Posts Tagged ‘Birthday Party’

Wurst Week

November 10, 2018

When I was seven, my birthday party was held at a restaurant called the Wiener King. They roped off an area for us kids and had hot dog shaped balloons and a hot dog shaped cake and banana splits with red bananas to make them look like hot dogs. We got hot dogs for lunch and even played “pin the wiener on the bun.”

Man, that was some seriously messed up Freudian shit.



Party Foul

August 15, 2017

Here’s a fun thing to do. Tell your kid that there’s a surprise birthday party for a cousin or friend of a friend or distant relative – someone the kid doesn’t know. Then take him or her to a Toys ‘R’ Us and look around for a present. Spend a long time looking and get something really cool you know your kid would like. Go home, wrap the present and make your child take a bath and get all dressed up. Then drive the young one over to Chuck E. Cheese or some fun park or bouncy castle party place and go inside. When you ask where the party for the cousin or whoever is, they staff will of course say that there isn’t one. You can then pretend to get really angry like you just wasted a whole day for nothing and then you can smash up the toy present and drag your kid back home and make him do chores. Ha ha ha ha! That would be pretty darn funny, right? No, no, wait. Er, no, not funny, what’s the word? Ah… cruel! Yep, pretty darn cruel. Heh heh. Yeeeeeeeah. Well, whatever floats your boat. I got issues.

Party All The Time

August 17, 2014

There was this kid in my seventh grade Social Studies class who had a birthday party every month. One month, he invited a bunch of guys over to his house for cake and ice cream, saying it was his 13th birthday. The next month, he sends out invitations to a bash at Chuck E. Cheese’s claiming he was turning twelve. The following month, he had a sleepover for his 15th. The next thing you know, he’s got a bunch of us at some public park under the pretense it was his 21st birthday and he wanted to kick off adulthood with “all his happening young pals.”

Why the subterfuge? The lies? Was this kid desperate for attention or friendship or popularity? No one ever found out. Understand, it’s not that we were stupid and didn’t realize we were being played for some odd reason. It’s just that we were all in the throes of puberty and he had a really hot mom. 

Really hot. 

Caren Kaye in My Tutor hot.


July 6, 2014

A memory I had long since suppressed just resurfaced for some reason.

It was summer of 1977 and I’m at my friend Eric’s birthday party. I liked Eric; he had a hot mom. And so, for his birthday, his hot mom took about a half dozen of us kids out for pizza and a movie. I wanted to see Smokey and the Bandit a second time because I knew it was awesome (at the very least, that new Star Wars thing people were talking about) … only I got overruled and outvoted and we ended up seeing For the Love of Benji, an experience I only barely survived by rooting for the evil Doberman Pinscher that pursues Benji. Seriously! For the Love of Benji! How awful is that!

Eric’s hot mom didn’t even sit with us.