FIVE RANDOM FIVE

June 26, 2017

 

Five Radio-Themed Songs

The Nightfly – Donald Fagen

Pilot Of The Airwaves – Charlie Dore

WOLD – Harry Chapin

Mohammed’s Radio – Warren Zevon 

Radio RadioElvis Costello

 

Five Things I Hope Scientists Never Find Give You Cancer

Chocolate

Sex

Comic Books

British comedies

Feeling superior to idiots

 

Five Reasons to Dislike College

Campus dining

The fraternities

Tenured professors who should have retired years ago

High cost of textbooks

Your roommates

 

Five Pepperidge Farm Cookies That Could Be Stripper Names

Bordeaux

Geneva

Verona

Pirouette

Montieri

 

Five Historical Smells

Black Death Plague Pyres, 1349

Genghis Khan’s beard, 1223

Mustard gas, WWI

Cardamom, Spice Routes, 40BC

Tyrannosaurus Fart, Cretaceous Period

Impossible Dream

June 24, 2017

What’s with The Impossibles?

You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? Hanna-Barbera’s rock ‘n’ roll trio who transformed themselves into super-heroes when danger loomed. They were second-billed to Frankenstein Jr. in thirty-six animated Saturday morning adventures way back in 1966.

impossibles

There was the Spring Wonder, Coil Man. The Human Throng, Multi Man. And the Liquid Lawkeeper, Fluid Man. They would travel from town to town, performing their music, rocking the fans (of which they had many) well into the night. Or at least until they would receive a call on their guitar-phones from their super-secret boss who would alert them to some villainous menace nearby or some crime in progress. The Impossibles, as this was the name of their rock band as well, would then cut their concert short, change into their super-heroic identities and battle the bad guy.

And throughout all of this, we, the audience, were supposed to believe the Impossibles had secret identities and led super-secret lives! As if!

impossibles2

Think about that. Imagine you go to a Nickelback concert (just imagine – I don’t recommend it). You’re enjoying the tunes, thrillin’ to Photograph and the like when, all of a sudden, Nickelback stops in the middle of a song. They seem to be talking to their instruments. You think you hear them say something like “We’re on it, chief!” And they’re off – bang, like a shot. Nickelback ends their set in mid song. No explanations, no encores, no How You Remind Me. Maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll reschedule the event. It’s doubtful they’ll give you a full refund (and even if you get one, Ticketmaster gets to keep the ten dollar service charge). And, surprise of surprises, the next day in the morning papers, you read that the previous night – only a few minutes after Nickelback left the stage – the super-hero team known as Nickelback, a supergroup that has never before appeared in your town, fought and defeated a bank robber just a few miles away from the concert arena.

Can you tell me that you aren’t the least bit suspicious?! I mean, c’mon – even Lois Lane wasn’t this thick.

So, get with it, Hanna and Barbera. There is suspension of belief, granted, else all of our televisual fiction, be it animated or live action, falls to pieces, but I’m not buying this load of fish twaddle with monopoly money!

Forgive me if I demand some realism in my cartoons.

June 21 Trivia Rankings

June 21, 2017

A smaller than usual crowd this week (missing some regular Quizlings – come back soon ‘ciz we got ice cream) but the competition was fierce. A very close game, when all is said and done. And along the way we went Down Under, said “Goodnight, Moon” and met some billionaires. Then things got icy (sorry about that).

Oh and there was this invention map:

20170509-state-inventions

Now here are the rankings for the week. See you next time!

Fat, Dumb & Stupid Is No Way To Go Through Life Or Death 64
Lego My Han Solo Directors 63
McDonald’s All-American Fidget Spin Class 62
Half The People Equals Double The Ice Cream 61
Queen Brexit Hat 61
Uber: CEO Wanted: Apply Within 61
Free Ice Cream, Brownies & Pizza – Oh My! 60
Uber To CEO: We’ll Call You A Cab 59
We Came Back From Busch Gardens Early So We Could Go To Trivia 58
Hey, Alexa – Buy Me Whole Foods 58
James And The Giant Impeachment 58
Ivanka And Jerry Just Say No To Hugs 57
Team #2 45
Dennis Smith To Charlotte 40
We’re Muellering It Over 40
Laughing My Ossoff 40

Old Chum

June 20, 2017

On my ninth birthday, I was beaten with Wiffle bats by a small gang of kids who, suffice it to say, weren’t entirely happy with the choice of party favors. My dad had brought a bucket of chum and thought it would be a pretty funny idea if …

Ah, who am I kidding? I never had a ninth birthday party. I never even had a dad. All I had was that bucket of chum.

Damn, I sure miss my chum.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Father’s Day Edition)

June 17, 2017

Five People I Wished Were My Dad When I Was A Kid

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray on My Three Sons)

Evel Knievel

Captain Kangaroo

James Bond

Paul Lynde (yeah, I know – but at the time …)

 

Five Things My Father Never Taught Me

How to ride a bike

How to fish

How to manage my finances

The birds and the bees

How to find him when he went away

 

Five Dad Cliches

I don’t pay to heat the whole neighborhood.

Because I say so!

Go ask your mother.

I brought you into this world – I can take you out!

Let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?

 

Five of My Favorite Fathers

Father Time

Father Ted

Father Christmas

Father Guido Sarducci

Father Goose

 

Five Fictional Characters with Severe Daddy Issues

Oedipus

Hamlet

Luke Skywalker

The singer of Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

The Huxtable Kids (totally in retrospect, of course)

 

June 14 Trivia Rankings

June 14, 2017

A lovely night for trivia, my Quizlings. We avoided the rain and got some more ice cream courtesy Tomato Jake’s. We met some new folks (and one uber-cute canine), reminisced about 2006 in television and gave one lucky teen a gift for her dad he’ll never forget!

And there was this magnificent moment of celeb awkwardness…

Now here are the rankings for the week. See you next time!

Scratch Roma Oregano 66
Happy Birthday, Lon 63
The Batcave Is Empty 61
It Would Not Be Appropriate To Answer Trivia Questions In This Setting 60
Muelling Over Emoluments 58
Your Upcoming Auditors 58
Courts In Sessions 53
A Girlfriend, Her Boyfriend And The Side Chick 52
All Boats Are Submarines If You Try Hard Enough 49
Miss Chanandler Bong 49
Lavar’s Balls 47
Katie Won’t Come up With A Name 47
Comey Don’t Play That 46
We Left Our Team Name In Our Other Pants 45
Avengers 42
The Outpost 33
Broke Dad And The Hungry Teenagers 32
#1 Pick 27

The Rain Explained, Humanely Simians Trained

June 12, 2017

Did it rain in Oz? It must have. They had agriculture (thus, a need for scarecrows) and even though some of the flora talked it nonetheless needed the same things plants do here – sunlight, oxygen and water. Okay, so if it rains in Oz then the Wicked Witch of the West can’t go outside when it rains. Basic premise, given, and that’s probably why she has all those trained flying monkeys. “Fly, my monkeys, and go down to the corner shop and pick up some malt liquor, a Soap Opera Digest and a lotto scratch off!” So, buying into the fact that it rains, she can’t go out, she sends the monkeys, I’m just going out on a limb here when I say that castle must have really reeked during the rainy season what with the musty smell of wet monkey permeating the upholstery.

Here’s hoping the Wizard had the Febreeze market cornered.

American Piety

June 10, 2017

Face it, all you low rent prayer monkeys. If your church is in a strip mall or industrial park, then you’re just a hop skip and a jump away from sacrificing livestock or handling snakes.

Sorry. Someone had to say it.

June 7 Trivia Rankings

June 8, 2017

What an awesome night of trivia, Quizlings! Thanks to everyone who came out to play – and get ice cream. (“Come for the trivia! Stay for the dairy goodness!”) We talked about TV moms and Golden Buzzers and some long-lived veterans. Plus there was this incredible Google Map:

misspelled-words-jpg-1496229488

Now here are this week’s team rankings. How’d you do?

Chrises And The Wonder Women 68
We Need Brownies. We Expect Brownies. 67
If Only Wonder Woman Had Beaten Captain Underpants In November 67
Team Name On The Big Board 66
Free Mini-Fridge, First Come First Served 66
We Brought Our Good Luck Charm 62
The Baby Boomers Killed All Our Bees 61
Hey, I Just Met You And This Crazy But Here’s My Number So Comey Maybe 60
Wonder Women 60
Happy Anniversary, Kara And Darrin 59
Spiral City Heroes 57
On Average, Humans Have One Testicle 56
Combovers And Comey 56
ABC U N Hell 53
Sic Semper Anus 51
Our Bologna Has A First First Name It’s D-O-N-A-L-D 48
Honey Badgers Don’t Care 48
Teresa Maybe, Maybe Not 47
Dr. Know 47
Where’s Murph? 46
No No, That Means You’re #1 44
At Least We Tried 36
We Don’t Know Anything, We Just Like Beer 35

A New Lease On Lie

June 6, 2017

I needed to rent a car a while back and I called around and, hey, interesting thing here – Enterprise would not pick me up.  Their commercials say they do but from my experience … eh, not so much.  Not saying that Enterprise is a lying sack, I’m just suggesting that maybe that slogan – “We’ll pick you up” – might want some amending to something a little more along the lines of accurate like: “We’ll pick you up … sometimes.” or “We’ll pick you up if we’re in the neighborhood, bra.” or “We’ll pick you up if the mood hits us so stop griping about it and just get off our #$%ing backs!”  Just saying.