People I Hate #333 (In A Series)

September 22, 2022

Who: The guy who says, “Don’t leave me hangin’” when he tries to high-five you.

Why: It doesn’t matter where you are – chatting in a parking lot, sitting in a staff meeting, walking across campus – someone will say something or do something and he’ll feel the need to punctuate the moment with a high-five. The moment doesn’t need it. The high-five is awkward, unprovoked and completely egregious. But there it is, suspended aloft, awaiting reciprocation. The last thing you want to do is high-five this douchebag. Maybe you don’t like him or perhaps it’s just that the high-five is so misplaced and ridiculous that by even acknowledging it you risk lowering yourself to his idiotic level. Yet there it is, that plaintive hand and that challenging entreaty: Don’t leave me hangin’! And still you should. You should leave him hangin’. He’s a tool with absolutely no ability to read a social situation and you should totally leave him hangin’ in any way that concept can be interpreted.

How I justify it: If the situation warranted a high-five, I would have already freakin’ high-fived you and so you wouldn’t need to beg me to validate your stupid existence.

Trivia Rankings: 21 September 2022

September 21, 2022

Wow! What a fantastic night for trivia! Seriously, that weather was perfect and the crowd of Quizlings that showed up to play was pretty much perfect too (but you know I’m biased).

Please make plans to join us next Wednesday night as we celebrate our 13th anniversary! There will be prizes and trivia and – wait, the usual stuff? Yes but more! We’re raffling off that prize pack and you get a raffle ticket for one of these reasons:

Bring a pooch or pooches top the patio. One ticket per pup.

Bring cat or dog canned food for the Pet Food Pantry. One ticket per can!

Show me a picture of your pet, current or past. Just one ticket per person.

DRAW me a picture of your pet, past or present – real or imagined. Just one ticket per person. (I’ll bring paper and drawing implements.)

I hope everybody takes advantage of this raffle. You can even sponsor us (email me for details) and I’ll list your business or your name in our infopacket.

That’s all happening next week, rain or shine! Join us please! Bring your friends! Spread the word!

This week, we talked tennis, toys, toms and true/false. Plus there was this Hon-De-Laud-Hup-Hivvel-Up-Nick-Hon-De-Laud-Hup-Hivvel-Up-Nick-Nick-Hon-De-Rikki-Tikki-Lo-Y-Livin-#1-Nickelodeon memory…

Now check out these scores! Hey, a tie for first place! We’ll do it again next week, Quizlings… see you in sebben!

Let It Go57
NyQuil Chicken Soup For The Soul57
Subpoena Colada53
Egg Monkey Pelican52
Witty Earth, Wind And Fire Pun50
Our Team Is Older Than Yours49
Nepotism49
We’re Too Old For This Stuff48
People Are Crazy48
Maroon Too40
Peanuts40
It’s More Fun At The Kids Table39
On Wednesdays, We Wear Pink37
Ring That Neptune37
J Train34
Do You Remember The 21st Night Of September?  32
Parm Goblins31
The Easter Bunnies31
Cheezus Crust28
A-Team25
Garlic Isopods23
A & E13

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

September 19, 2022

Five Cover Songs That May Be Better Than The Original

Roll Over Beethoven – ELO

Got To Get You Into My Life – Earth, Wind and Fire

Hazy Shade of Winter – The Bangles

For You – Manfred Mann’s Earth Band

The Loco-Motion – Grand Funk Railroad and/or Kylie Minogue

Five Hats On A Hat

A beanie on a bowler

A fez on a sombrero

A deerstalker on a bowler

A tricorne on a cloche

A beret on a tuque

Five Rejected Breakfast Cereals

Froot Poops

Marion Boo Berry

Grope-Nuts

Licky Charms

Fruit ‘n Favre

Five Other Things Old MacDonald Had

 A 1959 Ford Galaxie

 A license to kill

Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass’ 1965 album Whipped Cream & Other Delights

The strength of ten (because his heart was pure)

Mrs. MacDonald

Five James Bond Meat Titles

A View to a Kielbasa

The Spam Who Loved Me

The Man with the HoneyBaked Ham

From Russia with Brisket

On Her Majesty’s Summer Sausage

Let Them Eat Cake!

September 16, 2022

Did you know that some primate species other than human beings have been known to celebrate birthdays? Chimpanzees and orangutans have both been observed in the wild to honor one another on the anniversary of their birth. While some primatologists have suggested this means that these animals possess a rudimentary calendar, Jane Goodall theorizes that it all simply has to do with the universal appeal of a Carvel ice cream cake!

Trivia Rankings: 14 September 2022

September 14, 2022

A great night (what fantastic weather!) for trivia. Thanks to all the Quizlings who made it out. Missed a lot of regular faces. Hope to see you back soon.

The Dog Days of Trivia continue. Remember to grab your raffle ticket by bringing a dog, pet food (canned) or a photo of your pet. One photo per person per week but you’ll get as many raffle tickets each Wednesday for as many dogs/cans you show up with. No mixing or matching. And live, real dogs only is something I regret I have to say.

This week, we visited a malt shop, told folk tales and realized that two people playing the same sport can have the same bloody name. Plus there was this musical memory (short term memory but still)…

Now let’s look at the team rankings for the week. Another close game with a 3-way tie for third place. We’ll do it again next Wednesday so spread the word! See you in sebben!

Queen’s Corgis57
Bob With One O56
King Charles Spaniels52
Shortness Of Beth52
There Can Only Be One Liz52
Stifler’s Mom Has More Emmy Wins Than Better Call Saul     50
Her Majesty, The King48
Another One Bites The Dust Bye Queen44
Now She’s Colonising Heaven43
Long Die The Queen40
Diana’s Revenge31
I Thought This Was Speed Dating27

You Can Stop It Any Time Now

September 12, 2022

Yelling at me when I walk into a Moe’s Southwest Grill, I mean.

Oh sure, I know it’s supposed to be a charming greeting that sets your restaurant franchise apart from the other chains – and maybe there was a slight novel attraction at first – but we all know now that the staff hates it, the customers hate it and it’s little more than a jarring holdover of a more unaffected, spontaneous time. It’s not as though everyone participates: you get one, maybe two, employees who let out a half-hearted “welcome to moe’s” in hopes that enough voices will join in to drown out the obvious contempt and distaste in their own. But it never happens. It’s the fast food equivalent of when you were a kid and your mom would make you thank other adults for giving you something or having you in their home. Mom: “What do you say to Mrs. Tietelbaum?” You (muttering under your breath as you shuffle your feet in awkward defiance): “Thank you, Mrs. Tietelbaum.” You didn’t mean it and everyone knew it – just a perfunctory mandate from the powers-that-be to feign a meager ounce of sincerity.

Well, Moe’s, you can stop it any time now. You’re welcome.

Bruce Springsteen Stole My Wife

September 9, 2022

At first, I didn’t think much of it. A poster of Bruce on our bedroom wall, a few strains of Dancing In The Dark belted out during long, hot, steamy showers. It all seemed innocent enough. I mean, I have my Wang Chung obsession; why should I think twice about anyone liking a rock legend? But then came the albums and CDs and songbooks and DVD of videos. And why has the 2009 Super Bowl been listed as DO NOT DELETE on the DVR for over ten years? Then, casually, without suspicion: “I have a business trip next February in Florida.” Hmmm. According to VH1, that’s where Bruce is kicking off his 2023 concert tour with dates in Tampa, Orlando and Hollywood. Coincidence; it has to be. Then the subsequent trips scribbled in her date book… a family reunion in Dallas … a cousin’s wedding in Kansas City… a girls trip to Portland… all following the E Street Band tour schedule. The final straw? Well, as if that Patti Scialfa dartboard wasn’t enough, I casually mentioned starting my own business, saying I’d like to be my own boss, when she flipped out, held a butcher knife to my block and tackle and screamed, “There’s only ONE Boss! And you’ll NEVER be HIM!” Oh sure, the divorce lawyer says it’s all circumstantial but I know the truth and it’s killing me. I mean, how the hell am I supposed cope with this? It’s like – it’s like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul … what the bloody hell?! Damn you, Springsteen! You are the source of all my woes but only you can truly give voice to my pain. 

“Bruce Springsteen, You Stole My Wife!”

Trivia Rankings: 7 September 2022

September 8, 2022

Another hot and humid night as the summer winds down but I think we avoided the wet stuff for the most part. We even had a few pooches on the patio (although I missed the chance to say “hi”).

The Dog Days of Trivia wrap up this month with a prize drawing the last Wednesday of September (prizes for pets and people). Must be present to win but you get a raffle ticket each week for bringing doggies out to trivia with you (actual canines, please – no stuffed animals or dog stand ins). If you don’t have a pup or you have one that won’t do well in a communal setting, bring cans of cat or dog for for Safe Haven For Cats’ Pet Food Pantry! If neither of those scenarios please, show me a picture of your pet. You can do one or the other each week but you can’t mix and match so bring out man’s best friend one week, bring some canned pet food the next and show me a picture that last week – just not all in the same week. Note: you get one raffle ticket per dog or per can each week but I’m only accepting one photo per week since we carry so many around with us on our phones someone could wipe me out of raffle tickets in one go!

I’ll explain more if you need. Thanks to Tomato Jake’s and Safe Haven For Cats for sponsoring The Dog Days of Trivia!

If you missed this week’s triviawesomeness, you missed references to Pokémon, cooking shows, 80s rockers and a onetime comic book ad staple. Plus there was this reference which was made in passing to one of the questions…

Now let’s see how the teams ranked this week. Very close game, Quizlings! We’ll do it again next Wednesday. See you in sebben!

We’re Worried, Darling58
You Don’t Know Jack57
Jomato Take’s57
The Magic Toasters51
Rule #6: 5 Is Right Out!51
Ope51
Truss But Verify50
Executive Puberty49
Artemissed These Questions47
Cat Days Of Winter45
Gray Matters32
Gimme Those Ding Dongs Or I Release The Tapes     31

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

September 6, 2022

Five Things I’m Honestly Not Quite Sure What They Are

NFTs

Longitude & latitude

Chicory

Flying buttresses

Yung Gravy

Five Signs Summer Is Ending

Extra blanket on bed at night

AC running less and less

Football season kicks off

Kids waiting at bus stops again

The letters M, E and R

Five Updated Grimm’s Fairy Tales

Rapunzel, Vampire Slayer

Snow White, Alien Hunter

Cinderella, Zombie Taxidermist

Tom Thumb, Thumb Warrior

Rumpelstiltskin, Stilt Skinner

Five Rarely Used Yoga Positions

Plumber’s Moon

Crazy Aunt at Bingo

Pie in the Face

Hot Cheese Burning Roof of the Mouth

Downward Snoop Dogg

Five Children’s Book Characters’ Secret Fears

Waldo – Being Alone

The Man in the Yellow Hat – Monkeypox

Peter Rabbit – Hasenpfeffer

The Lorax – Moustache lice

The Hardy Boys – Finding out Nancy Drew’s really a dude

Sign Language

September 2, 2022

I realize I’m about 50 years too late in my outrage but I think the guy who is ostensibly the singer of the song Signs (originally by Five Man Electrical Band, later remade by Tesla) is a completely and total dick. Yes, I know the tune was released in 1971 when it was a counter-culture anthem and the main character is supposedly a rebel who stands up to “The Man” in all his forms but the hippie haranguer is, at best, a fraud, a trespasser and a thief. I mean, he applies for a job under false pretenses, he stands on a guy’s property and yells at him and he steals the offerings from a collection plate in church. What a d-bag! I guess I’d be really upset if I didn’t imagine the jerk died horribly when he ignored the “No Skating – Thin Ice” sign late one winter because he felt that Mother Nature is just too cool a chick to not allow him the dynamite pleasure of ice skating in March.