Archive for March, 2013

The PAAS That Refreshes

March 31, 2013

After you’ve search for dyed eggs and before you lapse into a sweet coma after one too many chocolate bunnies, take a moment to relax and savor the 50 MOST TERRIFYING EASTER BUNNY PHOTOS. Of course, who wouldn’t be scared to death of a giant, mutated six-foot lagomorph who could snap your neck as soon as look at you! And he will, mind you, he bloody well will! Don’t believe me? See for yourself…

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Diary of a Poké-Maniac

March 29, 2013

I just realized that the animated series Pokémon has been airing here in the states for going on its fifteenth year. (Yeah, even I’m a little scared I still keep track of stuff like this). So I thought I’d look back to a simpler time when my infatuation with this Japanese-cartoon-slash-toy-slash-trading-card-game was amped up to 11.

Witness, if you dare, my diary from November 12, 1999…

6:15am-Woke up early to head over to the Burger King across the street and grab a breakfast sandwich and a Pokémon toy. Picked up #76 (the Golem rev top) and circled around to get another one to resell later. I tried to go through a third time but they caught on and told me that I had reached my daily allowance of Poké-toys.
7:45am-Called in sick to work so that I could attend the first showing of the Pokémon
movie. Sleep for an hour.
9:30am-Sorted through my trading cards, picking out all the Magic: The Gathering ones. Thought I’d see if CardMania would buy them from me so that I could use the money to buy more Pokémon. (Should get a good trade-in value for them since I never played the game; just stuck them in plastic sleeves.)
10am-Dropped by CardMania but they weren’t open yet. I’m sorry to rant, but if the sign says “Open at 10” then, I’m sorry, you should open at 10am! Not 10:10, not 10:15: 10 o’clock!!! This may be a hobby to them but some of us have lives, thank you very much!
10:05am-Traded my Magic cards for two Basic edition booster packs (still no Charizard, dammit!) and a Psyduck beanie. I know the Magic cards were worth more, but who cares? I mean, those cards were just taking up space in my display notebooks.
10:30am-Went by the Burger King near the Wall-Mart this time. Managed to get through the drive-thru four times! I think they knew I was coming back more than once because the girl at the window looked at me funny, so I thought I’d cut my losses.
11:15am-Went by the Burger King over on Trenton. No new toys, blast it all!
11:40am-Stopped by McDonald’s for lunch.
Noon-Drove to the Plaza SuperPlex and bought a ticket for the 12:45 showing of “Pokémon: The First Movie.” They were giving away limited edition trading cards with each ticket purchase, so I got five more tickets (at children’s prices!) and managed to get three of the four cards. Thought I’d pick up four more tickets on my way out, so as not to arouse suspicion.
12:30-Yes, this is it! I am the first person in the theater!!!! I rule!!!
12:45-The place is about half full. I’m the only adult here without a kid. Man, the place looks like Chuck E. Cheese on Daycare world! Why do people think this is a KID’S movie? Anime is a serious art form in Japan! I’m serious, if these brats don’t shut up when the movie starts, I’m gonna get the manager. (Well, I would if I didn’t have to leave the theater and miss part of the movie!)
12:57-This sucks! Already, I’ve had to sit through four film promos (who cares if Tigger has a damn movie coming out?!), three ads and an anti-smoking PSA (like these philistines care!). Will they START the film already?!?!?!
12:59-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!!!! It’s starting!!!! I imagine this is what Oppenheimer felt like when he oversaw the Manhattan Project.
2:30-Wow. I can’t believe how GREAT that was! I pretend to go to the bathroom and hide in the far stall so that I can sneak into the next showing.
4:45-I stop by the mall where I pick up another trading card at the WB store (it’s a cross-promotion with the film). I also pick up a vibrating stuffed Pikachu.
Spencers has some Squirtle boxer shorts; I buy two pairs.
5:30-The food court has a Burger King! Hot damn!
6pm-Leave the mall and go to Best Buys where I get the soundtrack to the movie. Totally jazzed to find that it has a song by Christine Aguilera on it! I imagine her dressed up as Nurse Joy. Whoa.
6:30-The day shift at the Burger King has gone home, so I head back to the one across the street and pick up some more toys.
7:15-Back home, I check the VCR to see if it recorded today’s episode. It did, but I forgot to set the machine to record in SP, so I’ll have to get it another time. (And it was the episode where Jigglypuff first appears too! Grrr.)
8:00-I surf the web for any new Pokémon
action. I happen upon a home page devoted to fan fiction. It’s kind of on the racy side and I find a story that has Misty gettin’ nasty with a Marowak. It’s crap like this that ruins the WWW for the rest of us. It takes me five minutes to download the file.
9:45-I find a chat room where people are talking about the film. Pretty cool. I enter and chat for two hours. Jenny136 says that she thinks Ponyta is the best and everyone else flames her until she leaves. ha ha. Ponyta. How stupid is that?
1am-Set the VCR and go to bed. Imagine myself in the Pokémon
league in hopes that I dream about it. Then I think about Christine Aguilera as Nurse Joy. I drift off into a restful, sound sleep. Ah, pleasant dreams. [Entry ends.]

March 27, 2013 Trivia Rankings

March 27, 2013

Orally Fixated                                                                                                                      66

We’re On The Board                                                                                                          66

The Only Good Thing To Come Out of North Korea Are Their Threats                  66

I Cut Up Chimp Brains – What Did You Did Today?                                                   65

Jesus Had Two Dads And He Turned Out Fine                                                           64

My Sonic Screwdriver Is Bigger Than Yours                                                                63

The Easter Bunny Hasn’t Delivered Our Name Yet                                                    63

Fantastic Four Plus Guest                                                                                                62

Low Brow But High Class                                                                                                62

Jomato Take’s                                                                                                                   61

Abra Cadavers                                                                                                                   60

13                                                                                                                                          60

Things Fell Apart                                                                                                                60

The Misfits Have Arrived                                                                                                  58

Red, the Blood Of Angry Gays                                                                                        54

Just The Tip                                                                                                                        53

Mani Popey                                                                                                                        52

My Safe Word Is “Don’t Stop”                                                                                           50

My Bracket Is Busted                                                                                                        42

Desperately Waiting For The Rest Of My Team To Arrive                                         42

Four of Spades                                                                                                                   42

Nonpussed

March 27, 2013

I was in Blockbuster video the other night when I made a startling discovery.  No, not that people still go to Blockbuster in the age of Netflix; this was even more surprising.

As I perused the “family” section, looking for something to rent once I realized that Monkey Trouble was checked out, I noticed a film that seemed too preposterous to exist.  It was a movie that I felt should not … could not exist.  Yet it did – and there it sat between The Princess Bride and Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown.

Puss In Boots. Starring Christopher Walken.

You heard me.  The classic children’s story, the venerable fairy tale, Puss In Boots, with the lead footwear-clad feline played by the driver who freaked out Woody Allen in Annie Hall – the vet who played Russian Roulette in The Deer Hunter – the freak who hid a watch in a very unsanitary location in Pulp Fiction!  This seemed like either the craziest idea ever to hit Hollywood or – nope, no other option.  Pure insanity.

Nonetheless, the movie is out there, lurking on video store shelves, probably cropping up on TV when you least expect it.  For the imdb entry on it, click HERE.  For a YouTube clip, click HERE.  But trust me: once you know the truth about Christopher Walken’s Puss In Boots, you’ll never be the same again.

I mean, c’mon, let’s be real.  You know the only reason this festering pile of celluloid got greenlit was because someone in some studio promotions department thought that the headline “These Boots Were Made For Walken” would look good on the front of Variety!

Let There Be Lips!

March 25, 2013

It’s Richard O’Brien’s birthday and long before he became Phineas and Ferb’s dad (it’s true – look it up) he put together something called the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

So let’s celebrate with a little Science Fiction Double Feature

Iced Justice

March 23, 2013

Sometimes I like to cover a brick with cake frosting and leave it in a Tupperware container in the communal fridge at work. I always put a big note on it saying it belongs to a fake name, like Brad Millinbobble or something, nobody who really works there. Still, I know human nature being what it is people will try to cut a slice for themselves. Heh heh heh. 

I usually spot about three or four bent knives in the trash by the end of the day.

Broadcast Nuisance

March 21, 2013

I think the people who call into radio shows and then repeat the same information the on-air personality used to introduce them should be fined heavily by the FCC. “Donnie from Glenville, you’re on the air.” “Hi, this is Donnie from Glenville…” Nope, they just said that. You’re wasting precious air time. Here’s a hefty fine for $10,000 and a 3-year ban from calling into the radio. But they must be nervous calling into a radio show, you cry. So what? Don’t call in then. Leave it to those of us who aren’t intimated by simply talking to another person on the bloody phone! Big dogs, porches and all that. Bottom line: It’s annoying, it needs to stop and, if you keep it up, the ghost of Guglielmo Marconi will visit you in the night and shove a ham radio up your ass!

Six of One

March 20, 2013

Always remember. Never forget. He will dance on all haters’ graves!

Seriously. I love this dude.

Armed To The Wind-Up Chattering Teeth

March 19, 2013

“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” — Mark Twain

Yet somehow, if war breaks out in the Middle East, I don’t picture Rip Taylor on the front lines.

Pluck O’ The Irish

March 17, 2013

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Are you wearing green? Drinking excessively? Does it really matter?

Since most Americans’ knowledge of Irish history and culture comes from a Lucky Charms commercial, I thought it might be an apt time to examine the real reasons behind the celebratory revels.

So here are 10 things you didn’t know about Saint Pat, Irish history and culture!

1. Saint Patrick was probably born in Roman Britain, about AD 385. He was originally called Maewyn, a name that, even in that historic era, no doubt got his butt kicked at recess more often than not.

2. Saint Patrick did not in actuality drive the snakes out of Ireland. He merely offered them a lift when their car broke down and only drove them down the road to the nearest pub.

3. The shamrock is the traditional icon of Saint Patrick’s Day, replacing the passed-out Leprechaun in popularity because it was too hard to face paint.

4. The Blarney Stone is a bluestone built into battlements of Blarney Castle (near Cork). According to legends, kissing the stone endows one with the gift of gab. The Blarney Stone is not to be confused with the Barney Stone, which was once passed by a large, singing, purple dinosaur.

5. Erin Go Bragh is an Irish phrase meaning “I can’t believe the Yanks are buying this green beer crap!”

6. If anyone ever invites you to “kiss his shillelagh,” you should run. Run away fast.

7. The limerick is a poetic form, with a rhyme scheme of A-A-B-B-A, named after the town of Limerick. (Although many people erroneously believe the five-lined verse started in the town of Nantucket.)

8. One of Ireland’s most famous sons is the writer James Joyce, best known for his landmark novel, Ulysses. Ulysses is a massive novel: 250,000 words in total from a vocabulary of 30,000 words, with most editions weighing in at between 644 and 1000 pages, and divided into 18 chapters, or ‘episodes’ as they are referred to in most scholarly circles. Yeah, Joyce didn’t date a lot.

9. 34 million Americans can trace their ancestry back to Ireland. At any given moment, about 6 million of them are sober.

10. The best time of year to visit the Emerald Isle is the Irish spring. Manly, yes, but I like it too.