People I Hate (#181 In A Series)

September 27, 2021

Who: The realtor with their face on the sign

Why: If I’m going to make a major purchase that I’ll be paying for over the next few decades, there are plenty of question I’ll have. Certainly I want to work with a person whose knowledge and experience can answer those questions and ease my fears and concerns. But the last thing I care about is what they look like. Seriously, my realtor could be a mutated blob of protoplasm in a bucket if they can knock ten percent off the asking price. Ultimately, vanity just seems an odd character trait to display prominently in front of property for sale.

How I justify it: I’m about to plunk down four years’ salary on a place that could become a money pit – you think a freakin’ glamour shot is what I need to calm me down?!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Back to School Edition)

September 24, 2021

Five Embarrassing School Memories

Spit Up Milk On Teacher – 9th Grade

Mispronounced “Comfortable” When Narrating Film Strip – 1st Grade

Fly Open During Oral Report – 11th Grade

Danced As Christmas Tree In Holiday Pageant – 2nd Grade

Accidentally Killed A Substitute Teacher – 5th Grade

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Five Awesome School Supplies

Pen With Four Colors Of Ink

Erasers Shaped Like Animals

Fully Loaded Backpack

New Kids On The Block Lunchbox

The Trapper Keeper

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Five Rejected Prom Themes

Midnight On Parris Island

A Black & Blue Ball

One Infected Evening

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

Entrapment Under The Sea

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Five Stupid Thesis Topics

The Films Of Adam Sandler As A Metaphor For The Cold War

Grandma’s Menopause

The Jerky Boys: Where Are They Now?

Mad Libs and Women’s Lib

Fire In The Hole: The History Of Spicy Curry

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Five Signs Your Teacher Loves You

He slips you notes in class

Asks you to stay behind every day for an entire semester

When you answer a question, he asks you to repeat it – but slower and “make your voice a little more breathy”

During lunch, she stands outside the cafeteria holding a boombox like John Cusack in “Say Anything”

She grades you on her curves

Trivia Rankings: 22 September 2021

September 22, 2021

Rain? Well, of course. It’s a Wednesday. But that didn’t stop seventeen dedicated groups of Quizlings vying for the top spot. Thanks to those who braved the wetness. Did you do it for the fame, the glory or the ice cream? Chances are it was for the Vanilla Ice bubble gum.

Seriously. This was a prize.

For those who missed the triviawesomeness, you missed Great Lakes, Friday the 13th and the same bloody question I ask every year. Plus there was this game show geography lesson … Do it, Rockapella!

Now here are the rankings for the week. Lots of ties. See you next week, Quizlings!

Darmok And Jalad At Tanagra 52

Don’t Bean Me, Bro? 49

Blame It On the Rain 47

Vaccine Not Approved For STD Prevention 47

Can I Get A Rain Check On the Rain? 46

Chicken & Pickles 45

Rain Of Terror 45

It Only Rains On Wednesdays 45

Drinking Llamas 45

All You Can Eat Jimmy Buffet 43

It’s Fall, Y’all 43

We Stole This Name From the School Bathroom 40

The Little Lads 36

What If… MC Was Thor’s Hammer? 36

Starblazers 32

Team Uninspired 32

Total Eclipse Of The Farts 27

Word

September 21, 2021

Word of the day? Damn right it is.

People I Hate #134 (In A Series)

September 20, 2021

Who: The guy who called me “Boss Man” at the convenience store.

Why: He didn’t know me. He didn’t even work there. He was just some schlub who couldn’t be bothered to walk around me but saw fit to brush right past me like I was in his way and make it good with a noncommittal, “’Scuse me, Boss Man.”

How I justify it: I don’t even know what the hell that means?! It’s not like there’s anything about me that suggests I’m in charge of anything or screams, “Hey, plebes, I am the one percent! Bow down!” So when this jerk breezed by and drawled “’Scuse me, Boss Man” in such a dismissive way I just had a visceral reaction. I literally saw red and wanted to lodge the nearest can of Quaker State into the least convenient orifice on this redneck doofus.

Not proud of it but there it is.

Next, Please

September 17, 2021

Why are we still talking about it? Who the hell cares? I was bored with them before they started sucking up all that unnecessary media time.

Basically, here’s ten people, places & things I’m completely sick of…

Revolving door of JEOPARDY! hosts

The chicken payout

Planet Nine

Streaming ads

White Claw

California recall election

The Met Gala

Murder hornets

The latest hot album that just “dropped”

People glomming onto my wifi (and I know it’s you, Crandall! You asked me what my first pet’s name was last month and I know that wasn’t because you cared! Plus it takes longer to download a file now than it did when I had freakin’ dial-up! Yeah, you know I’d change the password if I could remember how to do it.)

Yes, please, I’ve had up to here with the whole lot of you.  Please deposit your 15 minutes at the same door you should not let you hit you on the ass as you leave through it.

Trivia Rankings: 15 September 2021

September 15, 2021

The night was warm but no sign of the wet stuff that’s plagued or threatened us the last few weeks. Thanks to all the Quizlings who came out to play and help us celebrate our 12th anniversary (celebrating all month long with a special quiz and special prizes September 29).

This week, the ice cream was free, the gravel was loose and the Quizlings were faaaantastic! Here’s what we discussed: Beauty brands, TV adaptations, Hot 100 hitmakers and Russian Schrödinger’s cats. Plus there was this OH-MY-GOD-MAKE-IT-STOP earworm moment…

Now it’s time to look at the team rankings for the week. See you next week!

Trinidad Ballers 55

No One Is To Blame 54

Drinking Llamas 50

A Moth Went Into The Podiatrist’s Office 47

Pardon Lucifer 47

Jessica 47

Vogue Chose My Tweet At The Met Gala 46

The Undefeated Cincinnati Bengals 46

Quantum Rubble 42

Turd Ferguson 41

Trivial Matters 39

Frank Ocean’s Green Baby 39

State of Confusion 37

Starblazers 34

The Blue Team 30

Batman 28

Back On Broadway 17 (incomplete)

WILL THE FARMERS’ ALMANAC KINDLY JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?

September 13, 2021

It’s been a hot summer around here. Not sweltering or debilitating or anything like that but hot enough. AC’s been going full blast and some fans are even running to take the edge off – but outside it’s been a hot, humid mess. All that nastiness and now we’re finally nearing what could reasonably called “fall.” Beautiful autumnness with lower temps and cool winds and leaves and fairs and stuff. Can’t wait.

And then the bloody Farmers’ Almanac comes along and screams, “WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE HORRIBLY IN THE DEATH ICEBOX OF NATURE!” Well, technically, they didn’t scream and it was more like, “Farmers’ Almanac predicts one of the coldest winters on record” and “deep winter chill” and “numb’s the word.” The editor even called it a “season of shivers” which of course makes me think of Halloween and while I love The Monster Mash I wouldn’t want to experience that Bobby “Boris” Pickett novelty sumbitch the whole freakin’ winter!

Ultimately, the Farmers’ Almanac maybe right, may be wrong – that’s so not the point. The point is we were finally getting a little tiny amount of joy up in this Accuweather bitch and the Farmers’ Almanac has to come along and try and scare the ever-lovin’ crap outta us!

So, forgive me if I politely ask, “Will the Farmers’ Almanac kindly just shut the hell up?”

Help Less

September 10, 2021

I keep seeing this commercial for some organization out to help third world children. They’re not breaking any new molds; the doom and gloom pleas of “only YOU can help” have been around since Sally Struthers first peeled an onion. But they always irk me for their basic disingenuous nature. For instance, in the ad I keep seeing, there’s some kid from Paraguay named Jose (the name and the country have been changed to protect the innocent – but primarily because I don’t remember them exactly) who’s getting water from a puddle that looks like it was defecated in by fraternity pledges with the type of stomach virus that makes Legionnaires Disease look like sour belly. The announcer plaintively intones, “Who will help Jose?” And all I can do is scream at the screen, “How about the damn cameraman?! HE’S RIGHT THERE!!!”

Trivia Rankings: 8 September 2021

September 9, 2021

The rain, it never goes away. Or more like goes away until Wednesday. Thanks a lot, Weather!

But still a few Quizlings gave it a shot and braved the dampness and apparently some difficult questions (lowest high score since March 24). Thanks to everyone who came out to play. We’re celebrating our Thirteenth Anniversary all month long, culminating with a special night on September 25th. Don’t miss it!

This week? There was some rockin’ Earth science, a few musical BMs and a sequel that is definitely not optioned by Disney! And someone went home with this World of Warcraft t-shirt…

Now check out the rankings for the week. Let’s do it again next Wednesday!

No One Is To Blame   49

Bomb Pops Go Bye Bye?  48

RIP Farmer In The Dell  46

Grandpa Wasn’t Here To Pick A Team Name  44

Successful Gift Card Users 44

NC: 52nd In Labor, First In Friendship 41

Vaccination Street 41

I Scream If No Ice Cream 40

Handmaid’s Texas 39

3 Out Of 5 Idiots 36

Drinking Llamas 33

Trivial Controversy  33

The Cadillacs 32

Ginger Snap 32

Skeleton Crew 31