Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category


January 24, 2017

Five Days The Music Died

Buddy Holly’s plane crash (1959)

John Lennon’s assassination (1980)

KISS goes make-up free (1983)

The “Soy Bomb” incident (1998)

The release of Kevin Federline’s album (2008)


Five Nursery Rhyme Characters That Are Dicks

Old King Cole

Wee Willie Winkie

Georgie Porgie

Little Jack Horner

Cock Robin


Five Reasons To Watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

Lost a bet

Easily swayed by pop culture icons

Remote went missing – can’t change channel

Your family looks like saints compared to these vain, talentless famewhores

Haven’t been the same since that mule kicked you in the head


Five Puzzling & Regrettable Cracker Jack Prizes

An opened ketchup packet



A crude drawing of Seth Meyers

A smaller, tinier box of Cracker Jacks


Five Signs You’ll Never Be Nominated For An Academy Award

Your movie was shot on your phone in your parent’s basement

Your “animated short” is nothing but a VHS of an old Popeye cartoon

The screenplay was adapted from a Denny’s menu

Sound track consists solely of fart noises

Your name is Vin Diesel


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Halloween Edition)

October 28, 2016

Five Treats Worth Tricking Over

Caramel Apples


Mr. Goodbar Miniature

Nik-L Nips

Luden’s Cough Drops


Five Costume Ideas I’m Considering

The Walking Dead (Jerry Garcia as a zombie)

Bernie Sanders

Uncle Grandpa

The Crunchberry Beast



Five Other Vampire Weaknesses

Shrimp forks in the elbow

Pillow fights

Sunny D

Long Division

Sister Wives marathons on TLC


Five Bad Haunted House Ideas

Giant bowl of lukewarm soup

Sauna full of Duggars

Community bulletin board full of spelling errors

Trailer park garage sale

KFC with a B sanitation grade


Five Horror Movies That Would Suck

The Cabinet of Dr. Philgari

Drag Me To Helsinki

The Blair from The Facts of Life Project

When A Stranger Caulks

Rosemary’s Bieber

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Autumn Edition)

October 10, 2016

Five Other Things Christopher Columbus Discovered



Himself at age 13


After five weeks on a cramped ship, 40 men begin to smell a bit gamey


Five Sounds Of Fall

Turkey shoots

Haunted houses

Football games

Punkin chunkin’

Leaves screaming as they die


Five Lesser Known General Mills Monster Cereals

Gargoyle Grape

Vanilla Yeti

Devils Food Demon


Krispy Kraken


Five Homecoming Dance Faux Pas

Spiking the punch

Mouthing off at a chaperone

Stepping on your date’s toes

Making fun of the poor girls’ dresses

Attending even though you graduated in the 90s


Five Signs Your Halloween Costume Sucks

All the other kids laugh at you

You got it on sale at the Dollar Tree

You ran out of toilet paper for your mummy after wrapping only your shin

Everyone gives you extra candy because they feel sorry for you

My mom made it

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (90s Version)

September 27, 2016

Five Giant Sucking Sounds

Grunge music

Saturday Night Live since Mike Myers & Dana Carvey left

That bugg’n Big Mouth Billy Bass

The ending to Alien: Resurrection

Tie: NAFTA / Ross Perot


Five Women I’d Marry Immediately If They Asked

Ginger Spice

Baby Spice

Posh Spice

Scary Spice

Melissa Etheridge (sorry, Mel C)


Five Things I’ll Never Get Tired Of

Music Videos on MTV


Crystal Pepsi

My Geo Metro

The comic genius of Bill Cosby


Five Things That Have Kept Me Awake At Night

Mad Cow Disease



Milli Vanilli scandal

No more Calvin & Hobbes!!!!! (Seriously, Watterson, that’s wack!)


Five Ways My Tamagotchi Died


Dropped it in the garbage disposal

Dog ate it

Natural causes (as far as you know)

Laughing its freakin’ ass off at that knockoff beeotch Giga Pet


September 18, 2016

Five Rejected Emmy Award Categories

Outstanding Comedy Series That’s Really A Drama Series

Show People Pretend To Watch To Seem Hip

Best Police Procedural That’s Not “Ripped From the Headlines”

Most Overrated Late Night Host

Outstanding Guest Appearance By An Actor Who’s Only Doing It For The Paycheck


Five Bad Names For A Comedy Club


Catch A Bloated Star

The Comic Stripped, Shaved And Left For Dead

The Donkey Punchline

The Laff Sweatshop


Five Fantasy Football Faux Pas

Missing Your League’s Draft

Drafting Nothing But Kickers

Naming Your Team After The League Commissioner’s Dead Mom

Your Entire Line-Up Is Composed Of Players You Did Not Draft

Halfway Through The Season, You Realize You’ve Been Playing Fantasy Foosball


Five Things I’ve Regretted Saying

“I can work an extra shift.”

“Yeah, honey, I’d love to meet your ferret.”

“No dessert for me.”

“One adult ticket for The Last Airbender, please.”

“I do.”


Five Other Illnesses Hillary Clinton Has Been Diagnosed With


Liberal Palsy

Pantsuit Rash

Billpolar Disorder

Illness? What – No, Hillary Doesn’t Have Any Illness! What Have You Heard?

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Back To School Edition)

August 27, 2016

Five Embarrassing School Memories

Spit Up Milk On Teacher – 9th Grade

Mispronounced “Comfortable” When Narrating Film Strip – 1st Grade

Fly Open During Oral Report – 11th Grade

Danced As Christmas Tree In Holiday Pageant – 2nd Grade

Accidentally Killed A Substitute Teacher – 5th Grade


Five Awesome School Supplies

Pen With Four Colors Of Ink

Erasers Shaped Like Animals

Fully Loaded Backpack

New Kids On The Block Lunchbox

The Trapper Keeper


Five Rejected Prom Themes

Midnight On Parris Island

A Black & Blue Ball

One Infected Evening

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

Entrapment Under The Sea


Five Stupid Thesis Topics

The Films Of Adam Sandler As A Metaphor For The Cold War

Grandma’s Menopause

The Jerky Boys: Where Are They Now?

Mad Libs and Women’s Lib

Fire In The Hole: The History Of Spicy Curry


Five Signs Your Teacher Loves You

He slips you notes in class

Asks you to stay behind every day for an entire semester

When you answer a question, he asks you to repeat it – but slower and “make your voice a little more breathy”

During lunch, she stands outside the cafeteria holding a boombox like John Cusack in “Say Anything”

She grades you on her curves


August 13, 2016

Five Druid Complaints

Smelly Ceremonial Robes

Mistletoe Shortages

That Stuck Up Know-It-All Pliny The Edler

Casual Pagans Who Only Attend On Solstices

An Untidy Henge (if you know what I mean)


Five Rarely-Used Twitter Abbreviations

ROTFS – Rolling On The Floor Spasming

DIAFCA –Die In A Firefly Cosplay Accident

NSFP – Not Safe For Perth (Australia only)


ICYBMI – In case You BMed It


Five Extreme Sports





Ace Of Base Jumping


Five Bad Choices For Ringtones

Someone chewing tinfoil

The screams of the damned

A loud fart

Utter silence

John Cage’s full composition of Organ²/ASLSP (look it up)


Five Hillary Clinton Fears

An unmotivated electorate

Vladimir Putin’s hardline politics

Bill will figure out how to remove his tracking monitor


Someone will discover where the bodies are actually buried

Five Random Five (Geek Edition)

July 22, 2016

Five Geek Pickup Lines

I have every episode of Space: 1999 on Laserdisc.

If you think my Doctor Who scarf is long…

Aren’t you a little hot for a Stormtrooper?

If you were a comic book, your condition would be very fine!

I just cast an engorgio spell – in my pants!


Five Nick Fury Complaints

Lack of depth perception

Life model decoys make my ass look fat

SHIELD helicarrier runs on used cooking oil so clothes always smell like french fries

Howling Commandos won’t accept Facebook friend requests

As cool as Samuel L. Jackson makes me look, I can never live down the fact I was once played by David Hasselhoff


Five Rejected My Little Ponies

Cinnamon Bundlesnort

Starfish Tinkleberry

Tammy Fay

Gretchen Fetchen Candyretchen

Mr. Ed


Five Comic-Con Nightmares

The panel featuring Joss Whedon was cancelled

That one Slave Leia cosplayer who made Mama Cass look svelte

I ran out of Travelers Cheques on Day 2

Matt Smith called my bowtie “fawning and obsessive”



Five Signs You’re Addicted To Pokémon

When ordering at the drive thru, you say things like “Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I choose you!”

Your Squirtle-shaped swimming pool

Your résumé lists Team Rocket as a reference

The Pikachu tattoo on your ass

Number of Pokémon tournaments you’ve entered – 65 / Number of dates you’ve had – 0


May 31, 2016

Five Dog Songs

Collar Me

Walkies On Sunshine

Harlem, Shake! Good Boy!

You Can Call Me Alpo

Who Let The Us Out?


Five Lesser Known X-Men

The Toolverine


The Breast

Charlie Pryde



Five Really Stupid Conspiracy Theories

The moon landing was real but the moon was fake

Squirrels can read the minds of nuts

The documentary “Inside Job” was, in fact, an inside job

Chemtrails are really lines of coke for God

ED drugs were created by the government to mind control the flaccid


Five Historical Game Shows

Let’s Make A New Deal

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Columnist?

Battle Of The Network Tsars

Beat The Hippie

Vlad, Vlad … Don’t Impale Me!


Five Ways To Defeat Donald Trump

Introduce a viable Conservative third party candidate

Expose the underlying fallacy of his campaign

Stab him in the heart with the Sword of Truth

Destroy all his horcruxes

Trick him into saying his name backwards so he has to return to his home dimension


April 16, 2016

Five Produce Items That Sound Vaguely Dirty




Butternut Squash



Five Signs Your Tax Preparer Is An Idiot

When audited, pretends he can’t speak English

Thinks IRS is sexually transmitted

Got his degree on Craigslist

Let’s you deduct your Doctor Who DVDs as a medical expense

On your federal return, lists your occupation as “job”


Five Lesser Known New Elon Musk Inventions

A unicycle with two wheels

Superglue that doubles as a contraceptive

Can opener that cats can’t hear

A reverse turducken

An air guitar that actually plays music


Five Board Game Character Ailments

Gramma Nutt, Candyland – Diabetes

Lizzie Hippo, Hungry Hungry Hippos – Bulimia

Rich Uncle Pennybags, Monopoly – Gout

Cavity Sam, Operation – Hypochondria

Colonel Mustard, Clue – Herpes (contracted in a library tryst with Miss Scarlet)


Five Odd Relationship Dealbreakers

She doesn’t know Esperanto

He bathes like a cat

His wardrobe consists exclusively of concert tees and jorts

During sex, she insists you wear an Alex Trebek mask and only answer in the form of a question

You say “to-MAH-toh” and he says, “Why the hell are you talking like that?”