Greetings, oh, intrepid wanderer! How fortunate that you should seek comfort here in this humble domicile. Many weary travelers have stopped to warm themselves by my fire, but be warned! Those selfsame journeyers have also been seen later running away from this house screaming into the night. Those that didn’t have lost their minds to an evil beyond your darkest imaginings!
For, yes, dear soul, you have now entered the HAUNTED HOUSE OF CURRENT EVENTS HELL!!!!!!!!
Witness, if you dare, in this echo-ridden chamber, an act of such dire ego that even its master does not fully comprehend its true malevolence! There, in the corner: is that Sarah Palin? Yes, and she has continued to garner attention with her new book. Or is it the feud with a fertile mouth-breather she once claimed to adore that gains her headlines? The holdover mock indignation from a late night host’s jest surely fades away in recent months; watch as she struggles to grasp for relevance in a sound bite arena. Careful, as this woman honestly believes that quitting is a positive step on the road to greater victories. Or is she merely an earth-born vessel for Satan himself, a willful servant of chaos and political folly? And can we ever truly know the difference?
But, come now, we must move on. Here, into this dark room. Hold your nose; mind the stench. It is the stench of celebrity, a cancer on the soul. But this is not a normal celebrity, hard earned through talent and work. No, this is the celebrity of the reality TV show family. Look – glued to the ceiling – the Heene family, instigators of the Balloon Boy hoax. They wanted attention and now their forms are splayed in terror above for all to see. “Be careful what you wish for” is a lesson that comes with unimaginable suffering. And over here – that small car – watch as child after child after child emerges. The offspring of infinite Duggars and Octomoms and Jon & Kates. They are forever spat out in succession, like a carnival or circus, because, here in the Haunted House Of Current Events Hell, the vagina IS a clown car! Responsibility? Love? Caring? These words are foreign here and they ring hollow when whispered. Ah, but look, the ghost of Thomas Malthus emerges from his grave to suckle the young children. Let us move along.
Here, in the laboratory of overreaction, what has the psychotic Doctor Media cobbled up here in his workplace? Ugh! A concoction of panic, ignorance and desire. The H1N1 pandemic is among us. What hope, you ask? The vaccine that hovers above us like a sword of Damocles? Dare we take hold of the syringe? What horrid future awaits if we do – sickness and death? But is that not the fate of those who go without? The talking heads in Doctor Media’s lab howl at our indecision! They revel in the malignance of a public frozen in its fear, fed by the very droppings they spew. Stare down the profane multi-headed Hydra as it lashes out at its creator! No! The media is out of control! Run! Run, now, I beg you!
Huh. Huh. Huh. Stop, now. The danger has passed for the moment. We may rest a while. Look about you. What evil could lurk here amongst these rows of plush seats? This is first class and you are to be pampered here. Food, drink, luxurious comfort, your whims catered to as befits your kingly status. But, wait! Look at the clock as it spins round and round. Something sinister is occurring n the cockpit! Are the pilots asleep? Arguing? Googling something obscene on their laptops? We will never know for this is the unending Northwest flight! Destination Minneapolis? No! Destination: HELL!
Now, follow, quickly! Our trek is almost at an end. Let us pause here, but a moment, in the hall of Health Care Reform. Look over there: the pained expression, the rants, the outrageous speech, the hyperbole. Are they hordes of the damned, the undead or merely rabid? Hard to tell but, no, Glenn Beck has merely incited hordes of tea baggers to infest town hall meetings, shouting down reason for their own selfish, impossible goals. And over there: a Democratic party in chaos, deranged from inactivity and inertia. They offer nonsense on a platter and will bend like a reed in the wind to any will stronger than their own. Ah, but this is Washington, a special hell unto itself, where ideas are like anuses in that everyone has one and most of them stink!
Now, quickly! Run! Towards the light! Past the Andre Agassi memoir! Beyond the early western snowfall! Avoid the Taylor Swift Swastikas! Overlook the over-hyped Michael Jackson documentary! Disregard the push for Roman Polanski’s release and discussion of Dennis Hopper’s prostate!! Go! Head for the exits!
Ahhh!!!! Yes, we have escaped!!! Consider yourselves worthy. Few have ever ventured into the pit of ultimate darkness that is the Haunted House of Current Events Hell and lived to tell the tale. Now, go! Speak only of what you have seen here today in hushed tones. But, warn others! Tell your friends!
And remember: the Haunted House of Current Events Hell is open every night from 7 to 10 until Halloween! All proceeds go to the local Civitan! Drive safely!