Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

October 15, 2018

 

Five Vehicle-Related Songs

Cars – Gary Numan

The Key to Her Ferrari – Thomas Dolby

Hot Rod Lincoln – Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen

Ol’ 55 – The Eagles 

Chevy Van – Sammy John

 

Five Potato Weapons

Potato Gun

Brass Russet

Yam-a-pult

Nuclear Murphy

Switchspud

 

Five Really Great Hiding Places for Hide ‘N’ Go Seek

In the laundry hamper

Outside (even though the rules expressly forbid it)

Duct taped to bathroom ceiling

Directly behind the Seeker

Narnia (accessible through wardobe only)

 

Five Fictional Crushes

Daphne from Scooby Doo

Anne of Green Gables

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

St. Pauli Girl

She-Hulk (Sensational, not Savage)

 

Five Forgotten Folk Heroes

Soapy Jim, Cleanest Rascal West of the Pecos

Sweet Sally Shortbread, Grateful Dead Groupie

Manicured Mel, Gunslingin’ Dandy

Johnny Applebee’s

Carl Birnbaum, Paul Bunyan’s Accountant

 

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FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Autumn Edition)

September 28, 2018

 

Five Other Things Christopher Columbus Discovered

Nutella

Vancouver

Himself at age 13

EDM

After five weeks on a cramped ship, 40 men begin to smell a bit gamey

 

Five Sounds Of Fall

Turkey shoots

Haunted houses

Football games

Punkin chunkin’

Leaves screaming as they die

 

Five Lesser Known General Mills Monster Cereals

Gargoyle Grape

Vanilla Yeti

Devils Food Demon

Sugarclops

Krispy Kraken

 

Five Homecoming Dance Faux Pas

Spiking the punch

Mouthing off at a chaperone

Stepping on your date’s toes

Making fun of the poor girls’ dresses

Attending now even though you graduated in the 90s

 

Five Signs Your Halloween Costume Sucks

All the other kids laugh at you

You got it on sale at the Dollar Tree

You ran out of toilet paper for your mummy after wrapping only your shin

Everyone gives you extra candy because they feel sorry for you

My mom made it

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

August 10, 2018

 

Five Hipster Books

To Kale a Mockingbird

From Here to Urban Outfitters

A Beard Grows In Brooklyn

Their Eyes Were Watching Wes Anderson

The Artisanal Grapes of Wrath

 

Five Euphemisms For Pregnancy

In the family way

Up the duff

Go Go Gadget Zygote!

Cribbin’ the ute

Pulling a Duggar

 

Five Reasons to Hate Winnie the Pooh

He’s not a real bear

He got his stupid head stuck in a honey jar

He hunted the heffalump to extinction

He smells like wet stuffing

He poohs in the woods

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Leave on a ferry, Gary.

Grab an axe and decapitate, Nate.

Shove her bloody face in, Jason.

Dose her with strychnine, er –uh, Rick … stein.

Get your gun and shart shootin’, Putin.

 

Five Retroactive Product Placements in Movies

“Well I got her number. How do you like them Snapples?”

“They call me Mister Pibbs!”

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinet.”

“As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again – thanks to Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine!”

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some BUSH’s Baked Beans and a nice Franzia, the wine in a box.”

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

June 1, 2018

 

Five Things That Kinda Sound Like “Sparky”

Spanky

Stuckey’s

Spark Notes

CPO Sharkey

Twilight Sparkle

 

Five Rejected Children’s Book Titles

The Very Horny Caterpillar

Oh the Places You’ll Go To The Bathroom

A Winklevoss in Time

Charlotte’s Adult Webcam

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret Thatcher

 

Five Ways To Make Horse Racing More Interesting

The horses ride the jockeys

Track is shaped like an Escher drawing

Every horse equipped with lasers and bayonets

Only spectators allowed are belligerent monkeys

Loser becomes dinner at nearest homeless shelter

 

Five Florida Tourist Slogans

It’s not the heat – it’s the stupidity

Where grandmas goes to die and coeds go to get wild

Too hot to panhandle

Come for Disney. Stay for … uh … nope, Disney is pretty much it

Teabagging Cuba since the 16th century

 

Five Signs You Eat Too Much Pork

You sweat bacon

The ghost of Jimmy Dean appears to you nightly

The pigs picketing in front of your house

Whenever you read The Three Little Pigs to your kid, you salivate like Pavlov’s dogs

Your intestines are like Carnivale for trichina worms

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 27, 2018

 

Five Bad Local Commercials

Bear Mountain Sports

Jesus Christ Bail Bonds

Auto Connection

Girl, Job Fair, Word

Eastwood Insurance

 

Five Books I Recommend That You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

The Wampanaki Tales by James Howard Kunstler

The Quartzsite Trip by William Hogan

Super-Folks by Robert Mayer

The Choking Doberman: And Other “New” Urban Legends by Jan Harold Brunvand

Diet for a New America by John Robbins

 

Five of My Favorite Sci Fi Clichés

The alien planet turns out to be Earth

Protagonist attempts to change the past, thereby creating the future he hoped to prevent

The alien is not the bad guy but the good guy

The hero turns out to be dead or from a parallel Earth or an alien

… But no one remembers!

 

Five Ways to Prank a Roommate, Two of Which I’ve Done

Lysol in his milk

Ex-Lax brownies

Identity theft

Skunk juice in his fabric softener

Cardboard standup of Batman in the shower

 

Five Bad Places to Hide a Spare Key

Under the front door mat

The lock

On your keychain with the other keys

Fiji

The Paleozoic Era

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 24, 2018

 

Five Royal Baby Name Odds

Winston, 10 to 1

Banger and/or Mash, 25 to 1

Lil Uzi Vert, 13 to 2

Groot, 1 to 1

Outdated Heritable Succession Repressor, 10,000 to 1

 

Five Times You Really Need A Spoon

When you’re eating soup

When you’re eating breakfast cereal

When you’re measuring small amounts for a recipe

When you’re the Tick shouting your battle cry

When you’re an eloping dish in a nursery rhyme

 

Five Cutesy Brew Pub Names

The Twisted Cistern

Brewed Awakening

Pop on Hops

Lager Rhythm

Drag Me To Ale

 

Five Slang Terms for Twins

Double Vision

Thing One & Thing Two

Ditto DNA

Akin Kin

The Devil’s Mirror

 

Five Signs the Kool-Aid Man Is Stalking You

The cherry stains in your driveway

Your new mailman looks exactly like the Kool-Aid Man – but with a giant fake moustache

You can’t get the smell of grape out of your upholstery

In the past six months, you’ve spent 500 grand repairing unexplained holes in your walls

Whenever you and your wife have sex, you hear a muted “Oh yeah” coming from the closet

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 8, 2018

 

Five Songs I Haven’t Heard On the Radio In Decades

Driver’s Seat – Sniff ‘N’ The Tears

No Time To Loose – Tarney Spencer Band

Girl of My Dreams – Bram Tchaikovsky

Sausalito Summer Nights – Diesel

If I Had A Rocket Launcher – Bruce Cockburn

 

Five Bad Excuses To Turn Down A Date

Grouting my shower

Shampooing my hair

Experiencing entropy

Cupcake Wars marathon

Chumming

 

Five Bizarre Places to Find Chocolate Chip Cookies

Remainder bin at a Sam Goodys

Viking’s armpit

An Olsen twin’s kitchen

Tenerife

In a can, in aerosol form

 

Five Good Names for a Boy Band

Me&Eunuch

2Suave

Gentlemental

A Lad Din

15minutes

 

Five Embarassing Confessions

I am scared to inflate a balloon

I once wrote a love letter to Amy Carter

I was born with an extra toe on my left foot

I was kicked out of the Webelos for rigging the Pinewood Derby

When I was 8, I wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 16, 2018

 

Five Forgotten ABC Afterschool Specials

My Mother Is My Substitute Teacher

I Was a Flintstone Vitamin Addict

Ringworm: My Silent Shame

Confessions of a Teenage Dairy Queen

Our Love Is Forbidden: The Donny & Marie Story

 

Five Lesser Known St. Patrick’s Day Traditions

Green beards

Walking with a potato between your knees

Screaming like a banshee when anyone plays Sinead O’Connor

Tickling strangers on the bus

“Slapping the Black Pudding”

 

Five Reasons to Sleep Late

An awesome dream about that supermodel you like

You desperately want to avoid a meeting a work

Your new Sleep Number® bed

The paralysis

If you get up, you’ll wake the Gorgon

 

Five Signs Your Waiter Is In Love With You

He takes your order and giggles like a schoolgirl

He fistfights another server to get your table

Blissful sighs emanating from the soda refill station

He hand feeds you your dessert

Side dishes shaped into hearts

 

Five Rejected McDonaldland Characters

Filet-O-Fishwife

Hot Apple Pierre

Shamrock Shakey

The McDLTease

The Hammolester

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 10, 2018

 

Five TV Shows That Helped Me Get Through Puberty

WKRP in Cincinnati

Solid Gold

General Hospital

The Facts of Life

Jem

 

Five Rarely-Used Twitter Hashtags

#CancerSchmancer

#MonkeyPoxRules

#MyMomIsAWhore

#SoundsLikeCrowsFarting

#SoylentGreenIsPapal

 

Five Rejected Monopoly Tokens

A dozen Grade A eggs

Noose

Half-eaten box of Fiddle Faddle

An inflamed duodenum

Bucket of chum

 

Five Forgotten Tourist Attractions

Jimmy Carter’s birthmark

Largest Merkin West of the Mississippi

Old Indiana Pacers burial ground

Dolly Parton’s first training bra

Iowa corn maze in the shape of Mamie Eisenhower

 

Five Dr. Seuss Pickup Lines

Horton hears a hottie!

Wanna hop on pop?

I’d like to get this fox outta her socks.

Oh, the places you’ll go.

There’s a wocket in my pocket!

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 29, 2018

 

Five First Date Conversation Killers

Story of redundant spleen removal

Euthanasia of elderly relatives

Scientology and/or Libertarianism

Grout

Costco-sized Lamisil supply in the back seat

 

Five Little Known Air Bud Sequels

Air Bud: Mixed Martial Arfs

Air Bud: Lord Stanley’s Pup

Air Bud: His Masters Tournament

Air Bud: Five for Biting

Air Bud: Closest to the Pinscher

 

Five People Whose Names I’ve Forgotten

My first girlfriend from 3rd grade

The lead singer of that band who opened for Pat Benatar (and the band as well)

My nanny

That woman in London on the roof of the youth hostel

All the guys who dated my mom (junior high and earlier)

 

Five New Days Of The Week I’d Like To See

Trendsday

Fritterday

Monkeyday

Nightday

The Weeknd

 

Five Video Game Character Fears

Fear of Italians – Donkey Kong

Fear of heights – Q*bert

Fear of Mike Tyson biting his ear off – Little Mac (Punch-Out!)

Fear of being voiced by Urkel – Sonic the Hedgehog

Fear of being enslaved by Keebler – Link (Legend of Zelda)