Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 27, 2018

 

Five Bad Local Commercials

Bear Mountain Sports

Jesus Christ Bail Bonds

Auto Connection

Girl, Job Fair, Word

Eastwood Insurance

 

Five Books I Recommend That You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

The Wampanaki Tales by James Howard Kunstler

The Quartzsite Trip by William Hogan

Super-Folks by Robert Mayer

The Choking Doberman: And Other “New” Urban Legends by Jan Harold Brunvand

Diet for a New America by John Robbins

 

Five of My Favorite Sci Fi Clichés

The alien planet turns out to be Earth

Protagonist attempts to change the past, thereby creating the future he hoped to prevent

The alien is not the bad guy but the good guy

The hero turns out to be dead or from a parallel Earth or an alien

… But no one remembers!

 

Five Ways to Prank a Roommate, Two of Which I’ve Done

Lysol in his milk

Ex-Lax brownies

Identity theft

Skunk juice in his fabric softener

Cardboard standup of Batman in the shower

 

Five Bad Places to Hide a Spare Key

Under the front door mat

The lock

On your keychain with the other keys

Fiji

The Paleozoic Era

 

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FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 24, 2018

 

Five Royal Baby Name Odds

Winston, 10 to 1

Banger and/or Mash, 25 to 1

Lil Uzi Vert, 13 to 2

Groot, 1 to 1

Outdated Heritable Succession Repressor, 10,000 to 1

 

Five Times You Really Need A Spoon

When you’re eating soup

When you’re eating breakfast cereal

When you’re measuring small amounts for a recipe

When you’re the Tick shouting your battle cry

When you’re an eloping dish in a nursery rhyme

 

Five Cutesy Brew Pub Names

The Twisted Cistern

Brewed Awakening

Pop on Hops

Lager Rhythm

Drag Me To Ale

 

Five Slang Terms for Twins

Double Vision

Thing One & Thing Two

Ditto DNA

Akin Kin

The Devil’s Mirror

 

Five Signs the Kool-Aid Man Is Stalking You

The cherry stains in your driveway

Your new mailman looks exactly like the Kool-Aid Man – but with a giant fake moustache

You can’t get the smell of grape out of your upholstery

In the past six months, you’ve spent 500 grand repairing unexplained holes in your walls

Whenever you and your wife have sex, you hear a muted “Oh yeah” coming from the closet

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 8, 2018

 

Five Songs I Haven’t Heard On the Radio In Decades

Driver’s Seat – Sniff ‘N’ The Tears

No Time To Loose – Tarney Spencer Band

Girl of My Dreams – Bram Tchaikovsky

Sausalito Summer Nights – Diesel

If I Had A Rocket Launcher – Bruce Cockburn

 

Five Bad Excuses To Turn Down A Date

Grouting my shower

Shampooing my hair

Experiencing entropy

Cupcake Wars marathon

Chumming

 

Five Bizarre Places to Find Chocolate Chip Cookies

Remainder bin at a Sam Goodys

Viking’s armpit

An Olsen twin’s kitchen

Tenerife

In a can, in aerosol form

 

Five Good Names for a Boy Band

Me&Eunuch

2Suave

Gentlemental

A Lad Din

15minutes

 

Five Embarassing Confessions

I am scared to inflate a balloon

I once wrote a love letter to Amy Carter

I was born with an extra toe on my left foot

I was kicked out of the Webelos for rigging the Pinewood Derby

When I was 8, I wanted to be a Solid Gold Dancer

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 16, 2018

 

Five Forgotten ABC Afterschool Specials

My Mother Is My Substitute Teacher

I Was a Flintstone Vitamin Addict

Ringworm: My Silent Shame

Confessions of a Teenage Dairy Queen

Our Love Is Forbidden: The Donny & Marie Story

 

Five Lesser Known St. Patrick’s Day Traditions

Green beards

Walking with a potato between your knees

Screaming like a banshee when anyone plays Sinead O’Connor

Tickling strangers on the bus

“Slapping the Black Pudding”

 

Five Reasons to Sleep Late

An awesome dream about that supermodel you like

You desperately want to avoid a meeting a work

Your new Sleep Number® bed

The paralysis

If you get up, you’ll wake the Gorgon

 

Five Signs Your Waiter Is In Love With You

He takes your order and giggles like a schoolgirl

He fistfights another server to get your table

Blissful sighs emanating from the soda refill station

He hand feeds you your dessert

Side dishes shaped into hearts

 

Five Rejected McDonaldland Characters

Filet-O-Fishwife

Hot Apple Pierre

Shamrock Shakey

The McDLTease

The Hammolester

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

March 10, 2018

 

Five TV Shows That Helped Me Get Through Puberty

WKRP in Cincinnati

Solid Gold

General Hospital

The Facts of Life

Jem

 

Five Rarely-Used Twitter Hashtags

#CancerSchmancer

#MonkeyPoxRules

#MyMomIsAWhore

#SoundsLikeCrowsFarting

#SoylentGreenIsPapal

 

Five Rejected Monopoly Tokens

A dozen Grade A eggs

Noose

Half-eaten box of Fiddle Faddle

An inflamed duodenum

Bucket of chum

 

Five Forgotten Tourist Attractions

Jimmy Carter’s birthmark

Largest Merkin West of the Mississippi

Old Indiana Pacers burial ground

Dolly Parton’s first training bra

Iowa corn maze in the shape of Mamie Eisenhower

 

Five Dr. Seuss Pickup Lines

Horton hears a hottie!

Wanna hop on pop?

I’d like to get this fox outta her socks.

Oh, the places you’ll go.

There’s a wocket in my pocket!

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 29, 2018

 

Five First Date Conversation Killers

Story of redundant spleen removal

Euthanasia of elderly relatives

Scientology and/or Libertarianism

Grout

Costco-sized Lamisil supply in the back seat

 

Five Little Known Air Bud Sequels

Air Bud: Mixed Martial Arfs

Air Bud: Lord Stanley’s Pup

Air Bud: His Masters Tournament

Air Bud: Five for Biting

Air Bud: Closest to the Pinscher

 

Five People Whose Names I’ve Forgotten

My first girlfriend from 3rd grade

The lead singer of that band who opened for Pat Benatar (and the band as well)

My nanny

That woman in London on the roof of the youth hostel

All the guys who dated my mom (junior high and earlier)

 

Five New Days Of The Week I’d Like To See

Trendsday

Fritterday

Monkeyday

Nightday

The Weeknd

 

Five Video Game Character Fears

Fear of Italians – Donkey Kong

Fear of heights – Q*bert

Fear of Mike Tyson biting his ear off – Little Mac (Punch-Out!)

Fear of being voiced by Urkel – Sonic the Hedgehog

Fear of being enslaved by Keebler – Link (Legend of Zelda)

 

Five Random Five

January 15, 2018

 

Five Noises That Frighten Me

Balloons popping

Snakes hissing

Sound of a pump-action shotgun

Unexplained scratches under my bed at night

Nickelback on the radio

 

Five Rarely-Used Condiment-Derived Adjectives

Ketchuppity

Mustardant

Mayonnasty

Worcestershiftless

Wasabitchin’

 

Five Reasons Not To Tip Your Waiter

Inattentiveness

The dessert arrives before the appetizer

He coughs in your face and laughs like a hyena

His BO is more pungent than your garlic curry

It’s a dine and dash!

 

Five Odd Things To Keep In Your Crisper Drawer

Leather falconry gauntlets

A calcified granuloma

A chastity belt

A copy of The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers #2

Actor J. K. Simmons

 

Five Muppet Mistakes

Getting drunk at Christmas Party & telling Kermit what you really think of him

Sharing a hot tub with Kevin Clash

Machine washing & not dry cleaning

Taking Henson’s name in vain

Biting the hand that fills you

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (New Year’s Edition)

January 1, 2018

 

Five New Year’s Songs

What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve – Harry Connick, Jr.

Kiss Me at Midnight – *NSYNC

It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve – Barry Manilow

Funky New Year – Eagles

Auld Lang Syne – Jimi Hendrix (Live at the Fillmore East)

 

Five Resolutions I’m Making

Take dance lessons

Drink a smoothie a day

Remove the fifth corner from the spare room

Renew subscription to The American Philatelist

Embarrass my kids more

 

Five Little-Known New Year’s Superstitions

Feed a hobo crackers to ensure prosperity

Shave a dog’s hindquarters for good luck

Keep a sock full of nutmeg in your pants and your true love will find you

Shout a secret to keep it

To prove a point, write your name on a rock and throw it at a politician

 

Five Baby New Year Fears

Father Time will forget to change his diaper

He’ll get shown up by that Vietnamese Baby Tết

Spiders

His ears are too big (Rudolph’s Shiny New Year only)

A Kardashian may be his mom

 

Five Dumb Guy Predictions for 2018

Disco will make a comeback

Obama will be re-elected in a landslide

The apes will rise at last

Canada will become the 47th US state

People will finally stop complaining about crap they can’t change

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 4, 2017

Five Failed General Mills Monster Cereals

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Honey

Invisible Man Berries

Zombie Toast Crunch

Godzillalicious

Creature from the Bran Lagoon

 

Five Zebra Fears

LionsHyenas

Stripes make them look fat

Global warming

There’ll be a Racing Stripes II

 

Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words

Batch

Peninsula

Tattle

Vagus nerve

Madden Football

 

Five Regrettable Purchases

The Boogie Bass

Stale Girl Scout Cookies

Bell bottoms

Rental insurance

Ticket for The Emoji Movie

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Just stop tryin’, Ryan.

Hit yourself repeatedly with a rake, Blake.

Hide in a closet and be really quiet, Wyatt.

Take off on a stolen Schwinn, Flynn.

Cook her up in a pot and eat her, Peter.

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1970s Edition)

October 30, 2017

[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1979 on my old ARPANET site: “Sparky’s Far Out Dy-no-mite Funkadelic Super Rockin’ Heavy Scene”]

 

Five TV Characters Cooler Than The Fonz

Vinnie Barbarino

Buck Rogers

Venus Flytrap

The White Shadow

Tie: Bo Duke / Luke Duke

 

Five Trends That Need To Go Away

Pet Rocks

Disco

CB Radios

Pong

Stagflation

 

Five Foxy Ladies I’d Marry Now If They Asked

Lynda Carter

Linda Ronstadt

Loni Anderson

Olivia Newton-John

All Of Charlie’s Angels (Except Sabrina)

 

Five Lessons Learned Due To The Energy Crisis

OPEC is an acronym that stands for … something

You meet sexier chicks on odd number gas days

A Buick LeSabre might not have been the best choice for a fuel efficient vehicle

Carter looks dorky in a sweater

If the price of gas ever goes over 75 cents, civilization will collapse

 

Five Reasons I’m Looking Forward To The ‘80s

The sequel to Star Wars

The Knack’s next album will be even better than their first

The US will kick ass at the 1980 Summer Olympics

With the coming of the Space Shuttle, moon cities can’t be far away

Jon Anderson will be the best president we’ve ever had!