Archive for the ‘Five Random Five’ Category

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Game Of Thrones Edition)

April 13, 2019

 

Five Lesser Daenerys Targaryen Titles

The Bellicose Blonde

She Who Must Be Obeyed

Westeros’ Top Model

Queen of All Double Dragon Players

Terminator Genisys Apologist

 

Five George R. R. Martin Excuses For Not Writing

Windows 10 keeps crashing

Writer’s block … or brain freeze … er, which one do you get from eating ice cream?

Even I can’t keep all these meshuga characters straight

Trying to research the sex scenes but no one will have sex with me

I just love to make slobbering fanboys wait

 

Five Things Jon Snow Will Never Say

Enough fighting – let’s mamba!

I’m all out of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!

That wall looks a little high … and I’ve got a touch of vertigo.

Kiss me, Littlefinger.

Holy crap – I really do know nothing!

 

Five Game of Thrones Breakfast Cereals

Wester-Os

Hodor Puffs

Unsullied Oats

Raven Bran

The Cereal Has No Name

 

Five Things A Dumb Guy Watching GoT Says 

I’m not sure them dragons is real.

If it’s winter why don’t they just put on a sweater?

If my sister looked like Cersei, I’d do her too.

Where the hell’s Gandalf?

I wish “Ballers” was on.

 

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FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 5, 2019

 

Five Rarely Used Map Features

Shundle – small hill, higher than a mound, lower than a ridge

Thripp – dried up estuary

Preel – sandy enclosure surrounded by a thicket

Strunt – dilapidated hut, usu. of military origin

Bwlchcaerpont – lane connecting two or more Welsh communities

 

Five Things My Grandmother Had That I Thought Were Kinda Useless & Dumb

S&H Green Stamps

A hot water bottle

Lawrence Welk LPs

A Ronco Veg-O-Matic

My mother

 

Five Movie Lines With A Key Word Replaced With Monkey

Go ahead. Make my monkey.

I love the smell of monkey in the morning.

You’re gonna need a bigger monkey.

Nobody puts monkey in the corner.

Monkeys? We ain’t got no monkeys. We don’t need no monkeys! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ monkeys!

 

Five Lame Excuses

I’ll be out of town then.

It was the chair.

I’m washing my hair.

My dog ate my homework

It happens to every man.

 

Five Movies Playing In Hell

Eternal Damnation of the Spotless Mind

Some Like It REALLY Hot

Madea Goes To Hell

Paths of Gory

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

 

Five Random Five (Valentine’s Edition)

February 12, 2019

 

Five Embarrassing Crushes

The Super Nanny

Dame Judi Dench

Melissa Etheridge

Peter Scolari as Hildegarde in Bosom Buddies

Cheetara (Thundercats)

 

Five Unfortunate Valentine’s Day Memories

Chicken pox – third grade

Had candy hearts superglued to forehead by a-hole roommate in college after I fell asleep

High school girlfriend allergic to flowers I sent her

Romantic dinner for two turned into awkward dinner for three when she brought her boyfriend (2005)

First boy/girl party in middle school and I inadvertently spent “7 Minutes In Heaven” with an American Girl doll

 

Five Bad Excuses to Turn Down a Date

Dog in heat

Just got Ant-Man and the Wasp on Blu-ray

Building life-size model of Orson Welles out of Legos

Roadying for REO Speedwagon reunion tour

Those Pottery Barn catalogs won’t recycle themselves!

 

Five Rejected Conversation Heart Sayings

Hands Off, Creep-O!

Future Taylor Swift Ex

MILF-tastic

Who’s Your Caddy?

Be My #1 & I’ll #2

 

Five Les Misérables Pickup Lines

I dreamed a dream of you and me in a three-way.

Oh, I will make you hear the people sing, baby!

At the end of the day, you’d better go home with me.

You are the hottest toothless, hairless prostitute I’ve ever seen!

My number may be 24601, but yours is a solid 10!

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All-Animal Edition)

February 4, 2019

 

Five Signs You Married A Monkey

Your compost bin is 90% full of banana peels

Some spouses nitpick; she picks nits

Her family reunions take place in a zoo

That big red ass

Instead of throwing the bouquet, she flings her poo

 

Five Bird Names I Can’t Believe Are Bird Names

Slaty-breasted tinamou

Southern screamer

Erect-crested penguin

Tawny frogmouth

Cinnamon-frosted crampstuffer

 

Five LOLcat Wannabes

BFFzebras

DIAFparrots

WTFbears

BDSMturtles

LMFAOtters

 

Five Dolphin Complaints

Those bastards at Sea World

Fin rot

Since he went Hollywood, Flipper never returns calls

Racists who confuse us with porpoises

Handsy tourists who always wanna stick something in the blowhole

 

Five Reasons Old McDonald Should Be Locked Up

Farm is really a front for illegal pot operation

Runs fetish site involving free range eggs and a some busty milkmaids

“Old McDonald” really a codename for Russian mob hitman

Mrs. McDonald is buried out behind the chicken coop

He’s racked up a list of crimes against nature so extensive that he’s consistently atop PETA’s Most Wanted list

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 19, 2019

 

Five Bachelor Party Faux Pas

Playing D&D

Getting married to a Keno girl

Drawing genitals on the face of the passed out best man in permanent marker

Bringing, drinking or even mentioning Zima

Burying the hooker you killed out in the desert in a shallow grave that’s sure to be easily discovered

 

Five Bad Make Out Songs

Do They Know It’s Christmas? – Band Aid

Me So Horny – 2 Live Crew

The Curly Shuffle – Jump ‘N the Saddle

Pretty much anything by the Dead Kennedys

Luka – Suzanne Vega

 

Five Signs Your Breakfast Cereal Is Possessed

The instant it’s poured, the milk turns to blood

The ghost on the Boo Berry box is real

Your Alpha-Bits spell out “Prince of Darkness” and “666”

Cap’n Crunch’s head rotates 360 degrees

The perfunctory Snap, Crackle, Pop is followed by a statement of what your mother sucks in hell

 

Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words

Fugue

Peso

Astrolabe

Blue Jar

Cute Lincoln

 

Five Nick Fury Complaints

Lack of depth perception

Life model decoys make my ass look fat

SHIELD helicarrier runs on used cooking oil so clothes always smell like french fries

Howling Commandos won’t accept Facebook friend requests

As cool as Samuel L. Jackson makes me look, I can never live down the fact I was once played by David Hasselhoff

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 29, 2018

 

Five Things I’m Honestly Not Quite Sure What They Are

Black Mirror Bandersnatch

Longitude & latitude

Chicory

Flying buttresses

Wiz Khalifa

 

Five Little Known New Year’s Traditions

Making revolutions

Swinging the first axe of the new year

Mocking the bee

Eating Chiclets off a cousin’s torso

Listening to the Black-Eyed Peas and Green Day

 

Five Updated Grimm’s Fairy Tales

Rapunzel, Vampire Slayer

Snow White, Alien Hunter

Cinderella, Zombie Taxidermist

Tom Thumb, Thumb Warrior

Rumpelstiltskin, Stilt Skinner

 

Five Rarely Used Yoga Positions

Plumber’s Moon

Crazy Aunt at Bingo

Pie in the Face

Hot Cheese Burning Roof of the Mouth

Downward Snoop Dogg

 

Five Children’s Book Characters’ Secret Fears

Waldo – Being Alone

The Man in the Yellow Hat – Monkeypox

Peter Rabbit – Hasenpfeffer

The Lorax – Moustache lice

The Hardy Boys – Finding out Nancy Drew’s really a dude

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Holiday Edition)

December 14, 2018

 

Five Unpopular Holiday Songs

Santa Rabies

Over Joan Rivers and Through James Woods

I Saw Three Shemps

Winter Wonderbra

I’m Dreaming of a White Kwanzaa

 

Five Things I’d Like To Unwrap Christmas Morning

The Walking Dead Compendium

Roku

The Monkees The Complete TV Series on DVD

Anything Hello Kitty

Milana Vayntrub

 

Five Santa Claus Fears

The elves will revolt.

Red makes him look fat.

The Krampus will beat him in his fantasy football league.

Some kids will put Ex-Lax in the cookies they leave out for him.

Mrs. Claus will find the love letters to Yukon Cornelius on his hard drive.

 

Five Odd Christmas Superstitions

If you sleep with your feet on your pillow, Santa will bring you honey.

A tree that leans forward augurs either impotence or restlessness.

Wear no socks on Boxing Day and your true love will propose.

Place grapes in your stocking to ward off evil.

Elves will hide in the cracks of your ceiling and suck out your breath while you sleep if you’ve been naughty.

 

Five Holiday Character Confessions

“I’ve eaten venison.” – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

“My cardiomyopathy makes me cranky.” – The Grinch

“I’ve been embezzling from the Savings & Loan for years.” – George Bailey

“I pretend that I’m melting but I’m really just peeing.” – Frosty the Snowman

“I’m Jewish.” – Charlie Brown

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Holiday Edition)

December 3, 2018

 

Five People Who’ve Accidentally Received Santa’s Mail

Carlos Santana

Kriss Kross

Rick Santorum

Nic Cage

Satan

 

Five Elf Complaints

Elves in China make toys cheaper

Yukon Cornelius gets a little “handsy” after a few beers

Get a tan and people think I’m an Oompa Loompa!

Frosty won’t friend me on Facebook

Those sellouts at Keebler

 

Five Reindeer Games

Antler Toss

Elf Tipping

Spitting for distance

Pictionary

Making Rudolph’s life a living hell

 

Five Rarely-Performed Holiday Tunes

Ding Dong Merrily I’m High

Little Drummer Goy

Grandma Got Rear Ended By A Reindeer

Let it Snizzle! Let it Snizzle! Let it Snizzle!

Chet’s Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire

 

Five Questions Kids Ask Mall Santas

How do you know I’ve been naughty?

Why do you hate the Jewish kids?

Can you make a present so big even you can’t lift it?

Is Mrs. Claus a MILF?

Why do you smell like desperation and failure?

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Thanksgiving Edition)

November 19, 2018

 

Five Regrettable Macy’s Parade Balloons

Hitler’s Moustache – 1937

Rob Lowe Dancing with Snow White – 1989

Occupy Wall Street – 2012

Nixon with a metal detector – 1973

Brian Dunkelman – 2002

 

Five Little Known Thanksgiving Traditions

Gravy dancing

Tryptophantasy football

Turducken chuckin’

Stuffing the second cousin

The pardoning of the yams

 

Five Pilgrim Complaints

That boat was really cramped.

The New World smells like ass.

Those #@&% posers in Jamestown.

Buckle hats are soooo 1618!

Squanto and Myles Standish should just get a room, already!

 

Five Pie Injuries

Hot cobbler blisters

Crust in the eye

Sprained meringue

A la mode on the knee

Carpal tunnel rhubarb

 

Five Broadway Musicals for Turkeys

The Best Little Henhouse In Texas

A Chorus Brine

Joseph and the Technicolor Butterball

Kinky Snoods

Giblets Over Broadway

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

October 15, 2018

 

Five Vehicle-Related Songs

Cars – Gary Numan

The Key to Her Ferrari – Thomas Dolby

Hot Rod Lincoln – Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen

Ol’ 55 – The Eagles 

Chevy Van – Sammy John

 

Five Potato Weapons

Potato Gun

Brass Russet

Yam-a-pult

Nuclear Murphy

Switchspud

 

Five Really Great Hiding Places for Hide ‘N’ Go Seek

In the laundry hamper

Outside (even though the rules expressly forbid it)

Duct taped to bathroom ceiling

Directly behind the Seeker

Narnia (accessible through wardobe only)

 

Five Fictional Crushes

Daphne from Scooby Doo

Anne of Green Gables

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

St. Pauli Girl

She-Hulk (Sensational, not Savage)

 

Five Forgotten Folk Heroes

Soapy Jim, Cleanest Rascal West of the Pecos

Sweet Sally Shortbread, Grateful Dead Groupie

Manicured Mel, Gunslingin’ Dandy

Johnny Applebee’s

Carl Birnbaum, Paul Bunyan’s Accountant