Archive for October, 2009

Scare Factory

October 31, 2009

Greetings, oh, intrepid wanderer!  How fortunate that you should seek comfort here in this humble domicile.  Many weary travelers have stopped to warm themselves by my fire, but be warned!  Those selfsame journeyers have also been seen later running away from this house screaming into the night.  Those that didn’t have lost their minds to an evil beyond your darkest imaginings!

For, yes, dear soul, you have now entered the HAUNTED HOUSE OF CURRENT EVENTS HELL!!!!!!!!

Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!!!!

Witness, if you dare, in this echo-ridden chamber, an act of such dire ego that even its master does not fully comprehend its true malevolence!  There, in the corner: is that Sarah Palin?  Yes, and she has continued to garner attention with her new book.  Or is it the feud with a fertile mouth-breather she once claimed to adore that gains her headlines?  The holdover mock indignation from a late night host’s jest surely fades away in recent months; watch as she struggles to grasp for relevance in a sound bite arena.  Careful, as this woman honestly believes that quitting is a positive step on the road to greater victories.  Or is she merely an earth-born vessel for Satan himself, a willful servant of chaos and political folly?  And can we ever truly know the difference?

But, come now, we must move on.  Here, into this dark room. Hold your nose; mind the stench.  It is the stench of celebrity, a cancer on the soul.  But this is not a normal celebrity, hard earned through talent and work.  No, this is the celebrity of the reality TV show family.  Look – glued to the ceiling – the Heene family, instigators of the Balloon Boy hoax.  They wanted attention and now their forms are splayed in terror above for all to see.  “Be careful what you wish for” is a lesson that comes with unimaginable suffering.  And over here – that small car – watch as child after child after child emerges.  The offspring of infinite Duggars and Octomoms and Jon & Kates.  They are forever spat out in succession, like a carnival or circus, because, here in the Haunted House Of Current Events Hell, the vagina IS a clown car!  Responsibility?  Love?  Caring?  These words are foreign here and they ring hollow when whispered.  Ah, but look, the ghost of Thomas Malthus emerges from his grave to suckle the young children.  Let us move along.

Here, in the laboratory of overreaction, what has the psychotic Doctor Media cobbled up here in his workplace?  Ugh!  A concoction of panic, ignorance and desire.  The H1N1 pandemic is among us.  What hope, you ask?  The vaccine that hovers above us like a sword of Damocles?  Dare we take hold of the syringe?   What horrid future awaits if we do – sickness and death?  But is that not the fate of those who go without?  The talking heads in Doctor Media’s lab howl at our indecision!  They revel in the malignance of a public frozen in its fear, fed by the very droppings they spew.  Stare down the profane multi-headed Hydra as it lashes out at its creator!  No!  The media is out of control!  Run!  Run, now, I beg you!

Huh.  Huh.  Huh.  Stop, now.  The danger has passed for the moment.  We may rest a while.  Look about you.  What evil could lurk here amongst these rows of plush seats?  This is first class and you are to be pampered here.  Food, drink, luxurious comfort, your whims catered to as befits your kingly status.  But, wait!  Look at the clock as it spins round and round.  Something sinister is occurring n the cockpit!  Are the pilots asleep?  Arguing?  Googling something obscene on their laptops?  We will never know for this is the unending Northwest flight!  Destination Minneapolis?  No!  Destination: HELL!

Now, follow, quickly!  Our trek is almost at an end.  Let us pause here, but a moment, in the hall of Health Care Reform.  Look over there: the pained expression, the rants, the outrageous speech, the hyperbole.  Are they hordes of the damned, the undead or merely rabid?  Hard to tell but, no, Glenn Beck has merely incited hordes of tea baggers to infest town hall meetings, shouting down reason for their own selfish, impossible goals.  And over there: a Democratic party in chaos, deranged from inactivity and inertia.  They offer nonsense on a platter and will bend like a reed in the wind to any will stronger than their own.  Ah, but this is Washington, a special hell unto itself, where ideas are like anuses in that everyone has one and most of them stink!

Now, quickly!  Run!  Towards the light!  Past the Andre Agassi memoir!  Beyond the early western snowfall!  Avoid the Taylor Swift Swastikas!  Overlook the over-hyped Michael Jackson documentary!  Disregard the push for Roman Polanski’s release and discussion of Dennis Hopper’s prostate!!  Go!  Head for the exits! 

Ahhh!!!!  Yes, we have escaped!!!  Consider yourselves worthy.  Few have ever ventured into the pit of ultimate darkness that is the Haunted House of Current Events Hell and lived to tell the tale.  Now, go!  Speak only of what you have seen here today in hushed tones.  But, warn others!  Tell your friends!

And remember: the Haunted House of Current Events Hell is open every night from 7 to 10 until Halloween!  All proceeds go to the local Civitan!  Drive safely!

Garrulous Grub

October 29, 2009

Normally, I don’t care for the advertising trend of talking food.  I want what I eat to not have much in the way of sentience and that’s why I’m a vegetarian.  But the ads for this UK show make me giggle.  Yes, giggle, like a freakin’ schoolgirl, so get over it already!  Maybe it’s the cheeky British accents (I doubt they’d be as charming with a Deep South twang or New Jersey patois).  Maybe it’s the quick banter and in/out motif that hits you with the concept and leaves you wanting more.  Either way, it’s a fun little look at food with a bite.

Put On Your Thinking Tuques

October 28, 2009

If anyone’s interested, and if you’re in the Triangle area, my latest gig begins tonight!  (That’s Wednesday, October 28, 2009, for anyone reading this after the Internet crashes in 2012.)  Yes, Sparky Mac will be Master of Ceremonies at Tomato Jake’s Trivia Wednesdays.  Game begins at 8pm and I hope it’ll be fun, entertaining and even a wee bit challenging.  Prizes go to the top scoring trivia teams, so come on out, have some pie, get your think on, and give Sparky some support, if you can.  (And if you can’t make it tonight, I’ll be doing this every Wednesday for the foreseeable future.)  For more info on the venue, check out http://www.tomatojakes.com/

The Public Option Is Good But I’d Rather Have Heather Graham

October 27, 2009

I don’t get overly political much here unless it’s to make fun of pretty much anyone and everyone who runs for or gets elected to public office, but I do have my beliefs and causes.  Right up there on the list is health care reform, but I’ve soured on the “debate” since  debate usually means intelligent discourse rather than cable-inspired yokels screaming at town hall meetings “I want my America back!”  For me, the goal is simple: I desire some sort of universal health care, like Canada or England or  – gasp! – France.  Socialized medicine, you cry?  Hell yeah, I respond.  But I’m not holding my breath that it’ll ever happen here in the land of the freak-out-over-the-least-amount-of-change.  Few can encapsulate into words why it’s a good idea and the demagogues who spew venom and misinformation seem to always have the upper hand (primarily because they aren’t concerned about rational thought or, heck, even the truth).  Yet every now and again something like the spot below comes along.  Will it get anyone to change their mind or call their representative?  Can’t say for sure, but I’m all for the gratuitous use of Heather Graham for whatever reason.  And I think if there was a chance she might actually be your doctor, universal health care might have a shot!

Winters Wonderland

October 27, 2009

After the day I’ve had, I need a laugh.  So, here’s Jonathan Winters way back when, proving that he is an improv god.

Changing Your Toon

October 25, 2009

From back in the days when the Cartoon Network showed cartoons …

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #16

October 24, 2009

What’s worse than having your parents force you to go to a birthday party you don’t want to attend?  Having someone else’s parents force you to go to a birthday party you don’t want to attend.

In middle school, my best friend’s little brother was having a birthday party.  I got a perfunctory invite but didn’t plan on attending due to A) the somewhat annoying nature of the birthday boy, B) the fact that I wasn’t friends with the kid, and C) the realization that I’d rather spork my own eyes out than spend 5 minutes with the corduroy pillow-humping creep (a description I did not just make up, sadly).  Unfortunately, my best friend’s mom, under the mistaken impression that my friendship with her elder son had stifled her youngest’s ability to maintain friends of his own (see C above and you’ll know why that wasn’t true), told me that I could not have my best friend at my upcoming birthday bash unless I attended the party of his younger brother.

Luckily, my best friend got sick the day of the party and his mother consented to allow me to leave the gathering early in order to keep him company.  Sigh.  Heart of a saint she had.  (She kept it in an urn on the mantel.)

The Best Breakup Song Ever!

October 23, 2009

Since today is Weird Al’s birthday, here’s one of his best and my personal favorite:

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

October 23, 2009

Five Bad Local Commercials

Bear Mtn. Sports   

Jesus Christ Bail Bonds         

Auto Connection

Girl, Job Fair, Word

Eastwood Insurance

 

Five Bad Places to Hide a Spare Key

Under the front door mat

The lock

On your keychain with the other keys

Fiji

The Paleozoic Era

 

Five Books I’d Recommend That You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

The Wampanaki Tales by James Howard Kunstler

The Quartzsite Trip by William Hogan

Super-Folks by Robert Mayer

The Choking Doberman: And Other “New” Urban Legends by Jan Harold Brunvand

Diet for a New America by John Robbins

 

Five of My Favorite Sci Fi Clichés

The alien planet turns out to be Earth

Protagonist attempts to change the past, thereby creating the future he hoped to prevent

The alien is not the bad guy but the good guy

The hero turns out to be dead or from a parallel Earth or an alien

… But no one remembers!

 

Five Ways to Prank a Roommate, Two of Which I’ve Done

Lysol in his milk

Ex-Lax brownies

Identity theft

Skunk juice in his fabric softener

Cardboard standup of Batman in the shower

Happy Birthday, Christopher Lloyd!

October 22, 2009

To celebrate, here’s a wonderful scene from Taxi, culminating in what may be one of the best sitcom gags ever…