|What About Bob?||73|
|Coming in 2030 – Fullest House||66|
|Jenner Reassignment Surgery||65|
|Happy Birthday (Week) Janelle||64|
|We Stole This Team Name||61|
|The Fighting Quakers||60|
|Avendors – Age of Gladys||60|
|All Hart. No Hansen.||59|
|Bumblebee Tuna -100% Human(e)||58|
|The Dude Abides||52|
|Don’t Give Up On Your Dreams – Keep Sleeping||49|
|That Was Great … Until the Very End||49|
|Wanna Hear a Joke About Pizza? It’s Too Cheesey||49|
|Lost in Anger Translation||48|
|We Didn’t Start the Fire||48|
|The Guys Across the Room Are Cheating Jerks||46|
|Too Hungry To Think Up A Team Name||45|
|No Fans In The Stands 😦||44|
Archive for April, 2015
Five Women from Commercials I’ve Fantasized About
The T-Mobile hottie in the pink and white sun dress
Debbie from Sprint
That Palm Pre girl who looked like a Precog from The Minority Report
The smug Wendy’s redhead
Five Times You Really Need A Spoon
When you’re eating soup
When you’re eating breakfast cereal
When you’re measuring small amounts for a recipe
When you’re the Tick shouting your battle cry
When you’re an eloping dish in a nursery rhyme
Five Cutesy Brew Pub Names
The Twisted Cistern
Pop on Hops
Drag Me To Ale
Five Slang Terms for Twins
Thing One & Thing Two
The Devil’s Mirror
Five Signs the Kool-Aid Man Is Stalking You
The cherry stains in your driveway
Your new mailman looks exactly like the Kool-Aid Man – but with a giant fake moustache
You can’t get the smell of grape out of your upholstery
In the past six months, you’ve spent 500 grand repairing unexplained holes in your walls
Whenever you and your wife have sex, you hear a muted “Oh yeah” coming from the closet
“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” – James Lane Allen
And yet, surprisingly, I never find myself in Heather Graham’s shower.
|NONE OF US ARE THE FATHER||86|
|JOAN JETT OR CHER – WHO’S OLDER?||66|
|JAMEIS WINSTON GAVE ME CRABS (LEGS)||61|
|CHEWIE, WE’RE HOME IN TIME FOR LIFE DAY||60|
|LET ME SEE YOUR EARTH DAY SUIT||58|
|YOU CAN’T RECALL OUR LOVE FOR BLUEBELL||57|
|HE GOT PERMISSION TO COME||56|
|VOTE TOMATO JAKE’S BEST LOCAL BAR||54|
|PETE AND REPEAT||54|
|I THOUGHT THIS WAS SPEED DATING||54|
|3RD ROCK DAY||52|
|WE ARE LAST CALL||49|
|KEEP EARTH CLEAN – IT’S NOT URANUS||49|
|DO YOU BLEED… NO, BUT YOUR PARENTS DID||49|
|THE MISEDUCATION OF BENNY HILL||47|
|EARTH DAY EVERYDAY||46|
|THE PECAN SANDIES||45|
|STARTED AT THE BOTTOM, NOW WE’RE MEH||40|
|SHAKE IT LIKE A SALT SHAKER||42|
|HAPPY EARTH DAY||34|
The week of April 20th through the 24th has been designated as Earth Week, a time set aside to honor our Mother Earth through conservation, education and environmental awareness. And so, THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE sat down with the planet of the hour … the Third Rock From The Sun, the Big Blue Marble, Terra, our world, home … Earth. Here are some excerpts from the interview.
TFR: Scientists believe that you are around four and a half billion years old. Can you reveal your actual age?
EARTH: Six thousand. Don’t you read the Bible?
TFR: Uh, I don’t … I mean, that doesn’t …
EARTH: Ah, just yanking you! I think those religious nutjobs are hilarious. No, really, I’m 4 billion, 542 million, 238 thousand, and nine years old, as of today.
TFR: So Earth Day is your birthday?
EARTH: Well, it’s the day I celebrate. I was adopted. (more…)
Who: The guy who accompanies his car’s turn signal with hand signals.
Why: It’s unnecessary, it’s pointless and it’s distracting. When I’m driving, I take note of a car’s turn signal with an almost perfunctory sense. The last thing I need is some hipster sticking his hand out and making some sort of – what the hell is that? Gang signs? It takes my eyes off the road and breaks my concentration and all because some doofus is either being extremely overcautious or ridiculously retro.
How I justify it: It’s not 1915 and you’re not driving a Model T, tooltime! Signal like the freakin’ owner’s manual tell you to.
Five Douche-tastic Animals
Lobster from the Jersey Shore
A dog that does crossfit
Five Candy Musicals
Hershey Kiss Me Kate
5th Avenue Q
The Goodbar Girl
Bring in ‘da Noise, Bring in ‘da Chunky
The Drowsy Toblerone
Five Muppet Tax Deductions
Felt repair and maintenance
Ping pong balls (under vision care)
Chicken lube (Gonzo only)
Five Frozen Yogurt Toppings In Hell
The tears of the damned
None. There’s no frozen yogurt. It’s hell, dude.
Five Reasons To Hate Your Cable Company
Your monthly bill costs more than your car payment.
Installation tech does doughnuts on your lawn.
Your wife moans “Comcast” in her sleep.
Their on hold music is Nickelback.
Your name is Brad and the newest channel on their lineup is the Brad Sucks Channel.
|Spending Refund At Tomato Jake’s||71|
|Life In Prison. So Much For A Tight End||70|
|Something Something Game Of Thrones||57|
|Spring Showers Bring Trivia Glowers||56|
|The Justise League||54|
|Yer A Quizard, Harry!||51|
|If The Glove Doen’t Fit… Aaron Hernandez Shot First||50|
|Me For Pres! Stop Hilly! Send $$$$!||49|
|There’s Nothing Funny About Taxes||47|
|Hernandez For Life||44|
|Great Barrier Queef||41|
|Better Late Than Pregnant||30|
The Zaxby’s Birthday Cake Milkshake is back. It’s a nauseating mix of birthday cake and ice cream, complete with sprinkles and frosting and, I suspect a puréed candle or two. Yep, it’s back and completely turning me off milkshakes, desserts and even birthdays. (I’d say it’s turning me off Zaxby’s but their penchant for using that Duck Dynasty dude in commercials already did that.) (more…)
I’m still not entirely sure what the product is but the commercial has a pigeon dancing to ska in it so I’m sold. Get down!