Archive for May, 2019

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 31, 2019

 

Five Musically-Inspired Crayola Colors

New Kids on the Black

ChumbawUmber

P!nk

Simply Red

LMFAOrange

 

Five Future Stupid Internet Fads

Cameling (posing on all fours with something stuffed under your shirt on your back to resemble a hump)

Drumsticking (eating imaginary chicken)

Saucering (holding up large round objects over your eyes)

Evolutioning (multiple people posing as the various stages from the evolution of man chart)

Papering (sticking toilet paper on the bottom of your shoe in fancy situations i.e. wedding photos & graduations pics)

 

Five Sounds of Silence

Crickets

One hand clapping

Audience at a Yanni concert

Commitmentphobe’s reaction to “Do you love me?”

Butter screaming

 

Five Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Flavors

Rainforest Crunk

Phish Poop

Hubby Chubby

Upchucky Monkey

Cherry Andy Garcia

 

Five Iron Man Complaints

Electromagnet in chest makes TSA screenings hell

Stark Industries’ Dow Jones abbreviation is STAIN

A-holes who hum that Black Sabbath song in elevators

Pepper seems to have the hots for that dude in Coldplay

In summer, armor cooks chumblies like a baked potato in tin foil

 

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May 29 Trivia Rankings

May 30, 2019

Summer is here (unofficially, of course, but we all know how hot it is outside) and that means one thing at Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia – ICE CREAM!!!!! Plus we kicked off the Dog Days of Trivia (sans doggies but maybe next week, eh?).  Thanks to all the Quizlings who came out to play. It was loads, literally loads of fun.

What did we do? We quoted Shakespeare in Rome, ousted a pretender to the throne in Candy Land and got real with some housewives on the West Coast. Plus there was this this colorful tune …

Now check out the team rankings for the week – and we’ll do it again next Wednesday!

I Scream, You Scream 65
We’re Gonna Start Drinking Beer 65
No Ice Cream Is Un-Cone-stitutional 62
Too Big To Win 62
Bill Buckner’s Kids Misbehaved But He Didn’t Ground Them 61
Remember: Freedom Ain’t Trivial 60
Bored Of Education 59
Dumb And Dumbledore 59
Put Red Dot Here 57
Mueller – Mueller – Mueller 53
Taking ASMR Tingles To 11 52
We Got The Horses In The Back 49
Bunch Of Jerks 47
Sorry Your Dragon Show Sucked 46
What’s Brown And Rhymes With Snoop? Dr. Dre 45
Make Dum Dums Candy Again 44
For The Realm 41
Sam I Am 35

Top 10 Comic Strip Secrets

May 27, 2019

The funny pages may seem like little more than a pleasant morning’s diversion, something to chuckle at over coffee and toast, but the truth is there are more sordid stories behind the panels than fleas on Marmaduke! So grab on to something solid and sit back as we regale you with the Top Ten Comic Strip Secrets The Syndicates Don’t Want You To Know!

10. Calvin and Hobbes did not magically sled off to adventures unknown as the final strip would have you believe (sadly, Calvin now resides in a state mental institution, heavily sedated, living in a fantasy world of talking tigers, high-flying spacemen, stupendous superheroes and mutilated snowmen)

9. The Family Circus kids are all adopted

8. Beetle Bailey once shot himself in the foot in order to avoid Vietnam service

7. Rex Morgan, M.D. went to med school in Grenada

6. In 1985, Charlie Brown was given community service and a permanent restraining order for stalking the Little Red-Haired Girl

5. Little Nemo In Slumberland should really be Little Nemo on Psychedelic Mushrooms

4. Mark Trail and Mary Worth are friends with benefits

3. According to Daisy Mae,  Li’l Abner honestly really is

2. Garfield’s owner, Jon Arbuckle, killed his former roommate and Odie’s original owner, Lyman, after he discovered him with veterinarian Liz Wilson. Lyman is buried in the back garden where hapless Odie can sometimes be seen pawing at the ground and whining mournfully

1. Nancy’s Aunt Fritzi makes ends meet by working the pole at Bushmiller’s

Star Wears

May 24, 2019

This is an old commercial for Star Wars Underoos. It’s creepy and sad on multiple levels. First off, if this spot was produced today, the guy responsible would receive a visit from Chris Hansen. Secondly, Boba Fett, who may be the most awesome character to ever spring from the creative mind of George Lucas, can never EVER be cool again after being featured in this. And, third, the kids who acted in this are now grownups and they probably see this and cry, recalling dreams of Hollywood stardom that never was, remembering a more innocent age where their demanding stage mothers dragged them to cattle call after cattle call with the false promise that the ridicule and mockery from the friends who would see them dancing in their skivvies would all be worth it when they accepted their Oscar or Emmy or Tony and partied the night away in their Beverly Hills mansion – but of course it was all a fantasy shattered by mediocrity and years of failure and now they must wipe away the tears of humiliation and despair and get back to work because those shelves aren’t gonna stock themselves!

May 22 Trivia Rankings

May 23, 2019

What a sweet night of trivia for all who came to play. We had several pooches on the patio, heralding the advent of the Dog Days of Trivia (beginning next week). Some lovely new faces (don’t miss a week) were seen and there was a slight hint of frozen dairy goodness in the air (a-hem, be here next week for the full force of that deliciousness).

This week? It was all about awards (the Emmy and Oscar kind), mascots (the NCAA and advertising type) and border states (those that are quite as wet). Plus there was this dragonrific sketch …

dragonsketch

Now check out the team rankings for the week…

Oreo Speedwagon 69
He Couldn’t Have Gotten Into the Throne Anyway 67
Better Late Than Nevers 65
One More Week Til Ice Cream 64
Grumpy Team 63
My Story Is Better Than  Bran’s 63
Pupperoni 60
Put A Python In Your Tank 59
Know-It-Owls 59
Try Me 57
Obsequious, Purple & Clairvoyant 55
63 Earths Can Fit inside Uranus 53
Geoff 52
The Fat Yams 51
Cody’s One Percenters 50
Jeff With A J 49
Jack of Diamonds, Your Food Is Ready 49
Would It Kill You to Smile, Grumpy Cat? 43
Somebody’s Gotta Lose 40
Ghidorah Is A Better Dragon Than Drogon 34
Chocolate Labs 32
R2 30
A Song Of Water Bottles And Starbucks Cups 26

What Am I a-Freud Of?

May 21, 2019

Gotta bone to pick with my therapist. “Breakthrough” my arse! Repressed memories are repressed for a reason, doc! Hey, if I had wanted to remember that overnight camping trip when I was a Webelo scout I would have. I mean, I shoved it back into the deep recesses of my hippocampus for a reason!

But now it’s out in the open, basking in the cold light of day so I might as well own up to it. Yes, I killed a kid because he wouldn’t let go of my Eggo. And, no, that’s not a euphemism. He actually had the nerve to grab by Eggo waffle as it popped out of the toaster, just like in the damn commercials. I warned him not to but he thought it was funny. Well, who’s laughing now, Crandall? WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?!

See. It’s crap like that you just got to repress or it’ll make you batty.

eggowaffles

Duck Duck Goosed

May 17, 2019

For some reason, this Marx Brothers scene has been running through my head for the past few days. Dunno why. Just a coincidence, I guess…

May 15 Trivia Rankings

May 16, 2019

Thanks to everyone who came to play this week. It was a great crowd, to be sure. My only concern is that if you weren’t there then you missed out. That’s FOMO, my friends. Don’t let it get you.

Coming up: Our 500th Game! It will be some time this year and I will double the top three prizes that week. Don’t miss a week or you miss the fun.

What did we do this time out? We attended the Great Exhibition, smashed it up with Nintendo and did an SI threepeat. Plus there was this 2000s theme (what the – hey, is that Shiri Appleby?!?) …

Now, let’s check out the team rankings for the week. How’d you do? Well, there’s always next week.

Priangular Sparklehorns 68
The Team That Knew Too Little 63
King’s Landing Survivors 63
RIP Mr. Tudball 61
Who Needs Lilly’s? We’ve Got Jake’s 60
Jabronies 58
Sparky Mac & Cheese 57
Pickled Herring is Not A Prize 57
Birthday Cookies? 57
Every Villain Is Lemons 54
Jon Snow For Bachelor 54
Trogdor and Hodor Go to Mordor 54
Look, Drogon, We Saved The City 54
Varys Was Right 54
Bored Of Education 53
I Drink And I Know Things 52
Hannah Says Scotty’s Gotta Go 50
Pupperoni 49
Is Mayonaisse An Instrument? 49
That’s America’s Ass! 48
Dunder Mifflen D Team 48
A Team Has No Name 46
Que Sera Sera 41

Ticket To Ride

May 13, 2019

Strange thing happened over the weekend. I was driving home from the grocery store around dusk when someone walked up to the car at a stoplight and pulled a gun. He then forced me to drive to the nearest multiplex and buy a ticket to see Pokémon Detective Pikachu. He made me watch a feature film adaptation of a 2016 video game wherein an adorable electric type Pokémon helps a young man find his father. After the film was over, this unknown assailant ran off into the darkness and left me standing there in the lobby of the AMC Cinemas, confused and shaken at what had just happened.

At least that’s the story I told my co-workers when the ticket stub fell out of my wallet today at work.

POKEMON DETECTIVE PIKACHU

Hello, Udder. Hello, Odder.

May 10, 2019

Uh … wow.  I don’t know what’s more disturbing – the CGed swinging cow teat or the sadistic little hoodlum who feels it’s okay to screw around with dumb animals.  Regardless, countdown to PETA’s outrage in three … two … one …