Save It For A Rainy Day

February 15, 2019

Put a call into my financial advisor the other day. Wanted to check on my retirement account. He called back later to let me know that a near mint Charizard card and $250 in unused Flooz was not really much of a retirement plan. He also told me to lose his number or face a restraining order.

Retirement? Yeah … it looks like I’ll be bagging groceries until I’m 85.

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February 13 Trivia Rankings

February 14, 2019

Thanks to all the Quizlings who came to play on this Valentine’s Day Eve trivia outing. Another close game … and the winners readily admit they made it to first place by checking out my weekly trivia hints (follow me on Twitter @SparkyMacMillan). Hey, I’ve been doing this for a while now and there’s no real secret to winning. Ask me how to up your game and I’ll tell you.

This week, we got lost in the Bermuda Triangle, played football with the Alliance and won a Grammy with the Prez from Plains. And then there was this toy hit from Hasbro…

Now check out the team rankings for this week. See you next time Quizlings!

Happy Desperation Day 71
They Went To Belgium And Didn’t Bring Us Any Waffles 70
Who’s Ready For Shutdown #2? 69
Pizza Dabbers 68
The Calfinated Cows 64
Red Rover, Red Rover, Send Opportunity Right Over 63
My Dog Ate My Team Name 61
Ground Control To Major Tom: Opportunity Is Dead 61
El Chapo Hill 50
Two is Better Than None 48
Ocho Loco 44
Potato Ben’s 39
Jimmy Cracked Corn 39
AOC 2028 37

Five Random Five (Valentine’s Edition)

February 12, 2019

 

Five Embarrassing Crushes

The Super Nanny

Dame Judi Dench

Melissa Etheridge

Peter Scolari as Hildegarde in Bosom Buddies

Cheetara (Thundercats)

 

Five Unfortunate Valentine’s Day Memories

Chicken pox – third grade

Had candy hearts superglued to forehead by a-hole roommate in college after I fell asleep

High school girlfriend allergic to flowers I sent her

Romantic dinner for two turned into awkward dinner for three when she brought her boyfriend (2005)

First boy/girl party in middle school and I inadvertently spent “7 Minutes In Heaven” with an American Girl doll

 

Five Bad Excuses to Turn Down a Date

Dog in heat

Just got Ant-Man and the Wasp on Blu-ray

Building life-size model of Orson Welles out of Legos

Roadying for REO Speedwagon reunion tour

Those Pottery Barn catalogs won’t recycle themselves!

 

Five Rejected Conversation Heart Sayings

Hands Off, Creep-O!

Future Taylor Swift Ex

MILF-tastic

Who’s Your Caddy?

Be My #1 & I’ll #2

 

Five Les Misérables Pickup Lines

I dreamed a dream of you and me in a three-way.

Oh, I will make you hear the people sing, baby!

At the end of the day, you’d better go home with me.

You are the hottest toothless, hairless prostitute I’ve ever seen!

My number may be 24601, but yours is a solid 10!

 

The World’s Tiniest Voilà!

February 8, 2019

I think the most pathetic occupation ever must be the birthday party magician. Birthday party clowns I can understand; those suckers are already warped. But the magicians? Sad, oh so sad. Here you are, a craftsman, an artiste, finely honing your talent to the point your illusory skill can make people suspend their disbelief and “oooh” and “aaaah” over your marvelous feats. But due to the fact that you can’t get a good agent or you live in Hoboken, NJ or you just aren’t up to the standards of David Copperfield, you have to knock ‘em dead at 7-year-old Caitlin’s Chuck E. Cheese gala.

“This next trick was first conjured by the Augustinian Monks in the 6th century A.D. and has mystified the crowned heads of Europe –” “Make a balloon animal!” “What?” “Make a balloon doggie!” “Oy, my life sucks.”

balloondoggie

February 6 Trivia Rankings

February 7, 2019

A fantastic night of trivia, my Quizlings. Close game, that’s for sure (check out those scores). But that’s just how it plays out. Some weeks it’s a high scoring game – others … well, you wish I’d take a flying leap at a rolling doughnut.

What’d we get up to? We scored very low in tennis, misspelled a tuber and played in the Puppy Bowl. Plus there was this video short that’s really a commercial…

Now let’s see how your team did. Check it out and we’ll do it again next week with a special Valentine’s Day game.

Stupor Bowl 71
Brownie Dots 70
Presidentially Harassed? Ha Ha Ha 70
The New England Patriots Of Team Trivia 70
Bored Of Education 69
The State of Tomato Jake’s Is Strong 67
Nancy And Sluggo 66
The Rachel Ray Fan Club 61
This Team Is Made With Corn Syrup 60
State Of the Union As Unwatchable As The Super Bowl 59
Silence Of The Rams 59
Rams 3, Maroon 5 59
The State Of The Union Is Loooong 58
Fat Kids Win At See Saw 40
The Clean-Up Hitters 40

Many thanks to those who donated to pay for Quebec‘s eye surgery. Here’s a pic of the feline trooper below. Plus, check out the SEE Is For Cats Fund details if you want to do more.

quebec

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All-Animal Edition)

February 4, 2019

 

Five Signs You Married A Monkey

Your compost bin is 90% full of banana peels

Some spouses nitpick; she picks nits

Her family reunions take place in a zoo

That big red ass

Instead of throwing the bouquet, she flings her poo

 

Five Bird Names I Can’t Believe Are Bird Names

Slaty-breasted tinamou

Southern screamer

Erect-crested penguin

Tawny frogmouth

Cinnamon-frosted crampstuffer

 

Five LOLcat Wannabes

BFFzebras

DIAFparrots

WTFbears

BDSMturtles

LMFAOtters

 

Five Dolphin Complaints

Those bastards at Sea World

Fin rot

Since he went Hollywood, Flipper never returns calls

Racists who confuse us with porpoises

Handsy tourists who always wanna stick something in the blowhole

 

Five Reasons Old McDonald Should Be Locked Up

Farm is really a front for illegal pot operation

Runs fetish site involving free range eggs and a some busty milkmaids

“Old McDonald” really a codename for Russian mob hitman

Mrs. McDonald is buried out behind the chicken coop

He’s racked up a list of crimes against nature so extensive that he’s consistently atop PETA’s Most Wanted list

 

Pranks For The Memories

February 1, 2019

When I was in high school and people passed around their yearbooks, I’d always try to sneak in a passage that went something like this:

You are the coolest friend I ever had! Stay totally rad, bro! – Jazzbiscuit

Thing is – my nickname wasn’t Jazzbiscuit. No one I knew was called Jazzbiscuit; I made the name up. I just like the idea that there are dozens of former classmates out there who will occasionally reminisce over their old yearbooks and wonder, “Who the hell was Jazzbiscuit?!”

 

January 30 Trivia Rankings

January 31, 2019

The temperature outside was cold but the trivia inside was hot. Or maybe it was the pizza that was hot. The quizmaster … ? Nope, definitely not. Well, weather analogies aside, I think we felt a little better about this week’s scores than last week. Pixar and Marvel helped (BTW both owned by Disney – soon to own your soul).

What’s what up this time out? We got a B with Jacko, floated some rocks and paid more for a stamp. Plus there was this distant Gen X childhood memory that would have been so much sweeter with Deadpool…

Now check out the ranking for this week. How’d your team do?

Intelligence Isn’t Intelligence 68
We’re Only Here To Establish An Alibi 67
Clean-up Hitters 67
Brrrrr! 65
How Much Does A Box Of Cheerios Cost? Ten Dollars? 64
Patriot Fatique 64
The State Of The Onion Makes Us Cry 62
Someone Made Elsa Mad Again 61
Build The Wall And Get Over It 58
Why TF Is Glen Wearing Shorts? 57
6 Rings 56
The Night Court 52
Swipe Right For Glen 51
One Wheel Short Of A Unicycle 51
Chicken Cheetoh Sandies 50
Show Me Your Kitties 49
It’s Too Cold To Play Trivia 44

It’s Not Easy Beating Greens

January 28, 2019

As Whole Foods gets a black eye and pulls spinach from shelves due to Salmonella contamination, the green leafy scourge has hit very close to home and claimed another, more famous, victim: Popeye.

The one-eyed, burly-forearmed sailor known to millions around the world succumbed to a distressing bout of Salmonella after eating contaminated spinach last week.

Although normally tough, Popeye’s spinach-dependent strength has proven to be his trademark.  Unfortunately, as of late, his leaf vegetable-induced virility has been limited to household tasks like taking out the trash and moving the sofa so that his housekeeper, Alice the Goon, could vacuum. (In earlier decades, Popeye’s notorious feats of brute force and unparalleled power were primarily used to defeat his arch-nemesis Bluto – a.k.a. Brutus, Sindbad the Sailor, “The Big Guy Who Hates Popeye,” “Mean Man” and “Sonny.”  Sadly, Bluto passed away in 1985; he died in prison, serving a 45-year sentence for marine piracy and kidnapping.)

Popeye spent his last days in Crystal City, Texas, surrounded by friends and family. He battled the intestinal malady with great fortitude but, unable to receive succor from his beloved leaf, Popeye resigned himself to his fate by saying, “I’ve had all I can stand, I can’t stands no more.”

The mumbling, tattooed sailor is survived by his common law wife, Olive Oyl; his four illegitimate sons, Pipeye, Pupeye, Poopeye, Peepeye (who, in less enlightened times, were forced to pass as his “nephews”); his father, Poopdeck Pappy (believed to be about 206 years old); and Eugene the Jeep, whatever the hell that is.

Reportedly, his last words were, “I bleed from my anus ‘cuz spinach is heinous; I’m Popeye the Salmonella man!” Punctuated, of course, with a couple of short toots on his corncob pipe. And then oblivion.

Popeye. 1929 – 2019. Rest in peace.

We’ll Do It Live!

January 26, 2019

What is it about a live concert experience that makes some people want to scream at the top of their lungs? Seriously. I find it difficult to believe that the musical talent onstage actually finds this helpful in any way. Nonetheless, every concert, every event, every time, some drunken redneck feels the need to let loose a rebel yell like the original Skynyrd had just risen from the dead and picked out the opening chords to Sweet Home Alabama. Hey, mullet head! Shut up and stop ruining every live album ever recorded! You’re not leading Pickett’s Charge up Cemetery Ridge, okay? Applaud and dance and, heck, even shout the ubiquitous Freebird every now and again (that’s your birthright as a Southerner) but that ear-piercing shriek you wanna lob at the rest of us like a vocal dagger to the eardrum? Hell, that sucker can stay lodged half-choked in the back of your throat, alright?