Archive for September, 2010

THE HOT TEN

September 30, 2010

What’s on my mind?  What have I been watching?  What have I been doing?  What have I been talking about?  The Hot Ten will bring you up to speed.

MONKEY SECURITY GUARDS.  The coolest thing ever! Get up and guard like apes!

FISHER PRICE RECALLWow. With Chinese recalls and now THIS, you might as well just give your kid a lead bar to suck on.

STAPLES AD WORST IN AMERICA.  Nationwide’s World’s Greatest Spokesperson in the World feels slighted.

HOTEL DEATH RAY IN VEGAS.  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Or else.

BULLIES THROW PEANUTS AT ALLERGIC KIDS.  They pelted us with legumes and goobers!  Unh.  Get … the … epi …. pen ….

NORTHERN LIGHTS HIT 100 YEAR LOW.  Damn. The economy‘s affecting everything!

KIDS WITH ADHD MORE LIKELY TO HAVE MISSING DNA.  The DNA’s all, like, Hey, the cell’s dividing, I’d better replicate and – oh, there’s a Zaxby’s. What was the name of Bill Murray’s character in “Caddyshack?” I think I need to get gas for the car. Did I call mom last night?  Corn is a funny-sounding word. Corn. Corn. Oooh, that protein strand looks like a bear!

DOMINO’S BREAKFAST PIZZA.  If you vomit in 30 minutes or less, it’s free.

STAR WARS GOING 3D.  Plans to re-release the movies in cinemas with 3D effects are underway.  Why?  Logistically, it’s just more efficient than George Lucas going door-to-door to personally piss on your childhood memories.

BEDBUGS STRIKE HOWARD STERN STUDIO.  Thought the little bastards would leave him alone – if only out of a professional courtesy.

Sparky MacMillan was born in the wagon of a travellin’ show.

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Party Por Favor

September 28, 2010

I better get my cootie shot. I got this boy-girl birthday party I’m going to in Mike Dinkelberger’s rec room on Saturday and I’m a little worried ‘cuz he said we’re gonna play party games. Whatever! I am just so not slow dancing!

“We all have our little faults. Mine’s in California.”

September 27, 2010

I just read that Lindsay Lohan spent less than a day in jail this time.  Less than a day.  She’s in, then she’s out.  She’s jailed, then she’s free.  It’s like no prison can hold her.  It’s like she’s … she’s … Lex Luthor!  Every time Superman caught him and put him in jail, he’d break out until the Man of Steel caught him again and put him right back in!  Heck, she’s even got the same initials!  Coincidence?  Well, probably.  But don’t say I didn’t warn you if she starts shaving her head and ranting asomething about “beachfront property!”

Blast from the Pasta

September 26, 2010

I was about 11 when I ate some Cannelloni at this kid’s birthday party. His mother came into the kitchen and screamed at me that it was their dinner and I should stay out of her refrigerator. I’m sorry, I said, that orange sherbet and sheetcake you got going on in the den just ain’t doin’ it for me, lady.  Yeah, I was a rebel like that, even back then.

Next, Please

September 25, 2010

Why are we still talking about it?  Who the hell cares?  I was bored with them before they started sucking up all that unnecessary media time.

Basically, here’s ten people, places and things I’m completely sick of…

Joaquin Phoenix

Bedbugs

New American Idol judges

Blockbuster Video

New dinosaur species

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Facebook

Wayward hikers

French pension reform protests

“Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps” (includes Gordon Gecko, Michael Douglas, Shia Lebouf and everyone associated with this blasted project, except for the lovely Carey Mulligan, who can do no wrong)

Yes, please, I’ve had up to here with the whole lot of you.  Please deposit your 15 minutes at the same door you should not let you hit you on the ass as you leave through it.

de lusional

September 24, 2010

I just read that actress Portia de Rossi has officially taken the last name of her wife, Ellen DeGeneres.  That means she will legally be known as Portia Lee James DeGeneres.

The Australian-born actress started dating Ellen in 2004, came out shortly thereafter, and the couple married in 2008 during the 5-month window that gay marriage was legal in California.

Y’see, I know this.  I know ALL this.  And yet, being the idiot horny guy that I am, such a ridiculous slave to my hormones, I think that – should just the right planetary and astrological forces align – I actually still could have a shot here. 

I Got A Song

September 23, 2010

And in honor of the late Ray Charles’ birthday, I share that song.  (Bonus that it’s a sweet Sesame Street jam with Bert and Ernie!)

Beyond the Fringe

September 22, 2010

As polished a representative for the Tea Party as she may be, everyone needs to acknowledge one thing: Christine O’Donnell is just barely one step above THIS GUY.

¡Las Llamas Son Más Grandes Que Ranas!

September 21, 2010

Spirited Away

September 21, 2010

When I was a kid, some friends thought it would be cool to try and contact the spirit world.  But instead of a Ouija board, all we could find was a Weezie board.  The only spirit we could contact kept telling us that we would be moving on up … moving on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky

It was still pretty damn scary, I gotta tell you.