Archive for August, 2015

No Love

August 28, 2015

According to a government study, students who took part in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not. Basically, this means the nearly $176 million the federal government spends annually on abstinence-until-marriage education may be wasted.

Say, I got an idea. You want to keeps kids from having sex? Give ’em braces, glasses, make ’em join the chess club, read comic books, play D&D and watch sci fi. No one will even give them a glance sexually.

Hey, it worked for me! (And you’re welcome, federal government! You can make the $176 million check out to Sparky MacMillan)

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August 26 Trivia Rankings

August 27, 2015

Fun night, Quizlings. Hope you enjoyed your ice cream and trivia, not necessarily in that order.

We learned about astronauts, state flags and super-short NBA players. And let’s hope Ms. Macaroni has a better day 4.

Now, here’s how everyone fared…

Your Full Team Name 70
Thank God They Didn’t Hack Christian Mingle 69
McWhopper: The Worst Of Both Worlds 67
Jailbreakers 65
Our Old Guy’s Not Here, So We’re Just Here For The Beer 63
Jared Fogle’s Happy Trail Of Tears 62
Ashley, You Said ‘Cheap Date’, Right? 61
Put a Pickle In It 61
Tomato Jake’s Official Trivia Team 59
Our Score Is Higher Than The Dow 56
Back To Basics 56
Bacteria: The Only Culture Some People Have 54
Day 3: A 2nd Grader Thought My Name Was Ms. Macaroni 53
Free Wiz 52
Hawaii Cat Oh 51
Lonesome Dove 50
Latte For Shar Shar 48
We Finally Have More Than 2 Members 47
Evergood 38
Limited Edition 38
Eno Rugby 35

The Feeling’s NOT Mutual

August 21, 2015

You know who I feel sorry for? Reeeeally feel sorry for? Those angry people in the Liberty Mutual commercials.

Yeah, I know they’re actors. And I know insurance is a scam that sucks. And I know I’m pretty angry about my rates right about now but – damn, those jokers are disgruntled as hell and it’s pretty unsettling.

I mean, let’s look at most ad campaigns for insurance – teleporting agents, animated geckos, upset cavemen, whee-wheeing pigs, Liz Lemon’s boyfriend wreaking havoc and even the president from 24. Even when they’re sorta serious, they’re still kinda fun and whimsical. It’s as if the spots are subconsciously saying: “Yeah, we know everyone hates insurance so let’s at least entertain you a little.”

But then these Liberty Mutual hardcases happen along and regale you with sob stories of crappy insurance companies that screwed them over until they switched to the commercial’s company. By the time you see the Liberty Mutual graphic at the end, the sour taste is so fully in your mouth it might as well do a cavity check and all you can do is feel so sorry for the scowling, frustrated, upset claimants.

Bottom line: Lighten up Liberty Mutual. Insurance reeks as bad as your ads but you don’t have to drag us all down to your level of bitter resentment and abject irritation.

August 19, 2015 Trivia Rankings

August 19, 2015

Rain, rain, go away … go and fall on Greg Fishel’s head. (Hey, we had beef years ago and I think he sends the precip on Wednesdays just to get my goat.)

Thanks for braving the deluge, Quizlings. We learned that Apex really is the peak of good living, the Rubik’s Cube people can do insane amounts of math and I must honor Kristen Bell’s restraining order.

Here are the rankings…

Summer Days Are Drifting Away But Oh Those Trivia Nights 68
Jared Was Eating Too Fresh 68
Straighta Outta Answers 64
If Trump Wins, There’ll Be Hell Toupee 64
Fitty Percent 63
When Batman Goes To The Strip Club He Makes It Wayne 62
Winnie The Pooch 62
We Already Have Female Viagra – It’s Called Tequila 60
Collateral Damage 59 (tie)
Glen Would Vote For Deez Nuts 59 (tie)
Deez Nuts 4 Prez 58
Obama 2016: Straight Outta Office 57 (DQ)
Playing to Win 55
We Can Guess Better Than Rubio Throws 54
My 5-Year-Old Really Likes Brownies – hint, hint 54
Hillary Can’t Handle Deez Nuts 54
Hump Day 53
Hillary’s Trash Folder 53
Beer Makes Us Think Good 53
AARP 52
My Grandma Can’t Wrestle But You Should See Her Box 51
SODU Ruggers 51
We Want To See Trump’s Birth Certificate 51
It’s Burgher’s Biiirrrfffday!!! 48
Kelvin Benjamin’s ACL 46
Muchos Nachos 43
Party Of One 31

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

August 19, 2015

Five Lesser Known Rogers

Roger Ramjet

Roger Dodger

Roger Taylor of Duran Duran

Roger I of Sicily

Roger Rarebit (Roger Rabbit’s Welsh Cousin)

Five Days I Dread

My birthday

Tax Day

The day my son realizes I don’t know everything

My first colonoscopy

President Trump’s inauguration day

Five Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago

Lion Killer, Walter Palmer

New England Patriots locker room attendant, Jim McNally

Secret Service Chief, Julia Pearson

Racist Fraternity Member, Parker Rice

FIFA president, Sepp Blatter

Five Odd Reasons To Get A Fake ID

Easier than legally changing your name

You think the guy who makes the fake IDs is super cute!

Lost a bet

So you can get a free doughnut on your “birthday” at Krispy Kreme

You have a lamination fetish

Five Hostess Musicals

The Wedding Zinger

The Best Little Ho Ho In Texas

Guys and Sno Balls

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Ding Dong

Twinkie Boots

There We Were All In One Place, A Generation Lost In Space

August 16, 2015

It seems hard to believe that it was nearly 50 years ago we all gathered together there on Yasgur’s farm. I don’t recall much of the experience, primarily due to sleep deprivation. (Do you know how hard it is to catch forty winks when half a million hippies are groovin’ to rock music? And the music was, like, nonstop!) Still, I jotted down a few notes for my school paper. Sadly, the article was never published because the principal refused to celebrate “those counter culture weirdos.” 

Nonetheless, here are a few excerpts from my own personal Woodstock diary:

“An Aquarian Exposition: 3 Days of Peace & Music.” So says the poster. For 18 bucks, the Beatles better show up carrying the Rolling Stones, the Doors and Cream on their freakin’ shoulders!

A 20-mile traffic jam? We are not walking all that way!

Sigh. We’re walking all that way. (more…)

August 12, 2015 Trivia Rankings

August 13, 2015

Wow. What a great night! 36 big teams started playing Tomato Jake’s trivia but only 33 finished. (So, no matter what your score, you at least did better than three teams that couldn’t stand the heat!)

Among the things we learned is that A-Rod did not play for Cleveland, silver is a transition metal and a back tattoo is neither accurate nor to scale.

Here are the rankings for the trivia action:

Not Ashamed Of What We Did For A Klondike Bar 69
Lego Prisoners 68
Ray Rice’s Wife Has A Stronger Jaw 67
Just A Topless Fat Guy Washing His Truck 66
Look Like Another Normal Season For The Jets 66
SIMP: Squirrels In My Pants 65
Jets Geno Gets Jawjacked 65 (tie)
Trump This 65 (tie)
Blame Bob 64
Never Let A 6-Year-Old Do Your Make-Up 64
Better Than Ezra 63
Bleeding From Wherever 62
Sparky’s Like Megyn Kelly … Good Host 61
Colorado River: Still Cleaner Than Brazil’s Olympic Lakes 61
Mike’s Ballers 61
The Master Debaters 60
Bombs Over Tianjan 59
Ezra 58
Vanilla’s Angels 56
Trivia Coming Out Of Our Wherever 56 (tie)
We Still Can’t Win, Half Our Team Is Gone Praying For Us 56 (tie)
Winnie The Pooch 56
On Wednesdays, We Don’t Wear Pink 54
Trumpax Pearl 54
The Jets Finally Learned How To Hit 52
Jon Snow 51
There’s Pizza Sauce Coming Out Of My Wherever 51
Get Off My Lawn! 48
You’re A Quizzard, Harry 47
Trump Card 47
Brainiacs Not … 45
Brownies For The Children 39
Peanut Butter And Jealous 32

Voltron Farce

August 10, 2015

Which one of the Voltron guys was the crotch?  Sure, they said they were arms and legs and body and head but somebody had to be the crotch.  Technically, it was the guy in the robot who formed the torso.  I think he was the Commander but if I’d have been on that team I would have just called him Crotch Boy or Señor Taint or something.  I mean, you can’t take a dude seriously if he’s a crotch, can you?

Ten Random Things That Have Kept Me Awake At Night

August 7, 2015

My student debt

The 2016 election (seriously, one of the jokers will be our next president)

How can I get more Twitter followers?

Sharks

My doctor’s appointment next week.

Why does somebody keep paying Adam Sandler to make movies?

Blue bell ice cream is back.

Ronda Rousey kicking my ass

Will I get into a decent fantasy football league this year?

Some scientists think the universe is not real and that our reality is just a simulacrum created by robots. Honestly, how the hell am I supposed to sleep when I think I could be watched by a bunch of omniscient robot gods?

August 5, 2015 Trivia Rankings

August 6, 2015

Thanks everyone who came out to play Wednesday night. Apologies for the delays and/or screw ups. I think we got it all straightened out in the end.

Here are the full rankings, ties factored in.

Never Gonna Give You Up 70
Time-Warner Cable Costs Us $20 In Pizza 69
Publishers Gonna Miss Jon 66
I Guess Miss Piggy Just Couldn’t Kermit 66
Kermit’s On The Market For A New Piece Of Bacon 64
Real Men Wear Kilts 61
I Like Big Books & I Cannot Lie 61
Mama Like De Wine 61
4 Silly People 60 (tie)
Alex’s Hot Tub Experience 60 (tie)
Roddy Piper Picked A Peck Of Pickle Peppers 59
Who Gets Custody Of Gonzo? 59
Let’s Get Quizzical 57
Ronda Rousey Knocks Out Girls Faster Than Bill Cosby 56
Is This Poisonous? 56
Toupee, Or Not Toupee, That Is The Question… 55
Travixxx 49
Ronda Rousey Likes It Rough 49
52 Points 48
The Swipe Is Right 47
We’re Out Of Ideas 47
Emanon 46
We’re Smarter Than That 46
Never Gonna Let You Down 46
Beacon 8 41
We’re Probably Cheating 40
We Can Get Over The Trump Hump 40
Scotchmen 35