CSI: Crime Seuss Investigation

December 15, 2017

It is with sad regret that I must report on the passing of a beloved holiday icon.

Dr. Seuss’ Grinch, one-time Christmas stealer, was found dead in his mountain home near Whoville early last Saturday. The coroner’s report attributed his death to an enlarged heart.

Whoville M.E., Quincy Q. Who, noted that some physiological change had apparently occurred within the last twenty-four hours causing the Grinch’s heart to grow as much as three times its normal size. “Normally, a Grinch’s heart is a very small muscle; one could say an empty hole.” He went on to explain, “Their cardiovascular systems are not very well developed at all.”

The catalyst that supposedly caused this heart malfunction remains unknown, although sources report that, sometime before his death, the Grinch consumed a large quantity of Whovian Roast Beast, causing his cholesterol levels to rise to an enormous rate.

The Grinch is survived by an unnamed dog and Cindy Lou, his common law wife.

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December 13 Trivia Rankings

December 14, 2017

A lovely crowd for a chilly December eve – but in all honesty it would be a lovely crowd for any month or weather condition. Thanks for coming out to play!

Remember: trivia every Wednesday into the New Year. And in that aforementioned New Year there is a Gift Basket Raffle on January 3rd. Get a raffle ticket every week just for playing. You can also get an extra raffle ticket for bringing a newbie (one per week). And you can get your share of FIFTY tickets by posting a flier – post a Tomato Jake’s Trivia Night flier (an official one, please) on any bulletin board where people can see it, take a picture of the posted flier and show me. Post as many as you like – each flier is one share of that 50 raffle ticket pot. Also – for next week only – wear a tacky holiday sweater or tie and get an extra raffle ticket … but you must wear it the entire time you’re at trivia!

This week? It was all about Time covers and Netflix tweets and Elton John’s almost EGOT. And then there was this flashback to the decade of Reagan:

Now here are this week’s trivia rankings. See you next week, Quizlings!

Screw You, Moore, And The Horse You Tried To Ride In On 72
Just Like California, We’re On Fire 64
Moore Time For Horseback Riding 64
Roy No Moore  64 (more than 8)
Is Prince William The Last Jedi? 64
This Is My Step Ladder (I Never Knew My Real Ladder) 63
Freedom Avengers 63
No Moore Alabama Jokes 63
Poor Ole Sassy 62
Write-In 60
Santa’s Giant Sack 60
The Caboose (Will Be Last) 58
I Was From Alabama Before It Was Cool 57
Tomato Jake’s: The New HQ 56
‘Bama, Magenta Tide 56
Oh, Hi, Mark 54

But What’s Up With That Seal?

December 11, 2017

I could go into deep detail about my longtime love/hate relationship with the 1960s Batman television series … how the show’s camp nature seemed to forevermore stain the public psyche where the Dark Knight was concerned yet how much damn fun the whole mishigas was so it almost offsets my ire …

I could go into detail about it all but I think this clip speaks for itself…

A Piece of the Action

December 9, 2017

At the office, whenever there’s a birthday card to be signed for a co-worker, I always write the same thing: I know it’s you who’s been stealing stuff from the supply cabinet but I won’t tell anyone if you give me the biggest slice of cake. Surprisingly, I’m right most of the time. And I really get some amazing slices of cake out of it.

cake

December 6 Trivia Rankings

December 7, 2017

A subdued crowd, perhaps, but a fun night for all was had – and how lovely to see some returning and new faces. Spread the word – trivia every Wednesday throughout the holidays. Don’t miss a week!

What happened this week? Some awesome suggestions for the potential gift basket* for starters. There was also talk of Grammy nominations, the Woman of the Year and Dr. Seuss opening lines. Of and there was this piece of celluloid magic…

Now check out this week’s team rankings:

Spoiler Alert: It Ain’t Sticking 70
How ‘Bout Them Dawgs 70
Trump Moves Embassy Suites To Jerusalem 68
Scoring Better Than The Entire Russian Winter Olympic Team 64
Jerusalem #NotMyCapital 64
Moore Teens The Better 64
This Team Name Is G Rated 62
Not Russian To The Olympics 61
Earth Is The World’s Largest Globe 59
Ajit Has Bandwidth If User Has Coin 57
The Russian Dopes 57
I Want To Jingle Your Bells 50

*suggestions for the gift basket included Curious Perfume, Lego Set of Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Sno-Caps, The Room DVD, Framed Picture of Danny Devito as the Penguin, Cocaine, Blow-Up Doll, Bob Ross Chia Pet, Giant Red Gummi Bear, My Little Pony Socks, One of the those Electronic Twirling Forks You Use to Eat Spaghetti, Gift Cards, Cupcakes, Hot Chocolate Mix, Cash, 60″ Samsung HDTV Smart TV, Ring Pops, Pony, AOL Disc, Massage Envy Gift Card, Brownies, Sour Patch Kids, $6000, Cookies, Booze-Infused Marshmallows, Kangaroo Jack DVD (Director’s Cut), One Mint, Dildos, Candy, iPod, Glen’s Home Phone Number, Spencer’s Gift Card, Hair Ties & Bobby Pins, Pop Tarts (Brown Sugar Cinnamon), Dog-Themed Movies (Except Marley & Me), Football, Ping Pong Balls, Solo Cups, Gel for Tim’s Hair and Straight Cash. Great suggestions. Well, good suggestions. Okay, suggestions. And I can guarantee that if we do a gift basket for the end of the year then at least ONE of those suggestions will be in the basket. (Um, Glen – what’s your home phone number?)

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 4, 2017

Five Failed General Mills Monster Cereals

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Honey

Invisible Man Berries

Zombie Toast Crunch

Godzillalicious

Creature from the Bran Lagoon

 

Five Zebra Fears

LionsHyenas

Stripes make them look fat

Global warming

There’ll be a Racing Stripes II

 

Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words

Batch

Peninsula

Tattle

Vagus nerve

Madden Football

 

Five Regrettable Purchases

The Boogie Bass

Stale Girl Scout Cookies

Bell bottoms

Rental insurance

Ticket for The Emoji Movie

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Just stop tryin’, Ryan.

Hit yourself repeatedly with a rake, Blake.

Hide in a closet and be really quiet, Wyatt.

Take off on a stolen Schwinn, Flynn.

Cook her up in a pot and eat her, Peter.

 

You Can Stop It Any Time Now

December 1, 2017

Yelling at me when I walk into a Moe’s Southwest Grill, I mean.

Oh sure, I know it’s supposed to be a charming greeting that sets your restaurant franchise apart from the other chains – and maybe there was a slight novel attraction at first – but we all know now that the staff hates it, the customers hate it and it’s little more than a jarring holdover of a more unaffected, spontaneous time. It’s not as though everyone participates: you get one, maybe two, employees who let out a half-hearted “welcome to moe’s” in hopes that enough voices will join in to drown out the obvious contempt and distaste in their own. But it never happens. It’s the fast food equivalent of when you were a kid and your mom would make you thank other adults for giving you something or having you in their home. Mom: “What do you say to Mrs. Tietelbaum?” You (muttering under your breath as you shuffle your feet in awkward defiance): “Thank you, Mrs. Tietelbaum.” You didn’t mean it and everyone knew it – just a perfunctory mandate from the powers-that-be to feign a meager ounce of sincerity.

Well, Moe’s, you can stop it any time now. You’re welcome.

November 29 Trivia Rankings

November 30, 2017

NEWBvember concluded with a bang! Or rather with prizes. Much like a bang though, innit?

Thanks to all who came out to play and to the lucky person who went home with the Pop prize (worth big buck on eBay I hear). What did you miss if you weren’t there? Some awesome Warrior Princess action, a missing sub (the aquatic variety not the Jersey Mike’s kind) and the origins of the coolest viscoelastic agent I know.

Plus there was this tuneful ditty…

Now here are the rankings for the week. See you next time!

Santa Made Me Sit On His Lap #MeToo 68
Lauering The Bar 66
Auditioning For the TODAY Show 66
Donald Trump’s Favorite Disney Movie Is Pochantas 66
Poker-Haunts Us 61
Neil Armstrong Backwards Is “Gnorts Mr Alien!” 57
Sliding Into Sparky’s DMs 57
Pulp Fiction 56
Brownie For Julie’s Baby 55
Where’s My Trivia Wednesday Sale? 51
What Do You Do If You Find A Purple Gorilla At Your Desk? Sit Somehwere Else 47
We Tired … Oops, I Mean We Tried 45
Torts Illustrated 39
Having A Yam Good Time 37

Holiday Spice

November 28, 2017

Okay, let’s be honest – it’s not as cool as Bruce Campbell singing at the piano and it’s definitely no where near as awesome as “I’m on a horse.” But, damn, if this Old Spice Exploding Yule Log isn’t just the apotheosis of holiday cheer.

Rattle & Roll

November 25, 2017

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When I was a kid and I was asked where I wanted to eat, I would always reply the same thing: Shakey’s Pizza. Problem was: there was no Shakey’s nearby – or even in my city. I’d apparently seen a commercial during Thundercats or Dangermouse or something and I thought it was the end-all be-all of pizzeria experiences. All that piano playing and delicious pizza pie … aw, man; that’s my idea of heaven!

So one day, my dad – always one to think outside the box and save a few bucks – brought home some Totino’s Pizza Rolls and banged out chopsticks on my sister’s Fisher-Price Step and Play Piano and said that I should stop my whining and never mention those bastards at Shakey’s ever again.

Yeah, we weren’t close much after that, the old man and I.