Better Off Dad

June 20, 2021

Today is Father’s Day. I say that in case you are a father. Or know someone who is a father. Or maybe just want to honor someone who fathered someone sometime. Or will. It’s up to you.

Me? No, I don’t have a father. I did, of course, it’s not like – wow, Immaculate Conception, call the Vatican or anything. It’s just; my dad’s no longer with us. Oh, no!! He’s not dead! He’s just gone. Away. Far, far away. Back to his home planet. See, he came to Earth to save mankind from its own stupidity by giving us the cure for all our diseases and by sharing unlimited free energy sources and providing plans for an automobile that runs on garbage, but of course the government sent special CIA assassin squads to kill him and he had to flee and go back to his home world – but not before impregnating my mother. And one day he’ll be back to take me away from all this. Which is neat because he’s like the president or king or something on his planet. He’s definitely mega-cool and everyone loves him and would automatically love me, his son.

Sure, I know it’s kind of hard to believe and I don’t have any proof or anything but it’s the truth, I swear it! And I will stick by that story as I cry myself to sleep each Father’s Day and try my darnedest not to remember the time I asked my slapper of a mom who my daddy was and she just rolled over, burped George Dickel, pointed to her high school yearbook and said, “Take your pick.”


June 18, 2021

Not that I wish to give any help to the type of scum-sucking, mud-lurking lowlife that sends spam and I know how the whole phishing type scattershot approach to scam email works but let me point out that if you send me an email, ostensibly from some hottie who wants to make my acquaintance or renew some sexually suggestive contact, and you claim in the subject line that you really loved my Facebook post then you better do your homework and make double damn sure that I’M ACTUALLY ON FACEBOOK!

Trivia Rankings: 16 June 2021

June 16, 2021

Summer may not officially start until the weekend but that was a lovely summer night we had out on the patio for Wednesday Night Trivia this week! The weather should be that good every week. Seriously: The weather SHOULD be that good every week.

Thanks to all the Quizlings who came out to play. Spread the word that Live Trivia is BACK at Tomato Jake’s!

This week was all about vindication for Sparky (welcome aboard, Nat Geo) but we did play some shedding games, spend some time in space and pay for it all in cryptocurrency. Plus there was this candy commercial that proved we were a divided country even way back then…

Now check out the team rankings for the week. Close game, Quizlings! See you in seven.

Putin On The Ritz   56
Vaccinated And Magnetic  54
Who Are You People?    54
It’s Mary’s Birthday Next Week (Bring Presents!) 51
Kinky Rings Tortellini  47
Praise Bee  47
IDK… Something COVID Related?  44
MacKenzie Scott Bezos You’re Not – And I Think I Love You42
The Leprechauns   38
Brads-A-Burnin’   37
Pudding   37
Drinking Llamas   37
Going The Social Distance   36
Homeward Bound33
Pointless Pair30

Next, Please

June 15, 2021

Why are we still talking about it? Who the hell cares? I was bored with them before they started sucking up all that unnecessary media time. Basically, here’s ten people, places and things I’m completely sick of…



Working From Home

Hot [insert buzzword] Summer

Royal Babies

Unnecessary Movie Sequels

Logan Paul

High School Graduation Controversies

JEOPARDY! Guest Hosts

Hackers! Yes, hackers! How I hate them and their petty, childish behavior! They’re no better than grafitti artists or thieves or flash ghrtyinpnnnnnnnnnnnnthequickbrownfoxjumpsoverthelazydog\\connecting\\sat
net3\\ftpinstalled\\:: NO! IM STUPID! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I SAY AND I SHOULD BE HIT IN HEAD WITH ROCK! HACKERS FIGHT FOR FREEDOM AND DEFEND LIBERTY! ME SO DUMB AND WISH I WERE AS SMART AS HACKERS ———- Disinstall\\serverunconnected *****resume***** ers or any other petty criminals and they should be ashamed!

Yes, please, I’ve had up to here with the whole lot of you. Please deposit your 15 minutes at the same door you should not let you hit you on the ass as you leave through it.

Last Day To Vote!!!!

June 13, 2021

Tomato Jake’s Pizzeria is a finalist for the 2021 Best of the Triangle! Please take a few minutes and go to where you can vote for us as Best Trivia Night in the Triangle (last selection in the Out & About category). Please vote and please tell your friends. Thanks ever so much, Quizlings. We appreciate your support.


June 12, 2021

Five Signs You’re Addicted To Pokémon

When ordering at the drive thru, you say things like “Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I choose you!”

Your Squirtle-shaped swimming pool

Your résumé lists Team Rocket as a reference

The Pikachu tattoo on your ass

Number of Pokémon tournaments you’ve entered – 65 / Number of dates you’ve had – 0

Five Reasons To Have Kids

Someone to look after you in your dotage

Irreponsible about birth control

Cheap labor

Need an excuse to drive a mini-van

To sit next to non-breeders in restaurants and annoy the hell out of them

Five Nicknames for Your Hand

High-Five Fanatic

The Glove Stuffer


Clap Happy

The Back-up Girlfriend

Five Hanna-Barbera Characters I Think Are Jerkwads

Precious Pupp

Yankee Doodle Pigeon

The Great Gazoo

Ranger Smith


Five Deadly Snack Crackers

Goldfission Bomb


The Nekotomicon


Ginger Snaps-Your-Neck-Without-A-Second-Thought

Trivia Rankings: 9 June 2021

June 9, 2021

Another week, another Wednesday, another fantastic trivia night. Thanks for playing and please spread the word that LIVE trivia is back at Tomato Jake’s!

Speaking of which, please cast your vote for Tomato Jake’s as Best Trivia Night in the Triangle at Certainly, we’d love to win this thing. We think we do a pretty good job. If you feel the same, show us your support. Remember: Anyone can cast a vote as long as they have a unique email address! Ballots close Sunday!

This week, we chatted about cartoon spin-offs, mega-rich athletes and clouds that aren’t clouds because they’re in space and it’s all kind of – oh, just what the heck is a planetesimal anyway? And then there was this cowboy outrage …

Now check out the team rankings for the week. See you next time!

Al Cicada     57
Canes Fan Too Sad To Come Up With A Team Name Or Whatever55
Too Rich To Pay Taxes 51
Aladdin Sane  50
Brads-A-Burnin’    49
Hump Day 6-9       46
The Neighbors   44
Diamond Dogs    41
Helen Keller School Of Interior Design39
Mebanites    21

Going Viral

June 7, 2021

I drove by a Walgreen’s earlier and saw this on their big sign out front:

COVID Available Here!

Boast or warning? I wasn’t sure. And yes, I highly suspect that they meant the COVID vaccine was available within, meaning the lamebrain who programs the digital display left out a vital noun in the advertisement … but I can’t help but marvel at the concept of some crazed COVID-19 Mary behind the photo counter, ever ready and willing to cough on anyone who wishes to share her virus.

Not saying she doesn’t exist and doesn’t work there. I’m just surprised they want to alert everyone to the diseased crone like it’s a good thing.

Give Peas A Chance

June 4, 2021

At dinner, my son Jake, who unlike most kids his age absolutely loves his veggies, finished all his green peas. Meanwhile, his sister, Maxine, who doesn’t throw off the finicky kid curve, hadn’t touched hers at all. So Jake tried to sneak a few peas off his sister’s plate but Maxine would have none of it, despite the fact he was only after the stuff she didn’t want. His mom and I chastised him for bothering his sister and told him to stay on his own plate. Jake then shouted, “But I want her peas!” To which my wife fired back, “Well, date a sorority when you get to college.”

Stereotypes and unnecessary judgement aside, she’s got a wicked sense of humor and that’s why I love her.

Trivia Rankings: 2 June 2021

June 2, 2021

What a great night of trivia! Glad you could join us. Again, familiar faces return and new faces join us – I’d get emotional if I knew how. Not saying we’re back to normal (I’m nowhere near that naive) but, damn, if it didn’t feel like a pre-pandemic trivia night. Thank you, Quizlings! Keep coming back!

Ballots are still open for about ten more days so please vote for Tomato Jake’s for Best Trivia Night in the Triangle! is where the action is. Spread the word and thank you for your support.

This week, we formed a fellowship with some Tolkien characters, literally made a best friend and confused a romantic lead for a comic strip cat. There was also this blast from board games past …

Now here are the scores for you to enjoy. See you next Wednesday, Quizlings!

School’s Out, Summer Session’s In 54
Coach K Was The Krzyz54
We Would Push A Bear To Save Sparky52
Adverse Events51
Dogs Need Haircuts Too49
Coach K Is the GOAT49
Drinking Llamas48
Where’s The Beef?46
Masking For A Friend46
Fiend’s Reunion44
Ace Of Spades, Your Order Is Ready42
Hurrican’t Season41
Gays +234
Sleeping In The Doghouse24
You Break It You Bought It21
Prison Mike 21