Archive for July, 2014

Ten Random Things That Have Kept Me Awake At Night

July 31, 2014

Ebola

The Woman in Black.

Dollar store mayonnaise.

How sad is it that someone named Chuck can never play “The Name Game.”

That damn “Wiggle” song.

Was that white deer fawn I saw in my backyard just a genetic fluke or something more Satanic? Does it know I’m thinking about it right now? Will it come to steal my soul? WHAT’S THAT NOISE?!

Charli XCX – is it pronounced Charli Ex-See-Ex or does she not understand how Roman Numerals work and she thinks it’s Charli One Hundred?

Those Siberian holes.

That freaky CEI transforming robot.

If I’d been able to “Draw Tippy” from the TV Guide when I was 10 I could have gotten a scholarship to the Art Institutes of America and I’d be a famous artist now and my life wouldn’t totally suck!

Advertisements

Famous Last Words

July 29, 2014

When I die … on my deathbed … I plan to say, “I wish I’d spent more time at the office.”

Yeah.  I’m a rebel like that.

If Life Gives You Lemons…

July 27, 2014

Every summer there’s at least one story about some kid somewhere in these United States of America who sets up a lemonade stand and runs afoul of “the man.” You know, some bureaucrat who wants to rain on some poor snowflake’s free trade parade by citing laws and ordinances and zoning and sanitation and crap. Bad, bad big brother government and its rush to squash the hopes of the little guy or gal, some moppet with grand plans and a pitcher of sour, lemony goodness in a front yard or at the end of a cul-de-sac. Let wee Susie sell her delicious refreshment, the public cries! Leave little Larry alone and allow him to learn the free enterprise system in a wholesome and innocent way!

Of course it’s all utter shite. (more…)

Zero Dark Turdy

July 25, 2014

While I have a hard time believing this is something Don Draper would approve of, I have to admire the sheer – ah, intestinal fortitude of the agency behind this laxaxtive ad…

backtostool

Yep. That’s a bunch of turds stuck in a prison, counting the days to release. Thank you so much, Dulcolax, for ensuring that I will dream of incarcerated stool tonight.

Give Peas A Chance

July 23, 2014

At dinner, my son, Jake, who unlike most kids his age absolutely loves his veggies, finished all his green peas. Meanwhile, his sister, Maxine, who doesn’t throw off the finicky kid curve, hadn’t touched hers. So Jake tried to sneak a few peas off his sister’s plate but Maxine would have none of it, despite the fact he was only after the stuff she didn’t want. His mom and I chastised him for bothering his sister and told him to stay on his own plate. Jake then shouted, “But I want HER peas!” To which my wife fired back, “Well, date a few sorority chicks when you get to college.”

Man, I love that woman.

Over The Moon

July 20, 2014

Forty-five years ago, Neil Armstrong took “one giant leap for mankind.” A momentous occasion by anybody’s reckoning. In the intervening years, our species has visited its satellite merely a handful of times. (Well, handful if you’ve got six fingers, I guess.)

And while everyone is busy celebrating this incredible anniversary, I’m left to scream “Where the hell is my moon city?!” Seriously! Like just about everybody back in the sixties and early seventies thought Apollo was only the beginning. First, the moon, then Mars, then it’s a Star Trek world! With flying cars and space vacations and teleportation!

What the heck happened? I want to be able to go to the airport and say, “One ticket to the moon, please” and have them say, “Do you have your moon visa?” And I’ll say, “Of course!” And they’ll say, ” Have you been inoculated for moon fever?” “Oh, yes, of course.” And then I’ll get on the hover walkway and go to the terminal where the space-stewardesses will show me to my rocket chair and off to the moon I go! Three … two … one … blast off!!!! Zzzzzzooooooom! Whoosh! (more…)

Mystery Meat

July 18, 2014

Driving by a Golden Corral restaurant near my house and I saw this incredible display on the sign outside:

 

                            STEAK WITH WINGS $12.99

 

Who knew steak had wings? I guess this is why I’m a vegetarian.

No, No, He’s Stunned…

July 16, 2014

Fantastic promotion for Monty Python Live (Mostly) event at the O2 …

dead-parrot-hed-2014

Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue. Beautiful plumage.

Fallen Arches

July 16, 2014

There’s something I need to say and I need to say it to each and every one of you non-fanboys that’s gotcher panties in a wad over the death of all-American teenager Archie Andrews.

SETTLE THE HELL DOWN!

First of all, it ain’t real. Even the most deluded geekazoid that slabs every issue of X-Men and dreams of asking She-Hulk to his high school prom knows deep in his heart that comic books are not really real. So stop your blubbering, histrionics and “How could they?!” indignation. It’s not real.

Just leave the funnybooks to the nerds you made fun of in high school and go about your business. Besides, even in the comic book sense it’s not real because it’s not even happening in the long running Archie series but in an offshoot alternate reality series and comics do this all the time with Imaginary stories and Elseworld sagas and What Ifs and out of continuity limited series and – is your head hurting? Point made! Leave comics to the fanboys that have been supporting ’em since we were in short pants. Me, I’ve used vacation time to go to comic conventions, stood in line to talk to favorite creators and debated friends about who is stronger or hotter or better or who would win in a fight – and that’s just in the last calendar month – so back the hell down.

And my prom date, She-Hulk, agrees.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

July 14, 2014

Five Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Flavors

Rainforest Crunk

Phish Poop

Hubby Chubby

Upchucky Monkey

Cherry Andy Garcia

 

Five More Things Brazil Lost

Virginity

A game of Candyland

The keys to the liquor cabinet

The baby weight

Its dignity

 

Five Soup Musicals

Annie Get Your Gumbo

Gazpacho and Dolls

The Music Minestrone

The 25th Annual Putnam County Split Pea

Thoroughly Modern Mulligatawny

 

Five Signs Your Piano Teacher Hates You

She makes you play scales wearing boxing gloves

Smacks your hands with a ruler when you screw up – and when you get something right

You say, “Hello” and she screams, “BEETHOVEN HATES YOU!”

The black keys are rigged to deliver an electric shock

The metronome lodged up your backside

 

Five Intelligent Ape Complaints

Human chattel smell like urine and BO.

A backful of nits and no one to pick ‘em off.

That bastard on the beach yelling by that statue thingy.

Gibbons. Am I right, simians?

Andy Serkis thinks he’s all that and a bag of banana chips.