Party Animal

September 16, 2017

On a dare, I once put a whole birthday cake in a blender and made a smoothie out of it, candles and all. Drank every last bit of it. I got sick and threw up into the piñata. Boy, were those kids surprised when they beat that papier-mâché donkey and vomit came spewing out.

Needless to say, I was fired from that Chuck E. Cheese shortly thereafter.


September 13 Trivia Rankings

September 13, 2017

Awesomeness ensued. That’s what I want on my tombstone. It also describes the action that went down Wednesday night at Tomato Jakes. “Awesomeness ensued.”

The was a Terminator head, canine cinema and treats for Rosie, Ace, Sugar and Anthony. Plus this slow jam:

Now here are the rankings for the week:

J Is For Genius 70
Went To Orlando – All I Got Was This Stupid Hurricane 68
Mike Pence Hacked Ted Cruz’s Twitter Account 65
Where Were You And Your Bitches Last Week 63
Equifu** 62
Ted Cruz Promises He’s Never Liked Porn 62
Alexa, Is God Mad At Us? 62
Cassini is Taking A Dive 61
No Way, Jose 60
For Sale – Newly Minted Oceanfront Property 59
Thanks For Nothing, Equifax 58
Globetrotters 57
Pickles 54
Zodiac Twitter Hack 53
5 Dogs, 1 Park 53
Muffin Bullets 53
Somebody Tell Chipotle That’s Nacho Cheese 45
You Don’t Know Jac 31

The Dog Days of Trivia

September 12, 2017

We’re celebrating Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia’s Eighth Anniversary All MONTH LONG and it’s still not too late to get in on the fun!

On September 27, we’re holding our raffle for, among other things, a free night’s stay for two at a nifty Durham hotel. You don’t have to be present to win and you get one raffle ticket just for playing (one per week). The raffle is only open to Quizlings 18 and above due to the nature of the prize.

You can also pick up extra raffle tickets for bringing a newbie (one per week), posting a flier to out trivia night (one per week) and donating a new dog toy for our canine pals (no limit).

So, doing the math, if you come out to play this week and bring a friend who’s never been to our trivia night before and you show me a picture of a flier you posted on a public bulletin board where local folks can view it and you bring five new dog toys to donate, then that’s … mumbling under breath … carry the one … eight raffle tickets you get this week alone! That’s some major odds in your favor!

Spread the word! Bring your friends! Bring your enemies (best to keep them closer)! Just help us celebrate 8 years of fantastic trivia at Tomato Jake’s Pizzeria throughout the month of September!


September 10, 2017

Five Signs You’re Addicted To Pokémon

When ordering at the drive thru, you say things like “Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I choose you!”

Your Squirtle-shaped swimming pool

Your résumé lists Team Rocket as a reference

The Pikachu tattoo on your ass

Number of Pokémon tournaments you’ve entered – 65 / Number of dates you’ve had – 0


Five Reasons To Have Kids

Someone to look after you in your dotage

Irreponsable about birth control

Cheap labor

Need an excuse to drive a mini-van

To sit next to non-breeders in restaurants and annoy the hell out of them


Five Nicknames for Your Hand

High-Five Fanatic

The Glove Stuffer


Clap Happy

The Back-up Girlfriend


Five Hanna-Barbera Characters I Think Are Jerkwads

Precious Pupp

Yankee Doodle Pigeon

The Great Gazoo

Ranger Smith



Five Deadly Snack Crackers

Goldfission Bomb


The Nekotomicon


Ginger Snaps-Your-Neck-Without-A-Second-Thought

By The Power Of Jennifer Greyskull!

September 7, 2017

I’m not sure what they’re selling but man oh man these Masters of the Universe can sure as hell boogie.

Yowza! I’ve just had the time of my life!

September 6 Trivia Rankings

September 6, 2017

Maybe it was the rain. Maybe it was school. Maybe a late summer vacation. Whatever kept a lot of regulars away … well, it’s all moot, innit? Those who were there know it was a great night for trivia! There was ice cream and a Zelda t-shirt and doggie treats for Sophie and Rosie (two canines not afraid to get a little damp). In short: loads of Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia funzies.

What you missed if you were away? Cookie knock-offs, huge conflagrations and a big-ass LEGO monstrosity. And there was this patriotic cinematic moment…

Now here are the team rankings (and, yes, those are decimal points). How’d you do?

Can Someone Explain American Horror Story To Me? 68
Will Lie About Engagement For Brownie 62.5
Boston Teams Cheat More Than Ben Affleck 61.5
Salvador Dali – You Are NOT The Father 59
Dreaming of a Brownie 53
Losers 53
Nuclear North Korea: That Ain’t Funny 51.5
It’s Elizabeth’s Birthday – Is That Worth A Brownie? 49.5
Alternative Facts 48.5
Rosie’s Wearing Her Brthday Suit 47
Better Late Than Pregnant 47
Spicy Clucker 46
DACA, Dream Deferred 42

Cruller Fate

September 5, 2017

I was driving through Chapel Hill yesterday and I saw an older gentleman jogging. He appeared to be in his sixties and he was making his way slowly but steadily, huffing and puffing along a sidewalk. When I first saw him, I thought, “Good on you, mate! Way to keep it active in your senior years.” Then as I got nearer to the sexagenarian jogger I noticed the striking expression on his face – nothing but agony and misery. My kudos quickly turned to something along the lines of “poor bastard.” But I drove on and not ten seconds later passed a Dunkin Donuts where I spied a similarly aged man sitting outside the establishment eating a pastry. The look on his face? Pure joy. Unadulterated bliss.

So what did I learn from this unexpected but ever so appropriate juxtaposition? One man’s pain is another’s pleasure? Make the most of your retiring years? Enjoy every second? Good health is worth the effort? Nope, nothing so insightful. The lesson is simply this: Donuts is tasty and exercise sucks. But I think I knew that going into the experience, didn’t you?


“I’ll have a dozen assorted to go, please.”


September 2, 2017

Five Words That Could Be Misheard As Dirty







Five Lame Disparaging Terms for Australians

Koala Kissers

Down Underachievers

Ayers Rockheads

Sydney Opera Louses

Shrimp Tossers


Five Reasons To Speed

Driving wife to hospital to have a baby

Chasing down suspect

Bus will explode if goes below 55mph

Competing in a NASCAR race

Being chased by T Rex (Jurassic Park only)


Five Embarrassing Crushes

Tina Yothers

Michele Bachmann

That Computer Generated Japanese Popstar

Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop

Mrs Butterworth


Five Pixar Sequels That Will Never Happen

Up Yours!

Cars 3: Mater Stripped for Parts

Wall-E Gets Freaky With An iPhone

Ratatouille: Kitchen Closed Due To Vermin

Filleting Nemo

August 30 Trivia Rankings

August 30, 2017

A fantastic night for trivia, my Quizlings! Thanks to everyone who came out to play!

Don’t forget: We are celebrating our eighth anniversary all next month with a raffle for a night’s stay for two at a local hotel (plus maybe some other neat stuff). Get a raffle ticket for playing every week in September. Also get an extra raffle ticket for posting one of our fliers (take a pic and show me on Wednesday). ALSO (this just in!) get an extra raffle ticket for bringing a newbie! Haven’t done that in a while so let’s get some new blood in the ranks, shall we? (One extra ticket per person per scheme.)

Plus – we love the doggies so we’re celebrating the Dogs Days Of Trivia all next month as well. Bring the canines (always welcome on the patio, weather permitting) and we’ll have treats and maybe some pooch-centric giveaways. Spread the word.

As for this week, I want to say that I think we had the overall the highest scores for a bonus round without any team getting a perfect score (damn you, Brad Pitt!). Miss the festivities? Well, we went on strike with the Gdansk dockworkers, admitted the final state into the union and hiked the Appalachian Trail (App-uh-LATCH-un or App-uh-LAY-shun?). Plus there was this soda flashback…

So without further ado, here are the rankings for the week:

Look What Taylor Swift Made Me Do 68
Dragons vs. Hurricane 67
This Is The Bigliest Storm – My Waves Are Yuge 66
Joel Osteen’s Church Only Provides Shelter For Taxes 66
Trending: Flood Stilettos 65
Hashtag, Pound Sign 64
Brexit Unvasion 63
Just Married 61
The Real Housewives of Durham County 61
Houston, We Have A Problem 61
Collateral Damage 58
Trivia’s Great, Glen – Thanks For Osteen Us 57
I Don’t What Apocalypse Means But It’s Not The End Of The World 56
Nuclear Winter Is Coming 56
Hurricane Manolo Blahniks 56
Tom’s Leaving Us 54
Putin On The Ritz 50
Penguin 47
Can’t Think Of A Name 45

Party All The Time

August 28, 2017

Hypothetical question here but say you’re invited to a middle school classmate’s birthday party. You don’t particularly care for the guy but you feel compelled to attend because he’s a friend of a friend. When is it polite to leave said gathering? After you drop off the gift? After cake and ice cream? is served After the pinata and pin the tail on the donkey? After his mom, Mrs. Misenheimer, having a few Sea Breezes inside of her, takes you upstairs and makes you a man?

I’m curious because now that I look back on the whole bizarre incident I’m beginning to feel a little guilty for skipping out early and I’m thinking I should’ve at least stayed for the opening of the gifts.