Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Superman Edition)

June 22, 2019

 

Five Least Marketable Superman Family Characters

Superman’s Landlord, Larry Lewis

Ploppo the Super-Grouper

Clark Kent’s Optometrist

Craig Luthor, Lex’s younger, less successful brother

Yok-El, Superman’s Redneck Kryptonian Cousin

 

Five Unknown Superman Weaknesses

Can’t do Sudoku

Heat vision doesn’t work on gazpacho

Vulnerability to yodeling

Commitment

A hot dog makes him lose control

 

Five Jimmy Olsen Complaints

Superman doesn’t trust him with his secret identity

Daily Planet 401K sucks

Clark Kent won’t join him on LinkedIn

Krypto always greets him by sniffing his crotch

At office parties, Perry White gets a little “handsy”

 

Five Rarely-Used Superman Nicknames

The Man of Molybdenum

S-Head

The Flying Buttress

The Metropolis Meatball

The Illegal Alien from Krypton

 

Five Valuable Superman Comic Books

Action Comics #1 – first appearance

Superman #61 – first kryptonite

Superboy #14 – Clark Kent uses x-ray vision to spy on Lana Lang in shower

Action Comics #663 – Lex Luthor tries Propecia

World’s Finest #52 – Superman & Batman in drunken threesome with Hawkgirl

 

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FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 31, 2019

 

Five Musically-Inspired Crayola Colors

New Kids on the Black

ChumbawUmber

P!nk

Simply Red

LMFAOrange

 

Five Future Stupid Internet Fads

Cameling (posing on all fours with something stuffed under your shirt on your back to resemble a hump)

Drumsticking (eating imaginary chicken)

Saucering (holding up large round objects over your eyes)

Evolutioning (multiple people posing as the various stages from the evolution of man chart)

Papering (sticking toilet paper on the bottom of your shoe in fancy situations i.e. wedding photos & graduations pics)

 

Five Sounds of Silence

Crickets

One hand clapping

Audience at a Yanni concert

Commitmentphobe’s reaction to “Do you love me?”

Butter screaming

 

Five Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Flavors

Rainforest Crunk

Phish Poop

Hubby Chubby

Upchucky Monkey

Cherry Andy Garcia

 

Five Iron Man Complaints

Electromagnet in chest makes TSA screenings hell

Stark Industries’ Dow Jones abbreviation is STAIN

A-holes who hum that Black Sabbath song in elevators

Pepper seems to have the hots for that dude in Coldplay

In summer, armor cooks chumblies like a baked potato in tin foil

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 4, 2019

 

Five Forgotten SPAM Precursors

BORK – Pork shoulder and beef

MUCK – Chicken and mutton

DAM – Duck mixed with ham

FEEF – Fish and beef

PENISON – Venison with pork

 

Five Cartoon Crushes

Daphne from Scooby Doo

Jessica Rabbit

Sailor Moon

She-Ra, Princess of Power

Josie and the Pussycats

 

Five Times Seven Equals … 

…uuuuhhhhhh…

57?

Can I phone a friend?

I was told there would be no math

I don’t need to know that – my mom’s Lori Loughlin

 

Five Signs Sesame Street Characters Hate You

Bert & Ernie have unfriended you on Facebook

Every morning your lawn is full of trash courtesy of a certain Grouch

Grover the waiter always spits in your soup

Cookie Monster makes throat slashing motions whenever he sees you

The tell-tale yellow feather in the bird poop on your car

 

Five Unfortunate Prom Themes

A Stairway to Heaving

A Night to Dismember

Enchantment Under the Stairs

Save the Last Dance for MeeMaw

Cupid’s Balls

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Game Of Thrones Edition)

April 13, 2019

 

Five Lesser Daenerys Targaryen Titles

The Bellicose Blonde

She Who Must Be Obeyed

Westeros’ Top Model

Queen of All Double Dragon Players

Terminator Genisys Apologist

 

Five George R. R. Martin Excuses For Not Writing

Windows 10 keeps crashing

Writer’s block … or brain freeze … er, which one do you get from eating ice cream?

Even I can’t keep all these meshuga characters straight

Trying to research the sex scenes but no one will have sex with me

I just love to make slobbering fanboys wait

 

Five Things Jon Snow Will Never Say

Enough fighting – let’s mamba!

I’m all out of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!

That wall looks a little high … and I’ve got a touch of vertigo.

Kiss me, Littlefinger.

Holy crap – I really do know nothing!

 

Five Game of Thrones Breakfast Cereals

Wester-Os

Hodor Puffs

Unsullied Oats

Raven Bran

The Cereal Has No Name

 

Five Things A Dumb Guy Watching GoT Says 

I’m not sure them dragons is real.

If it’s winter why don’t they just put on a sweater?

If my sister looked like Cersei, I’d do her too.

Where the hell’s Gandalf?

I wish “Ballers” was on.

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 5, 2019

 

Five Rarely Used Map Features

Shundle – small hill, higher than a mound, lower than a ridge

Thripp – dried up estuary

Preel – sandy enclosure surrounded by a thicket

Strunt – dilapidated hut, usu. of military origin

Bwlchcaerpont – lane connecting two or more Welsh communities

 

Five Things My Grandmother Had That I Thought Were Kinda Useless & Dumb

S&H Green Stamps

A hot water bottle

Lawrence Welk LPs

A Ronco Veg-O-Matic

My mother

 

Five Movie Lines With A Key Word Replaced With Monkey

Go ahead. Make my monkey.

I love the smell of monkey in the morning.

You’re gonna need a bigger monkey.

Nobody puts monkey in the corner.

Monkeys? We ain’t got no monkeys. We don’t need no monkeys! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ monkeys!

 

Five Lame Excuses

I’ll be out of town then.

It was the chair.

I’m washing my hair.

My dog ate my homework

It happens to every man.

 

Five Movies Playing In Hell

Eternal Damnation of the Spotless Mind

Some Like It REALLY Hot

Madea Goes To Hell

Paths of Gory

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

 

Five Random Five (Valentine’s Edition)

February 12, 2019

 

Five Embarrassing Crushes

The Super Nanny

Dame Judi Dench

Melissa Etheridge

Peter Scolari as Hildegarde in Bosom Buddies

Cheetara (Thundercats)

 

Five Unfortunate Valentine’s Day Memories

Chicken pox – third grade

Had candy hearts superglued to forehead by a-hole roommate in college after I fell asleep

High school girlfriend allergic to flowers I sent her

Romantic dinner for two turned into awkward dinner for three when she brought her boyfriend (2005)

First boy/girl party in middle school and I inadvertently spent “7 Minutes In Heaven” with an American Girl doll

 

Five Bad Excuses to Turn Down a Date

Dog in heat

Just got Ant-Man and the Wasp on Blu-ray

Building life-size model of Orson Welles out of Legos

Roadying for REO Speedwagon reunion tour

Those Pottery Barn catalogs won’t recycle themselves!

 

Five Rejected Conversation Heart Sayings

Hands Off, Creep-O!

Future Taylor Swift Ex

MILF-tastic

Who’s Your Caddy?

Be My #1 & I’ll #2

 

Five Les Misérables Pickup Lines

I dreamed a dream of you and me in a three-way.

Oh, I will make you hear the people sing, baby!

At the end of the day, you’d better go home with me.

You are the hottest toothless, hairless prostitute I’ve ever seen!

My number may be 24601, but yours is a solid 10!

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All-Animal Edition)

February 4, 2019

 

Five Signs You Married A Monkey

Your compost bin is 90% full of banana peels

Some spouses nitpick; she picks nits

Her family reunions take place in a zoo

That big red ass

Instead of throwing the bouquet, she flings her poo

 

Five Bird Names I Can’t Believe Are Bird Names

Slaty-breasted tinamou

Southern screamer

Erect-crested penguin

Tawny frogmouth

Cinnamon-frosted crampstuffer

 

Five LOLcat Wannabes

BFFzebras

DIAFparrots

WTFbears

BDSMturtles

LMFAOtters

 

Five Dolphin Complaints

Those bastards at Sea World

Fin rot

Since he went Hollywood, Flipper never returns calls

Racists who confuse us with porpoises

Handsy tourists who always wanna stick something in the blowhole

 

Five Reasons Old McDonald Should Be Locked Up

Farm is really a front for illegal pot operation

Runs fetish site involving free range eggs and a some busty milkmaids

“Old McDonald” really a codename for Russian mob hitman

Mrs. McDonald is buried out behind the chicken coop

He’s racked up a list of crimes against nature so extensive that he’s consistently atop PETA’s Most Wanted list

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 19, 2019

 

Five Bachelor Party Faux Pas

Playing D&D

Getting married to a Keno girl

Drawing genitals on the face of the passed out best man in permanent marker

Bringing, drinking or even mentioning Zima

Burying the hooker you killed out in the desert in a shallow grave that’s sure to be easily discovered

 

Five Bad Make Out Songs

Do They Know It’s Christmas? – Band Aid

Me So Horny – 2 Live Crew

The Curly Shuffle – Jump ‘N the Saddle

Pretty much anything by the Dead Kennedys

Luka – Suzanne Vega

 

Five Signs Your Breakfast Cereal Is Possessed

The instant it’s poured, the milk turns to blood

The ghost on the Boo Berry box is real

Your Alpha-Bits spell out “Prince of Darkness” and “666”

Cap’n Crunch’s head rotates 360 degrees

The perfunctory Snap, Crackle, Pop is followed by a statement of what your mother sucks in hell

 

Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words

Fugue

Peso

Astrolabe

Blue Jar

Cute Lincoln

 

Five Nick Fury Complaints

Lack of depth perception

Life model decoys make my ass look fat

SHIELD helicarrier runs on used cooking oil so clothes always smell like french fries

Howling Commandos won’t accept Facebook friend requests

As cool as Samuel L. Jackson makes me look, I can never live down the fact I was once played by David Hasselhoff

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 29, 2018

 

Five Things I’m Honestly Not Quite Sure What They Are

Black Mirror Bandersnatch

Longitude & latitude

Chicory

Flying buttresses

Wiz Khalifa

 

Five Little Known New Year’s Traditions

Making revolutions

Swinging the first axe of the new year

Mocking the bee

Eating Chiclets off a cousin’s torso

Listening to the Black-Eyed Peas and Green Day

 

Five Updated Grimm’s Fairy Tales

Rapunzel, Vampire Slayer

Snow White, Alien Hunter

Cinderella, Zombie Taxidermist

Tom Thumb, Thumb Warrior

Rumpelstiltskin, Stilt Skinner

 

Five Rarely Used Yoga Positions

Plumber’s Moon

Crazy Aunt at Bingo

Pie in the Face

Hot Cheese Burning Roof of the Mouth

Downward Snoop Dogg

 

Five Children’s Book Characters’ Secret Fears

Waldo – Being Alone

The Man in the Yellow Hat – Monkeypox

Peter Rabbit – Hasenpfeffer

The Lorax – Moustache lice

The Hardy Boys – Finding out Nancy Drew’s really a dude

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Holiday Edition)

December 14, 2018

 

Five Unpopular Holiday Songs

Santa Rabies

Over Joan Rivers and Through James Woods

I Saw Three Shemps

Winter Wonderbra

I’m Dreaming of a White Kwanzaa

 

Five Things I’d Like To Unwrap Christmas Morning

The Walking Dead Compendium

Roku

The Monkees The Complete TV Series on DVD

Anything Hello Kitty

Milana Vayntrub

 

Five Santa Claus Fears

The elves will revolt.

Red makes him look fat.

The Krampus will beat him in his fantasy football league.

Some kids will put Ex-Lax in the cookies they leave out for him.

Mrs. Claus will find the love letters to Yukon Cornelius on his hard drive.

 

Five Odd Christmas Superstitions

If you sleep with your feet on your pillow, Santa will bring you honey.

A tree that leans forward augurs either impotence or restlessness.

Wear no socks on Boxing Day and your true love will propose.

Place grapes in your stocking to ward off evil.

Elves will hide in the cracks of your ceiling and suck out your breath while you sleep if you’ve been naughty.

 

Five Holiday Character Confessions

“I’ve eaten venison.” – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

“My cardiomyopathy makes me cranky.” – The Grinch

“I’ve been embezzling from the Savings & Loan for years.” – George Bailey

“I pretend that I’m melting but I’m really just peeing.” – Frosty the Snowman

“I’m Jewish.” – Charlie Brown