March 16, 2018


Five Forgotten ABC Afterschool Specials

My Mother Is My Substitute Teacher

I Was a Flintstone Vitamin Addict

Ringworm: My Silent Shame

Confessions of a Teenage Dairy Queen

Our Love Is Forbidden: The Donny & Marie Story


Five Lesser Known St. Patrick’s Day Traditions

Green beards

Walking with a potato between your knees

Screaming like a banshee when anyone plays Sinead O’Connor

Tickling strangers on the bus

“Slapping the Black Pudding”


Five Reasons to Sleep Late

An awesome dream about that supermodel you like

You desperately want to avoid a meeting a work

Your new Sleep Number® bed

The paralysis

If you get up, you’ll wake the Gorgon


Five Signs Your Waiter Is In Love With You

He takes your order and giggles like a schoolgirl

He fistfights another server to get your table

Blissful sighs emanating from the soda refill station

He hand feeds you your dessert

Side dishes shaped into hearts


Five Rejected McDonaldland Characters


Hot Apple Pierre

Shamrock Shakey

The McDLTease

The Hammolester



March 14 Trivia Rankings

March 15, 2018

A wonderful week, my Quizling! There was a Dinohat, a Los Pollos Hermanos Apron and other wonderful stuff. You had a shot if you show up. If you stayed home, you got nothing!

PLEASE nominate us for Best Trivia Night in Durham County at Best in the Triangle at

This week? We talked of colorful detectives, before dinner cocktails and planetary discoveries. Plus there was this saucy commercial…

Now here are the rankings for the week. How’d your team do?

Beware The Tide Pods Of March 68
The Space Force Awakens 65
Collateral Damage 64
Rexit 64
Hard To The Corps 63
Baby Elliott On Board 60
3.14 of Hearts, Your Pie Is Ready 58
πzza 56
The Crew Crushes Genoa Salami 55
My Baking Skills Are A 3.14 53
United – Where Pets Fly Free 49
Who Farted? 49
Flannel Force 49
Roll Tide Pods 46
Tillerson Lasted 41 Scarmuccis 38
This Weather Is March Madness 38
A Lucky Pickle Is Kind of A Big Dill 33


March 10, 2018


Five TV Shows That Helped Me Get Through Puberty

WKRP in Cincinnati

Solid Gold

General Hospital

The Facts of Life



Five Rarely-Used Twitter Hashtags







Five Rejected Monopoly Tokens

A dozen Grade A eggs


Half-eaten box of Fiddle Faddle

An inflamed duodenum

Bucket of chum


Five Forgotten Tourist Attractions

Jimmy Carter’s birthmark

Largest Merkin West of the Mississippi

Old Indiana Pacers burial ground

Dolly Parton’s first training bra

Iowa corn maze in the shape of Mamie Eisenhower


Five Dr. Seuss Pickup Lines

Horton hears a hottie!

Wanna hop on pop?

I’d like to get this fox outta her socks.

Oh, the places you’ll go.

There’s a wocket in my pocket!


March 7 Trivia Rankings

March 8, 2018

What a great night! Over 100 Quizlings in attendance which means the first prize was doubled courtesy of your friendly neighborhood quizmaster. Huzzah! Let’s keep that up, shall we? The awesome attendance, that is – not the, uh, doubling of the first prize (I have a mortgage to pay, after all).

Meanwhile, please NOMINATE Tomato Jake’s for Best Trivia Night in Durham County at under Out & About (wonderful things will come if we win, QM’s promise!).

This week, we celebrated National Cereal Day, listened to some wild music and engaged in some Seussian tongue twisters with a fox.

Plus there was this Oscar moment…

And now let’s see how the teams stacked up this week.

“Gag Order” Starring Stormy Daniels 63
Free Cookies? 60
Chuck Eats Cheese 60
We All Met On Tinder 59
Chaos 56
Beasts From The East 56
Let The Madness Begin 55
Win For Woody 55
Best Topping: The Shape OF Pepperoni 54
Call Me By Your Trivia Name 53
Grue Crushes Trivia 53
It’s My Birthday And I’ll Trivia If I Want To 48
We’re Against Arming Quizmasters 48
Would It Be Wrong For Me To Drink the Whole Pitcher  Of Beer If My Teammates Don’t Show Up? 47
Matt Damon and the Damons 46
David Dennison All-Stars 43
Stormy Trumps Don 41
King Archer 41
Tomato Jake’s Should Be The Official Pizza of the NFL 40

Weird Al Hamilton

March 3, 2018

If you haven’t heard it … here ’tis.

February 28 Trivia Rankings

March 1, 2018

Another month down and another awesome week of trivia! Thanks so much, Quizlings. Keep coming back for more every week. It’s our 9th year and I’m doubling the first prize the first week attendance reaches 100. We’ve come close but hasn’t happened thus far into 2018. Maybe next week? Bring your friends and let’s make it happen!

This week, we chatted about presidential slogans, disco-era song titles and pizza chain middle initials. Plus there was this animated snack food memory…

Now here are the rankings for the week. See you next time!

Something Something Trump Something Something Give Us A Brownie 69
Miller Time For 100K 66
Will Lie For Pizza 63
21 Gun Salute to Dick’s 63
The Stuttering Prisoner Died Before Finishing His Sentence 62
Where’s Jon? 61
1 Hope Hicks = 40 Scaramuccis 58
One Less Hick In The White House 57
How Was The Pull Out … Couch? 55
Go Directly To Jail. Do Not Collect $200 54
3 Girls In Sweats 53
Periodic Table Dancers 52
No One Tell Kushner The New Netflix Password 52
The White House Loses Hope 51
Olympic Curling B Team 29

Oh and check out GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD – essentially it’s the existential adventures of Jon Arbuckle as he speaks his thoughts about his sad, meaningless existence into the void.

Dante Had It Right

February 27, 2018

I had to stop by the DMV earlier and – just what the hell is it about that place? It sucks the life and hope right out of a body. I mean, I opened the door and saw the dregs of humanity … a sea of soulless eyes staring back at me. I couldn’t tell if they were silently pleading for help or warning me to run while I had the chance. (I did the latter.) And I’m by no means a snob but is there a DMV where the educated and cultured go? Because all the folks I’ve ever seen in line at my local DMV seem like the type of mouth-breathing yokels who’d be more at home in back alley crap games or juvie hall reunions than taking in the latest Indie flick at an art house cinema. Perhaps it’s just everyone, no matter what the breeding or the bearing, take on that look when entering that purgatory of public service. Like a virus or a plague, the DMV’s negativity is infectious and lethal. Hell on Earth. In fact, Dante’s “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate” may have been more apt over the doors to this sucking portal of Weltschmerz than the gate to hell. I’ve still got to go back and renew my driver’s license and I know that I’ve bloody well abandoned all hope.

Screw it! I’m chucking my car and Ubering everywhere from now on.

Night Heirs

February 23, 2018

I was woken up at about 3:30 this morning by muffled cries coming from my son Jake’s room. I grabbed the cricket bat I keep by the nightstand and rushed in, expecting to find him half out the window in the midst of an alien abduction or something. Instead, he was just sitting there, rocking back and forth on his bed, tears streaming down his face. He picked up his pillow and screamed into it and I sat down and asked him what the problem was. He just looked at me through red eyes and said – in pretty much the same voice that kid in the Sixth Sense used to tell Bruce Willis he saw dead people – Who would win in a fight – a bear with an assault rifle or shark with a hand grenade? I got up, went downstairs, poured him a glass of water, came back up and gave it to him. It’s moments like this that I’d like to comfort myself with the knowledge that he’s adopted or that Moira was unfaithful but I can’t avoid the stone cold fact that he’s mine and my genetic code runs through his DNA like a bacteria-resistant infection. “The bear,” I told him. “I worked it out in storyboard last week. I’ll show you tomorrow. Now, go to sleep. You’ve got ice skating drills in a few hours.” Armed with the solution to his dilemma, he settled in and was fast asleep as soon as he fell back onto the Teen Titans Go! bedsheets. Yep, he’s my boy all right. I can always recognize my particular brand of wacko.

February 21 Trivia Rankings

February 22, 2018

Thanks, Quizlings, for making it a great evening of Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia! The weather was cooperative, we learned about the Winter Olympics and we had the first dog of the year in attendance (yay, Woodley!).

Along the way, we sussed out some cephalopod species, found Friends follow-ups and gobbled gross gaming agates. And there was this celluloid masterpiece of yesteryear…

Now let’s check out the rankings for the week and see how your team stacked up against the competition.

Off The Podium 67
Salchow Nip Slip 66
We Started This Cher S#!+ 65
The Crew Crushes Trivia 61
Sparky Still Won’t Follow Me On Twitter 59
Clothes Aren’t The Only Thing Being Stripped In Louisville 58
Army Of Two 57
We’re Hoping To Do Better Than Fergie 56
Two Kids In An Overcoat Posing As An Adult 55
Francis Scott Off-Key 54
The North Korean Olympic Cheerleaders 53
Destroying Trivia Like Fergie Did The Anthem 51
Pyeong F. Chang’s 51
I Can’t Explain Witchcraft 51
Trivia Athletes From Russia 51
Mr. Musk: Mars Magnate 48
No Collusion 47
Periodic Table Dancers 47
My Drinking Team Has A Trivia Problem 43

Chemical Reaction

February 19, 2018

How do you get rid of old batteries? I used to flush them but I didn’t think that was good for my septic system. Sometimes I like to drop them in those kettles that those bell ringing dudes have out in front of the Walmart, primarily because it’s convenient and they always thank you with a smile, but that’s only a few weeks out of the year so it’s scarcely a solution. Do third world countries need them? They seem to need a lot, you’d think old batteries would be on the list.

Meanwhile I got a couple of boxes full of these things that are just sittin’ around collecting dust and leaking chemicals. That can’t be healthy. Should my hair be falling out in patches like this and should my eyesight be this blurry? If I didn’t have such debilitating muscle degeneration, I’d haul these boxes down to the curb and let the garbagemen deal with ‘em!