Archive for August, 2018

Bed, Bath and Bemused

August 31, 2018

There’s a sign on the side of the road near where I live that advertises a Queen mattress for sale. It’s not a professional sign by any means; it’s one of those cheap plastic signs that people stick in the ground for yard sales and open houses. But it’s far cheaper than even those because it’s handwritten in magic marker. Queen Mattress for sale.

I see it at a pretty busy intersection every day and the most curious thing about this sign isn’t that it makes me wonder if anyone would ever actually buy a mattress from an ad on a handwritten sign they saw at an intersection but that I’ve been seeing it off and on for about three years now. Queen Mattress for sale. Same handwritten sign. Same crappy magic marker or felt tip. Same stupid message that gives virtually no details. After seeing this sign for years now I can’t help but conjure up a two very demanding questions.

1) Is it the same mattress? Perhaps someone keeps finding mattresses they want to sell. Maybe they work at a mattress store and manage to relieve the business of a bit of the merchandise to make a little extra cash. Or perhaps it honestly is the same damn mattress they’ve been trying to unload since before Obama left office. If so, why can’t they sell it? What’s wrong with it? Are they bad sales people or just horrible negotiators? Have they tried Craigslist? (more…)

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August 29 Trivia Rankings

August 30, 2018

The weather was hot but the trivia was hotter. In fact, it seems that last round may have been incendiary! Thanks to all the Quizlings who came out to play. Have a safe Labor Day and we’ll see you next week, okay?

This week we chatted about Neil Simon’s legacy (it’s not Rent), the proper way to raise your young’uns and what George Clooney would look like in a dress. But there was this wee flightless fowl as well…

TMWSparkyDevil

Now check out this week’s team rankings. #DogDaysOfTrivia continue into September!

Catsuit Fight! 67
Trump Needs Color By Numbers 63
Dogsuits Still OK, Right? 62
Crazy, Rich And Aging 62
1 Starving College Student 51
Too Bigly To Fail 50
Trump Switches To Bing 49
Show Me Your Kitties 46
Google The Devil So Unfair 45
Dan’s Inaugural Trivia 42
No Catsuit? Fine, I’ll Wear My Tutu 42
This One’s In The Books 39
Just Eat It 37
Switching From Pounds To Kilos Leads to Mass Confusion 37
The NYU Dads 35
The Nerdy Bunch 32
Super Troopers 28

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All Cereal Edition)

August 28, 2018

 

Five Failed General Mills Monster Cereals

Cthuloops

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Honey

Zombie Toast Crunch

Chupacabran

Invisible Man Berries

 

Five Snap, Crackle & Pop Associates

Pow

Wham

Plop

Pffft!

Kazoowie

 

Five Rejected Breakfast Cereals

Froot Poops

Marion Boo Berry

Grope-Nuts

Licky Charms

Fruit ‘n Favre

 

Five Signs Your Breakfast Cereal Is Possessed

The instant it’s poured, the milk turns to blood

The ghost on the Boo Berry box is real

Your Alpha-Bits spell out “Prince of Darkness” and “666”

Cap’n Crunch’s head rotates 360 degrees

The perfunctory Snap, Crackle, Pop is followed by a statement of what your mother sucks in hell

 

Five Cereal Mascot Crimes

Toucan Sam – Cocaine possession

The Trix Rabbit – Child endangerment

Alfie, Carlyle, Dave, Brunhilde and Seadog (S. S. Guppy Crew) – Mutiny

Count Chocula – Indecent Exposure

Tony the Tiger – Grrrrrrrrand Theft Auto

 

Bumper Crap

August 25, 2018

I was driving along the interstate a while back and I saw a car with the following on the bumper: NEVER TRUST A NURSE. Seriously. “Never Trust A Nurse.” Not the catchiest of slogans, if I may say so. And as far as bias goes I’ve never quite associated nurses with deserving the same hatred as, say, lawyers or reality TV stars. Certainly not as stereotypical as a prejudice against a country of origin or specific religion or a political party. But there it was, for the world to see – an anti-nurse pronouncement on the back of his ride, perfectly at home with the Visualize World Peace sticker or the American flag decal (had there been either).

I guess it’s interesting to note that this wasn’t a bumper sticker. No. This dude had apparently written Never Trust A Nurse in sharpie or something on the back of his bumper (I think it’s safe to say he couldn’t find a sticker with that sentiment for sale at Stuckey’s) because he felt so strongly about it. My instinct says it’s not a carte blanche distrust of the profession per se but highly personal. If I had to lay odds I’d say it probably involves a bumbling, brusque removal of a catheter somewhere along the way.

August 22 Trivia Rankings

August 23, 2018

Another wild and wonderful week of trivawesomeness thanks to the fantastic Quizlings who came out to play, some with doggies in tow. Keep up the good work and come back next Wednesday. #DogDaysOfTrivia continue through September and we’ll raffle off that gift basket on September 26 (must be present to win but why would not want to be present?).

This week, we broke Babe Ruth’s record, cleaned up Dodge City and shopped at a Prussian mall. Plus there was this apparently very forgettable pop hit from the turn of the century…

Now here are this week’s rankings. See how your team did.

Searching For Inner Pizza 67
The Band Is  Back in Town 66
Too Many To Win 66
Cohen Cohen Gone – Mike’s Outta Here 65
Trump 2020: 20 For Collusion, 20 For Obstruction 62
Show Me Your Kitties 62
You Can’t Find Good Henchmen These Days 61
Trump’s Cohen-oscopy 60
Did Anything Even Happen This Week? 59
Individual One Made Me Do It 59
Something Offensive 57
MAGA Making Attorneys Get Attorneys 51
Periodic Table Dancers 51
We Have No Idea What Our Team Name Will Be 48
The Truth Isn’t The Truth 47
Washington’s On Fire 43
We’re Just Here For The Beer 39

Slippery When – Whaaat?

August 20, 2018

I was out at some restaurant recently – y’know one of those that plays Spotify or Pandora – and I heard the old Bon Jovi song Wanted Dead or Alive. As I listened, the following verse raised an eyebrow:

“I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all.”

Really? A million faces and you rocked each and every single one of them? Assuming the math is correct and you honestly have seen a million faces, you mean to say there wasn’t one person who wasn’t rocked? I mean, there wasn’t one single guy who got dragged along by his girlfriend and stood there the entire concert, arms crossed, scowl on his face, while she danced and sang along to every song and even flashed Jon during Livin’ on a Prayer? Not one dude?! Hmmm. I find that hard to believe, Bon Jovi. Primarily because I was that guy.

Damn you, Courtney! Why couldn’t you love me as much as you did JBJ?!?!

bonjovi

Still Kinda Want

August 17, 2018

MTV-man-on-moon

MTV recently celebrated its 37th birthday. The Music TV Channel signed on August 1, 1981. So damn. Thirty-seven years.

Still. All the Lunar Astronauts and Beavis & Butt-head and Martha Quinn and Sifyl & Ollie and Remote Control and Britney Spears in a schoolgirl outfit still can’t even BEGIN to make up for the scourge that was Jesse Camp.

Seriously, MTV. You’ve got a hell of a lot to atone for there.

August 15 Trivia Rankings

August 16, 2018

Another wonderful week full of triviawesomeness! And I owe all to the wonderful Quizlings who came out to play – and some fantastic doggies to boot. #DogDaysOfTrivia

Next week: Get a raffle ticket by bringing a pooch to the patio or by showing me a photo of you dressed up as an animal. Could be an old Halloween costume or some neat-o cosplay or just that furry fetish you toyed around with during college (I ask no questions) – just show me the monkey (you dressed as one, that is)!

This week, we dined on Pop-Tarts and Slurpees, gave out some Nobel prizes and played some Tetris. What fun! Plus there was this Iron Horse memory…

Now here are this week’s team rankings. How’d your team do?

Bob Dylan Is Our Nemesis 71
Trump Administration: Insert Laugh Track Here 66
Honey, We’re Getting The Band Back Together 66
Fake News! I Said Vinegar! 65
Narcissist – Trump’s Other N-Word 64
Omaroasted 64
We Had Clearance, Clarance 61
Is It Just Me Or Is It Getting A Litte Autocratic In Here? 60
Trivia Clearance Revoked For Tweets Against Glen 60
Dog Daze 60
Team Names Are Trivial 58
I Got Catfished On Bumble 54
Funky Ducks 48
Spot’s Plan 47
It’s Wednesday, My Dudes 47
Krakatoa Judgment 43
We Should’ve Come Prepared 40

Much Ado About Muffin

August 14, 2018

CranberryMuffin

I had a muffin earlier. I like muffins. As Jerry Seinfeld once said, “A muffin can be very filling.” I unwrapped the muffin and discovered that there was a second paper cup underneath. That happens sometimes, y’know – a double wrapped muffin or cupcake. And you peel back that thin paper or foil veneer and realize slowly yet suddenly that there’s yet more to reveal. It’s exciting! Right? Exciting and yet disheartening. At first, it’s like you’ve uncovered a special prize, something baked just for you. Then you realize that you’ve only gotten halfway to the point of eating the pastry and you have to keep unwrapping to have your delicious, delicious prize. Suddenly, you’re overwhelmed by the horrid, ridiculous thought: what if this is like one of those Russian nesting dolls and I keep removing wrappers until eventually there’s only a teeny tiny muffin at the center. But that’s silly, of course. However, the dread persists. What if I don’t have the right to eat this muffin? What if – by the virtue of it being doubled wrapped – this muffin has presented itself in such a rare light that, by eating it, I nullify the uniqueness? Surely, this second skin signifies a muffin above and beyond, one that deserves to survive. But, considering the baser nature of our will, our desires, our hunger, this muffin with something extra is nothing more than a tease – a suggestive sweet roll that sheds its layers provocatively one at a time until there is nothing to hide and its flaky, crusty goodness is laid bare. The mind reels. The imagination soars. The determination wavers.

Of course, at the end of the day it’s just a stupid muffin and I ate the hell out of that sucker.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

August 10, 2018

 

Five Hipster Books

To Kale a Mockingbird

From Here to Urban Outfitters

A Beard Grows In Brooklyn

Their Eyes Were Watching Wes Anderson

The Artisanal Grapes of Wrath

 

Five Euphemisms For Pregnancy

In the family way

Up the duff

Go Go Gadget Zygote!

Cribbin’ the ute

Pulling a Duggar

 

Five Reasons to Hate Winnie the Pooh

He’s not a real bear

He got his stupid head stuck in a honey jar

He hunted the heffalump to extinction

He smells like wet stuffing

He poohs in the woods

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Leave on a ferry, Gary.

Grab an axe and decapitate, Nate.

Shove her bloody face in, Jason.

Dose her with strychnine, er –uh, Rick … stein.

Get your gun and shart shootin’, Putin.

 

Five Retroactive Product Placements in Movies

“Well I got her number. How do you like them Snapples?”

“They call me Mister Pibbs!”

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinet.”

“As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again – thanks to Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine!”

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some BUSH’s Baked Beans and a nice Franzia, the wine in a box.”