Archive for December, 2007

Voter Reprobation

December 31, 2007

I heard on the news that the Presidential election in Kenya has spurred rioting after the ruling party declared victory in a disputed ballot amid allegations of vote tampering.  Apparently opposition forces believe that President Mwai Kibaki rigged the election and should step down and answer for the fraud perpetrated by his administration.

And all the time I couldn’t help but think that Kibaki should just settle the whole damn thing by having the Supreme Court justices that his daddy and his daddy’s cronies installed declare him the winner. 

I mean, uh, that’s how it’s done, right?

Jerky Boys

December 29, 2007

Bill Maher names the biggest dickheads of the year.  Huzzah!

Obviously some strong language because A) it’s Bill Maher and B) the word dickhead is in the title.

Perchance To Dream…

December 28, 2007

I had a dream last night that I got a charley horse in my right leg. Then I woke up – and I had a charley horse in my right leg!

Now, that may not seem strange to you but I’m obsessed over this. Did I get a charley horse and did that physical pain infiltrate my dream much like a song on the radio moments before you wake? OR – did my dream self experience the leg cramp and then did that dreamstate influence my physical reality? I’ve heard that if you fall in a dream you’ll die in real life. And the mind is a powerful organ to be sure. So which came first? The charley horse or the dream?

Yeah, I think philosophers will be debating this one for centuries.

                                 Sparky MacMillan is one hell of a nice animal, frequently mistaken for meatloaf.

I Smell Bacon!

December 28, 2007

A bacon flow chart?  Yes.  Click here for pork product goodness.

Man, I’m a vegetarian but even I find this tasty!

Forked

December 26, 2007

Just discovered this German workplace safety video that may as well have been directed by Sam Peckinpah. 

It’s around nine minutes long, but you can fast forward to Klaus’ first day on the job (about 2 minutes in) where the Teutonic Tool assures us all that the incredible Germanic standards exemplified by Col. Klink and Sgt. Schultz at Stalag 17 are still in play.

10 Things About Christmas That Really Bug Me

December 25, 2007

I know, I know. “Bah humbug,” right?  No.  Hardly.  I’m not in this to demean the season.  Christmas is cool.  But there are definitely a few things about it that really bug me.  Not the lines and mall parking lots and how people seem to forget how to drive the last few days before the big day.  No, those really piss me off too.  I’m talking the odd things here and there that most people wouldn’t even think twice about.  Like a stupid conversation at the table next to you while you’re dining out, these things just annoy me to the point that my holiday experience in toto is diminished.

Everything’s Closed.  “We will be closed on December 25 so that we can spend Christmas with our families.”  Really?  Honestly?  What about people without families?  What about those folks who don’t celebrate Christmas?  Shouldn’t they be working?  No way.  Christmas is a holiday and pretty much everyone takes it off regardless of religion or intent.  Like how you willingly take Memorial Day off but don’t bother even a second to remember the men and women who’ve sacrificed for our country while you grill hot dogs and sun yourself at the beach.  Not that I begrudge anyone a day off but I just resent having to limit my cuisine choices to Chinese food if I choose to dine out on 12/25.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.  Well, keep it to yourself.  I’m sick of hearing about it.  You want snow?  Then you want traffic fatalities and freezing temps and ice storms and old people being stacked up like cordwood.  Snow sucks.  You like snow?  Move to Greenland!

The music.  Sure Yule ditties like Wonderful Christmastime and Feliz Navidad, just to name two, should be lumped in with water boarding as forms of torture, but I can narrow down my seasonal bile to one song, one moment that so irks me I can barely type this because it makes me think of it.  Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree.  The original Brenda Lee version.  I try to block it out of my memory but it’s when she sings, “Rockin’ around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop.” Then there’s this note – this evil note – that sounds like some instrument being strangled.  It goes up in pitch a bit.  I can’t even describe it.  I don’t know music well enough to understand its origins.  I only know that were I certain what instrument made this sound I might go on a one-man crusade to destroy each and every one of them to ensure this sound was never recreated ever again.

Naughty or nice.  Even as a kid, this moral absolute bothered me.  I could be pretty good all year but do one bad thing and all that good was cancelled out?  How naughty did you have to be?  I mean, I knew some nasty bullies that always seemed to get stuff from Santa every year.  What the heck was the fat man’s criteria?  And no one ever got coal or switches.  The whole thing seemed like nothing more than a way for parents to control their kids.  Which it was.

The Nutcracker. Don’t get it.  Never will.  It’s ballet.  Church is bad enough – now I have to watch ballet?  Dammit.

The science of Santa.  It never fails.  Every year some goon releases statistics on how fast Santa’s sleigh would have to travel to make his rounds and how, using wormholes and tesseracts and whatnot, he could actually deliver the presents in one night – and even how, through genetic engineering, possibly create a flying reindeer.  Every year.  IT’S PRETEND, YOU UBER-GEEKS!  At the very least, it’s magic.  So shut the hell up.

Which brings me to …

Legit news going soft to track Santa.  I just went to CNN’s web site.  On the front page is the headline “Santa makes first US stop in Florida.”  NORAD is tracking Santa, they claim.  I even heard on NPR earlier that the US government had lifted airspace restrictions to allow Santa to fly on his rounds.  Again: IT’S PRETEND, PEOPLE!!!!!  I’m all for creating a mystique for kids but I resent the lessening of legitimate journalism through fictitious means.  Somehow I just don’t see Edward R. Murrow making up this crap.

A Christmas Carol. Not that it’s a bad story.  Hell, it’s a great story!  Wonderful characters and bits and Dickens proved he was The Man!  But every time I read it or hear it read or see it portrayed, I can’t help but think that Scrooge was really a great big a-hole and that he was the last person on Earth to deserve such a wholesale shot at redemption by the entire netherworld. 

It’s a Wonderful Life rip-offs. Every sitcom seems to do one.  Every character seems to have that George Bailey moment.  Every one of us, we are led to believe, has a guardian angel ever ready to make us see the light.  Which, of course, is complete BS.  Would the world really be worse off if Boner from Growing Pains had never been born?  Don’t know.  Love to find out though.

Tangerines and nuts in stockings. Lame.  Just bloody lame.  Even Tiny Tim wasn’t this lame.

Sparky MacMillan still wants a hula hoop.

A Merry Messy Kweznuz

December 22, 2007

Sorry not a lot of posts this week. Been gift wrapping at area bookstores to help raise money for charity. Very tired. Will post more soon.  For now, here’s a mad collection of odd links to keep you occupied (not unlike France in WWII)…

Let’s start off with the Top 20 Viral Videos of 2007. A look back at all the otters, beauty pageant contestants and chocolate rain one year can dish out.

And if watching online vids weren’t bad enough, you can check out 50 Nerdy Things To Do Before You Die. To which I just scoff, “Only 50? Amateurs!”

And to prove that remark, I steer you to The Sci Fi Sounds Quiz, on which I scored 85%!

Of course, we can’t finish the year without a recollection of 2007’s Most Memorable Quotes!

And since it is the holiday season, enjoy A Very Walken Christmas.  Did I say, “enjoy?” I meant, “be slightly disturbed by…”

If you saw The Simpsons Movie, then you should appreciate this rendition of Spider-Pig.  If you didn’t see The Simpsons Movie, then you should still get a kick out of this.

Finally, Carl’s still pissed.  And this time The Mitchell Report is the source of his tirade.

All right.  That’s it for now. I’m going on, like, no sleep!  NO SLEEP!!!

Have a Happy Holiday, a Merry Christmas, a Fruitful Kwanzaa, a Sober Boxing Day, a Frivolous New Year and a Staggering Elvis’ Birthday!

Sparky MacMillan is literally on a roller coaster to Hell.

The Most Dangerous Lame

December 12, 2007

If your intent is to provide a sincere warning that will prevent accidents, then you’ve missed the mark.  However, if your intent is to make people laugh, then spot on, mate!

danger.jpg

The warning sign “Danger: Avoid Death” has been picked as the most obvious warning label in M-LAW’s annual Wacky Warning Label Contest.  Other runners-up include “Do not iron while wearing shirt” and “Do not put child in bag.”

Point being: people is dumb.  And easily amused.

Bonus web site: Make your own warning label at http://www.warninglabelgenerator.com/.  Cheers!

He Said, She Said

December 11, 2007

Got a few minutes to kill? 

Take this TV Catchphrase Quiz at http://television.aol.com/tv-trivia-quiz/tv-catchphrases

“Mmm mmm. Time for pie” strangely absent.

Santa Is A Jerk!

December 11, 2007