Jokes On You

July 27, 2017

I asked for jokes and you Quizlings came through. I’d love to share them all but some – while horribly funny – are not fit for a PG-13 blog. Regardless, here’s a darn good sampling.

What’s the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm

6:03 is the best time on the clock, hands down!

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic

A guy phones up an escort agency and asks for some “company.” A woman arrives and asks what the man wants to do. First, he has her hold on for a minute while he puts on his wellies and a rain jacket. Then he goes to the freezer and fetches a tray of ice. The escort is confused but she goes along with it. The man then gets into the shower, turns on the water and asks the escort to throw ice cubes at him. She does for a minute or two and then asks, “Aren’t you going to have sex with me?” To which the man responds: “What, in this weather?”

What kind of bees make milk?  Boo-bees

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him

Never date an apostrophe. It’s too possessive.

Why did the coffee file a police report? Because he got mugged.

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on the side of their ships? So that when they come into port they can Scan-da-navian.

What do you call a mother cow who just gave birth? Decalfinated

Two men are drinking on the second floor of a bar. One says, “Alright, I’m going home,” and he dives out of the window. The next day, the same two men are drinking and the other man asks, “How’d you survive that stunt yesterday?” The first man says, “There’s a big pile of hay right beneath the window.” The second man finishes his drink, dives out of the window and splatters on the concrete below. The first man laughs and the bartender says to him: “You’re a dick, Superman.”

July 26 Trivia Rankings

July 27, 2017

Oh what a night, Quizlings! There were jokes – oh so many jokes – and a Stranger Things tee and ice cream and mistakes (red – white – really, who can tell the difference?) and – and – this guy …

I’ll post some of the awesome jokes you gave me shortly. Right now, getcher rankings on with this little line-up:

What The New Beer Pitcher Lacks In Length It Makes Up For In Girth 67
Pity The Beleaguered Keebler 66
We’re Off Our Game 64
Lucky In The Sky With Diamonds 64
Please God Don’t Ever Offer TV Game Shows As A Bonus Category Again 63
Chris Forgot The Cheesey Bread – Shame! 63
I Don’t Think Morgan’s Coming 63
We Eat Pizza And Know Things 62
I’ve Got A Lucky Whitehead On My Face 61
Team Baby Boy 60
We Drink And Know Things (Hopefully) 57
Spicer Fell Off The Rack 57
I Can Smeall Your Wings From Here 56
Our Gift Cards Went to The Beach 55
John McCain Leaves Us In Stitches 54
Shia Surprise 53
Kiddie Pool Full Of Hose Water 53
Scaramucci Scaramucci Will You Do The Fandango 49
I Thought You’d Be Taller 46
LeBron Can’t Leave You If You leave Him First 43
I Recuse Myself From First Second And Third Place 42
Cam Sux 42
Kyrie Wouldn’t Want To Be On Our Team Either 42
Doctor Know 35
Arcking 35
I’m Too Hungry, Man 31

Give Them A Foot …

July 24, 2017

There’s a sign up at my apartment complex’s mailboxes that read as follows:

YARD SALE

INSIDE APT. #113

JULY 29, 8am to noon

Forgive my penchant for accuracy but if it’s going to be held inside your apartment then it’s NOT A YARD SALE!! A yard sale must, ipso facto, be OUTSIDE. I’ll even allow that you technically don’t have to have it in a yard, but it damn well better be outside! 

If you’re having a yard sale inside your home then you’re basically just one step away from having a break in.

TEN RANDOM THINGS THAT HAVE KEPT ME AWAKE AT NIGHT

July 21, 2017

Chris Gaines? What the hell was that all about, Garth?

Bidet comes from the French word for small horse.

Where’s my rock tumbler?!

When will they release The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer on DVD?

Mylar balloons!!!!

Chuck E. Cheese‘s mascot is a freakin’ rat?! Why hasn’t the health department closed them down already?

When I was 13, I saved up my allowance until I had enough to purchase a year’s subscription to Tiger Beat. I only got 11 issues. Damn them.

Who would win in a fight: Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?

“I will have two fillings!”

Who exactly left the cake out in the rain? Richard Harris said “someone” but I think the drunken sod knew who it was and was just covering for them.

July 19 Trivia Rankings

July 19, 2017

Another magnificent week of trivia, my Quizlings! I hope you were able to attend. If not, there’s always next week – a week in which a Strangers Things fan gets a cool prize and you can try to make me laugh my bringing your best joke!

This week, there was talk of Spider-Man, Emmy nominations and big honkin’ piece of ice. And there was this blast from the past:

Now, here are the team rankings for the week. See you next Wednesday!

Meeting With Putin At The Waffle House 66
We Have No Idea What Happened This Week 64
GOPeeing On My Heath Care 63
George Romero: Dead Or Undead? 63
MILFs Do A Body Good 60
Our Team Is On Vacation, We’re Gonna Lose 59
Buzzfeed Says We’re Winning 59
This Election Wasn’t Even “Made In America” 59
Yay For Weiner Day 59
Art Of The Attention Span? (Not So Much) 59
You Won’t Believe The Size Of My Zucchini 59
Here For The Right Reasons 57
Collateral Damage 54
A Magician Was Driving Down The Road Then He Turned Into A Driveway 53
Spider-Pig 52
Last Week’s Third Place Team 51
Don Jr. Hopes These Four Years Are Over Soon – We Hope It’s Sooner 51
Knick Knack Paddy Whack Give The Dog A Bone 48
Hot Dogs 47
I Smell Like Beef 45
Soar High, Falcons 42
Shut The Front Door 39
They Stole Our Name 39
Duke Tennis Kid 18

Give Peas A Chance

July 17, 2017

At dinner, my son, Jake, who unlike most kids his age absolutely loves his veggies, finished all his green peas. Meanwhile, his sister, Maxine, who doesn’t throw off the finicky kid curve, hadn’t touched hers. So Jake tried to sneak a few peas off his sister’s plate but Maxine would have none of it, despite the fact he was only after the stuff she didn’t want. His mom and I chastised him for bothering his sister and told him to stay on his own plate. Jake then shouted, “But I want HER peas!” To which my wife fired back, “Well, date a few sorority chicks when you get to college.”

Man, I love that woman.

If Life Gives You Lemons…

July 14, 2017

It’s happened again.

lemonade_stand

Every summer there’s at least one story about some kid somewhere in these United States of America who sets up a lemonade stand and runs afoul of “the man.” You know, some bureaucrat who wants to rain on some poor snowflake’s free trade parade by citing laws and ordinances and zoning and sanitation and crap. Bad, bad Big Brother and its rush to squash the hopes of some moppet with grand plans and a pitcher of sour, lemony goodness in a front yard or at the end of a cul-de-sac. Let wee Susie sell her delicious refreshment, the public cries! Leave little Larry alone and allow him to learn the free enterprise system in a wholesome and innocent way!

Of course it’s all utter shite. Read the rest of this entry »

July 12 Trivia Rankings

July 13, 2017

Thanks to all the Quizlings who braved a sweltering summer evening to play the Triangle’s Best Trivia™! Yep, it was a toughie but that sorta thing builds character. And there was ice cream (though not Neapolitan).

We talked of ducklings, the Eighth Wonder of the World and “new” US states. Plus there was this cinematic disaster:

Now, how’d your team do this week? Here are the rankings…

Donny, You Are Out Of Your Element 62
Isle Of Lucy 59
Potent Potables 58
From Russia With Love 58
Phelps vs. Shark: Go Shark! 57
Men Are from Mars. Poop is From Uranus. 57
Beyond Treasonable Doubt 56
Lon & Meredith Are In Brazil. We’re Gonna Lose 54
When Will It Be Tiffany’s Turn To Embarrass US? 52
On A Collusion Course 52
Quit Russian My Emails 51
Toon Squad 51
If It’s Later In The Summer, I Love It 51
You Go Into The Bathroom American, You Come Out Russian.
                 What Are You in the Middle? Committing Treason! 49
Old Kids On The Block 47
3 Of Clubs, Your Order Is Ready 44
Where Are The Kids? 43
Came For The Answers – Instead I Got Pizza 43
We’re The Ones Who Didn’t Get Ice Cream Last Week 🙂 41
Much Ado About Nothingburgers 41
60% Of The Time We Win Every Time 39
Danes 38
Will & Cam 36
Port And Starburst 34
Monstars 29

Din Mother

July 10, 2017

webelo

One time, in fifth grade, I was having a cub scout meeting at my place and this neighbor came over – I think his name was Mr. Hopnagle – and he complained about all the noise we kids were making. (We lived in a crappy apartment with paper-thin walls, a far cry from the crappy apartment with cardboard-thin walls I live in today.) My mom, whom I suspect had been putting up with a pack of screaming Webelos only by way of a bottle of Jim Beam she kept hidden in the toilet tank, tried to dissuade the neighbor from contacting the landlord and having us evicted. Eventually, they both went into the bedroom and put on the soundtrack to Urban Cowboy real loud. After about ten minutes, Mr. Hopnagle came out to the living room and got a couple of Pasbt out of the fridge and some nylon cords we were using to practice knot tying and he went back inside the bedroom. About five minutes later I heard my mom scream Tom Selleck’s name. Then Mr. Hopnagle left and my mom came out and told all the kids to go home even though we hadn’t worked out all the plans for the upcoming pinewood derby. We got evicted two weeks later, however, not because Hopnagle complained but because my dad was found passed out drunk and naked in the laundry room.

Radio Nowhere

July 7, 2017

And while we’re at it, can we put a ban on the phrase “long time listener – first time caller?” We get it: You like the radio show. Why not prove it by calling in and contributing with a pertinent, insightful question or salient point of observation? No need to waste precious airtime sounding like a complete tool with a suck-up phrase that’s so clichè Marconi probably rolls over in his grave every time it’s uttered.