You Know

February 19, 2016

In the Charlie Daniels Band song The Devil Went Down To Georgia, I always thought that the Devil was the real winner of the fiddle contest.  I mean, he plays this funky tune.  A band of demons even joined in!  It totally rocked.  All Johnny did was play a dumb fiddle. Even if Johnny did legitimately beat Satan, why the hell was the freakin’ Devil gonna play fair? “Well, Devil, ” I think I beat you fair and square.” “Says who, Johnny? I think I won.” “But from a technically musical standpoint …” “Shut up, you redneck yokel! You think I care for the rules? I make the damn rules. Now gimme your soul, you ignorant hillbilly.”

Stupid song. Especially when they played the edited version on Top 40 radio.  “I told you once you son of a gun …”  No.  I don’t think so.  Why change the integrity of your artistic vision just because Casey Kasem doesn’t want to hear the word bitch on his precious little countdown?

Just what the hell IS Charlie Daniel’s problem anyway?

February 17 Trivia Rankings

February 18, 2016

Quizlings, if you have a moment, please vote for Tomato Jake’s for Best Trivia Night In Durham County at’s Best Of The Triangle 2016. I’d really appreciate it. More to come on that in the next few weeks. Stay tuned.

Now, let’s get to the rankings. Here are the teams as they played out from top to bottom…

The Source Of Taylor Swift’s Success 68
We Miss Sparky’s Wall 66
So We’re Sort Of Third Place, Right? 66
Victory Beer 64
I Won’t Act Like This When I’m President 63
Where’s Our Team? We Need A Name! 62
You And Me And Scalia Makes Three 61
I Told A Necrophilia Joke And The Room Went Dead 61
🙂 60
We Root For Duke Because They Pay Our Bills 59
Hot Sauce In My Bag, Swag 56
Kanye’s GoFundMe Account 52
Team Parmesan Cheese 50
Sofa King Bad At Trivia 50
Take Another Pizza My Heart 49
53 Million Dollars Of Tomato Jake’s Gift Cards 47
The Rochester Contingency 45
Bill Cosby’s Bartending School 41

Imaginary Lover

February 14, 2016

I recall my first love as if it were yesterday. I even remember when I first laid eyes on her. March 15, 1977. A Tuesday. Love at first sight, yes, of course. And forever after. 

I was young, naive, eager to believe of possibilities both tender and daring. She was older, more mature, scintillating, magnificent, amazing. A Grace Kelly charm with a raw beauty and spunky coquettishness beyond my wildest imaginings. Perfection. 

And yet, sadly, it was an unrequited love, as are most, truthfully. I knew from the start that our love could never be, not really, not how I wanted and not how I imagined in that tiny place inside where heart, mind and soul merge. 

Over the years, we grew apart and, ultimately, as loves past are wont to lean, I lost track of her. Certainly, I wish her the best, hope that she’s happy and fulfilled, wherever she may be. And, often, in those silent moments of reflection when I’m left to myself and my thoughts and memories, I recall her with great fondness and ponder what might have been. 

And so, with a misty eye and a swelling heart, I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge my first true love: Nancy Bradford, fifth oldest sibling on Eight Is Enough. Happy Valentine’s Day, Nancy. A very special part of my heart will always be yours. 

And happy Valentine’s Day to you folks too.

Five Random Five (Valentine’s Day Edition)

February 13, 2016

Five Embarrassing Crushes

The Super Nanny

Dame Judi Dench

Melissa Etheridge

Peter Scolari as Hildegarde in Bosom Buddies

Cheetara (Thundercats)


Five Unfortunate Valentine’s Day Memories

Chicken pox – third grade

Had candy hearts superglued to my forehead by a-hole roommate in college after I fell asleep

High school girlfriend allergic to flowers I sent her

Romantic dinner for two turned into awkward dinner for three when she brought her boyfriend (1995)

First boy/girl party in middle school and I spent “7 Minutes In Heaven” with an American Girl doll


Five Bad Excuses to Turn Down a Date

Dog in heat

Just got Brave on Blu-ray

Building life-size model of Orson Welles out of Legos

Roadying for REO Speedwagon reunion tour

Those Pottery Barn catalogs won’t recycle themselves!


Five Rejected Conversation Heart Sayings

Hands Off, Creep-O!

Future Taylor Swift Ex


Who’s Your Caddy?

Be My #1 & I’ll Be Your #2


Five Les Misérables Pickup Lines

I dreamed a dream of you and me in a three-way.

Oh, I will make you hear the people sing, baby!

At the end of the day, you’d better go home with me.

You are the hottest toothless, hairless prostitute I’ve ever seen!

My number may be 24601, but yours is a solid 10!


Sparky MacMillan can’t smile without you.

February 10 Trivia Rankings

February 11, 2016

The night was cold but the trivia was hot. Or the pizza was hot. Something was hot (you know who you are).

We learned North Carolina’s workplaces are a little less deadly than the used to be. We learned Glen knows how to tell a joke but should work on his timing. And we learned Sparky’s infrastructure goes pretty much the way of all of his relationships. (By the way, Valentine’s Day is Saturday.)

First up, Quizlings, let me fess up to a questionable question from Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia. Although the Elton John question was correct, it has been brought to my attention that it was misleading. I was asking to name a Broadway show that won a Tony for Best Musical for which Mr. John provided the music. However, I think some people took it to mean any Broadway show that won any Tony award. In that case, Aida would be acceptable so I have amended the scores to reflect that and will make restitution next week.

Now, let’s move on to the full trivia rankings for the week but – hey, first check out some Giant Realistic Flying Tiger from Uncle Grandpa

Puppymonkeybaby 66
Less Coldplay More Left Shark 66
Cam’s Hoodie Of Sadness 62
Pledge Drive Ends Friday 60
First Kiss Is Tomato Jake’s 59
Moon Pie 59
At Least There Are Open Tables 58
Bernie Beats Banker’s Best 56
Ash-Kickin’ Wednesday 55
#PoundSign 53
Fumble! Enh – Nevermind 53
Just A Small Town Girl 52
The Trumpback Whales 50
I Told A Chemistry Joke And Got No Reaction 49
Mikey Mike And The Funky Bunch 47
Resting Eli Face 42
George 42
Basketball Trumps Trivia 37
Dirty Randy and the Boys 36


February 7, 2016

On my 19th birthday, I ate so much cake I blacked out. When I came to, I was in a bed and breakfast in Connecticut. It was three days later and I was missing a kidney. I still have the scar.

February 3 Trivia Rankings

February 4, 2016

Thanks to all you Quizlings who came out to play. I was very impressed that some of you knew some very obscure trivia – even Teen Wolf’s jersey number!

Next week, I predict a few Valentine’s Day posers and perhaps a Superb Owl question or two.

Now, quick like bunnies, on to this week’s trivia team rankings…

Insert Caucus Joke Here 63
Trump Got Trumped 60
The Beauty School Dropouts 57
Let’s Flip A Coin For It 55
Trumper Tantrum 55
Hillary’s Starting To Feel The Bern 48
Trump’s Border Patrol 48
Cruzin’ For A Bruisin’ 47
Iowa Caucus Blockers 46
Hillary Wins Iowa For 75 Cents 45
The Flaming Hippos 43
Orange Crush 40
Sonic And Garlic Knuckles 39
Missing Madoff 39
Sandy Burgher Says, “Hi!” 36
We Still Got It! 36
Hope Floats 36
Jeopardeez Nuts 32
Chalupa Batman 32 (tie)
Chicken Parm, You Taste So Good 32 (tie)
What Would Trump Do? 31