Archive for April, 2010

Gasholes

April 30, 2010

An explosion.  The worst spill in history.  A lack of backup safeguards.  And now – a history of accidents.

Son of a – !  I – I want every single BP executive and middle manager, from PR shill David Nicholas to CEO Tony Hayward, out on a Louisiana beach scrubbing down wildlife.  I want an honest and contrite public apology that admits malfeasance and culpability.  And I want $1.50 a gallon gasoline at every BP station until this disaster is all but a distant memory!

Bottom line: I’m not happy.  Reeeaaalllllllyyy not happy about this.

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Swap Meet

April 29, 2010

What nerve! 

I went out this morning to find my car missing.  It was gone!  The spot was empty.  I had already called 911 and was on the line with my insurance agent when that guy from Dirty Jobs came out of nowhere and said he’d swapped my ride for a Ford.  I told him that he could call it whatever he wanted but it was a felony and I’d sure be pressing charges.  He went on about how impressed I’d be driving this brand-new Ford, how better it would be than my car.  “Well, yeah,” I told him.  “My car is eight years old and has 175,000 miles on it!  A slightly used Yugo would be more impressive than my car.”  I demanded to know how he’d pulled off this grand theft caper.  He said he’d had a little help from my “friends and family,” which I knew had to be a lie since anyone who knows me understands that this type of crap totally freaks me out and I have a propensity to get a bit violent when strangers make off with my car!  I asked him point blank who helped him.  He said it was “Kingsnake.”  I told him I didn’t know anyone named Kingsnake.  He described this guy who roams around the neighborhood picking up aluminum cans.  “The homeless guy?” I asked him.  “Hell, I paid that dude ten bucks to clean my gutters five years ago.  Now he acts like we’re old army buddies.  You gave him my Toyota?  Bloody hell, it’s probably stripped for parts in some chop shop now and he’s strung out in a flop house thanks to the half a grand he sold it for.”  Rowe kept on about a Bluetooth and parallel park assist and synch system and great mileage.  I told him to get his smug TV pretty boy face off my lawn and get my car back or I’d be suing him and his camera crew and the entire Ford Motor Company.  He just stood there with his thumbs in his pockets, oozing suave charm like some latter-day cowpoke.  That’s when I got in that Fusion and ran his ass over. 

I’m not proud of it.  But I still think it was justified under the circumstances.

The Bear Necessities

April 28, 2010

I love this!  It’s an ad for the Lots-o’-Huggin’ bear.  Of course, there’s no such thing.  It’s all part of a viral campaign by the producers of Toy Story 3.  Create an ad for a toy that doesn’t exist but will play a major role in your upcoming film, put it on the web … and then let the gullible find it.  Brilliant.

To Catch A Thespian

April 27, 2010

At last!  Our long national nightmare is over.  Yes, it’s true: Randy Quaid and his wife have been arrested.  You heard me.  And it is armed with this knowledge that we can all sleep peacefully at night, rest assured that our streets are safer without the type of villainous scum character actors who would star in sitcoms like Davis Rules or appear as that annoying cousin in the Vacation movies creating terror and fear in the populace.

Now, if we can just do something about that damned evil John Lithgow and his spouse, we may actually create a new golden age of peace and prosperity in America!

Faced

April 25, 2010

Saw something yesterday that I’m still scratching my head about: a personalized license plate with the word POOFACE on it.  Offensive?  Only in the sense a second-grader calling someone boogerhead is offensive.  Puzzling is a more apt adjective here.  I mean, the DMV actively polices problematic plates.  I’ve had friends and acquaintances denied harmless tags on the off chance the words might be slang for something the DMV was not hip enough to know should be verboten.  Heck, the state recalled plates with WTF and 666 on them – even though they fell within the natural sequence of DMV-issued license tags – because they might offend someone.  No complaints; just might.  So that’s why I’m more than a bit perplexed that the same insightful minds let something so overtly scatological through.  And what does it say about the driver who so proudly displays this on the back of his ride?  I assume he’s not actively accusing the person behind him (yesterday afternoon, that would have been me) of being a POOFACE because not only is that so extremely childish but he has no idea who is behind him at any given moment and, even so, can’t be so shortsighted as think that even if everyone in his estimation deserves to be chastised in such a manner that POOFACE would be an adequate epithet.  A pet name perhaps?  A personal nickname?  Nothing really fits and nothing quite makes sense.  I’ll never know the answer but I’m honestly hoping that it’s a family name, a la 30Rock’s Dr. Spaceman, and pronounced poo-fah-cheh or something equally ridiculous.

They Say It’s Your Blackmail

April 24, 2010

At the office, whenever there’s a birthday card to be signed for a co-worker, I always write the same thing: “I know it’s you who’s been stealing stuff from the supply cabinet, but I won’t tell anyone if you give me the biggest slice of cake.”  Surprisingly, I’m right most of the time.  And I really get some amazing slices of cake out of it.

Arch Arrival

April 23, 2010

Comics fandom is abuzz with the news that Archie Comics is introducing a new, openly gay character into the teen life in Riverdale.  He’s the dreamy Kevin Keller and he makes his debut this September in Veronica #202.  Apparently the spoiled little rich girl dumps Archie for the new man on campus – I’m guessing only to find he’s one of the 10% who honestly doesn’t have an answer to the decades-old “Betty or Veronica?” question.  And while this fanboy stopped reading Archie back when Carter was in the White House, I give kudos to the comics line for this positive move.  Although I am a bit miffed.  I mean, people act like this is a new development in the Archieverse!  Gay character?  A-hem!  What about Mr. Weatherbee?! 

Like you’ve never suspected!

Clap On! Clap Off!

April 22, 2010

I’ve just heard that April is STD Awareness Month!  So take a moment and look down.  If it’s festering or burning, consult a physician, okay?  Thanks.

Kickin’ It With The Big E!

April 22, 2010

Happy Earth Day! 

If you want to show the planet some love, we at THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE will be having our annual Earth Day Bonfire tonight at 8pm (EST)!  Looks to be a big one this year, so we’ve cut down a few redwoods to light up the night, which should make it pretty spectacular.  And, hey, since it is Earth Day and all, if you have any old batteries or broken thermometers or anything you can’t recycle like that, bring ’em along and we’ll toss them on the bonfire.  That should make for some pretty awesome fireworks, I think!

Earth Day: The one day of the year we can love Mother Nature like Oedipus did his mom!

Neko Des Ka?

April 20, 2010

Aaaaaahhhhhhh.  I honestly got no idea.  But it’s a cute kitty.  And he’s wearing a tie!  Adorable!