Archive for December, 2017

December 27 Trivia Rankings

December 28, 2017

A fun week to cap off 2017, Quizlings! Thanks for joining us. We wish you a happy new year and hope you’ll join us each and every week in 2018 for more Tomato Jake’s trivia.

Next week (January 3), the gift basket raffle in on! If you haven’t been with us since early December, here’s how you can maximize your raffle chances:

  1. Bring a newbie (one per person)
  2. Post a flier (for your chance at 50 extra raffle tickets!)
  3. Bring a non-expired can of food for cats, dogs or humans (one ticket per can – all will be distributed to local food banks and pet pantries)

This week was about African peaks, Washington memorials and life outside Earth. Plus there was this musical odyssey…

Now let’s see how your team did this week.

I Shot My Eye Out! 69
Carrie On Forever 68
Go FCC Yourself 67
E=MC Hammer 65
Little Green Toenail 62
All I Got For Christmas Was A Lug Wrench 59
Darth Vader’s The Bad One 58
Men Not Hot 58
The Octopi 56
We’re Taking Names And Checking ThemTwice 56
Dwight Eisenhower 44
A Team Has No Name 42
What Rhymes With Scrooge? 41
Ducking Around 28
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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

December 24, 2017

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Just a cute kiddie song, right? Hardly. The little brat singing the ditty is all a-titter that his mom’s liplocking old St. Nick – y’know, just pasting a big wet one on the Jolly Old Elf – snogging Father Christmas right good. The kid has no earthly idea that it’s his own dad. In fact, the little dipwad opines, “What a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night?” Ya think, ya little doofus? Oh yeah, I’m sure Pops would have been pleased as punch to catch his wife making out with another guy, Spirit of Christmas or not. Let’s face it – if the kid is correct in any sense (and it’s not his old man in a fake beard playing tonsil hockey) that means “Mommy” is, at best, a flirt and a cheat – at worst, whoring herself out to get the kid his Christmas presents.

Face it. Your entire childhood is one seriously screwed up pastiche of Freudian mishigas.

10 Things About Christmas That Really Bug Me

December 22, 2017

I know, I know. “Bah humbug,” right? Hardly. I’m not in this to demean the season. Christmas is cool. But there are definitely a few things about it that really bug me. Not the lines and mall parking lots and how people seem to forget how to drive the last few days before the big day. No, those really piss me off, sure, but I’m talking the odd things here and there that most people wouldn’t even think twice about. Like a stupid conversation at the table next to you while you’re dining out, these things just annoy me to the point that my holiday experience in toto is diminished.

Everything’s Closed. “We will be closed on December 25 so that we can spend Christmas with our families.” Really? Honestly? What about people without families? What about those folks who don’t celebrate Christmas? Shouldn’t they be working? No way. Christmas is a holiday and pretty much everyone takes it off regardless of religion or intent. Like how you willingly take Memorial Day off but don’t bother even a second to remember the men and women who’ve sacrificed for our country while you grill hot dogs and sun yourself at the beach. Not that I begrudge anyone a day off but I just resent having to limit my cuisine choices to Chinese food if I choose to dine out on 12/25.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. Well, keep it to yourself. I’m sick of hearing about it. You want snow? Then you want traffic fatalities and freezing temps and ice storms and old people being stacked up like cordwood. Snow sucks. You like snow? Move to Greenland!

The music. Sure Yule ditties like Wonderful Christmastime and Feliz Navidad, just to name two, should be lumped in with water boarding as forms of torture, but I can narrow down my seasonal bile to one song, one moment that so irks me I can barely type this because it makes me think of it: Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree. The original Brenda Lee version. I try to block it out of my memory but it’s when she sings, “Rockin’ around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop.” Then there’s this note – this evil note – that sounds like some instrument being strangled. It goes up in pitch a bit. I can’t even describe it. I don’t know music well enough to understand its origins. I only know that were I certain what instrument made this sound I might go on a one-man crusade to destroy each and every one of them to ensure this sound was never recreated ever again.

Naughty or nice. Even as a kid, this moral absolute bothered me. I could be pretty good all year but do one bad thing and all that good was cancelled out? How naughty did you have to be? I mean, I knew some nasty bullies that always seemed to get stuff from Santa every year. What the heck was the fat man’s criteria? And no one ever got coal or switches. The whole thing seemed like nothing more than a way for parents to control their kids. Which it was.

The Nutcracker. Don’t get it. Never will. It’s ballet. Church is bad enough – now I have to watch ballet? Dammit.

The science of Santa. It never fails. Every year some goon releases statistics on how fast Santa’s sleigh would have to travel to make his rounds and how, using wormholes and tesseracts and whatnot, he could actually deliver the presents in one night – and even how, through genetic engineering, possibly create a flying reindeer. Every year. IT’S PRETEND, YOU UBER-GEEKS! At the very least, it’s magic. So shut the hell up.

Which brings me to …

Legit news going soft to track Santa. I went to CNN’s web site one year and on the front page was the headline “Santa makes first US stop in Florida.” NORAD is tracking Santa, they claimed. I even heard on NPR that the US government had lifted airspace restrictions to allow Santa to fly on his rounds. Again: IT’S PRETEND, PEOPLE!!!!! I’m all for creating a mystique for kids but I resent the lessening of legitimate journalistic sources through fictitious means. Somehow I just don’t see Edward R. Murrow making up this crap.

A Christmas Carol. Not that it’s a bad story. Hell, it’s a great story! Wonderful characters and just a superlative Dickens tale! Yet every time I read it or see it portrayed, I can’t help but think that Scrooge was really a great big a-hole and that maybe he was the last person on Earth to deserve such a wholesale shot at redemption by the entire netherworld.

It’s a Wonderful Life rip-offs. Every sitcom seems to do one. Every character seems to have that George Bailey moment. Every one of us, we are led to believe, has a guardian angel ever ready to make us see the light. Which, of course, is complete BS. Would the world really be worse off if Skippy from Family Ties had never been born? Don’t know. Love to find out though.

Tangerines and nuts in stockings. Lame. Just bloody lame. Even Tiny Tim wasn’t this lame.

Sparky MacMillan still wants a hula hoop.

December 20 Trivia Rankings

December 21, 2017

What a great night! Some new faces and returning faces. Luckily all the faces were attached to actual human bodies otherwise it would have been really gross and probably sticky.

Remember to post those fliers for your share of 50 extra raffle tickets. Also, bring a newbie next week and bring a gift to re-gift as well. Extra raffle tickets for all who please me!

What was all the fuss about? We sang The Chanukah Song, dedicated the Statue of Liberty and caught the Immaculate Reception. Plus we discovered that Krampus is more popular than Helen Gurley Brown.

And there was this holiday tune…

Now let’s see how the teams ranked this week.

BB-H8 67
One Of Our Attorneys Is A J, J, Jedi 67
When I Think About You I Touch My Elf 66
All I Want For Christmas Is A Brownie 65
Ho³ 64
Trump Is Just A Snoke Screen For The GOP’s Dark Side 62
Free Bitcoins Outside 60
Is Pizza Tax Deductible? 59
I’m Dream Of A Sunny Christmas 58
25% Tax On The Trivia Rich 58
I’m Not Gay But $20 is $20 55
Star War On Christmas 53
The War On Christmas 52
Our Team Didn’t Show 52
Everyday Esoterics 51
Sportmanship Not Required 47
We Thought This Was Speed Dating 46
Budweiser? I Hardly Know Her 45
Sparky’s Banned Word List 31

TCM Remembers 2017

December 18, 2017

You don’t have to cry. But then again you don’t have to be human either.

CSI: Crime Seuss Investigation

December 15, 2017

It is with sad regret that I must report on the passing of a beloved holiday icon.

Dr. Seuss’ Grinch, one-time Christmas stealer, was found dead in his mountain home near Whoville early last Saturday. The coroner’s report attributed his death to an enlarged heart.

Whoville M.E., Quincy Q. Who, noted that some physiological change had apparently occurred within the last twenty-four hours causing the Grinch’s heart to grow as much as three times its normal size. “Normally, a Grinch’s heart is a very small muscle; one could say an empty hole.” He went on to explain, “Their cardiovascular systems are not very well developed at all.”

The catalyst that supposedly caused this heart malfunction remains unknown, although sources report that, sometime before his death, the Grinch consumed a large quantity of Whovian Roast Beast, causing his cholesterol levels to rise to an enormous rate.

The Grinch is survived by an unnamed dog and Cindy Lou, his common law wife.

December 13 Trivia Rankings

December 14, 2017

A lovely crowd for a chilly December eve – but in all honesty it would be a lovely crowd for any month or weather condition. Thanks for coming out to play!

Remember: trivia every Wednesday into the New Year. And in that aforementioned New Year there is a Gift Basket Raffle on January 3rd. Get a raffle ticket every week just for playing. You can also get an extra raffle ticket for bringing a newbie (one per week). And you can get your share of FIFTY tickets by posting a flier – post a Tomato Jake’s Trivia Night flier (an official one, please) on any bulletin board where people can see it, take a picture of the posted flier and show me. Post as many as you like – each flier is one share of that 50 raffle ticket pot. Also – for next week only – wear a tacky holiday sweater or tie and get an extra raffle ticket … but you must wear it the entire time you’re at trivia!

This week? It was all about Time covers and Netflix tweets and Elton John’s almost EGOT. And then there was this flashback to the decade of Reagan:

Now here are this week’s trivia rankings. See you next week, Quizlings!

Screw You, Moore, And The Horse You Tried To Ride In On 72
Just Like California, We’re On Fire 64
Moore Time For Horseback Riding 64
Roy No Moore  64 (more than 8)
Is Prince William The Last Jedi? 64
This Is My Step Ladder (I Never Knew My Real Ladder) 63
Freedom Avengers 63
No Moore Alabama Jokes 63
Poor Ole Sassy 62
Write-In 60
Santa’s Giant Sack 60
The Caboose (Will Be Last) 58
I Was From Alabama Before It Was Cool 57
Tomato Jake’s: The New HQ 56
‘Bama, Magenta Tide 56
Oh, Hi, Mark 54

But What’s Up With That Seal?

December 11, 2017

I could go into deep detail about my longtime love/hate relationship with the 1960s Batman television series … how the show’s camp nature seemed to forevermore stain the public psyche where the Dark Knight was concerned yet how much damn fun the whole mishigas was so it almost offsets my ire …

I could go into detail about it all but I think this clip speaks for itself…

A Piece of the Action

December 9, 2017

At the office, whenever there’s a birthday card to be signed for a co-worker, I always write the same thing: I know it’s you who’s been stealing stuff from the supply cabinet but I won’t tell anyone if you give me the biggest slice of cake. Surprisingly, I’m right most of the time. And I really get some amazing slices of cake out of it.

cake

December 6 Trivia Rankings

December 7, 2017

A subdued crowd, perhaps, but a fun night for all was had – and how lovely to see some returning and new faces. Spread the word – trivia every Wednesday throughout the holidays. Don’t miss a week!

What happened this week? Some awesome suggestions for the potential gift basket* for starters. There was also talk of Grammy nominations, the Woman of the Year and Dr. Seuss opening lines. Of and there was this piece of celluloid magic…

Now check out this week’s team rankings:

Spoiler Alert: It Ain’t Sticking 70
How ‘Bout Them Dawgs 70
Trump Moves Embassy Suites To Jerusalem 68
Scoring Better Than The Entire Russian Winter Olympic Team 64
Jerusalem #NotMyCapital 64
Moore Teens The Better 64
This Team Name Is G Rated 62
Not Russian To The Olympics 61
Earth Is The World’s Largest Globe 59
Ajit Has Bandwidth If User Has Coin 57
The Russian Dopes 57
I Want To Jingle Your Bells 50

*suggestions for the gift basket included Curious Perfume, Lego Set of Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Sno-Caps, The Room DVD, Framed Picture of Danny Devito as the Penguin, Cocaine, Blow-Up Doll, Bob Ross Chia Pet, Giant Red Gummi Bear, My Little Pony Socks, One of the those Electronic Twirling Forks You Use to Eat Spaghetti, Gift Cards, Cupcakes, Hot Chocolate Mix, Cash, 60″ Samsung HDTV Smart TV, Ring Pops, Pony, AOL Disc, Massage Envy Gift Card, Brownies, Sour Patch Kids, $6000, Cookies, Booze-Infused Marshmallows, Kangaroo Jack DVD (Director’s Cut), One Mint, Dildos, Candy, iPod, Glen’s Home Phone Number, Spencer’s Gift Card, Hair Ties & Bobby Pins, Pop Tarts (Brown Sugar Cinnamon), Dog-Themed Movies (Except Marley & Me), Football, Ping Pong Balls, Solo Cups, Gel for Tim’s Hair and Straight Cash. Great suggestions. Well, good suggestions. Okay, suggestions. And I can guarantee that if we do a gift basket for the end of the year then at least ONE of those suggestions will be in the basket. (Um, Glen – what’s your home phone number?)