Archive for June, 2018

June 27 Trivia Rankings

June 28, 2018

Thanks to everyone who came out to play this week. For those who didn’t (shame!), a special note and reminder: No Tomato Jake’s Trivia next week due to Independence Day (the holiday, not the movie).  See everybody in two weeks as the Dog Days Of Trivia continue!

Meanwhile, this week was all about Sanrio kitties, cinematic culinary clashes and wire-to-wire ball clubs. Also, there was this canine champ…

Now here are this week’s rankings. See how your team did!

The FDA Says I Should Smoke Now 68
Things Better With Beard Hair: Glen 66
No Soup For You, Sarah! 64
Team Names Are Really Hard 62
Jake Says My Shirt Is Not “Felt” Enough 62
Shh! We have A Sleeping Baby 61
Allison’s Birthday 60
Eric Trump For Inferior Court 60
Germany Got Das Boot 56
Only One In Dog Beers 54
Ashley, A Little Help With the Score, Please 51
The Bigs Boys V4 50
Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Woman? 44
2 Guys Who Don’t Know Squat 39
The Supreme Court Nominees 36
Kevin Needs A Raise 31

If Life Gives You Lemons…

June 26, 2018

Every summer there’s at least one story about some kid somewhere in these United States of America who sets up a lemonade stand and runs afoul of “the man.” You know, some bureaucrat who wants to rain on some poor snowflake’s free trade parade by citing laws and ordinances and zoning and sanitation and crap. Bad, bad Big Brother and its rush to squash the hopes of some moppet with grand plans and a pitcher of sour, lemony goodness in a front yard or at the end of a cul-de-sac. Let wee Susie sell her delicious refreshment, the public cries! Leave little Larry alone and allow him to learn the free enterprise system in a wholesome and innocent way!

Of course it’s all utter shite.

Let’s face it – you want, you need, some suit in city hall to come down hard on these cherubs with citrus schemes and money-raisin’ dreams. Otherwise, it’s salmonella and contamination thanks to those innocent little dirty hands and irresponsible ethics. Think an 8-year-old cares about a sanitation grade? Think a third-grader gives a damn about the proper sugar to water to fruit ratio? Leaving liquid or foodstuff sittin’ out in the hot sun may make your urchin vendor seem cute and precocious but know those refreshments are a bullet in your digestive tract once the botulism and dysentery get to work!

Open your eyes, you gullible proles: Kids who sell lemonade are not adorable! They aren’t sweet roadside peddlers with a song in their hearts and a wish upon their lips! They are death merchants trading in potable risk! Is your life worth that brief moment of Norman Rockwell bliss? No. Hell no!

So the next time you read about some precious tyke whose lemonade stand got shut down by some civil servant, don’t sympathize with the little angel. Instead, cry, “Jail’s too good for the sprog!” and breathe easier knowing that your elected officials are doing the work of the just!


Bow Wow – Whoa!

June 23, 2018

Here’s an ad for a very special toy. It’s a cute little Dachshund. A doggie that apparently needs to go walkies.

By the way, it’s German – does that make it any more comforting? No, of course not.

June 20 Trivia Rankings

June 21, 2018

What a great night for trivia, my Quizlings! I sure hope you were part of it all – the fun and the ice cream and the Dunkin Donuts gift cards. If you missed it, we’re doing it again next week (the trivia, that is – I can’t speak to the ice cream or the donuts).

This week, we were all about Big Apple big wigs, LEGO maniacs and shake, shake, shakey pop music. And, of course, there was this forgotten television – um, gem?

Now here are all the teams, ranked from highest to lowest (someone’s gotta occupy the end bits). See you next week!

The Felonius Baby Squad 52
It’s Always 8 O;Clock Somewhere 52
Come To Canada: Keep Your Pot And Your Babies 51
Came All the Way From Georgia For The Free Ice Cream 51
Not So Topical 50
Feckless Trump 50
Triple Threat 49
Who Is Tae Kwon Do Sally? 49
Chaco Taco 47
We Like Beer 45
Two Girls One World Cup 42
Wet Bandits 42
We Scream For Ice Cream 41
Tahoe Family 41
The Big Boys B3 37
I Don’t Know How To Pronounce This 35
High Wire Act 35

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Father’s Day Edition)

June 17, 2018

Five People I Wished Were My Dad When I Was A Kid

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray on My Three Sons)

Evel Knievel

Captain Kangaroo

James Bond

Paul Lynde (yeah, I know – but at the time …)


Five Things My Father Never Taught Me

How to ride a bike

How to fish

How to manage my finances

The birds and the bees

How to find him when he went away


Five Dad Cliches

I don’t pay to heat the whole neighborhood.

Because I say so!

Go ask your mother.

I brought you into this world – I can take you out!

Let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?


Five of My Favorite Fathers

Father Time

Father Ted

Father Christmas

Father Guido Sarducci

Father Goose


Five Fictional Characters with Severe Daddy Issues



Luke Skywalker

The singer of Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

The Huxtable Kids (totally in retrospect, of course)


June 13 Trivia Rankings

June 14, 2018

What can I say? Mea culpa, Quizlings! But a little unpredictability keeps one on one’s toes, does it not? I’ll make it up to you next week somehow.

This week, we chatted about fun stuff, like Sir Elton’s hits, NBA sweeps and Tony mischief. Plus there was this For-The-Love-Of-God-Get-It-Out-Of-My-Head! memory…

Now here are this week’s rankings. See you next Wednesday!

IHOB=New Coke 67
Spider-Coon 65
We Brought A Mascot 65
Denuclearizing … Sometime 62
Our Friends Are Not Here 59
The Big Boys 58
I’ll Be A Soccer Fan in 2026 57
A Team Has No Name 56
A Special Place in Hell, Trump Hotel 56
3rd Place 56
No Coach, No Problem. Viva Espana! 56
Trivia Newton John 55
Pancakes Are Way Too Hard For Us, Too 55
We’re Soccer Fans Once Every 4 Years 50
The Graduates 50
The Jolly Llamas 49
Firing Blind 49
Sassy Men 46
To Summit Up: No Nukes (yeah, right) 46
Budweiser? I Hardly Know Her! 44
Peace, Love & Nuclear Arms 42
Harray Caray 41
B Team 38
The Incredibles 34

Gumby, Dammit

June 9, 2018

I was watching Gumby on the Cartoon Network a while back and I saw something that, to be honest, shocked me.

Gumby’s sister needed to take a bath. So she went and got in the tub as she was. See, she didn’t take off her clothes because she wasn’t wearing any. She just hopped right on in.

Which means: she never wears clothes. None of them do. All of the Gumby family walk around totally starkers! Naked! Nude! Just as their stop-motion God molded them, their clay bodies exposed for all the world to see.

Not that Gumby, Pokey or any of their pals are, shall we say, anatomically-correct, shamelessly displaying clay privates with the audacity of a drunken coed on one of those spring break videos. No, these earthen amigos are as smooth and nondescript as a Ken doll, even less so.

But there’s a principle here. Why call attention to the Gumby clan’s nakedness by depicting the sister in a bathtub, even if it was an integral part of the story? Pure prurient interest, if you ask me! Pure lewdness! Pure insatiable lust!

Damn, that Art Clokey was one sick, horny SOB.

June 6 Trivia Rankings

June 7, 2018

What a great night for trivia and what a great bunch of Quizlings! Seriously, thanks to everyone who came out to play. Remember: The Dog Days of Trivia are here – spread the word and bring the pooches out to play.

This week, we did the right thing with Spike Lee (“Yo, Mookie!”), talked with the animals with a good doctor from Puddleby-on-the-Marsh and flipped for a acronymic breakfast chain.  Plus we got or spell on with Scripps …

Now here are the week’s rankings. See you next Wednesday!

The 4th Place Rut 60
Pardon Me! 56
Heat And Humidity Index Points To Ice Cream 55
Professor X’s School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry 55
Melania’s Kidney Lift 53
I’ve Got A Quarter In My Pocket 51
T-Team 50
Monsant-Who? 49
Frogs Wear Open Toad Shoes 49
It’s Our 20th Anniversary! Give Us A Damn Brownie! 49
Say “Yes” To The Stress 49
Chicken Wings Aren’t the Only Tiny Thing In Tomato Jake’s Kitchen 47
Hooters Gotta Hoot 46
Hammermans 44
School’s Out For Haramabe 44
BILFs and Tacos 43
We Demand Ice Cream! 42
I’d Bake Your Cake 39
The Big Boys 39
Come Check Me Out 37
Matt LeBlanc And the LeBlancs 36
Rudy Trivianis 34
J.R. Smith’s Clockreading Academy 34
No Bathing Suit? Do I Still Get A Crown? 34
The Gorls 34
No Capes! 32
My Drinking Team Has A Trivia Problem 28

The Giving Spree

June 4, 2018

When I was young, every year I’d get an anonymous gift on June 4.

Sometimes it would arrive by mail with no return address. Sometimes it would be left on the front doorstep, on the back porch or somewhere else I’d be sure to find it. Once, it came via a special courier who was dressed in a gorilla suit.


I never knew who sent these presents and I stopped getting them when I was seventeen. I used to imagine they were sent by my real parents who couldn’t acknowledge my existence because they were royalty or cool superhero adventurers off in a parallel dimension or something.  That still sounds like the most likely explanation.

Hey, prove me wrong.


June 1, 2018


Five Things That Kinda Sound Like “Sparky”



Spark Notes

CPO Sharkey

Twilight Sparkle


Five Rejected Children’s Book Titles

The Very Horny Caterpillar

Oh the Places You’ll Go To The Bathroom

A Winklevoss in Time

Charlotte’s Adult Webcam

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret Thatcher


Five Ways To Make Horse Racing More Interesting

The horses ride the jockeys

Track is shaped like an Escher drawing

Every horse equipped with lasers and bayonets

Only spectators allowed are belligerent monkeys

Loser becomes dinner at nearest homeless shelter


Five Florida Tourist Slogans

It’s not the heat – it’s the stupidity

Where grandmas goes to die and coeds go to get wild

Too hot to panhandle

Come for Disney. Stay for … uh … nope, Disney is pretty much it

Teabagging Cuba since the 16th century


Five Signs You Eat Too Much Pork

You sweat bacon

The ghost of Jimmy Dean appears to you nightly

The pigs picketing in front of your house

Whenever you read The Three Little Pigs to your kid, you salivate like Pavlov’s dogs

Your intestines are like Carnivale for trichina worms