Archive for November, 2013

Thanksgaven

November 29, 2013

Ah, another Turkey Day come and gone. Fun, festivities and family all fed and fattened on a farrago of feasts and football.  

But jiminy – there was that one awkward moment there, woo boy, where silence gripped the dining room and the assembled looked on agape in confusion. No, I’m not talking about Uncle Virgil’s tradition of burping “Over the River and Through the Woods.” No. That always brings rousing applause.  

No, I’m speaking of that horrible, affected instant where we go around the table and all have to share what we are thankful for.  

Sure, it seems easy. “I’m thankful for good food and good family.” Pshaw, old hat. And true, most have no problem choosing a favorite grace to acknowledge.   (more…)

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Thanks For Nuthin’

November 27, 2013

As we move headfirst into the holiday season and you prepare to gorge yourself on Ben Franklin’s national bird of choice (or a nice vegan substitute – no judgement), let us take a moment to think of those less fortunate than ourselves. Like the cast of We Are Men, Carlos Danger, Derrick Rose, Jonas Brothers fans, anyone who paid full price to see Smurfs 2 or After Earth, McRib eaters, Jacksonville Jaquars season ticket holders, Lara Logan, that elk that headbutted that photographer, President Obama, kids who get the Captain America shield for Christmas, and the citizens of Toronto.

Anyhow, the point is … well, there really isn’t a point. Need and desperation and misfortune come in all shapes and sizes, no matter who you are. One man’s Thanksgiving is another man’s thanks-for-giving-us-the-shaft-and-taking-our-land. It all depends on which side of the meal you’re on. I mean, basically, no amount of cranberry sauce, stuffing, bowl games, parades or cheesy holiday specials can make it a nifty keen day for the turkey, right?

So, eat hearty, my friends! Give thanks, where appropriate. Enjoy yourselves. But don’t get too full of yourself `cuz, hey, this ain’t a very special episode of Blossom or anything.

GET TO KNOW ME!

November 26, 2013

I like to maintain an air of mystery. An enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a crisp, caramel nougat shell. Still, you send me letters and queries and I guess it’s time to open up a little. So here you go. Some of your questions answered.

WHY THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE? Well, to be honest, it started out as an act of community service but like many things that are good for you which you’re forced to do as part of your plea bargain it soon became a habit, if not a keen way to offset my addiction to Candy Crush Saga.

DO YOU GET ANY MONEY OUT OF THIS? Technically, no. That is to say, I receive no actual monetary recompense, per se, from the online fun that is THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE. However, the money I get in exchange for things such as product placement (Drink Mountain Dew Kickstart!) and speaking engagements more than compensates me for my time.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FILM? Hard to say. Either Monkey Trouble or C.H.U.D.

PAPER OR PLASTIC? Paper, when paying. Plastic, when bagging.

WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND I LIKE TO…? Make haggis and practice my rhythmic gymnastics.

WHAT FACT WOULD PEOPLE BE SURPRISED TO LEARN ABOUT YOU? That I’m actually a registered Libertarian. Or maybe that I was an extra in Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.

WHAT BODY PART WOULD YOU LEAST MIND LOSING IN AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT? My nose.

I SUBSCRIBE TO…? Omni, Zoobooks, O and Stuff.

WHAT’S THE BEST TUNA? Chicken of the Sea.

WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? The manager of a Shakey’s pizza. Ah, so close and yet so far.

HOW’D YOU GET THAT SCAR? An angry ex and an Oral-B.

WHICH COMIC STRIP CHARACTER DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH? Henry. You know – that mute, bald-headed kid. I dunno. He just speaks to something inside of me.

I’LL NEVER LET MY KIDS…? Join the Colombia Record and Tape Club.

I’M ALLERGIC TO…? Pigweed and the Amish.

WAS THAT YOU ON AMERICA’S MOST WANTED? I’ll never tell!  J

WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU GIVE TO YOUNG PEOPLE? Stay in school. Don’t do drugs. Support your local no-kill animal rescue group. And never, never ever, use your hands to retrieve something you dropped in a public toilet. 

Sparky MacMillan is a myth. Men like him are our last hope… and in that sense, he is a truly dangerous man.

 

Somebody Save Me

November 24, 2013

Supposedly, as it was told, Superman was born on February 29th. At least, that was the pat response that DC Comics and staff would give when queried as to the date of the Man of Steel’s birth by mail or at conventions or cocktail parties. Me, I always found that explanation to be a bit glib. Born on leap day? As if that explained the comic book contrivance of aging at a slower rate than the readership. If so, what about Batman? Or Wonder Woman? Or Julius Schwartz? And was the 29th supposed to be the day he was born on Krypton… or the date he arrived on Earth and was adopted by the Kents? The apathetic answer, designed to quiet fanboys, disturbed me greatly as a young collector. But, to be honest, what really disturbs me the most about this whole Superman’s birthday commotion was how much time I spent obsessing over that particular piece of four-color minutiae when I was a teenager!

Yep, I didn’t date much in high school.

Soda Jerks

November 23, 2013

I saw this ad before a movie the other night and while I’m hip to the warm and fuzzy vibe the Coca-Cola company is intensely trying to put out here I couldn’t help but come to believe that the polar bears in the ad aren’t being overly hospitable but rather are merely seeking to fatten up the poor puffin with a 140 calorie soda so as to make him a more succulent dinner for when these carnivores tear into him like a – like – like a – well, a polar bear on a puffin.

Back In Brak

November 21, 2013

Don’t Touch Me. Just ‘cuz.

People I Hate #211 (In A Series)

November 18, 2013

Who: The guy who opened the gourmet popcorn store at the mall.

Why: I’m assuming this dude didn’t just open it on a whim. He probably went to business school or worked as a manager some place where he learned his trade and I think it’s safe to assume he did some research and got a small business loan or some investors. So what business model does he choose? A proven franchise? A novel tried and true retail outlet with a local flavor? No. The nichiest of specialty boutiques, a gourmet popcorn store. Does he think people wake up every day and say to themselves, “Hey – I could really go for a bag of cotton candy flavored kettle corn. Let’s head to the mall!” or something stupid like that? Hell no – gourmet popcorn is an impulse purchase at best and this joker has decided to put all his economic eggs in one weak-assed gimmicky basket. He might as well call the store “Gone In 90 Days!”

How I justify it: He’s just taking up space that could be a Sanrio or a Halloween Express or something useful. Don’t waste my time – or my mall space!

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #11

November 17, 2013

When I was a kid, my Uncle Manny would always come over and say, “Hey, kid, I wanna give you something special!” Then he’d do something juvenile like give me a wedgie or a noogie or a purple nurple or swirly or something like that. And then he’d laugh all nasally and weird. The first few times, I came a-running, expecting something really cool. By the time I was 12, I learned to hide in the priest hole in the back of my closet whenever I saw his ’69 Pontiac Firebird come up the driveway.

Last I heard, Manny was driving an RV cross-country. Not his RV, mind you … which would explain the police pursuit.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

November 14, 2013

Five Overrated Things

Sriracha

Tractor Pulls

3D Movies

Anything Starbucks

Groupon

 

Five Times It’s Sad To Be Alone

Your birthday

Using the carpool lane

At the end of the world

Couples skate

Doing the wave

 

Five Things That Kinda Sound Like “Sparky”

Spanky

Stuckey’s

Spark Notes

CPO Sharkey

Twilight Sparkle

 

Five Douchebags Whose Name I Didn’t Know A Year Ago

A. J. Clemente

Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford

Edward Snowden

Ted Cruz

Richie Incognito

 

Five Signs You Eat Too Much Pork

You sweat bacon

The ghost of Jimmy Dean appears to you nightly

The pigs picketing in front of your house

Whenever you read The Three Little Pigs to your kid, you salivate like Pavlov’s dogs

Your intestines are like Carnivale for trichina worms

Poop, There It Is.

November 12, 2013

No, Charmin. Just- no.

charmin-asgardian-hed-2013

It’s bad enough you subject us to the cartoon pooping bears but you cannot start up with the butt puns as well.

So stop it before I tear you a new one, about which you would no doubt make a pun.