Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 4, 2017

Five Failed General Mills Monster Cereals

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Honey

Invisible Man Berries

Zombie Toast Crunch

Godzillalicious

Creature from the Bran Lagoon

 

Five Zebra Fears

LionsHyenas

Stripes make them look fat

Global warming

There’ll be a Racing Stripes II

 

Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words

Batch

Peninsula

Tattle

Vagus nerve

Madden Football

 

Five Regrettable Purchases

The Boogie Bass

Stale Girl Scout Cookies

Bell bottoms

Rental insurance

Ticket for The Emoji Movie

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Just stop tryin’, Ryan.

Hit yourself repeatedly with a rake, Blake.

Hide in a closet and be really quiet, Wyatt.

Take off on a stolen Schwinn, Flynn.

Cook her up in a pot and eat her, Peter.

 

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FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1970s Edition)

October 30, 2017

[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1979 on my old ARPANET site: “Sparky’s Far Out Dy-no-mite Funkadelic Super Rockin’ Heavy Scene”]

 

Five TV Characters Cooler Than The Fonz

Vinnie Barbarino

Buck Rogers

Venus Flytrap

The White Shadow

Tie: Bo Duke / Luke Duke

 

Five Trends That Need To Go Away

Pet Rocks

Disco

CB Radios

Pong

Stagflation

 

Five Foxy Ladies I’d Marry Now If They Asked

Lynda Carter

Linda Ronstadt

Loni Anderson

Olivia Newton-John

All Of Charlie’s Angels (Except Sabrina)

 

Five Lessons Learned Due To The Energy Crisis

OPEC is an acronym that stands for … something

You meet sexier chicks on odd number gas days

A Buick LeSabre might not have been the best choice for a fuel efficient vehicle

Carter looks dorky in a sweater

If the price of gas ever goes over 75 cents, civilization will collapse

 

Five Reasons I’m Looking Forward To The ‘80s

The sequel to Star Wars

The Knack’s next album will be even better than their first

The US will kick ass at the 1980 Summer Olympics

With the coming of the Space Shuttle, moon cities can’t be far away

Jon Anderson will be the best president we’ve ever had!

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Back To School Edition)

August 25, 2017

Five Embarrassing School Memories

Spit Up Milk On Teacher – 9th Grade

Mispronounced “Comfortable” When Narrating Film Strip – 1st Grade

Fly Open During Oral Report – 11th Grade

Danced As Christmas Tree In Holiday Pageant – 2nd Grade

Accidentally Killed A Substitute Teacher – 5th Grade

 

Five Awesome School Supplies

Pen With Four Colors Of Ink

Erasers Shaped Like Animals

Fully Loaded Backpack

New Kids On The Block Lunchbox

The Trapper Keeper

 

Five Rejected Prom Themes

Midnight On Parris Island

A Black & Blue Ball

One Infected Evening

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

Entrapment Under The Sea

 

Five Stupid Thesis Topics

The Films Of Adam Sandler As A Metaphor For The Cold War

Grandma’s Menopause

The Jerky Boys: Where Are They Now?

Mad Libs and Women’s Lib

Fire In The Hole: The History Of Spicy Curry

 

Five Signs Your Teacher Loves You

He slips you notes in class

Asks you to stay behind every day for an entire semester

When you answer a question, he asks you to repeat it – but slower and “make your voice a little more breathy”

During lunch, she stands outside the cafeteria holding a boombox like John Cusack in “Say Anything”

She grades you on her curves

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Game Of Thrones Edition)

August 7, 2017

 

Five Lesser Daenerys Targaryen Titles

The Bellicose Blonde

She Who Must Be Obeyed

Westeros’ Top Model

Queen of All Double Dragon Players

Terminator Genisys Apologist

 

Five George R. R. Martin Excuses For Not Writing

Windows 10 keeps crashing

Writer’s block … or brain freeze … er, which one do you get from eating ice cream?

Even I can’t keep all these meshuga characters straight

Trying to research the sex scenes but no one will have sex with me

I just love to make slobbering fanboys wait

 

Five Things Jon Snow Will Never Say

Enough fighting – let’s mamba!

I’m all out of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!

That wall looks a little high … and I’ve got a touch of vertigo.

Kiss me, Littlefinger.

Holy crap – I really do know nothing!

 

Five Game of Thrones Breakfast Cereals

Wester-Os

Hodor Puffs

Unsullied Oats

Raven Bran

The Cereal Has No Name

 

Five Things A Dumb Guy Watching GoT Says 

I’m not sure them dragons is real.

If it’s winter why don’t they just put on a sweater?

If my sister looked like Cersei, I’d do her too.

Where the hell’s Gandalf?

I wish “Ballers” was on.

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

July 31, 2017

Five Hamster Complaints

Owner never changes the drinking water

Mrs. Quigley’s third grade class always staring

Gridlock in DC makes progressive legislation virtually impossible

Wife ate all the kids

THIS $%&ING WHEEL GOES NOWHERE!!

 

Five Things I’ve Never Had In My Kitchen

Dutch oven

Fennel

Panini press

Cupcake corer

Bob Mould

 

Five Fashion Portmanteaus

Murse (man + purse)

Jeggings (jeans + leggings)

Pewtest (pewter + vest)

Doodie (denim + hoodie)

Crants (crotchless + pants)

 

Five Public Toilet Nuisances

TP doesn’t roll out smoothly

Funky smell

Guy using the baby changing table to iron his slacks

Hand dryer blows

Larry Craig adopting a wide stance in the stall next to you

 

Five X-Rated Candy Bars

Milky Three Way

Toblerbone

Mallo D Cup

Buttfinger

3 Musketeers, 1 Cup

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 29, 2017

Five Dog Songs

Collar Me

Walkies On Sunshine

Harlem, Shake! Good Boy!

You Can Call Me Alpo

Who Let The Us Out?

 

Five Lesser Known X-Men

The Toolverine

Liceman

The Breast

Charlie Pryde

Pubcrawler

 

Five Historical Game Shows

Let’s Make A New Deal

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Columnist?

Battle Of The Network Tsars

Beat The Hippie

Vlad, Vlad … Don’t Impale Me!

 

Five Foot-Based Phobias

Fear that big toe will dislocate during sleep

Fear two feet will fuse into one massive psuedo-foot

Fear of stinky heels

Fear plantar fasciitis will become de rigueur

Fear that Dr. Scholl isn’t really a doctor

 

Five Really Stupid Conspiracy Theories

The moon landing was real but the moon was fake

Squirrels can read the minds of nuts

The documentary “Inside Job” was, in fact, an inside job

Chemtrails are really lines of coke for God

ED drugs were created by the government to mind control the flaccid

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 24, 2017

Five Days The Music Died

Buddy Holly’s plane crash (1959)

John Lennon’s assassination (1980)

KISS goes make-up free (1983)

The “Soy Bomb” incident (1998)

The release of Kevin Federline’s album (2008)

 

Five Nursery Rhyme Characters That Are Dicks

Old King Cole

Wee Willie Winkie

Georgie Porgie

Little Jack Horner

Cock Robin

 

Five Reasons To Watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

Lost a bet

Easily swayed by pop culture icons

Remote went missing – can’t change channel

Your family looks like saints compared to these vain, talentless famewhores

Haven’t been the same since that mule kicked you in the head

 

Five Puzzling & Regrettable Cracker Jack Prizes

An opened ketchup packet

Gangrene

Sawdust

A crude drawing of Seth Meyers

A smaller, tinier box of Cracker Jacks

 

Five Signs You’ll Never Be Nominated For An Academy Award

Your movie was shot on your phone in your parent’s basement

Your “animated short” is nothing but a VHS of an old Popeye cartoon

The screenplay was adapted from a Denny’s menu

Sound track consists solely of fart noises

Your name is Vin Diesel

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Halloween Edition)

October 28, 2016

Five Treats Worth Tricking Over

Caramel Apples

Gum

Mr. Goodbar Miniature

Nik-L Nips

Luden’s Cough Drops

 

Five Costume Ideas I’m Considering

The Walking Dead (Jerry Garcia as a zombie)

Bernie Sanders

Uncle Grandpa

The Crunchberry Beast

Uranus

 

Five Other Vampire Weaknesses

Shrimp forks in the elbow

Pillow fights

Sunny D

Long Division

Sister Wives marathons on TLC

 

Five Bad Haunted House Ideas

Giant bowl of lukewarm soup

Sauna full of Duggars

Community bulletin board full of spelling errors

Trailer park garage sale

KFC with a B sanitation grade

 

Five Horror Movies That Would Suck

The Cabinet of Dr. Philgari

Drag Me To Helsinki

The Blair from The Facts of Life Project

When A Stranger Caulks

Rosemary’s Bieber

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Autumn Edition)

October 10, 2016

Five Other Things Christopher Columbus Discovered

Nutella

Vancouver

Himself at age 13

EDM

After five weeks on a cramped ship, 40 men begin to smell a bit gamey

 

Five Sounds Of Fall

Turkey shoots

Haunted houses

Football games

Punkin chunkin’

Leaves screaming as they die

 

Five Lesser Known General Mills Monster Cereals

Gargoyle Grape

Vanilla Yeti

Devils Food Demon

Sugarclops

Krispy Kraken

 

Five Homecoming Dance Faux Pas

Spiking the punch

Mouthing off at a chaperone

Stepping on your date’s toes

Making fun of the poor girls’ dresses

Attending even though you graduated in the 90s

 

Five Signs Your Halloween Costume Sucks

All the other kids laugh at you

You got it on sale at the Dollar Tree

You ran out of toilet paper for your mummy after wrapping only your shin

Everyone gives you extra candy because they feel sorry for you

My mom made it

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (90s Version)

September 27, 2016

Five Giant Sucking Sounds

Grunge music

Saturday Night Live since Mike Myers & Dana Carvey left

That bugg’n Big Mouth Billy Bass

The ending to Alien: Resurrection

Tie: NAFTA / Ross Perot

 

Five Women I’d Marry Immediately If They Asked

Ginger Spice

Baby Spice

Posh Spice

Scary Spice

Melissa Etheridge (sorry, Mel C)

 

Five Things I’ll Never Get Tired Of

Music Videos on MTV

1-800-COLLECT

Crystal Pepsi

My Geo Metro

The comic genius of Bill Cosby

 

Five Things That Have Kept Me Awake At Night

Mad Cow Disease

Unabomber

Rwanda

Milli Vanilli scandal

No more Calvin & Hobbes!!!!! (Seriously, Watterson, that’s wack!)

 

Five Ways My Tamagotchi Died

Neglect

Dropped it in the garbage disposal

Dog ate it

Natural causes (as far as you know)

Laughing its freakin’ ass off at that knockoff beeotch Giga Pet