Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category


March 16, 2018


Five Forgotten ABC Afterschool Specials

My Mother Is My Substitute Teacher

I Was a Flintstone Vitamin Addict

Ringworm: My Silent Shame

Confessions of a Teenage Dairy Queen

Our Love Is Forbidden: The Donny & Marie Story


Five Lesser Known St. Patrick’s Day Traditions

Green beards

Walking with a potato between your knees

Screaming like a banshee when anyone plays Sinead O’Connor

Tickling strangers on the bus

“Slapping the Black Pudding”


Five Reasons to Sleep Late

An awesome dream about that supermodel you like

You desperately want to avoid a meeting a work

Your new Sleep Number® bed

The paralysis

If you get up, you’ll wake the Gorgon


Five Signs Your Waiter Is In Love With You

He takes your order and giggles like a schoolgirl

He fistfights another server to get your table

Blissful sighs emanating from the soda refill station

He hand feeds you your dessert

Side dishes shaped into hearts


Five Rejected McDonaldland Characters


Hot Apple Pierre

Shamrock Shakey

The McDLTease

The Hammolester




March 10, 2018


Five TV Shows That Helped Me Get Through Puberty

WKRP in Cincinnati

Solid Gold

General Hospital

The Facts of Life



Five Rarely-Used Twitter Hashtags







Five Rejected Monopoly Tokens

A dozen Grade A eggs


Half-eaten box of Fiddle Faddle

An inflamed duodenum

Bucket of chum


Five Forgotten Tourist Attractions

Jimmy Carter’s birthmark

Largest Merkin West of the Mississippi

Old Indiana Pacers burial ground

Dolly Parton’s first training bra

Iowa corn maze in the shape of Mamie Eisenhower


Five Dr. Seuss Pickup Lines

Horton hears a hottie!

Wanna hop on pop?

I’d like to get this fox outta her socks.

Oh, the places you’ll go.

There’s a wocket in my pocket!



January 29, 2018


Five First Date Conversation Killers

Story of redundant spleen removal

Euthanasia of elderly relatives

Scientology and/or Libertarianism


Costco-sized Lamisil supply in the back seat


Five Little Known Air Bud Sequels

Air Bud: Mixed Martial Arfs

Air Bud: Lord Stanley’s Pup

Air Bud: His Masters Tournament

Air Bud: Five for Biting

Air Bud: Closest to the Pinscher


Five People Whose Names I’ve Forgotten

My first girlfriend from 3rd grade

The lead singer of that band who opened for Pat Benatar (and the band as well)

My nanny

That woman in London on the roof of the youth hostel

All the guys who dated my mom (junior high and earlier)


Five New Days Of The Week I’d Like To See





The Weeknd


Five Video Game Character Fears

Fear of Italians – Donkey Kong

Fear of heights – Q*bert

Fear of Mike Tyson biting his ear off – Little Mac (Punch-Out!)

Fear of being voiced by Urkel – Sonic the Hedgehog

Fear of being enslaved by Keebler – Link (Legend of Zelda)


Five Random Five

January 15, 2018


Five Noises That Frighten Me

Balloons popping

Snakes hissing

Sound of a pump-action shotgun

Unexplained scratches under my bed at night

Nickelback on the radio


Five Rarely-Used Condiment-Derived Adjectives







Five Reasons Not To Tip Your Waiter


The dessert arrives before the appetizer

He coughs in your face and laughs like a hyena

His BO is more pungent than your garlic curry

It’s a dine and dash!


Five Odd Things To Keep In Your Crisper Drawer

Leather falconry gauntlets

A calcified granuloma

A chastity belt

A copy of The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers #2

Actor J. K. Simmons


Five Muppet Mistakes

Getting drunk at Christmas Party & telling Kermit what you really think of him

Sharing a hot tub with Kevin Clash

Machine washing & not dry cleaning

Taking Henson’s name in vain

Biting the hand that fills you


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (New Year’s Edition)

January 1, 2018


Five New Year’s Songs

What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve – Harry Connick, Jr.

Kiss Me at Midnight – *NSYNC

It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve – Barry Manilow

Funky New Year – Eagles

Auld Lang Syne – Jimi Hendrix (Live at the Fillmore East)


Five Resolutions I’m Making

Take dance lessons

Drink a smoothie a day

Remove the fifth corner from the spare room

Renew subscription to The American Philatelist

Embarrass my kids more


Five Little-Known New Year’s Superstitions

Feed a hobo crackers to ensure prosperity

Shave a dog’s hindquarters for good luck

Keep a sock full of nutmeg in your pants and your true love will find you

Shout a secret to keep it

To prove a point, write your name on a rock and throw it at a politician


Five Baby New Year Fears

Father Time will forget to change his diaper

He’ll get shown up by that Vietnamese Baby Tết


His ears are too big (Rudolph’s Shiny New Year only)

A Kardashian may be his mom


Five Dumb Guy Predictions for 2018

Disco will make a comeback

Obama will be re-elected in a landslide

The apes will rise at last

Canada will become the 47th US state

People will finally stop complaining about crap they can’t change



December 4, 2017

Five Failed General Mills Monster Cereals

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Honey

Invisible Man Berries

Zombie Toast Crunch


Creature from the Bran Lagoon


Five Zebra Fears


Stripes make them look fat

Global warming

There’ll be a Racing Stripes II


Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words




Vagus nerve

Madden Football


Five Regrettable Purchases

The Boogie Bass

Stale Girl Scout Cookies

Bell bottoms

Rental insurance

Ticket for The Emoji Movie


Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Just stop tryin’, Ryan.

Hit yourself repeatedly with a rake, Blake.

Hide in a closet and be really quiet, Wyatt.

Take off on a stolen Schwinn, Flynn.

Cook her up in a pot and eat her, Peter.


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1970s Edition)

October 30, 2017

[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1979 on my old ARPANET site: “Sparky’s Far Out Dy-no-mite Funkadelic Super Rockin’ Heavy Scene”]


Five TV Characters Cooler Than The Fonz

Vinnie Barbarino

Buck Rogers

Venus Flytrap

The White Shadow

Tie: Bo Duke / Luke Duke


Five Trends That Need To Go Away

Pet Rocks


CB Radios




Five Foxy Ladies I’d Marry Now If They Asked

Lynda Carter

Linda Ronstadt

Loni Anderson

Olivia Newton-John

All Of Charlie’s Angels (Except Sabrina)


Five Lessons Learned Due To The Energy Crisis

OPEC is an acronym that stands for … something

You meet sexier chicks on odd number gas days

A Buick LeSabre might not have been the best choice for a fuel efficient vehicle

Carter looks dorky in a sweater

If the price of gas ever goes over 75 cents, civilization will collapse


Five Reasons I’m Looking Forward To The ‘80s

The sequel to Star Wars

The Knack’s next album will be even better than their first

The US will kick ass at the 1980 Summer Olympics

With the coming of the Space Shuttle, moon cities can’t be far away

Jon Anderson will be the best president we’ve ever had!


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Back To School Edition)

August 25, 2017

Five Embarrassing School Memories

Spit Up Milk On Teacher – 9th Grade

Mispronounced “Comfortable” When Narrating Film Strip – 1st Grade

Fly Open During Oral Report – 11th Grade

Danced As Christmas Tree In Holiday Pageant – 2nd Grade

Accidentally Killed A Substitute Teacher – 5th Grade


Five Awesome School Supplies

Pen With Four Colors Of Ink

Erasers Shaped Like Animals

Fully Loaded Backpack

New Kids On The Block Lunchbox

The Trapper Keeper


Five Rejected Prom Themes

Midnight On Parris Island

A Black & Blue Ball

One Infected Evening

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

Entrapment Under The Sea


Five Stupid Thesis Topics

The Films Of Adam Sandler As A Metaphor For The Cold War

Grandma’s Menopause

The Jerky Boys: Where Are They Now?

Mad Libs and Women’s Lib

Fire In The Hole: The History Of Spicy Curry


Five Signs Your Teacher Loves You

He slips you notes in class

Asks you to stay behind every day for an entire semester

When you answer a question, he asks you to repeat it – but slower and “make your voice a little more breathy”

During lunch, she stands outside the cafeteria holding a boombox like John Cusack in “Say Anything”

She grades you on her curves

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Game Of Thrones Edition)

August 7, 2017


Five Lesser Daenerys Targaryen Titles

The Bellicose Blonde

She Who Must Be Obeyed

Westeros’ Top Model

Queen of All Double Dragon Players

Terminator Genisys Apologist


Five George R. R. Martin Excuses For Not Writing

Windows 10 keeps crashing

Writer’s block … or brain freeze … er, which one do you get from eating ice cream?

Even I can’t keep all these meshuga characters straight

Trying to research the sex scenes but no one will have sex with me

I just love to make slobbering fanboys wait


Five Things Jon Snow Will Never Say

Enough fighting – let’s mamba!

I’m all out of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!

That wall looks a little high … and I’ve got a touch of vertigo.

Kiss me, Littlefinger.

Holy crap – I really do know nothing!


Five Game of Thrones Breakfast Cereals


Hodor Puffs

Unsullied Oats

Raven Bran

The Cereal Has No Name


Five Things A Dumb Guy Watching GoT Says 

I’m not sure them dragons is real.

If it’s winter why don’t they just put on a sweater?

If my sister looked like Cersei, I’d do her too.

Where the hell’s Gandalf?

I wish “Ballers” was on.



July 31, 2017

Five Hamster Complaints

Owner never changes the drinking water

Mrs. Quigley’s third grade class always staring

Gridlock in DC makes progressive legislation virtually impossible

Wife ate all the kids



Five Things I’ve Never Had In My Kitchen

Dutch oven


Panini press

Cupcake corer

Bob Mould


Five Fashion Portmanteaus

Murse (man + purse)

Jeggings (jeans + leggings)

Pewtest (pewter + vest)

Doodie (denim + hoodie)

Crants (crotchless + pants)


Five Public Toilet Nuisances

TP doesn’t roll out smoothly

Funky smell

Guy using the baby changing table to iron his slacks

Hand dryer blows

Larry Craig adopting a wide stance in the stall next to you


Five X-Rated Candy Bars

Milky Three Way


Mallo D Cup


3 Musketeers, 1 Cup