Archive for April, 2012

Cat Fancy

April 29, 2012

When is Hello Kitty not Hello Kitty? When she’s dressed as another pop culture icon. From Lady Gaga to Darth Vader, witness 16 AWESOME HELLO KITTY MASHUPS. (And, yes, I know I am far too obsessed with Hello Kitty for an adult male but she’s just so cool. And, yes, I am even more aware that I could have simply ended that last sentence after “Hello Kitty.”)

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Good Times, Come On!

April 28, 2012

What’s the best way to celebrate? A cupcake. Yes, a simple cupcake. A French vanilla cupcake, in fact. A French vanilla cupcake with strawberry icing.

Perhaps not much of a celebration in and of itself. But when consumed off the naked torso of Minka Kelly, hey now – that’s a party!

I Can Has Revulsion?

April 27, 2012

Some folks might cynically claim this is why they hate us. They’re probably right. Hell, this is why I hate us.

Voter Hesitation

April 26, 2012

North Carolina has a primary coming up on May 8. I plan on voting, as I usually do, but someone asked me today if I’d taken advantage of the early, one-stop voting. No, I haven’t. I don’t vote early due to the irrational fear that the moment I do the candidate of my choice will be revealed  to be an axe murderer or criminal mastermind or something. I imagine I’ll cast my ballot and hear something on the news like: The councilman was arrested earlier today after the shocking discovery of  dozens of children’s bodies in his basement. Even more shocking – a throne built of skulls he constructed to his dark lord … I’m sorry … I just hope no one has already voted for this lowlife for if they have they surely must feel like throwing up.

That’s why I’m waiting until the very last minute. They may all be crooks and charlatans but at least I’ll be working on the same amount of knowledge as the rest when I vote for the crook and charlatan of my choice!

Shark Weak

April 25, 2012

This may not be the trailer for the worst movie ever but … ah, who am I kidding, it probably is. (Warning to my pal, George – do not watch this. Ever!)

It’s Easy If You Try

April 24, 2012

“Imagination is more important than knowledge.” – Albert Einstein

Ah, yes. That’s why I imagine I have knowledge.

EARTH DAY INTERVIEW

April 22, 2012

The week of April 16th through the 22nd has been designated as Earth Week, a time set aside to honor our Mother Earth through conservation, education and environmental awareness.  And on April 22, THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE sat down with the planet of the hour … the Third Rock From The Sun, the Big Blue Marble, Terra, our world, home … Earth.  Here are some excerpts from the interview.

TFR: Scientists believe that you are around four and a half billion years old.  Can you reveal your actual age?

EARTH: Six thousand.  Don’t you read the Bible?

TFR: Uh, I don’t … I mean, that doesn’t …

EARTH: Ah, just yanking you!  I think those religious nutjobs are hilarious. No, really, I’m 4 billion, 542 million, 238 thousand, and nine years old, as of today.

TFR: So Earth Day is your birthday?

EARTH: Well, it’s the day I celebrate.  I was adopted.

TFR: Adopted?

EARTH: By Jupiter.  I don’t like to talk about it much.  We’re estranged now.

TFR: So, is it true that you were born out of the solar nebula through accretion…

EARTH: Oooh, you’ve done your homework.

TFR: And, while initially molten, your outer layer began cooling to form a solid crust when water began accumulating in the atmosphere?

EARTH: Spot on!

TFR: So your insides … your core … is it a solid sphere of iron-nickel alloy, as many believe?

EARTH: Nope.  Nougat.  Delicious chewy nougat.

TFR: Well, the surface is mostly water, right?

EARTH: I’m retaining.  It’s that time of the eon.

TFR: And looking back at your history … what would you say is your favorite moment?

EARTH: When that planetoid Theia impacted me back in the day and caused the formation of the moon.  Brilliant, that was. Closest I’ll ever come to sex.  And don’t think Venus hasn’t tried.

TFR: Hmmm … and your least favorite moment?

EARTH: The Cambrian explosion.  All those new life forms crawling all over me … eeehhhh … it’s like having lice all over your body!

TFR: Are you saying that you resent the life forms that reside upon you?

EARTH: At first, yeah, but not any more.  You get used to it.  Like when you rent an old apartment, you’re bound to have a few roaches and silverfish.

TFR: Are your prepared to address the origins of life?  I mean, is it in line with the amino acids and electricity of the Miller-Urey experiment or perhaps extraterrestrial in origin, say, a Mars meteorite?

EARTH: Definitely extraterrestrial but less Martian than Erich Von Däniken.

TFR: What?!

EARTH: Read Chariots of the Gods?, mate.

TFR: Alien astronauts?!

EARTH:  Shhhh!  Shhhhh!  I’ve said too much.  They might be listening.

TFR: You’re kidding again, right?

EARTH: Raëlism is looking pretty good now, I bet.

TFR: Uh.  Getting to tectonic theory for a bit …

EARTH: Oh, horrible!  Hate it!  Continental drift … landmasses all moving about.  Pangea was just fine but Laurasia didn’t get on with Gondwana and the next thing you know it’s 200 million years later and everyone’s all up in their own space.  Spoiled little bitches.

TFR: Are you worried about global warming at all?

EARTH: No way!  I love a warm spell.  Helps defrost my South Pole.  I mean, how’d you like running around with frosticles on your arse?

TFR: Well, funny you should mention …

EARTH: Plus, it gives me a chance to sing.

TFR: Sing?

EARTH: It’s getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes!

TFR: Seriously? You’ve been home to some of the most creative genius minds the universe has to offer and you’re quoting Nelly?

EARTH: Oh, take the stick out, Sparky. It’s getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes! I am getting’ so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.

TFR: That’s so sad.

The Earth can be seen rotating on its axis at a tilt and revolving around the Sun in what many suspect may be the oldest co-dependent relationship in the solar system.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 22, 2012

Five Snap, Crackle & Pop Associates

Pow

Wham

Plop

Pffft!

Kazoowie

 

Five Sins of Omission

Not telling the kid he’s adopted

Keeping your opinion to yourself

Letting her think you went to Jared when you didn’t

Not admitting you can’t drive a stick

Letting others blame it on the dog

 

Five Things That Kind of Sound Like Pickles

Pimples

Kellie Pickler

Pixels

Pimp Canes

Pippa

 

Five Questions You Don’t Want To Hear In An Elevator

I wonder what would happen if the cable suddenly snapped?

Will you hold me like there’s no tomorrow?

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?

Phew! What did you have for dinner last night?

Would you like a free hernia check?

 

Five Earth Day Faux Pas

Pamphlet bombing a mall parking lot to promote your event

Showing An Inconvenient Truth at an RNC gathering

Dancing on the grave of Rachel Carson

Having Nickelback perform

Burning “Save the Earth” into an old growth forest so it can be seen from space

Sparky MacMillan wants to be forced into early retirement.

Boy, I Sure Miss This Guy…

April 20, 2012

Curry Por Favor

April 19, 2012

Happy birthday, Mr. Tim Curry!