Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category


January 19, 2019


Five Bachelor Party Faux Pas

Playing D&D

Getting married to a Keno girl

Drawing genitals on the face of the passed out best man in permanent marker

Bringing, drinking or even mentioning Zima

Burying the hooker you killed out in the desert in a shallow grave that’s sure to be easily discovered


Five Bad Make Out Songs

Do They Know It’s Christmas? – Band Aid

Me So Horny – 2 Live Crew

The Curly Shuffle – Jump ‘N the Saddle

Pretty much anything by the Dead Kennedys

Luka – Suzanne Vega


Five Signs Your Breakfast Cereal Is Possessed

The instant it’s poured, the milk turns to blood

The ghost on the Boo Berry box is real

Your Alpha-Bits spell out “Prince of Darkness” and “666”

Cap’n Crunch’s head rotates 360 degrees

The perfunctory Snap, Crackle, Pop is followed by a statement of what your mother sucks in hell


Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words




Blue Jar

Cute Lincoln


Five Nick Fury Complaints

Lack of depth perception

Life model decoys make my ass look fat

SHIELD helicarrier runs on used cooking oil so clothes always smell like french fries

Howling Commandos won’t accept Facebook friend requests

As cool as Samuel L. Jackson makes me look, I can never live down the fact I was once played by David Hasselhoff




December 29, 2018


Five Things I’m Honestly Not Quite Sure What They Are

Black Mirror Bandersnatch

Longitude & latitude


Flying buttresses

Wiz Khalifa


Five Little Known New Year’s Traditions

Making revolutions

Swinging the first axe of the new year

Mocking the bee

Eating Chiclets off a cousin’s torso

Listening to the Black-Eyed Peas and Green Day


Five Updated Grimm’s Fairy Tales

Rapunzel, Vampire Slayer

Snow White, Alien Hunter

Cinderella, Zombie Taxidermist

Tom Thumb, Thumb Warrior

Rumpelstiltskin, Stilt Skinner


Five Rarely Used Yoga Positions

Plumber’s Moon

Crazy Aunt at Bingo

Pie in the Face

Hot Cheese Burning Roof of the Mouth

Downward Snoop Dogg


Five Children’s Book Characters’ Secret Fears

Waldo – Being Alone

The Man in the Yellow Hat – Monkeypox

Peter Rabbit – Hasenpfeffer

The Lorax – Moustache lice

The Hardy Boys – Finding out Nancy Drew’s really a dude


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Holiday Edition)

December 14, 2018


Five Unpopular Holiday Songs

Santa Rabies

Over Joan Rivers and Through James Woods

I Saw Three Shemps

Winter Wonderbra

I’m Dreaming of a White Kwanzaa


Five Things I’d Like To Unwrap Christmas Morning

The Walking Dead Compendium


The Monkees The Complete TV Series on DVD

Anything Hello Kitty

Milana Vayntrub


Five Santa Claus Fears

The elves will revolt.

Red makes him look fat.

The Krampus will beat him in his fantasy football league.

Some kids will put Ex-Lax in the cookies they leave out for him.

Mrs. Claus will find the love letters to Yukon Cornelius on his hard drive.


Five Odd Christmas Superstitions

If you sleep with your feet on your pillow, Santa will bring you honey.

A tree that leans forward augurs either impotence or restlessness.

Wear no socks on Boxing Day and your true love will propose.

Place grapes in your stocking to ward off evil.

Elves will hide in the cracks of your ceiling and suck out your breath while you sleep if you’ve been naughty.


Five Holiday Character Confessions

“I’ve eaten venison.” – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

“My cardiomyopathy makes me cranky.” – The Grinch

“I’ve been embezzling from the Savings & Loan for years.” – George Bailey

“I pretend that I’m melting but I’m really just peeing.” – Frosty the Snowman

“I’m Jewish.” – Charlie Brown


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Holiday Edition)

December 3, 2018


Five People Who’ve Accidentally Received Santa’s Mail

Carlos Santana

Kriss Kross

Rick Santorum

Nic Cage



Five Elf Complaints

Elves in China make toys cheaper

Yukon Cornelius gets a little “handsy” after a few beers

Get a tan and people think I’m an Oompa Loompa!

Frosty won’t friend me on Facebook

Those sellouts at Keebler


Five Reindeer Games

Antler Toss

Elf Tipping

Spitting for distance


Making Rudolph’s life a living hell


Five Rarely-Performed Holiday Tunes

Ding Dong Merrily I’m High

Little Drummer Goy

Grandma Got Rear Ended By A Reindeer

Let it Snizzle! Let it Snizzle! Let it Snizzle!

Chet’s Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire


Five Questions Kids Ask Mall Santas

How do you know I’ve been naughty?

Why do you hate the Jewish kids?

Can you make a present so big even you can’t lift it?

Is Mrs. Claus a MILF?

Why do you smell like desperation and failure?

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Thanksgiving Edition)

November 19, 2018


Five Regrettable Macy’s Parade Balloons

Hitler’s Moustache – 1937

Rob Lowe Dancing with Snow White – 1989

Occupy Wall Street – 2012

Nixon with a metal detector – 1973

Brian Dunkelman – 2002


Five Little Known Thanksgiving Traditions

Gravy dancing

Tryptophantasy football

Turducken chuckin’

Stuffing the second cousin

The pardoning of the yams


Five Pilgrim Complaints

That boat was really cramped.

The New World smells like ass.

Those #@&% posers in Jamestown.

Buckle hats are soooo 1618!

Squanto and Myles Standish should just get a room, already!


Five Pie Injuries

Hot cobbler blisters

Crust in the eye

Sprained meringue

A la mode on the knee

Carpal tunnel rhubarb


Five Broadway Musicals for Turkeys

The Best Little Henhouse In Texas

A Chorus Brine

Joseph and the Technicolor Butterball

Kinky Snoods

Giblets Over Broadway



October 15, 2018


Five Vehicle-Related Songs

Cars – Gary Numan

The Key to Her Ferrari – Thomas Dolby

Hot Rod Lincoln – Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen

Ol’ 55 – The Eagles 

Chevy Van – Sammy John


Five Potato Weapons

Potato Gun

Brass Russet


Nuclear Murphy



Five Really Great Hiding Places for Hide ‘N’ Go Seek

In the laundry hamper

Outside (even though the rules expressly forbid it)

Duct taped to bathroom ceiling

Directly behind the Seeker

Narnia (accessible through wardobe only)


Five Fictional Crushes

Daphne from Scooby Doo

Anne of Green Gables

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

St. Pauli Girl

She-Hulk (Sensational, not Savage)


Five Forgotten Folk Heroes

Soapy Jim, Cleanest Rascal West of the Pecos

Sweet Sally Shortbread, Grateful Dead Groupie

Manicured Mel, Gunslingin’ Dandy

Johnny Applebee’s

Carl Birnbaum, Paul Bunyan’s Accountant


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Autumn Edition)

September 28, 2018


Five Other Things Christopher Columbus Discovered



Himself at age 13


After five weeks on a cramped ship, 40 men begin to smell a bit gamey


Five Sounds Of Fall

Turkey shoots

Haunted houses

Football games

Punkin chunkin’

Leaves screaming as they die


Five Lesser Known General Mills Monster Cereals

Gargoyle Grape

Vanilla Yeti

Devils Food Demon


Krispy Kraken


Five Homecoming Dance Faux Pas

Spiking the punch

Mouthing off at a chaperone

Stepping on your date’s toes

Making fun of the poor girls’ dresses

Attending now even though you graduated in the 90s


Five Signs Your Halloween Costume Sucks

All the other kids laugh at you

You got it on sale at the Dollar Tree

You ran out of toilet paper for your mummy after wrapping only your shin

Everyone gives you extra candy because they feel sorry for you

My mom made it



August 10, 2018


Five Hipster Books

To Kale a Mockingbird

From Here to Urban Outfitters

A Beard Grows In Brooklyn

Their Eyes Were Watching Wes Anderson

The Artisanal Grapes of Wrath


Five Euphemisms For Pregnancy

In the family way

Up the duff

Go Go Gadget Zygote!

Cribbin’ the ute

Pulling a Duggar


Five Reasons to Hate Winnie the Pooh

He’s not a real bear

He got his stupid head stuck in a honey jar

He hunted the heffalump to extinction

He smells like wet stuffing

He poohs in the woods


Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Leave on a ferry, Gary.

Grab an axe and decapitate, Nate.

Shove her bloody face in, Jason.

Dose her with strychnine, er –uh, Rick … stein.

Get your gun and shart shootin’, Putin.


Five Retroactive Product Placements in Movies

“Well I got her number. How do you like them Snapples?”

“They call me Mister Pibbs!”

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinet.”

“As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again – thanks to Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine!”

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some BUSH’s Baked Beans and a nice Franzia, the wine in a box.”



June 1, 2018


Five Things That Kinda Sound Like “Sparky”



Spark Notes

CPO Sharkey

Twilight Sparkle


Five Rejected Children’s Book Titles

The Very Horny Caterpillar

Oh the Places You’ll Go To The Bathroom

A Winklevoss in Time

Charlotte’s Adult Webcam

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret Thatcher


Five Ways To Make Horse Racing More Interesting

The horses ride the jockeys

Track is shaped like an Escher drawing

Every horse equipped with lasers and bayonets

Only spectators allowed are belligerent monkeys

Loser becomes dinner at nearest homeless shelter


Five Florida Tourist Slogans

It’s not the heat – it’s the stupidity

Where grandmas goes to die and coeds go to get wild

Too hot to panhandle

Come for Disney. Stay for … uh … nope, Disney is pretty much it

Teabagging Cuba since the 16th century


Five Signs You Eat Too Much Pork

You sweat bacon

The ghost of Jimmy Dean appears to you nightly

The pigs picketing in front of your house

Whenever you read The Three Little Pigs to your kid, you salivate like Pavlov’s dogs

Your intestines are like Carnivale for trichina worms


April 27, 2018


Five Bad Local Commercials

Bear Mountain Sports

Jesus Christ Bail Bonds

Auto Connection

Girl, Job Fair, Word

Eastwood Insurance


Five Books I Recommend That You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

The Wampanaki Tales by James Howard Kunstler

The Quartzsite Trip by William Hogan

Super-Folks by Robert Mayer

The Choking Doberman: And Other “New” Urban Legends by Jan Harold Brunvand

Diet for a New America by John Robbins


Five of My Favorite Sci Fi Clichés

The alien planet turns out to be Earth

Protagonist attempts to change the past, thereby creating the future he hoped to prevent

The alien is not the bad guy but the good guy

The hero turns out to be dead or from a parallel Earth or an alien

… But no one remembers!


Five Ways to Prank a Roommate, Two of Which I’ve Done

Lysol in his milk

Ex-Lax brownies

Identity theft

Skunk juice in his fabric softener

Cardboard standup of Batman in the shower


Five Bad Places to Hide a Spare Key

Under the front door mat

The lock

On your keychain with the other keys


The Paleozoic Era