I like to maintain an air of mystery. An enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a crisp, caramel nougat shell. Still, you send me letters and queries and I guess it’s time to open up a little. So here you go. Some of your questions answered.
WHY THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE? Well, to be honest, it started out as an act of community service but like many things that are good for you which you’re forced to do as part of your plea bargain it soon became a habit, if not a keen way to offset my addiction to Candy Crush Saga.
DO YOU GET ANY MONEY OUT OF THIS? Technically, no. That is to say, I receive no actual monetary recompense, per se, from the online fun that is THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE. However, the money I get in exchange for things such as product placement (Drink Mountain Dew Kickstart!) and speaking engagements more than compensates me for my time.
WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FILM? Hard to say. Either Monkey Trouble or C.H.U.D.
PAPER OR PLASTIC? Paper, when paying. Plastic, when bagging.
WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND I LIKE TO…? Make haggis and practice my rhythmic gymnastics.
WHAT FACT WOULD PEOPLE BE SURPRISED TO LEARN ABOUT YOU? That I’m actually a registered Libertarian. Or maybe that I was an extra in Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.
WHAT BODY PART WOULD YOU LEAST MIND LOSING IN AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT? My nose.
I SUBSCRIBE TO…? Omni, Zoobooks, O and Stuff.
WHAT’S THE BEST TUNA? Chicken of the Sea.
WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? The manager of a Shakey’s pizza. Ah, so close and yet so far.
HOW’D YOU GET THAT SCAR? An angry ex and an Oral-B.
WHICH COMIC STRIP CHARACTER DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH? Henry. You know – that mute, bald-headed kid. I dunno. He just speaks to something inside of me.
I’LL NEVER LET MY KIDS…? Join the Colombia Record and Tape Club.
I’M ALLERGIC TO…? Pigweed and the Amish.
WAS THAT YOU ON AMERICA’S MOST WANTED? I’ll never tell! J
WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU GIVE TO YOUNG PEOPLE? Stay in school. Don’t do drugs. Support your local no-kill animal rescue group. And never, never ever, use your hands to retrieve something you dropped in a public toilet.
Sparky MacMillan is a myth. Men like him are our last hope… and in that sense, he is a truly dangerous man.