Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category


September 2, 2019


Five Douche-tastic Animals


Galápagos tortoise

Grolar bear

Lobster from the Jersey Shore

A dog that does crossfit


Five Candy Musicals

Hershey Kiss Me Kate

5th Avenue Q

The Goodbar Girl

Bring in ‘da Noise, Bring in ‘da Chunky

The Drowsy Toblerone


Five Muppet Tax Deductions

Felt repair and maintenance

Ping pong balls (under vision care)

Dry cleaning


Chicken lube (Gonzo only)


Five Frozen Yogurt Toppings In Hell

Razor blades

Molten lava

Your nuts

The tears of the damned

None. There’s no frozen yogurt. It’s hell, dude.


Five Reasons To Hate Your Cable Company

Your monthly bill costs more than your car payment.

Installation tech does doughnuts on your lawn.

Your wife moans “Comcast” in her sleep.

Their on hold music is Nickelback.

Your name is Brad and the newest channel on their lineup is the Brad Sucks Channel.




August 26, 2019


Five Overrated Things

Dancing Competition Shows

Greeting Cards

Uber Eats

Back to School



Five Breakfast Cereal Mascot Fears

Fear of scurvy – Cap’n Crunch

Fear that Snap will kill him in his sleep – Pop

Fear of being institutionalized – Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

Fear of Irish stereotypes – Lucky the Leprechaun

Fear he will be forgotten – Yummy Mummy


Five Game Shows In Hell

The Price Is Right Up Your Colon

Name That Festering Mass

Squeal Or No Squeal

To Smell The Toot

Cash Cab


Five Rejected Care Bears

Sleazytime Bear

Inoperable Bear

Big Hairy Bear

Exeunt Pursued By Bear

Shhh! Our Little Secret Bear


Five Ways The World Would Be Different If Pop-Tarts Were Legal Tender

Kellogg’s would be the new US Mint

Banks would smell awesome

“Crazy Good” replaces “In God We Trust”

Anyone caught with Toaster Strudel would be jailed for counterfeiting

I would be broke because I’d eat my entire savings account



August 5, 2019


Five Novelty Songs

Junk Food Junkie (Larry Groce)

Fish Heads (Barnes & Barnes)

Der Fuhrer’s Face (Spike Jones)

Take Off (Bob & Doug McKenzie)

King Tut (Steve Martin)


Five Spice Girl-Seven Dwarf Hybrids


Doc Scary

Baby Sneezy




Five Sentences I’ve Never Spoken (And Never Will)

“Fill ‘er up – with delicious goose gravy!”

“One senior ticket for Crawl, please.”

“Rookie Wookiee nookie bookie cookie Snooki.”

“Duke rules!”

“Reality television is not ruining the small screen.”


Five Things I Hope Scientists Never Find Cause Cancer



Comic Books

British comedies

Feeling superior to idiots


Five Movies That Sound Like They Could Be Porn

Gleaming the Cube

Romancing the Stone

The Big Red One

Feeling Minnesota

Driving Miss Daisy


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Comic Con Edition)

July 23, 2019


Five Sci Fi Heroes I Think Are Kinda Dickish

Han Solo




Marty McFly


Five Geeky Autographs I’ve Gotten

Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy author

Graham Chapman, Monty Python

Jon Pertwee, Doctor Who #3

Evan Dorkin, creator of Milk & Cheese

Mr. McFeeley, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood


Five Rejected My Little Ponies

Cinnamon Bundlesnort

Starfish Tinkleberry

Tammy Fay

Gretchen Fetchen Candyretchen

Mr. Ed


Five Super-Hero Maladies

Iron Mania

Eye Strain (Cyclops)

Captain Amnesia

Sore Back (any female drawn by Adam Hughes)

Thor Thumb


Five Geek Pickup Lines

I have every episode of Space: 1999 on Laserdisc.

If you think my Doctor Who scarf is long…

Aren’t you a little hot for a Stormtrooper?

If you were a comic book, your condition would be very fine!

I just cast an engorgio spell – in my pants!


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Superman Edition)

June 22, 2019


Five Least Marketable Superman Family Characters

Superman’s Landlord, Larry Lewis

Ploppo the Super-Grouper

Clark Kent’s Optometrist

Craig Luthor, Lex’s younger, less successful brother

Yok-El, Superman’s Redneck Kryptonian Cousin


Five Unknown Superman Weaknesses

Can’t do Sudoku

Heat vision doesn’t work on gazpacho

Vulnerability to yodeling


A hot dog makes him lose control


Five Jimmy Olsen Complaints

Superman doesn’t trust him with his secret identity

Daily Planet 401K sucks

Clark Kent won’t join him on LinkedIn

Krypto always greets him by sniffing his crotch

At office parties, Perry White gets a little “handsy”


Five Rarely-Used Superman Nicknames

The Man of Molybdenum


The Flying Buttress

The Metropolis Meatball

The Illegal Alien from Krypton


Five Valuable Superman Comic Books

Action Comics #1 – first appearance

Superman #61 – first kryptonite

Superboy #14 – Clark Kent uses x-ray vision to spy on Lana Lang in shower

Action Comics #663 – Lex Luthor tries Propecia

World’s Finest #52 – Superman & Batman in drunken threesome with Hawkgirl



May 31, 2019


Five Musically-Inspired Crayola Colors

New Kids on the Black



Simply Red



Five Future Stupid Internet Fads

Cameling (posing on all fours with something stuffed under your shirt on your back to resemble a hump)

Drumsticking (eating imaginary chicken)

Saucering (holding up large round objects over your eyes)

Evolutioning (multiple people posing as the various stages from the evolution of man chart)

Papering (sticking toilet paper on the bottom of your shoe in fancy situations i.e. wedding photos & graduations pics)


Five Sounds of Silence


One hand clapping

Audience at a Yanni concert

Commitmentphobe’s reaction to “Do you love me?”

Butter screaming


Five Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Flavors

Rainforest Crunk

Phish Poop

Hubby Chubby

Upchucky Monkey

Cherry Andy Garcia


Five Iron Man Complaints

Electromagnet in chest makes TSA screenings hell

Stark Industries’ Dow Jones abbreviation is STAIN

A-holes who hum that Black Sabbath song in elevators

Pepper seems to have the hots for that dude in Coldplay

In summer, armor cooks chumblies like a baked potato in tin foil



May 4, 2019


Five Forgotten SPAM Precursors

BORK – Pork shoulder and beef

MUCK – Chicken and mutton

DAM – Duck mixed with ham

FEEF – Fish and beef

PENISON – Venison with pork


Five Cartoon Crushes

Daphne from Scooby Doo

Jessica Rabbit

Sailor Moon

She-Ra, Princess of Power

Josie and the Pussycats


Five Times Seven Equals … 



Can I phone a friend?

I was told there would be no math

I don’t need to know that – my mom’s Lori Loughlin


Five Signs Sesame Street Characters Hate You

Bert & Ernie have unfriended you on Facebook

Every morning your lawn is full of trash courtesy of a certain Grouch

Grover the waiter always spits in your soup

Cookie Monster makes throat slashing motions whenever he sees you

The tell-tale yellow feather in the bird poop on your car


Five Unfortunate Prom Themes

A Stairway to Heaving

A Night to Dismember

Enchantment Under the Stairs

Save the Last Dance for MeeMaw

Cupid’s Balls


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Game Of Thrones Edition)

April 13, 2019


Five Lesser Daenerys Targaryen Titles

The Bellicose Blonde

She Who Must Be Obeyed

Westeros’ Top Model

Queen of All Double Dragon Players

Terminator Genisys Apologist


Five George R. R. Martin Excuses For Not Writing

Windows 10 keeps crashing

Writer’s block … or brain freeze … er, which one do you get from eating ice cream?

Even I can’t keep all these meshuga characters straight

Trying to research the sex scenes but no one will have sex with me

I just love to make slobbering fanboys wait


Five Things Jon Snow Will Never Say

Enough fighting – let’s mamba!

I’m all out of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!

That wall looks a little high … and I’ve got a touch of vertigo.

Kiss me, Littlefinger.

Holy crap – I really do know nothing!


Five Game of Thrones Breakfast Cereals


Hodor Puffs

Unsullied Oats

Raven Bran

The Cereal Has No Name


Five Things A Dumb Guy Watching GoT Says 

I’m not sure them dragons is real.

If it’s winter why don’t they just put on a sweater?

If my sister looked like Cersei, I’d do her too.

Where the hell’s Gandalf?

I wish “Ballers” was on.



April 5, 2019


Five Rarely Used Map Features

Shundle – small hill, higher than a mound, lower than a ridge

Thripp – dried up estuary

Preel – sandy enclosure surrounded by a thicket

Strunt – dilapidated hut, usu. of military origin

Bwlchcaerpont – lane connecting two or more Welsh communities


Five Things My Grandmother Had That I Thought Were Kinda Useless & Dumb

S&H Green Stamps

A hot water bottle

Lawrence Welk LPs

A Ronco Veg-O-Matic

My mother


Five Movie Lines With A Key Word Replaced With Monkey

Go ahead. Make my monkey.

I love the smell of monkey in the morning.

You’re gonna need a bigger monkey.

Nobody puts monkey in the corner.

Monkeys? We ain’t got no monkeys. We don’t need no monkeys! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ monkeys!


Five Lame Excuses

I’ll be out of town then.

It was the chair.

I’m washing my hair.

My dog ate my homework

It happens to every man.


Five Movies Playing In Hell

Eternal Damnation of the Spotless Mind

Some Like It REALLY Hot

Madea Goes To Hell

Paths of Gory

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked


Five Random Five (Valentine’s Edition)

February 12, 2019


Five Embarrassing Crushes

The Super Nanny

Dame Judi Dench

Melissa Etheridge

Peter Scolari as Hildegarde in Bosom Buddies

Cheetara (Thundercats)


Five Unfortunate Valentine’s Day Memories

Chicken pox – third grade

Had candy hearts superglued to forehead by a-hole roommate in college after I fell asleep

High school girlfriend allergic to flowers I sent her

Romantic dinner for two turned into awkward dinner for three when she brought her boyfriend (2005)

First boy/girl party in middle school and I inadvertently spent “7 Minutes In Heaven” with an American Girl doll


Five Bad Excuses to Turn Down a Date

Dog in heat

Just got Ant-Man and the Wasp on Blu-ray

Building life-size model of Orson Welles out of Legos

Roadying for REO Speedwagon reunion tour

Those Pottery Barn catalogs won’t recycle themselves!


Five Rejected Conversation Heart Sayings

Hands Off, Creep-O!

Future Taylor Swift Ex


Who’s Your Caddy?

Be My #1 & I’ll #2


Five Les Misérables Pickup Lines

I dreamed a dream of you and me in a three-way.

Oh, I will make you hear the people sing, baby!

At the end of the day, you’d better go home with me.

You are the hottest toothless, hairless prostitute I’ve ever seen!

My number may be 24601, but yours is a solid 10!