The Name Game

July 15, 2018

What is the most annoying thing on earth? My vote is for when you pose the innocent question, “What’s your name?” and someone snaps back, “Puddentame. Ask me again I’ll tell you the same.” Dead annoying when it happens on the playground at recess in second grade. A real good reason for an arse kicking when the new temp tries it at a departmental meeting in front of your boss.

Seriously, that slack-jawed son of a bitch better watch his back or I will make his life a living misery.

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July 11 Trivia Rankings

July 12, 2018

It was great to see folks out again for an evening of Tomato Jake’s Trivia after a week off for America’s birthday. We got some cool ice cream to offset the heat and some cool trivia to satiate our brains.

The Dog Days of Trivia continue all summer long so bring those pooches out to the patio to get entered in our gift basket raffle (date: TDB, at the end of the season – you must be present to win). I will offer opportunities next month for those who don’t have pets to proffer for prizes.

What did we learn this week? Dinosaurs are cool (except when they sing and dance). Sparky has a lot of Tay Tay on his MP3 player. And corn pone is not what you think. Plus there was this incredible Kentucky-fried guest appearance…

Now here are this week’s rankings. See you next Wednesday, Quizlings!

Rescue Diver Fan Club 66
More Pizza For Us, I Guess 65
The Pasty White Stay-at-Homes 64
How Many Navy Seals Does It Take To Secure Free Ice Cream? 61
Send In The Divers, America’s Sinking 61
Trivia Newton-John 61
Clooney In Sequel To Gravity 58
Trivia 1 56
Putin’s Pocket 54
2 Guys, No Girls, And A Pizza Place 54
Threat Level Midnight 53
The Only Thing Coming Home Is England’s Futbol Team 53
The Wild Bores 52
Jack of Diamonds, Your Order Is Ready 52
MTV’s The Real World Cup 47
Sun’s Out, Pun’s Out 46
Forgot My Flask 45
International House of Pizza 45
Freaky Wednesday 43
What’s My Name Again? 38

Past Imperfect

July 7, 2018

I was going through some storage boxes in the back closet earlier and I found my old retainer and headgear and a couple of pairs of those Coke-bottle-lens glasses I wore back in junior high school (hell, I thought they were novelty specs for a second) and I was suddenly transported back to teenage years so awkward the geeks in chess club who played D&D and ran their rock tumblers nonstop could hold their heads high, secure in the knowledge that at least they weren’t me.

Seriously, Puberty! You’re nothing more than the ultimate proof Mother Nature’s nothing but a sadist.

The Origin of Independence Day

July 4, 2018

The world’s first Fourth of July celebration was held in 1653 in Plymouth, Massachusetts. The Pilgrims, after a particularly hard Winter, had planted their crops for the coming year. Tending to their fields was of utmost importance to the colonists but the Governor of the settlement had decreed that one day should be set aside for a Display of Fealty to the Crown. The date chosen was July 4, 1653. The date is of importance because it fell upon a Thursday and it was heretofore unheard of to take a day of rest that did not fall upon the Sabbath. But July 4 was picked not because of any religious or political import but because the Governor had a mistress and he wanted an excuse to visit her. With the colony celebrating his newfound holiday, he could use this day to sneak off and visit his mistress – an act unthinkable on the Sabbath or any established Holy Day. But his scheme was not to pass as his journey to the prearranged tryst location was fraught with disaster. First, his wagon wheel was warped and his axle split, throwing him and hobbling his horse. Then, he ran afoul of Dracula. Once in the thrall of the dark vampire lord, the Pilgrim Governor was sent to assassinate Cardinal Richelieu of the Spanish Inquisition. Thankfully Prince Valiant and Mothra intervened and stopped the Governor. Then Richelieu sent the cast of Hamilton to Dracula’s stronghold to defeat him. The subsequent victory was celebrated on July 4 and every subsequent year. And, thus, Independence Day was born.

It’s all true – Nancy O’Dell said so on Entertainment Tonight. Or – or maybe I read it on Wikipedia. I’m not sure, really. I drank some bad milk and downed pretty much a whole bottle of ZzzQuil. Don’t judge me! It’s a holiday!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

July 1, 2018

 

Five Misunderstood Condiments

Chutney

Capers

Tapenade

Wasabi

Chow Chow

 

Five Rarely Used Team Mascots

The Pomegranates

The Masseuses

The Kielbasas

The Surly Welshmen

The Priaprisms

 

Five Dog Breeds That Sound Snooty

Affenpinscher

Basenji

Brussels Griffon

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever

 

Five Toaster Faux Pas

More than one Pop Tart in single slot

Allowing Slenderman anywhere near it

Inserting tongue

Throwing it at toddlers

ANY fetish activity

 

Five Alarming Yet Completely Made Up Statistics

8 out of 10 teenagers have killed a neighbor

56% of postal carriers sneeze on the mail they deliver

¾ of U.S. homes are built on Native American burial grounds

11 million Americans think all maps are to scale

99 out of 100 farts are silent but deadly

June 27 Trivia Rankings

June 28, 2018

Thanks to everyone who came out to play this week. For those who didn’t (shame!), a special note and reminder: No Tomato Jake’s Trivia next week due to Independence Day (the holiday, not the movie).  See everybody in two weeks as the Dog Days Of Trivia continue!

Meanwhile, this week was all about Sanrio kitties, cinematic culinary clashes and wire-to-wire ball clubs. Also, there was this canine champ…

Now here are this week’s rankings. See how your team did!

The FDA Says I Should Smoke Now 68
Things Better With Beard Hair: Glen 66
No Soup For You, Sarah! 64
Team Names Are Really Hard 62
Jake Says My Shirt Is Not “Felt” Enough 62
Shh! We have A Sleeping Baby 61
Allison’s Birthday 60
Eric Trump For Inferior Court 60
Germany Got Das Boot 56
Only One In Dog Beers 54
Ashley, A Little Help With the Score, Please 51
The Bigs Boys V4 50
Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Woman? 44
2 Guys Who Don’t Know Squat 39
The Supreme Court Nominees 36
Kevin Needs A Raise 31

If Life Gives You Lemons…

June 26, 2018

Every summer there’s at least one story about some kid somewhere in these United States of America who sets up a lemonade stand and runs afoul of “the man.” You know, some bureaucrat who wants to rain on some poor snowflake’s free trade parade by citing laws and ordinances and zoning and sanitation and crap. Bad, bad Big Brother and its rush to squash the hopes of some moppet with grand plans and a pitcher of sour, lemony goodness in a front yard or at the end of a cul-de-sac. Let wee Susie sell her delicious refreshment, the public cries! Leave little Larry alone and allow him to learn the free enterprise system in a wholesome and innocent way!

Of course it’s all utter shite.

Let’s face it – you want, you need, some suit in city hall to come down hard on these cherubs with citrus schemes and money-raisin’ dreams. Otherwise, it’s salmonella and contamination thanks to those innocent little dirty hands and irresponsible ethics. Think an 8-year-old cares about a sanitation grade? Think a third-grader gives a damn about the proper sugar to water to fruit ratio? Leaving liquid or foodstuff sittin’ out in the hot sun may make your urchin vendor seem cute and precocious but know those refreshments are a bullet in your digestive tract once the botulism and dysentery get to work!

Open your eyes, you gullible proles: Kids who sell lemonade are not adorable! They aren’t sweet roadside peddlers with a song in their hearts and a wish upon their lips! They are death merchants trading in potable risk! Is your life worth that brief moment of Norman Rockwell bliss? No. Hell no!

So the next time you read about some precious tyke whose lemonade stand got shut down by some civil servant, don’t sympathize with the little angel. Instead, cry, “Jail’s too good for the sprog!” and breathe easier knowing that your elected officials are doing the work of the just!

lemonade

Bow Wow – Whoa!

June 23, 2018

Here’s an ad for a very special toy. It’s a cute little Dachshund. A doggie that apparently needs to go walkies.

By the way, it’s German – does that make it any more comforting? No, of course not.

June 20 Trivia Rankings

June 21, 2018

What a great night for trivia, my Quizlings! I sure hope you were part of it all – the fun and the ice cream and the Dunkin Donuts gift cards. If you missed it, we’re doing it again next week (the trivia, that is – I can’t speak to the ice cream or the donuts).

This week, we were all about Big Apple big wigs, LEGO maniacs and shake, shake, shakey pop music. And, of course, there was this forgotten television – um, gem?

Now here are all the teams, ranked from highest to lowest (someone’s gotta occupy the end bits). See you next week!

The Felonius Baby Squad 52
It’s Always 8 O;Clock Somewhere 52
Come To Canada: Keep Your Pot And Your Babies 51
Came All the Way From Georgia For The Free Ice Cream 51
Not So Topical 50
Feckless Trump 50
Triple Threat 49
Who Is Tae Kwon Do Sally? 49
Chaco Taco 47
We Like Beer 45
Two Girls One World Cup 42
Wet Bandits 42
We Scream For Ice Cream 41
Tahoe Family 41
The Big Boys B3 37
I Don’t Know How To Pronounce This 35
High Wire Act 35

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Father’s Day Edition)

June 17, 2018

Five People I Wished Were My Dad When I Was A Kid

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray on My Three Sons)

Evel Knievel

Captain Kangaroo

James Bond

Paul Lynde (yeah, I know – but at the time …)

 

Five Things My Father Never Taught Me

How to ride a bike

How to fish

How to manage my finances

The birds and the bees

How to find him when he went away

 

Five Dad Cliches

I don’t pay to heat the whole neighborhood.

Because I say so!

Go ask your mother.

I brought you into this world – I can take you out!

Let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?

 

Five of My Favorite Fathers

Father Time

Father Ted

Father Christmas

Father Guido Sarducci

Father Goose

 

Five Fictional Characters with Severe Daddy Issues

Oedipus

Hamlet

Luke Skywalker

The singer of Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

The Huxtable Kids (totally in retrospect, of course)