Archive for July, 2018

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #31

July 28, 2018

When I was a really young kid, around 4 or 5, I was witness to a bizarre supernatural happening that I’ve rarely spoken about.

It just so happens that my bedroom was next to the bathroom and sometimes, very late at night, in those early morning hours when the whole house was asleep, I would wake to a strange, unearthly sound and the sight of what can only be described as – a ghost wheel. Yes, a ghost wheel. A tire, unattached to an axle or auto, spinning in place, there in the doorway of that bathroom. Amazingly, I would wake up and see this ghost tire spinning in place, never getting nearer, never moving forward or backward, just hanging there, an apparition suspended in air, rotating on an unseen axis. All the while, a familiar melody would waft eerily through the air: Blood, Sweat and Tears 1969 #2 hit, Spinning Wheel.

I swear I wasn’t asleep, yet I was never scared of the ghost tire. And to my knowledge no one else ever saw this otherworldly white wheel. It was an event that recurred with an odd regularity for several months when I was in kindergarten and yet it ceased as quickly as it began.

As an adult, I have no idea what the hell it all was – a waking dream or hallucination or – something else. Perhaps I never will. But I’d like to think that the truth is out there somewhere. That’s why I now work with the FBI’s X-Files.

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July 25 Trivia Rankings

July 26, 2018

A little dampness didn’t keep you Quizlings away from another wonderful week of trivia. No pooches on the patio but the Dog Days of Trivia continue. And if you don’t have a doggie to drag out to play then consider these options to enter our raffle:

August 1 – Bring a photo of your pet cat

August 8 – Bring a photo of your pet dog (invalid if dog is present)

August 15 – Bring a photo of your exotic pet

August 22 – Bring a photo of yourself dressed up as an animal

August 29 – Bring in a stuffed animal

You can get one ticket per week following the above scheme but it gets you a bite at the gift basket apple. We’ll raffle that bad boy off at the end of the summer (you must be present to win).

This week? We put our best foot forward (the left one), celebrated the Great White North and filled our target hole. Plus there was this candy commercial from the Golden Age of Television…

Now here are the team rankings for the week. See you next Wednesday, Quizlings!

Booberella: Anton’s Birthday Week 66
Trump Puts Tariffs on Trivia 64
Russia! Russia! Russia! 61
Putin Pays For His Hookers In Cash 61
Emoluments Are Hair Products, Right? 57
Subterranean Martian Lake Blues 55
Farmers Ex-Farmers For Trump 55
This Is Not the Lodge 55
Oh Lordy! There Are Tapes! 53
Live Laugh Trivia 53
Trivia Newton-John 52
Sex, Lies & Audiotapes ( The Fifty Shades Of Orange Edition) 51
Gerry And Seb Making Music 51
Live Free Or Pie Hard 47
What’s Ligma? 46
Figuring Out The Ice Cream Schedule 42
U Browned Williams 41
Beavis 41
Random Team Name 40
3 Girls (Under 20) 40
And In Last Place… 40
Chai Lights 39
Drinks On Glen 34
My Trivia Partner Doesn’t Know This Is A Date 28

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All Dessert Edition)

July 22, 2018

 

Five British Desserts

Spotted Dick

Blancmange

Windsor Wimple

Flummery

Queen’s Buns

 

Five Ways To Weaponize a Muffin

Set it on fire and fling it over a wall

Bake around spring-loaded steel spikes

Drop it from the thermosphere onto unsuspecting populace

Subject to 500 rem of radiation and leave at a brunch

Mutate it into a flesh-devouring life form

 

Five Presidential Dessert Quotes

“Ich bin ein Berliner.” – Kennedy

“The only thing to fritter is fritter itself.” – FDR

“Four scones and seven éclairs ago.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this waffle.” – Reagan

“I don’t care if it’s my third Baked Alaska – I’m the president and I’ll have as many as I damn well want!” – William Howard Taft

 

Five Desserts That Could Be Stripper Names

Parfait

Ladyfinger

Turkish Delight

Marzipan

Treacle Tart

 

Five Cookie Bands

Ace of Biscotti

The Doors-Si-Dos

Oreo Speedwagon

Macaroon 5

Panic at Nabisco

 

Social Climber

July 20, 2018

Cats love chicken but does chicken love cats? KFC certainly put them to interesting use by means of a four-hour Facebook Live with Super Deluxe event involving a Colonel Sanders Cat Climber, a cool clowder and social internet interaction. The entire multi-hour catravaganza is available but this little promo shows you the tongue-in-chicken style the Colonel was going for.

By the way, all the cats in the event were adoptable through Los Angeles’ Heaven on Earth Society of Animals.

July 18 Trivia Rankings

July 19, 2018

I love my Quizlings! Honestly, you lot need to understand that. Wednesday night trivia is the highlight of my week (sorry, family) and all of you kind folks who come out to play each week make that happen. Many thanks for that.

What happened this week? We learned how long it takes to get to the moon, who really invented the telephone and how quickly we forget losing running mates. And then there was this boxing moment…

Now, here are this week’s team rankings. See you next time, Quizlings, as the Dog Days of Trivia continue.

Flip Flops: The Official Trump Footwear 63
Will Do Wayne Lapierre For Bail 61
Pickle Packers International 60
Grab ‘em By The Putin 58
Putin Is The New Shaggy (It Wasn’t Him) 57
Putin On The Ritz; Trump’s Brain’s On The Fritz 57
Eating Pizza On National Hot Dog Day 56
We Said False When We Meant True 55
Trump! Stop Putin Your Foot In Your Mouth 54
Keeping up With Anton 52
The Flaming Falcons 50
Most Horses Have Mullets 50
Take Two 47
Charlie Brown And The Deepwater Jews 47
Quantum Rubble 46
Our Other Teammates Ran Off To Canada 46
Brittany Went To Home Goods 45
Vlad’s Boys 44
100% Of The Time We’re Right 50% Of The Time 41
Space Army 37
Drop Bears 36
Humor is Not Our Strong Suit 35
We’re NOT Gonna Be Last Place 34
The Extra Large Peanuts 34
The Sandals 33
Tomato Town 29

The Name Game

July 15, 2018

What is the most annoying thing on earth? My vote is for when you pose the innocent question, “What’s your name?” and someone snaps back, “Puddentame. Ask me again I’ll tell you the same.” Dead annoying when it happens on the playground at recess in second grade. A real good reason for an arse kicking when the new temp tries it at a departmental meeting in front of your boss.

Seriously, that slack-jawed son of a bitch better watch his back or I will make his life a living misery.

July 11 Trivia Rankings

July 12, 2018

It was great to see folks out again for an evening of Tomato Jake’s Trivia after a week off for America’s birthday. We got some cool ice cream to offset the heat and some cool trivia to satiate our brains.

The Dog Days of Trivia continue all summer long so bring those pooches out to the patio to get entered in our gift basket raffle (date: TDB, at the end of the season – you must be present to win). I will offer opportunities next month for those who don’t have pets to proffer for prizes.

What did we learn this week? Dinosaurs are cool (except when they sing and dance). Sparky has a lot of Tay Tay on his MP3 player. And corn pone is not what you think. Plus there was this incredible Kentucky-fried guest appearance…

Now here are this week’s rankings. See you next Wednesday, Quizlings!

Rescue Diver Fan Club 66
More Pizza For Us, I Guess 65
The Pasty White Stay-at-Homes 64
How Many Navy Seals Does It Take To Secure Free Ice Cream? 61
Send In The Divers, America’s Sinking 61
Trivia Newton-John 61
Clooney In Sequel To Gravity 58
Trivia 1 56
Putin’s Pocket 54
2 Guys, No Girls, And A Pizza Place 54
Threat Level Midnight 53
The Only Thing Coming Home Is England’s Futbol Team 53
The Wild Bores 52
Jack of Diamonds, Your Order Is Ready 52
MTV’s The Real World Cup 47
Sun’s Out, Pun’s Out 46
Forgot My Flask 45
International House of Pizza 45
Freaky Wednesday 43
What’s My Name Again? 38

Past Imperfect

July 7, 2018

I was going through some storage boxes in the back closet earlier and I found my old retainer and headgear and a couple of pairs of those Coke-bottle-lens glasses I wore back in junior high school (hell, I thought they were novelty specs for a second) and I was suddenly transported back to teenage years so awkward the geeks in chess club who played D&D and ran their rock tumblers nonstop could hold their heads high, secure in the knowledge that at least they weren’t me.

Seriously, Puberty! You’re nothing more than the ultimate proof Mother Nature’s nothing but a sadist.

The Origin of Independence Day

July 4, 2018

The world’s first Fourth of July celebration was held in 1653 in Plymouth, Massachusetts. The Pilgrims, after a particularly hard Winter, had planted their crops for the coming year. Tending to their fields was of utmost importance to the colonists but the Governor of the settlement had decreed that one day should be set aside for a Display of Fealty to the Crown. The date chosen was July 4, 1653. The date is of importance because it fell upon a Thursday and it was heretofore unheard of to take a day of rest that did not fall upon the Sabbath. But July 4 was picked not because of any religious or political import but because the Governor had a mistress and he wanted an excuse to visit her. With the colony celebrating his newfound holiday, he could use this day to sneak off and visit his mistress – an act unthinkable on the Sabbath or any established Holy Day. But his scheme was not to pass as his journey to the prearranged tryst location was fraught with disaster. First, his wagon wheel was warped and his axle split, throwing him and hobbling his horse. Then, he ran afoul of Dracula. Once in the thrall of the dark vampire lord, the Pilgrim Governor was sent to assassinate Cardinal Richelieu of the Spanish Inquisition. Thankfully Prince Valiant and Mothra intervened and stopped the Governor. Then Richelieu sent the cast of Hamilton to Dracula’s stronghold to defeat him. The subsequent victory was celebrated on July 4 and every subsequent year. And, thus, Independence Day was born.

It’s all true – Nancy O’Dell said so on Entertainment Tonight. Or – or maybe I read it on Wikipedia. I’m not sure, really. I drank some bad milk and downed pretty much a whole bottle of ZzzQuil. Don’t judge me! It’s a holiday!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

July 1, 2018

 

Five Misunderstood Condiments

Chutney

Capers

Tapenade

Wasabi

Chow Chow

 

Five Rarely Used Team Mascots

The Pomegranates

The Masseuses

The Kielbasas

The Surly Welshmen

The Priaprisms

 

Five Dog Breeds That Sound Snooty

Affenpinscher

Basenji

Brussels Griffon

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever

 

Five Toaster Faux Pas

More than one Pop Tart in single slot

Allowing Slenderman anywhere near it

Inserting tongue

Throwing it at toddlers

ANY fetish activity

 

Five Alarming Yet Completely Made Up Statistics

8 out of 10 teenagers have killed a neighbor

56% of postal carriers sneeze on the mail they deliver

¾ of U.S. homes are built on Native American burial grounds

11 million Americans think all maps are to scale

99 out of 100 farts are silent but deadly