Archive for August, 2010

Storm Frontin’

August 31, 2010

I know it’s dangerous and all but is it actually within human nature to take anything named Earl as a serious threat?

“Hi, y’all. I’ll be destroyin’ your beachfront property right directly here.  Hope y’all don’t mind or nothin’.  T’ain’t my fault, really.   S’what we hurricanes do, y’know.  I really don’t wanna be all destructive and whatnot.  I’m just trying to be a better storm.  My name is Earl.”

Dressing Down

August 30, 2010

If you caught the 62nd Primetime Emmy Awards last night, you no doubt saw a few fashion dos and quite a few fashion don’ts to boot.  While many armchair fashion designers were praising the likes of Lea Michele and Sofia Vergara, the one actress whose choice of gown was almost universally reviled was January Jones.  Wearing a blue, strapless Atelier Versace dress, the stunning Mad Men star earned raised eyebrows and failing grades from onlookers and commentators.  Me, I must concur.  For when I saw the blonde beauty on the pre-show red carpet and, later, on stage presenting, I was taken aback by her ensemble.  So, allow me to put an end to this national nightmare and make the following bold, heartfelt suggestion: January Jones, take off that dress!  Immediately.  Permanently.  I think the world we be all the better for it.  Thank you.

The Land of The Rising Bile

August 29, 2010

What you say?!  Okay, I’m used to the U.S. being treated like the inbred cousin by dictators and crapmuffins around the world.  But Japan?  They’re supposed to like us! 

So what’s the latest tempest in a ceremonial teapot? Japanese Democratic Party Heavyweight Ichiro Ozawa has called Americans “simple-minded.”

Nice one, mate. Really. I applaud the chutzpah, really I do. But if you wanna throw stones, get outta that glass dojo!  Me, I’ll take simple-minded.  But you guys?  What can we criticize about Japan, hmmm?  Let’s see, where do I start?

How about whaling … Pink Lady … Legend of the Overfiend … the yakuza … futons … really scary horror movies that prompt Hollywood to make inferior sequels … Kabuki … Karaoke … parading your schoolgirls around in costumes that wouldn’t be out of place at a bachelor party … a really lame flag … Benihana … Japanese characters tattooed on American idiots who don’t know the meaning of them … Japanese kids wearing t-shirts with English phrases they don’t know the meaning of either … Godzilla movies (any after the original, that is) … the Akita … beer vending machines … Haiku … sumo wrestling … Sushi … and, finally, something I’m sure we can all agree on: the ending to Akira Kurosawa’s Hachi-gatsu no kyôshikyoku. What was that all about, right? Are you with me here, people? Sh’yeah.

But, hey, maybe we can stop the finger pointing and name calling and be friends.  East meets West and hugs it out, bitch.  That way, we can save our contempt and scorn for countries that truly deserve it.

Hell, yes, I’m looking at you, Albania, you Archfiend of the Adriatic, you!

Richard Basehart?

August 28, 2010

If you don’t know what the heck MST3K is (or, sadly, more accurately – was) this will be pretty much gibberish to you.  But it’s funny, enjoyable gibberish, so check it out anyhow.

The 12 Best Mystery Science Theater 3000 “Guest Stars”

From Jack Perkins to Hugh Beaumont, they’re all here.  Well, the classic, coolest ones, at least.  Enjoy!

Fab Foray

August 27, 2010

Rolling Stone ranks the 100 Best Beatles Songs.  You have to shell out money and buy a limited collectors’ edition issue to get all 100, but you can check out the Top Ten HERE

Did they pick the best songs or their favorite songs or something else altogether?  Let the arguments begin!

Dolla Holla

August 26, 2010

I was in the Dollar Tree last night, picking up some cheap and inexpensive – well, let’s be honest – crap.  And I saw a sign at the counter that said: Follow us on Twitter.  Seriously.  The Dollar Tree expects people to follow them on one of the biggest social networking sites in the world.

How bored do you have to be to want to follow the Dollar Tree?  How worthless is your time and life to want to the latest 140-character Tweet the Dollar Tree feels the need to let fly? 

I mean, not to be unnecessarily cruel, but I’m guessing that German chick who was locked in the basement for 30 years by her incestuous father would have better things to do than follow the freakin’ Dollar Tree!

Let me just check out how lame this will totally be … what the – ?! They have 2,473 followers!  Son of a bitch!  And they’re on Facebook?!  I -I honestly have never been nonplussed before until this very moment but now I am and this is me, being nonplussed.  Textbook example.  Look it up.


August 25, 2010

Newsweek gives us a slideshow of stupid things Americans believe in (or, rather, don’t know).  From witches to death panels, we is one damn ignorant country.

Click HERE for a reminder that you are one of the intelligent ones.

Gum Belle

August 24, 2010

Dammit.  They switched Orbit chewing gum babes.  They thought they could get away with it, too … just got another beguiling British blonde with a dazzling smile and snappy fashion sense and thought no one would notice!  And, okay, we didn’t at first.  She’s cute, it’s a funny ad, no harm done.  But then we realized something was different.  Is she smaller?  Is her hair different?  Bloody hell, no – it’s a different actress!  It’s like that time you picked up that woman at the Fresh Market because she looked like your ex.  In the heat of the moment – in the throes of passion – you could forget she wasn’t and pretend nothing had changed but in the end there were differences you couldn’t look past and you knew it wasn’t the same even though she has to have moved on by now and it was her choice to leave anyhow and your friends tell you to let it go and get on with your life but you can only think of her and no blonde lookalike is going to restore your will to live no matter how hot the chemistry is and how can you accept this as right or okay in any sense?!  IT’S NOT; IT’S SO WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS!!!! 

Um … uh … sorry.  Hey, but one cheeky chewing gum spokesmodel is as good as another, eh?

Movie Noose

August 23, 2010

Just saw that Vampires Suck was #2 at the weekend box office, taking in 12.2 million.  That means, best estimate, well over a million people saw this cinematic offal that averages a D+ from critics across the nation.

Meanwhile, I had the cinema to myself at a Sunday night showing of the superlative suspense thriller The Girl Who Played With Fire.

Is it any bleedin’ wonder I’m a film snob?

Them’s Fightin’ Words!

August 22, 2010

“All men have an instinct for conflict: at least, all healthy men.” — Hilaire Belloc

What the -?! Lying scum!! I’d kick your French butt if I wasn’t so sickly and weak and a – a pathetic example of my gender.