FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Back To School Edition)

August 25, 2017

Five Embarrassing School Memories

Spit Up Milk On Teacher – 9th Grade

Mispronounced “Comfortable” When Narrating Film Strip – 1st Grade

Fly Open During Oral Report – 11th Grade

Danced As Christmas Tree In Holiday Pageant – 2nd Grade

Accidentally Killed A Substitute Teacher – 5th Grade

 

Five Awesome School Supplies

Pen With Four Colors Of Ink

Erasers Shaped Like Animals

Fully Loaded Backpack

New Kids On The Block Lunchbox

The Trapper Keeper

 

Five Rejected Prom Themes

Midnight On Parris Island

A Black & Blue Ball

One Infected Evening

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

Entrapment Under The Sea

 

Five Stupid Thesis Topics

The Films Of Adam Sandler As A Metaphor For The Cold War

Grandma’s Menopause

The Jerky Boys: Where Are They Now?

Mad Libs and Women’s Lib

Fire In The Hole: The History Of Spicy Curry

 

Five Signs Your Teacher Loves You

He slips you notes in class

Asks you to stay behind every day for an entire semester

When you answer a question, he asks you to repeat it – but slower and “make your voice a little more breathy”

During lunch, she stands outside the cafeteria holding a boombox like John Cusack in “Say Anything”

She grades you on her curves

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August 23 Trivia Rankings

August 23, 2017

Well, we managed to stave off Greg Fishel’s wrath and enjoy another week of rain-free trivia. We talked of Tay Tay’s latest, citrus fruit origins and a potential senator from the Wolverine State. And then there was this game…

Now here are this week’s team rankings.

If I Was Married To Trump I’d Stare At The Sun Too 67
Is Everybody Ready For The Eclipse? 67
Blind In One Eye – Totally Worth It 63
Trump Bravely Stares Down Sun #FakeOptometry 62
Allison And Simon Get Married Next Week 60
We Pay A Lot For Trump’s Security But More For His Insecurity 60
Blinded By The Light 59
The Brandt Berry Book Bunch 56
A Nosy Pepper Is Jalapeno Business 55
It’ll Come To Me 54
Snoopy Sneakers 53
We’re Just Here For The Ice Cream 53
The Wet Boys 53
The British Invasion 50
5 Dogs, 1 Park 49
The Shining Stars 44
Woogle Mart 41
Eclipsed 40
The Honey Bees 29

In The Bag

August 21, 2017

I was telling some pals about this old commercial I remembered for the Food Lion chain of grocery stores featuring Michael Jordan. It aired back in the 1980s so I was willing to admit that I had recalled it incorrectly. However I found it online and, nope, I was right: Michael Jordan shoplifted.

Look carefully. He tosses the produce while still shopping but it doesn’t land in his bag until after he pays! Whoosh! “That’s a three-pointer!” Nope, that’s a misdemeanor! And I’m aware this was relatively early in his NBA career but you know he could still have afforded it. Oh sure, I hear you saying that he probably told the cashier to ring him up for the head of lettuce that was attempting re-entry because he’s just an upstanding guy and all but I think the far likelier scenario is: Whoosh! “Hey, uh, Michael, you wanna pay for that produce?” “I’m Michael Jordan! I know Dean Smith! Get the hell outta my face!” Yeah, that’s right! Own the crime, MJ! We got it on film! It’s a crime only slightly less bold than your baseball career and – uh – damn, I can’t do this anymore.

I know he didn’t shoplift. I know he’s a great guy. It’s just that I went to UNC-Chapel Hill and I’m not saying that I was that anxious freshman standing outside Carmichael gym, holding out a notebook and hoping for an autograph as you breezed by after basketball practice with your teammates, probably on your way to Mr. Gatti’s or Four Corners or some place ultra-cool – I’m just saying that sometimes our idols hurt us and all the crying and tear-stained pillows won’t make up for the fact that I had your poster, Michael! That one where you had your hands all stretched out and it took up and entire wall of my dorm room! I loved you, man! Maybe it was a guy crush, maybe it was something a little more that scared me back then and I’m still a little reluctant to talk about now, but I loved you! You couldn’t return one phone call or letter or sign one Carolina jersey?

Dammit. Now I’m all worked up about it. Still. Not too late to make amends.

Call me, Michael. We can still be BFF! It’s not too late!

 

Dream Loather

August 18, 2017

I had a dream last night where I was taking a class and I wasn’t prepared. Yeah, still have those; I’m guessing I’ll still have ’em when I’m 80! Anyway I showed up and the professor says that everyone has to pick an oral report topic. Well, in the dream, I’ve missed some classes and I’m behind so I don’t know what topic to pick or what the format is or anything. It appears to be a Roman history class and the reports are generally on the dry side so I figure, I’m a performer – I’ll do some dramatic reading or comedy piece, maybe Julius Caesar as Frank Sinatra or something, and the class’ll be so impressed that I didn’t just stand up and read my damn paper that I’ll ace it!

And then Hugh Jackman gets up. Yes, Hugh bloody Jackman. Apparently he’s in my class and he gives his oral report as this singing, dancing, Broadway showcase of his incredible talents. It’s The Life of Julius Caesar as interpreted by the multi-talented Wolverine himself and it is amazing. He even has Halle Berry and Famke Janssen do cameos at the end to help him out. And the class and the professor go absolutely wild. A standing ovation for Jackman.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting there, mouth agape, saying to myself, “Dammit! Now everyone will think I copied Hugh Jackman!”

Yeah, I know it was just a dream but I’m still pissed off. Hugh effin’ Jackman. Never had a problem with the guy until now. Freakin’ showoff. Almost makes me wanna take Kate & Leopold outta my Netflix queue. (Hey, I said “almost.”)

August 16 Trivia Rankings

August 16, 2017

55 questions! 2 tiebreakers! 2 Bonus Round bonus questions! 23 teams! ONE AWESOME NIGHT OF TRIVIA!!!

Thanks to all the folks who came out to play. Hope you enjoyed the ice cream and trivia and prizes as much as we did dispensing them to all you lovely Quizlings.

What happened? We got Stressed Out, had a Manic Monday, dug up some fossils and got some balls a-poppin’. Plus there was this obscure bit of sketch comedy…

Now here are the team rankings for the week.

No, I Don’t Have Eclipse Glasses 69
Pluto: Never Forget 67
Queen Antifa 67
Gosh, The World Sucks. At Least I Still Like My Cat. 66
Somebody Stole Our Team Name 65
Make America Eclipse Again 65
Enough With The Nazis Have You Tried My Wine 63
We Punch Nonsense 60
Give Me A Brownie Or I’ll Blot Out The Sun On Monday 58
Snapes On A Plane 57
1/4 Of Our Team Is In The 3rd Grade 56
Llama Lords Of Science 55
There Were Great Trivia Answers On All Sides 54
Nostalgia Ain’t What It Used To Be 52
The Marinara Brothers 49
Moderate Fringe 48
I Like To Know The Facts Before I Answer 47
Spider-Pig 45
Youngbloods 44
Greg The Gender Fluid Merperson 44
Our Casey Is Always Late 41
I Thought You’d Be Taller 38
The Hindenburg Disaster: 1999 Edition 32

Party Foul

August 15, 2017

Here’s a fun thing to do. Tell your kid that there’s a surprise birthday party for a cousin or friend of a friend or distant relative – someone the kid doesn’t know. Then take him or her to a Toys ‘R’ Us and look around for a present. Spend a long time looking and get something really cool you know your kid would like. Go home, wrap the present and make your child take a bath and get all dressed up. Then drive the young one over to Chuck E. Cheese or some fun park or bouncy castle party place and go inside. When you ask where the party for the cousin or whoever is, they staff will of course say that there isn’t one. You can then pretend to get really angry like you just wasted a whole day for nothing and then you can smash up the toy present and drag your kid back home and make him do chores. Ha ha ha ha! That would be pretty darn funny, right? No, no, wait. Er, no, not funny, what’s the word? Ah… cruel! Yep, pretty darn cruel. Heh heh. Yeeeeeeeah. Well, whatever floats your boat. I got issues.

It Was 40 Years Ago Today

August 11, 2017

[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1977 on my old Usenet site, “Sparky Mac’s Super Special Ultra Groovy Love Machine”…]

It was shaping up to be a pretty good year.

That real square Son of Sam was finally off the streets. The Alaskan pipeline was making sure the energy crisis was a thing of the past. I got to return from Canada thanks to the Prez from Plains. I came one step closer to living the Jetsons life when I picked me up one of those groovy Apple IIs. I even got that dy-no-mite Kiss comic that Marvel put out with the group’s very own blood in the ink. And to top it all off I discovered the most outta sight piece of celluloid fantasy Tinseltown has ever seen fit to lay on us masses – “Star Wars!” (And before you ask, I’ve seen it nine times. It’s the coolest, man! Luke and Leia are the bossest screen couple since Bogey and Bacall. And back off, Solo! She’s obviously Luke’s squeeze!)

Anyway, as I said, it _was_ shaping up to be a pretty good year. Now, I just got some really bad news which all but ruins the whole dang decade (even moreso than that over-hyped bicentennial barf last year). Hold onto your hats, gang – here it is:

Farrah Fawcett is leaving “Charlie’s Angels!”

No, that’s not a mistake. I just read the article in TV Guide and I’m one POed cat! In fact, I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore! How in hades is this show going to continue?! How will television go on?! How will I ever look forward to Wednesday nights again?! NO FARRAH!?!? Say it ain’t so! I mean, it’s bad enough that ABC is losing “The Bionic Woman” to that jive Peacock and that they’ve taken “The Captain And Tennille” off the air, but to lose Ms. Fawcett as well is just too heavy, man. I can’t deal. Somebody’s cruisin’ for a brusin’!

Sure we’ll have her groovy posters and t-shirts and she says she wants to do more movies but I saw “Logan’s Run” and if you blink you miss her. [And forgive the aside but what a head trip that movie was. Sanctuary and killing people at thirty! That’s like old, man. I _should_ be killed when I get that ancient and gross and uncool.] Why can’t the blonde goddess just be happy with her life? She’s one of “Charlie’s Angels,” man! One of the foxiest ladies on the planet! And she’s married to that Six Million Dollar Man hunk too! Who couldn’t be happy with all that?

So, please, Farrah Fawcett. Please stay on “Charlie’s Angels.” If it’s the bread, mama, then I urge you to reconsider and think of your fans. There’s a lot of horny guys out here who need you each and every week to give flight to our far out fantasies, babe. And there ain’t no replacement Angel who could ever fill your wings.

To quote super rockers Firefall: “You are the woman that I’ve always dreamed of. I knew it from the start. I saw your face and that’s the last I’ve seen of my heart.”

Right on!  

                      Sparky MacMillan was born on a summer day 1951 and with a slap of a hand he had landed as an only son.

August 9 Trivia Rankings

August 9, 2017

Thanks to all the wonderful Quizlings who came out to play Wednesday night. I hope you enjoyed the All Glen Campbell Edition of Tomato Jake’s Trivia!

For those who missed it, we learned that the divorce rate is higher than one but lower than many expected. We also learned about the sport the Basque government called the fastest in the world (and how to spell it). And we learned why Sparky is getting a lot of weird pop-ups on his PC.

Plus there was this blast from the past…

Now let’s see how your team did this week.

Trivia Like This World Has Never Seen 71
Korean War 2: Nuclear Boogaloo 69
Guam But Not Forgotten 69
Earth, Wind And Fire & Fury 69
Duke Nukem School Of Diplomacy 66
The Wichita Linemen 66
What Happens If You Don’t Write ‘Round 4’ On The Handout Round? 66
We Should Have Read The Fine Print On That Cubs World Series 65
Are You Ready For Some Football? 65
Big Papa Papa John’s Rewards Club 63
I Walked Past Her Eyelashes On The Floor For Two Days 61
Put A Read Dot Here  —–> 58
Answering Questions With Fire And Fury 56
Ten Of Clubs, Your Order Is Ready 55
Colleen Is Contagious 54
Last Week’s 2nd Place Team 53
A Team Has No Name 52
Guam With The Wind 48
Periodic Table Dancers 46
Our Boyfriend’s Are Better At Team Names But they Were Late 41
VBF’S 36
We Suck At This 34
That Time The Moon Photobombed The Sun 29
North Korea’s Weakness 26

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Game Of Thrones Edition)

August 7, 2017

 

Five Lesser Daenerys Targaryen Titles

The Bellicose Blonde

She Who Must Be Obeyed

Westeros’ Top Model

Queen of All Double Dragon Players

Terminator Genisys Apologist

 

Five George R. R. Martin Excuses For Not Writing

Windows 10 keeps crashing

Writer’s block … or brain freeze … er, which one do you get from eating ice cream?

Even I can’t keep all these meshuga characters straight

Trying to research the sex scenes but no one will have sex with me

I just love to make slobbering fanboys wait

 

Five Things Jon Snow Will Never Say

Enough fighting – let’s mamba!

I’m all out of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!

That wall looks a little high … and I’ve got a touch of vertigo.

Kiss me, Littlefinger.

Holy crap – I really do know nothing!

 

Five Game of Thrones Breakfast Cereals

Wester-Os

Hodor Puffs

Unsullied Oats

Raven Bran

The Cereal Has No Name

 

Five Things A Dumb Guy Watching GoT Says 

I’m not sure them dragons is real.

If it’s winter why don’t they just put on a sweater?

If my sister looked like Cersei, I’d do her too.

Where the hell’s Gandalf?

I wish “Ballers” was on.

 

If Wishes Were Hippies

August 4, 2017

There was a time when everything was groovy and people thought it was a nifty idea to encourage kids to grow up to be redwood trees. Many people were high and most of them were full of themselves and lava lamps and love beads and waterbeds were used without irony in this magical time. This was the 1970s, an era that gave us the SuperFriends and H. R. Pufnstuf and Hong Kong Phooey and stream of consciousness fare like this – Make A Wish. Seriously, this was a show. For children. And it was wonderful!