Archive for April, 2015

29 April 2015 Wednesday Night Trivia Standings

April 29, 2015
What About Bob? 73
Coming in 2030 – Fullest House 66
Jenner Reassignment Surgery 65
Happy Birthday (Week) Janelle 64
We Stole This Team Name 61
The Fighting Quakers 60
Avendors – Age of Gladys 60
All Hart. No Hansen. 59
Bumblebee Tuna -100% Human(e) 58
The Dude Abides 52
Don’t Give Up On Your Dreams – Keep Sleeping 49
That Was Great … Until the Very End 49
Wanna Hear a Joke About Pizza? It’s Too Cheesey 49
Lost in Anger Translation 48
We Didn’t Start the Fire 48
The Guys Across the Room Are Cheating Jerks 46
Too Hungry To Think Up A Team Name 45
No Fans In The Stands 😦 44
Prestige Worldwide 40
#HMU4ATBHGLEN 40
The Sandlot 36
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FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 28, 2015

Five Women from Commercials I’ve Fantasized About

The T-Mobile hottie in the pink and white sun dress

Debbie from Sprint

That Palm Pre girl who looked like a Precog from The Minority Report

The smug Wendy’s redhead

Erin Esurance

 

Five Times You Really Need A Spoon

When you’re eating soup

When you’re eating breakfast cereal

When you’re measuring small amounts for a recipe

When you’re the Tick shouting your battle cry

When you’re an eloping dish in a nursery rhyme

 

Five Cutesy Brew Pub Names

The Twisted Cistern

Brewed Awakening

Pop on Hops

Lager Rhythm

Drag Me To Ale

 

Five Slang Terms for Twins

Double Vision

Thing One & Thing Two

Ditto DNA

Akin Kin

The Devil’s Mirror

 

Five Signs the Kool-Aid Man Is Stalking You

The cherry stains in your driveway

Your new mailman looks exactly like the Kool-Aid Man – but with a giant fake moustache

You can’t get the smell of grape out of your upholstery

In the past six months, you’ve spent 500 grand repairing unexplained holes in your walls

Whenever you and your wife have sex, you hear a muted “Oh yeah” coming from the closet

Thoughtful

April 24, 2015

“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” – James Lane Allen

And yet, surprisingly, I never find myself in Heather Graham’s shower.

22 April 2015 Wednesday Night Trivia Standings

April 22, 2015
NONE OF US ARE THE FATHER 86
JOAN JETT OR CHER – WHO’S OLDER? 66
JAMEIS WINSTON GAVE ME CRABS (LEGS) 61
DIARRHEA BUBBLEBATH 61
CHEWIE, WE’RE HOME IN TIME FOR LIFE DAY 60
LET ME SEE YOUR EARTH DAY SUIT 58
#ADMIRALACKBARCHALLENGE 58
YOU CAN’T RECALL OUR LOVE FOR BLUEBELL 57
HE GOT PERMISSION TO COME 56
VOTE TOMATO JAKE’S BEST LOCAL BAR 54
PETE AND REPEAT 54
I THOUGHT THIS WAS SPEED DATING 54
3RD ROCK DAY 52
WE ARE LAST CALL 49
KEEP EARTH CLEAN – IT’S NOT URANUS 49
DO YOU BLEED… NO, BUT YOUR PARENTS DID 49
THE MISEDUCATION OF BENNY HILL 47
EARTH DAY EVERYDAY 46
THE PECAN SANDIES 45
FAMILY MATTERS 45
STARTED AT THE BOTTOM, NOW WE’RE MEH 40
SHAKE IT LIKE A SALT SHAKER 42
HAPPY EARTH DAY 34

EARTH DAY INTERVIEW

April 22, 2015

The week of April 20th through the 24th has been designated as Earth Week, a time set aside to honor our Mother Earth through conservation, education and environmental awareness. And so, THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE sat down with the planet of the hour … the Third Rock From The Sun, the Big Blue Marble, Terra, our world, home … Earth. Here are some excerpts from the interview.

TFR: Scientists believe that you are around four and a half billion years old. Can you reveal your actual age?

EARTH: Six thousand. Don’t you read the Bible?

TFR: Uh, I don’t … I mean, that doesn’t …

EARTH: Ah, just yanking you! I think those religious nutjobs are hilarious. No, really, I’m 4 billion, 542 million, 238 thousand, and nine years old, as of today.

TFR: So Earth Day is your birthday?

EARTH: Well, it’s the day I celebrate. I was adopted. (more…)

People I Hate #289 (In A Series)

April 19, 2015

Who: The guy who accompanies his car’s turn signal with hand signals.

Why: It’s unnecessary, it’s pointless and it’s distracting. When I’m driving, I take note of a car’s turn signal with an almost perfunctory sense. The last thing I need is some hipster sticking his hand out and making some sort of – what the hell is that? Gang signs? It takes my eyes off the road and breaks my concentration and all because some doofus is either being extremely overcautious or ridiculously retro.

How I justify it: It’s not 1915 and you’re not driving a Model T, tooltime! Signal like the freakin’ owner’s manual tell you to.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 15, 2015

Five Douche-tastic Animals

Alpaca

Galápagos tortoise

Grolar bear

Lobster from the Jersey Shore

A dog that does crossfit

 

Five Candy Musicals

Hershey Kiss Me Kate

5th Avenue Q

The Goodbar Girl

Bring in ‘da Noise, Bring in ‘da Chunky

The Drowsy Toblerone

 

Five Muppet Tax Deductions

Felt repair and maintenance

Ping pong balls (under vision care)

Dry cleaning

Cookies

Chicken lube (Gonzo only)

 

Five Frozen Yogurt Toppings In Hell

Razor blades

Molten lava

Your nuts

The tears of the damned

None. There’s no frozen yogurt. It’s hell, dude.

 

Five Reasons To Hate Your Cable Company

Your monthly bill costs more than your car payment.

Installation tech does doughnuts on your lawn.

Your wife moans “Comcast” in her sleep.

Their on hold music is Nickelback.

Your name is Brad and the newest channel on their lineup is the Brad Sucks Channel.

 

15 April 2015 Wednesday Night Trivia Standings

April 15, 2015
Spending Refund At Tomato Jake’s 71
Life In Prison. So Much For A Tight End 70
Bewbz 61
Hoof Arted 58
Something Something Game Of Thrones 57
Spring Showers Bring Trivia Glowers 56
The Justise League 54
Yer A Quizard, Harry! 51
If The Glove Doen’t Fit… Aaron Hernandez Shot First 50
Me For Pres! Stop Hilly! Send $$$$! 49
There’s Nothing Funny About Taxes 47
Hernandez For Life 44
Great Barrier Queef 41
Better Late Than Pregnant 30

Cake Mixed Feelings

April 11, 2015

birthdaycakemilkshake

The Zaxby’s Birthday Cake Milkshake is back. It’s a nauseating mix of birthday cake and ice cream, complete with sprinkles and frosting and, I suspect a puréed candle or two. Yep, it’s back and completely turning me off milkshakes, desserts and even birthdays. (I’d say it’s turning me off Zaxby’s but their penchant for using that Duck Dynasty dude in commercials already did that.) (more…)

Shake Ya Tailfeather

April 9, 2015

I’m still not entirely sure what the product is but the commercial has a pigeon dancing to ska in it so I’m sold. Get down!