Archive for January, 2020

The Horror Begins…

January 31, 2020

On claims that the superstar groundhog is being mistreated, PETA wants Punxsutawney Phil to be replaced by an animatronic replica.

Anyone who watches sci fi knows this is a bad idea. Sure, the first gen is a friendly, cute faux woodchuck that the kids can pet and it isn’t spooked by all the attention. But the second gen comes with a few new upgrades for its own protection, maybe a steel wool fur to prevent unnecessary hands-on contact. Next thing you know, the mechanical bastards are ten feet tall and are equipped with lasers and a prehensile battle-tail and they can self-replicate!

That’s the future, folks. Fear it or embrace it. I, for one, welcome our new robot groundhog overlords and look forward to years of service in the alfalfa mines.


Trivia Rankings: 29 January 2020

January 30, 2020

Another fantastic week with a very close and some great teams that came out to vie for the top spot. Thanks to all who made it (and the rest of you – please come out soon ‘cuz we miss you).

This week, we listened to some dead musicians, drank dairy on the Senate floor and enjoyed some of nature’s most perfect food (tater tots). Plus, there were these three knuckleheads …

Now, let’s see how all the teams stacked this week. As I said, a very close game, Quizlings!

Give Sparky A Raise! 71
Contagion 2: Corona Boogaloo 70
Everybody Ready For The Superb Owl? 70
The Super Bowl Has To Buy Only One Set Of Confetti This Year 70
Corona Virus With Lime 68
Abominable Doughman 66
28 Hours Til Payday 65
The Brexit Is Coming! The Brexit Is Coming! 64
I Wish It Was Warm Outside So I Could Bring My Dog To Trivia 61
30-50 Feral Hogs 59
Guess Who’s Back … Back Again 59
Sit With Us 50
Death By Chocolate Cookies 50
Bolton’s Big Book 48
Nope! We Don’t Want That Corona 47

Rat (Master) Race?

January 27, 2020

I stumbled upon this opening to the old Pinky and the Brain animated series on YouTube. Bonus: it’s in German! That means the heretofore innocuous and inept rodential duo with grandiose dreams now suddenly take on a much more sinister sheen. I mean, in English, Pinky and the Brain are funny, maladjusted lab rats. But, auf Deutsch, you get the impression these two are just a goosestep or two away from actually taking over the world! Damn it, man, these tiny Teutonic terrors mean business!

People I Hate (#53 in a series)

January 26, 2020

Who: The picky kid who makes a “suicide.”

Why I Hate: He stands there at the soda fountain, spying all the possible options – caffeine-free, diet, off brand, raspberry, ginger ale – and wondering exactly what to put in his “suicide” mixture. He starts off, maybe, with a little Coca-Cola and then adds some Orange drink like Fanta or Sunkist. But what next? His tiny mind is reeling with possibilities, so he takes a stab at some other cola. Nope, false start. How about Coke Zero? Wait – isn’t that diet? Oh, yeah … Dr. Pepper! That rules. A little of that definitely.

And so it goes, on and on, a 32 ounce cup filled 3 ounces at a time with healthy pauses in between while he utilizes his still-developing cerebellum to make a bloody decision. And he thinks this ridiculous concoction (which he believes he’s the first person to discover) has a magic formula that if he can somehow just happen upon by trial and error his taste buds will achieve soda nirvana. But he’s mistaken. Normally, a soda “suicide” tastes like ass; at best, some crappy store brand. So what’s the point of making one besides silly childhood experimentation that could easily be accomplished by simply hitting each soda in turn, an act that takes 15 seconds tops!

How I Justify It: His indecision might be cute and adorable if he weren’t taking an unnecessarily long time to do a relatively simple task in a busy convenience store or restaurant, while the entire time I’M STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM WAITING MY TURN!!!! Move it along, you little snot. It’s only soda!

Trivia Rankings: 22 January 2020

January 23, 2020

Quizlings continue to impress! 22 teams, over half of which scored 60 or above. Mighty nice, people.

Thanks to all who braved the cold (two teams who really braved the cold) to show up and play our brand of triviawesomeness. We’ll do it again next week. (And do note: I have more Girl Scout Cookies to give out as prizes.)

This week, we celebrated the animals of Down Under, remembered some big hits of the last decade and found out what exactly she did indeed say. Plus, apropos of nothing …

Now check out these scores. How’d your lot do?

Can I Get A Witness? 69
These Are Not the Witnesses You’re Looking For 69
Gritty Punched Me 69 (over 8 players)
Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition 68
Cowboy’s Irish Sunset 67
We’re Not Dead Yet 65
I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy 65
This Is Steve’s First Time, Please Be Gentle 64
The Night Iguanas Fell Out Of Trees 63
Mitch McConnell’s Flying Circus 62
The Impeachment Is Low-Hanging Fruit 61
G S Cookies Cure Death By Chocolate 61
The Pub Meds 60
Average Joes 56
9 Days Til Payday 55
Hypothermia 54
Fruits and Vegetables 53
Quizlamic State 52
Hello, Hump Day 52
Wish It Were Warmer 50
Gordo’s Crew 38
Lincoln Legends 27

F Stop

January 20, 2020

When I was younger, I used to think that “dropping the F bomb” meant passing gas. Sounds reasonable, right? My naiveté can be forgiven. Except for at that final dress rehearsal for the senior production when that guy in the chorus said, “I wish we could drop the F bomb in this thing” and student director me told him that I didn’t think it would be a problem as long as no one could tell where it was coming from. Years later, I can almost forget the suspensions and the uproar and the inevitable school board investigation and just say with some pride that the crowd scenes of that amateur production of Oklahoma remain some of the most lively and unforgettable to date.



January 18, 2020


Five Irrational Fears

Fear that the mirror guy is stalking you

Fear the color mauve will kill you while you sleep

Fear that if you smelt it you really have dealt it

Fear of denim based life forms

Fear of air quotes


Five Waiting Room Mistakes

Not checking in

Sitting next to a coughing kid

Reading a 3-year-old US News & World Report

Making eye contact with anyone

Assuming the staff actually gives a damn


Five Band Names That Could Be Diseases

Naked Eyes

The dB’s





Five Game Shows In Hell

Wheel of Misfortune

Card Sharks With Actual Sharks

Match Game BM

Win Ben Stein’s Kidney

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?


Five Signs You’re Dating A Doctor Who Fan

He doesn’t call you his girlfriend but his companion

He lists UNIT as a reference on his resume

Draws an extra heart on all his Valentine’s Day cards

His fashion sense relies heavily on scarves, brollies, fezzes and bowties

During sex, he screams, “It’s bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!”


Trivia Rankings: 15 January 2020

January 16, 2020

You Quizlings continue to impress me with your high scores and all. Seriously. Another week where 75% of the scores are 60 points or higher. I refuse to intentionally make the questions harder overall but I may have to be a little choosier in the coming weeks just to keep you on your toes.

This week, we listened to some kissable music, messed with Sasquatch and lit up a New Jersey street. Plus there was this viral moment of the week…

Now check out the scores. Again. Very nice. I’m like a proud papa.

What Do You Mean “Cats” Didn’t Get Nominated? 70
Cookie Monster’s LLC 68
My Meatballs Bring All The Boys To the Yard 68
#OscarsSoYChromosome 67
Mad Online 67
Not The Jeopardy! GOAT 66
E.R.A. Virgin-i-a, Yay 66
Happy Birthday, Dr. King 65
Houston Asterisks 64
I Am Sparkytus 62
Neil Peart’s Closer To The Heart 62
Second Hand Mayonnaise 61
Freedom Avengers 60
Royals, Eh? 60
Some Kind Of Magical Disgusting Horses 57
USA, Baby! 47
No Malarkey! 43
Gordo’s Crew 40

Just Say Neigh

January 13, 2020

Just woke up with a charley horse. Son of a bitch, that was one painful cramp. I hate those things, honestly I do. I much rather wake up with a real horse than a charley horse. Not that I’ve ever woken up with a horse. Or even gone to bed with a horse. No, no, let me state unequivocally that I am not advocating sleeping with horses, even in a platonic manner. This is not what this is about. Damn. Kinda feel like I’ve gotten off topic here. I just wanted to commiserate over a common nighttime problem with a great big screw horses, ya know? Oh crap – charley horses! Screw CHARLEY horses! I’m not – I didn’t mean … I mean, I wouldn’t and I NEVER – even on a dare (and I spent a summer at a dude ranch once). No. No. No. No. Absolutely bloody NO.

Oh crap, I hope I don’t end up on some special PETA watch list because of this.

Super Cool

January 10, 2020

I was lingering around the dairy aisle in some supermarket a while back. It’s not something I’m wont to do but I was bored and had some time to kill.

Anyway, I started looking at the ice cream, noting the various brands and flavors and such. Ben & Jerry’s, Healthy Choice, Sealtest. And then I saw an off-brand of frozen confection that looked somewhat interesting. I dunno, the packaging just seemed unique. My eyes landed on one container in particular. It was made by Valley Rich or some such off brand (and I mean “off” brand in the same sense a Peoria stage production is “off” Broadway). I read it once. Twice. Three times. I couldn’t believe that I was reading it right. It just seemed so odd and out of place.

Superman flavored ice cream. (more…)