What you say?! Okay, I’m used to the U.S. being treated like the inbred cousin by dictators and crapmuffins around the world. But Japan? They’re supposed to like us!
So what’s the latest tempest in a ceremonial teapot? Japanese Democratic Party Heavyweight Ichiro Ozawa has called Americans “simple-minded.”
Nice one, mate. Really. I applaud the chutzpah, really I do. But if you wanna throw stones, get outta that glass dojo! Me, I’ll take simple-minded. But you guys? What can we criticize about Japan, hmmm? Let’s see, where do I start?
How about whaling … Pink Lady … Legend of the Overfiend … the yakuza … futons … really scary horror movies that prompt Hollywood to make inferior sequels … Kabuki … Karaoke … parading your schoolgirls around in costumes that wouldn’t be out of place at a bachelor party … a really lame flag … Benihana … Japanese characters tattooed on American idiots who don’t know the meaning of them … Japanese kids wearing t-shirts with English phrases they don’t know the meaning of either … Godzilla movies (any after the original, that is) … the Akita … beer vending machines … Haiku … sumo wrestling … Sushi … and, finally, something I’m sure we can all agree on: the ending to Akira Kurosawa’s Hachi-gatsu no kyôshikyoku. What was that all about, right? Are you with me here, people? Sh’yeah.
But, hey, maybe we can stop the finger pointing and name calling and be friends. East meets West and hugs it out, bitch. That way, we can save our contempt and scorn for countries that truly deserve it.
Hell, yes, I’m looking at you, Albania, you Archfiend of the Adriatic, you!