Absorbent And Yellow And Tumescent Is He!

March 28, 2017

Basically, I’m shocked! Shocked, I tell you! (Not really; little shocks me anymore.) But I am amazed that the SpongeBob SquarePants hook seen below got past the planning stages, out of product testing and into stores without someone – anyone – saying, “Hey, is it just me but does that strategically placed hook look kinda like his… ?” I mean, look at that! It couldn’t be more obvious if it said “Sponsored by Viagra” on the packaging.  

Actually, I guess I can believe that it got past the suits and the focus groups and the initial marketing. But I gotta believe that, at the very least, the guy who chose the picture did so knowingly.

So there you have it. An actual SpongeBob SquarePants mountable wall hook I found for sale in a legitimate store. Go buy one today and scar your kids for life!

Costume Drama

March 24, 2017

In college, I had a job working for this business that would supply costumed characters for kids’ birthday parties. To avoid copyright infringement, the company would rent out characters like “Friendly Dinosaur” instead of Barney or “Burger Clown” instead of Ronald McDonald.

In my spare time, just for fun, I liked to dress up as our Mickey Mouse clone (“Fun Park Rat”) and hang around exit ramps holding a sign that said: “Will Carry Plague For Food.”

Spent a night in jail once for that gag. Heh. So totally worth it.

March 22 Trivia Rankings

March 22, 2017

It was windy and chilly outside but the trivia inside Tomato Jake’s was inviting. And – whew! – another close game, Quizlings! One in which we learned that Sparky’s no fun and knows how to disappoint a woman (though that latter point could have easily been guessed). Also there was talk of belly speaking, British toads and token changes.

Oh and check this out:

Now here are the rankings for the week…

Everyone Explodes A Little Early 70
Tomato Jake’s – Because Tomato Glen’s Sounds Stupid 69
Duke Plays Who This Week? 68
We’ll Fight The Duck Sized Horses 65
I’d Wiretap That 62
Cat Skillz 59
Does This Smell Like Chloroform To You? 58
Chuck Buried 😦 58
Save Elmo 57
Casey Is Always Late 53
Tomato Jake’s Doesn’t Allow Fun Names 53
E Pluribus Anus 52
Stephen Hawking’s Football Boots 47
Duke: Is It Still An Upset If Everyone’s Happy About It? 46

Pluck O’ The Irish

March 17, 2017

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Are you wearing green? Drinking excessively? Does it really matter?

Since most Americans’ knowledge of Irish history and culture comes from a Lucky Charms commercial, I thought it might be an apt time to examine the real reasons behind the celebratory revels.

So here are 10 things you didn’t know about Saint Pat, Irish history and culture!

1. Saint Patrick was probably born in Roman Britain, about AD 385. He was originally called Maewyn, a name that, even in that historic era, no doubt got his butt kicked at recess more often than not.

2. Saint Patrick did not in actuality drive the snakes out of Ireland. He merely offered them a lift when their car broke down and only drove them down the road to the nearest pub.

3. The shamrock is the traditional icon of Saint Patrick’s Day, replacing the passed-out Leprechaun in popularity because it was too hard to face paint. Read the rest of this entry »

March 15 Trivia Rankings

March 15, 2017

What a great night, Quizlings! Thanks to all who braved the icy chill and took part in a pretty impressive round of trivia (if I do say so myself – and I do). We got to learn about Scrabble, St. Patrick’s Day legends and how the US of A is apparently nothing but a bunch of gambling addicts. PLUS – one lucky team got their prize doubled thanks to the 100+ attendance!

Oh and there was this, as well …

Now here are the team rankings for this week…

Give This Team A Prize (Not Lemonheads) 68
Smile For The Microwave 67
Why Is It So Cold? 66
Short Ride Home 65
The Helen Keller School Of Interior Design 64
Lorde Of the Dance 62
Micro Hands Microwaving 61
Every Movie Theatre Is A Drive-In If You Don’t Care About Your Car 60
We’re The 16th Seed Of Trivia 60
Trivia Night – Cell Phones Away, Microwaves Out 59
I Just Blue Myself 58
Make Greensboro Great Again 56
There’s Always Money In the Banana Stand 55
The Little President Who Cried Wolf 55
Green Eggs And Hammered 55
Daylight Trivia Time 50
Too Cold For This $#!+ 48
Knowledge, No – Perserverence, Yes 42
I’ll Have Whatever NC Weather Is Drinking 41
The Luck Of The Irish 40

Flickers

March 13, 2017

To the idiots who thought it was a good idea to bring a fussy 2-year-old to the 10pm showing of Logan last night – sleep peacefully knowing that although you were rude, distracting and thoughtless you were NOT the most annoying moviegoers in the auditorium merely because the drunken stoners who loudly stumbled in about 1/3 of the way through (and left just as ninja-like about 20 minutes before the end) edged you out of that dubious honor. Nevertheless, I salute you and your brazen lack moviehouse etiquette and hope some other cinema patron with less of a sense of humor than myself visits you in the night ready, willing and able to shove a large box of popcorn shoved up your backside.

Unfounded

March 10, 2017

When I was ten I played hide and seek with some kids in my neighborhood. There was this one little kid, Brucie, who kept getting found first because his hiding places weren’t very well thought out. He was maybe around 7 or 8 and he started to cry a little because he was so bad at the game. I tried to calm him down by telling him he had to be more creative in his hiding. Standing behind a small tree wasn’t enough. Inside things or under things was good. My stupid little pre-adolescent brain attempted to give this little crybaby a lesson in concealment like I was the head of MI5. Well, we started to play the game again and Brucie got this look on his face like he was going to crack this thing. As he trotted off down the street I heard him mutter, “I’ll show ’em all. They’ll never find me.”

And he was right. We never saw him again. Being kids, we stopped looking after about 10 minutes, figuring he’d gone home or something. But we saw cops at Brucie’s house that night and Missing posters popped up around the neighborhood the next day. His family moved away about a year later. They never found Brucie.

I’d like to imagine that some day, decades from now, somebody’ll be doing some yard work or renovating a garden shed and find an 80-year-old Brucie stashed away in a hole in the ground or behind some lawnmowers and rakes. Still hiding. Because, as he said, he’d show us all.

March 8 Trivia Rankings

March 9, 2017

A fun night, Quizlings. We talked of Instagram stars, Clue weapons and an unfortunate sports outing. Plus we answered some questions with a question, didn’t we?

And there was this tasty morsel …

oreo-peeps

Here are this week’s trivia rankings. How’d you do?

Wikileaks Gave Us Our Answers 66
A Day Without A Woman: Glen Knows Too Well 66
The Ceiling Is The Roof 65
A Castle Is Not A Chess Piece 65
Trump Tower Tapp Room 64
Obama Tapped That 61
A Day Without Women = Day Without Brownies 61
Trout Mask Replica 60
Why Doesn’t Oedipus Curse? He Kisses His Mama With That Mouth 57
Ten Of Diamonds 56
Check The Forecast … ‘Snow Joke 55
Wire Tapping For Dummies 55

No … No … Just, No

March 8, 2017

Mexican theater chain Cinépolis revealed plans to put a children’s playground in movie theaters.

cinepolis-playground-theaters

Now I can’t be absolutely sure but, if I remember my cinema correctly, making movie houses more kid-friendly was one of the seven signs in that Demi Moore film, wasn’t it?

Ill Will

March 5, 2017

You know what I think would be cool? No, wait – that’s a loaded question. Lots of thing would be cool to me. My credit union misplacing a couple of decimals and throwing my account balance into the low six figures. That would be neat. Aaron Sorkin given carte blanche to create a TV show that would run for as long as he wanted and without network interference. That would be sweet. Seeing Naomi Watts and Rachel Weisz standing on my doorstep because their car broke down and they’re hot and sweaty from walking and they need a place to shower. That would be really bloody awesome.

But no, this time what I think would be cool is for some seasonal viral outbreak to occur where people temporarily lose their mind due to contagion. It would be horrible although not fatal. But, while infectious, people would become disgusting mockeries of themselves. It would happen as the seasons changed and winter thawed into spring. Inhibitions would fly, taboos would be broken, intelligence lost and the afflicted would become walking ids, wreaking such a havoc upon their communities that the stigma of the illnesses would forevermore nudge anything else of similar appellation from the forefront of consciousness.

And what would the medical community would call such a disease? “March Madness.” Thus ensuring that the NCAA would have to come up with something else to call their little cager clambake, not unlike the makers of that dietetic candy Ayds had to do back in the 80s (look it up).

I think that would be cool. But, of course, that’s just me.