Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Valentine’s Day Edition)

February 14, 2020


Five Teenage Crushes

Susan Y. from my 7th grade English class

Jennifer Love Hewitt

That Chick from The Fifth Element

Psylocke from the X-Men

The Spice Girls


Five Depressing Valentine’s Days

Time I got sick on expired Russell Stover candy

4th grade and the class exchanged cards and everyone was supposed to get one for everyone else but I gave out 28 and only got back 26

The one where my first wife left me

The one spent in county lockup for buying fake Cartier from that guy in the park

The teenage years (all of them)


Five Bad Nicknames For Your Boyfriend

Mister Softee

Second Choice

Mommy Issues

The Up Elevator



Five Films That Sound Like Bedroom Euphemisms

Feeling Minnesota

Gleaming The Cube

Pushing Tin

Raising Arizona

Romancing The Stone


Five Rarely-Used Sexual Roleplay Characters

Edward Snowden

The GEICO Gecko

Former UN Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon

The Orkin Man

That chick that comes out of the well in The Ring



February 3, 2020


Five Word That Kind Of Sound Like Mattress







Five Hidden Dangers In Your Home


Dry rot



That new lamp that looks suspiciously like a ninja


Five Rejected Prom Themes

This Tragic Moment

Sparringtime in Paris

Date With Desenex

A Ted Knight To Remember

Night of 1,000 Stares


Five Reasons I Hate MTV

They stopped airing music videos

They wouldn’t hire me

They cancelled Beavis & Butt-head

Tabitha Soren never responded to my love letters

Jesse Camp, Jackass, Teen Mom, Jersey Shore – seriously, do I need to go on?


Five Flash Pick-Up Lines

I like fast girls.

Don’t tell anyone … but my secret identity is Brad Pitt.

What has two thumbs and owns a cosmic treadmill? THIS guy!

Yeaaaaah, I know Aquaman.

I’m only the fastest man alive when I’m fighting crime, if ya know what I mean.



January 18, 2020


Five Irrational Fears

Fear that the mirror guy is stalking you

Fear the color mauve will kill you while you sleep

Fear that if you smelt it you really have dealt it

Fear of denim based life forms

Fear of air quotes


Five Waiting Room Mistakes

Not checking in

Sitting next to a coughing kid

Reading a 3-year-old US News & World Report

Making eye contact with anyone

Assuming the staff actually gives a damn


Five Band Names That Could Be Diseases

Naked Eyes

The dB’s





Five Game Shows In Hell

Wheel of Misfortune

Card Sharks With Actual Sharks

Match Game BM

Win Ben Stein’s Kidney

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?


Five Signs You’re Dating A Doctor Who Fan

He doesn’t call you his girlfriend but his companion

He lists UNIT as a reference on his resume

Draws an extra heart on all his Valentine’s Day cards

His fashion sense relies heavily on scarves, brollies, fezzes and bowties

During sex, he screams, “It’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!”



January 6, 2020


Five Things I Tried To Deduct On My Taxes

Mileage for community service

Tickets to Hello Kitty Con

Seminar on selling Beanie Babies for maximum profit

Cost of failed Genioplasty

Membership in the Jodie Sweetin fan club


Five Snowman Pickup Lines

Let’s have some fun before I melt away.

You know what they say – “Big carrot… ”

Hi, I’m Olaf and I like warm hugs.

You have the prettiest coal I’ve ever seen.



Five Cereal Mascot Crimes

Toucan Sam – Cocaine possession

The Trix Rabbit – Child endangerment

Alfie, Carlyle, Dave, Brunhilde and Seadog (S. S. Guppy Crew) – Mutiny

Count Chocula – Indecent Exposure

Tony the Tiger – Grrrrrrrrand Theft Auto


Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words




Shrimp Scampy

Fuqua School of Business


Five Things James Bond Would Never Say

Hit. You sunk my battleship!

That’s one purdy mule.

One senor ticket for The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence), please.

Dude, that Guacamole Double Cheeseburger® from Carls’s Jr. is really making my colon gnarly!

This has never happened to me before. Can we can just cuddle?



December 27, 2019


Five Hipster Books

To Kale a Mockingbird

From Here to Urban Outfitters

A Beard Grows In Brooklyn

Their Eyes Were Watching Wes Anderson

The Artisanal Grapes of Wrath


Five Euphemisms For Pregnancy

In the family way

Up the duff

Go Go Gadget Zygote!

Cribbin’ the ute

Pulling a Duggar


Five Reasons to Hate Winnie the Pooh

He’s not a real bear

He got his stupid head stuck in a honey jar

He hunted the heffalump to extinction

He smells like wet stuffing

He poohs in the woods


Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Leave on a ferry, Gary.

Grab an axe and decapitate, Nate.

Shove her bloody face in, Jason.

Dose her with strychnine, er –uh, Rick … stein.

Get your gun and shart shootin’, Putin.


Five Retroactove Product Placements in Movies

“Well I got her number. How do you like them Snapples?”

“They call me Mister Pibbs!”

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinet.”

“As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again – thanks to Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine!”

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some BUSH’s Baked Beans and a nice Franzia, the wine in a box.”



December 13, 2019


Five of My Favorite Sci Fi Clichés

The future is the past (and vice versa)

It all happened in the blink of an eye

Groundbreaking scientist/doctor thinks outside the box is killed by said box

Aliens visited Earth eons ago and that why they look like us or us them

Everything you know is about to change


Five Business I Once Thought Were Real People

Sherwin Williams

Baskin Robbins

Bennon Jerry

Hewlett Packard

General Mills


Five Countries That Sound Like Food







Five Mistakes I’ll Never Make Again

Locking keys in car on first date

Trusting a scientologist

Not reading the list of ingredients

Buying the Extended Warranty



Five Rarely Used Luncheon Meats


Palmolive Loaf


Scorned beef

Hidethe Salami


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1980s version)

November 25, 2019

I discovered this old FIVE RANDOM FIVE back from the days of my old LISTSERV column, Sparky Mac’s Super Crucial Totally Boss Deadly Fresh Fun Happen’en! Not sure if it’s still as relevant as it was in 1986, but it wastes time – so enjoy!


Five Trends That Need To Go Away Soon

Car phones


The Mullet

Valley Girl Speech



Five Lessons Learned From Hands Across America

The common cold is a communicable disease

Bodacious babes like to save the world

Some people have reeeaaally sweaty palms

R2D2 has hands?!

“Across” is a very vague term


Five Reasons I Hate The Rubik’s Cube

Can’t get it to work without taking it apart

Squares be buggin’

Girlfriend left me for some bohunk who solved it in 60 seconds

The colors make me gag

Rubik is like a total hoser


Five Women I’d Marry Immediately If They Asked

Rebecca DeMornay

Stacey Q

That Cutie from the Starship Video “Sara”

Rae Dawn Chong

Tie: The Go Gos / The Bangles


Five Things You’ll Never Hear During a Game of Gauntlet

“It’s morning in America.”

“Why is there a watermelon there?” “I’ll tell you later.”

“Valkyrie, your lifeforce is bitchin’!”

“Avoid the Noid.”

“I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble, I just came here to do The Super Bowl Shuffle!”



November 9, 2019


Five Women I’d Marry Immediately If They Asked

Teryl Rothery

Taylor Swift

Krysten Ritter

Judy Greer

Mrs. Butterworth’s


Five Overrated Things

YouTube Stars

The hashtag


Craft beer

Fan theories about TV shows


Five Historical Goats

Johann Goatenberg

Archduke Francis Ferdinannie

Alexander the Gruff

Nicholas Capricornicus

Billie the Kid


Five Good Reasons Not To Tip

You were seated next to the kitchen.

The wait staff was abusive.

Your entrée was still mooing.

The check was written in blood and, when read aloud, summoned several demons that tortured and killed your family.

It’s an outmoded practice that deserves scorn, derision and active rejection.


Five Things I’ll Never Say

This head cheese is phat yumptious!

Bartender, could you change the channel to TLC?

What this song needs is another rap breakdown.

‘Sup, bro? Check out my man-bun.

I bet that new James Bond movie passes the Bechdel test!



October 18, 2019


Five Signs Your Gardener Hates You

Hedges trimmed into shape of a middle finger

Your koi pond is full of piranha

“Flowers” look suspiciously like poison ivy

Grass hasn’t been mowed since the Reagan administration

All the fertilizer he uses is his own


Five Deadly Sandwiches


Peanut butter and gelignite

Semiautomatic shawarma

Tuna fission bomb

Sloppy OJ


Five Ridiculous Stereotypes

Norwegians are the worst forklift operators in the world

Kalahari Bushmen can’t parallel park worth a damn

Buddhist monks think renter’s insurance is a rip off

Virgos will make dentist appointments and cancel them at the last minute

Mimes smell like sweat and peppermint


Five TV Jobs I Think I’d Hate

Bus driver (Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners)

Shoe salesman (Al Bundy, Married… with Children)

Butcher (Sam, The Brady Bunch)

Propane salesman (Hank Hill, King of the Hill)

Real Housewife (any location)


Five Really Bad Reasons to Donate a Kidney

Someone triple dog dared you

Thought it was a good idea after about 80 beers

Horoscope said, “Give of yourself today.”

Wanted to impress Jodie Foster

Gall bladder and kidney couldn’t co-exist peacefully – and one had to go!



September 16, 2019


Five Ways To Make Political Debates Better

All responses must be limited to 280 characters

Replace moderator with Lucha libre wrestler

Flub a question, do a shot

Monkeys (everything’s better with monkeys!)

Pre-empt them


Five Odd Relationship Dealbreakers

Your feng shui doesn’t match

Constantly fills DVR with repeats of Ghost Hunters

She starts dressing like your mom and calling you by your dad’s name

He sleeps with an autographed picture of Chuck Woolery

His foreplay consists solely of Travis Bickle’s “You talkin’ to me?” monologue


Five Reasons I’ve Got A Mancrush on Nathan Fillion

His rugged Canadian-bred good looks

He’s worked with Stephen Spielberg

He voiced Green Lantern in a few DC Comics animated films

He co-founded a charity to get more books into underfunded libraries

He was Mal freakin’ Reynolds on Firefly!!!!


Five Signs You’re Obsessed With Fantasy Football

Your wife asks you to take out the trash while you’re watching the game and you contact a divorce attorney

Your dogs are named Draft and King

In the last calendar year, you spent more time coming up with a team name than you did with your kids

You set your line-up instead of delivering your father’s eulogy

You call out Patrick Mahomes’ name during sex


Five Rarely Used Twitter Hashtags