FIVE RANDOM FIVE

Five Things I Tried To Deduct On My Taxes

Mileage for community service

Tickets to Hello Kitty Con

Seminar on selling Beanie Babies for maximum profit

Cost of failed Genioplasty

Membership in the Jodie Sweetin fan club

 

Five Snowman Pickup Lines

Let’s have some fun before I melt away.

You know what they say – “Big carrot… ”

Hi, I’m Olaf and I like warm hugs.

You have the prettiest coal I’ve ever seen.

Snowjob?

 

Five Cereal Mascot Crimes

Toucan Sam – Cocaine possession

The Trix Rabbit – Child endangerment

Alfie, Carlyle, Dave, Brunhilde and Seadog (S. S. Guppy Crew) – Mutiny

Count Chocula – Indecent Exposure

Tony the Tiger – Grrrrrrrrand Theft Auto

 

Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words

Ask

Cunning

Cockleshell

Shrimp Scampy

Fuqua School of Business

 

Five Things James Bond Would Never Say

Hit. You sunk my battleship!

That’s one purdy mule.

One adult for Spongebob: Sponge Out Of Water, please.

Dude, that Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger® from Carls’s Jr. is really making my colon gnarly!

This has never happened to me before. Can we can just cuddle?

Gumby, Dammit

I was watching Gumby on the Cartoon Network a while back and I saw something that, to be honest, shocked me.

Gumby’s sister needed to take a bath. So she went and got in the tub as she was. See, she didn’t take off her clothes because she wasn’t wearing any. She just hopped right on in.

Which means: she never wears clothes. None of them do. All of the Gumby family walk around totally starkers! Naked! Nude! Just as their God molded them, their clay bodies exposed for all the world to see.

Not that Gumby, Pokey or any of their pals are, shall we say, anatomically-correct, shamelessly displaying clay privates with the audacity of a drunken coed on one of those spring break videos. No, these earthen amigos are as smooth and nondescript as a Ken doll, even less so.

But there’s a principle here. Why call attention to the Gumby clan’s nakedness by depicting the sister in a bathtub, even if it was an integral part of the story? Pure prurient interest, if you ask me! Pure lewdness! Pure insatiable lust!

Damn, that Art Clokey was one sick, horny SOB.

lettin’ it all hang out

People I Hate #19 (In A Series)

Who: The guy at the convenience store who thinks it’s funny to say “A hundred and eighty-five dollars!” when it’s really only one dollar and eighty-five cents.

Why: It’s not funny. Not even remotely. Yet he thinks it’s freakin’ hilarious. Otherwise why would he risk fraud charges by giving me, a complete stranger, false information regarding the purchase price? Plus he’s not just one guy but multiple humor-impaired yokels who work cash registers at a myriad of 7-11 type stores across the land – not because it was a career choice and he thought it best to eschew his astronomy degree for a life in a sub par customer service field dispensing gasoline, alcohol and lottery tickets to the unwashed but because his high school guidance counselor made it quite clear that his future involved either smocks, hairnets and grease or panhandling and he chooses to deal with the utter ennui, desperation and futility with what he erroneously perceives to be a clever joke.

How I justify it: Hate is easier than contempt. (I’m not proud; just honest.)

Can’t Weather All Get Along?

Based on the weather in my area, I’ve heard the term “black ice” more times than I care to count in the last 48 hours. As such, I can never hear it without recalling this Key & Peele sketch…

February 18 Trivia Rankings

I HEAR THERE’S A BASKETBALL GAME TONIGHT	67
JUST THE TWO OF US	65
BARE-HANDED BUTTERCUP	64
HEIST HEIST BABY	62
HORACE THE LITTLE MYSTERY PIG MAKES ROUND POOPS	59
HALF OUR TEAM’S MISSING BUT WE STILL GOT THIS	58
SAVANNAH’S MINIONS	48
THE BLUE DIAMONDS	45
THE PERFECTLY GOOD TUMMIES	45

People I Hate #6 (In A Series)

Who: Those guys who spin signs on the side of the road 

Why I Hate: They act so bad-ass, like this amazing talent sprung unbidden from their motor reflexes during some moment of inner stength or self-actualization and now they feel the call to display their art, pure and instinctual, for all to see. They toss, they rotate, they spin – and they delude themselves into believing they aren’t just a hot dog costume away from handing out coupons at intersections.

How I justify it: Because hating telemarketers is so 1998.

Sparky MacMillan don't need a permit to own a monkey.

Make Me An Offer

“Accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love.” – Wally Lamb

What if I’m lactose intolerant?  What if he’s really fugly and sweaty?

100 THINGS I HATE ABOUT VALENTINE’S DAY

Well, it’s that time of year again. The time when everyone and his dog Tyge is encouraged [1] to pick up a sappy card [2], some nasty candy [3] or ridiculous stuffed animal [4] in hopes of pleasing his or her particular Valentine [5].

Sure, it’s never been my favorite holiday [6] (that honor goes to Halloween) and I never really could take a day devoted to romance [7] with the initials V.D. [8] very seriously. And I guess I, of all people, have the utmost reason for despising said date since my first wife left me on Valentine’s Day [9]. Yeah, I know – it’s the stuff that romantic comedies [10] are made of but a blasted dagger in the backside when it comes to actual real-life experience [11].

That’s why I feel the need to buck tradition [12] and hand out to you, me hearties, an ambitious little tome called 100 THINGS I HATE ABOUT VALENTINE’S DAY.

Trivia Rankings: 11 February 2015

Does Dean Smith Know He’s Dead?	72
Brian Williams Reports 50 Shades Of Left Shark	67
Don’t Throw The Baby Out With Bobby Kristina’s Bathwater	65
Kanye…What The Beck?!?	65
Misremember The Alamo	64
For The Team Name	62
Sky’s Out, Thigh’s Out	61
Fushia Falcon	60
I Put The STD In Stud, All I Need Is U	60
I Thought This Was Speed Dating	59
Jon Stewart’s Giant Payoff From CNN	59
Flying Half Mast For Dean	58
Quiz in My Pants	55
Walk In And Look To The Left	55
Shake It Off, Kanye	55
Trek Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself	53
Team In Honor Of That Guy Who Gave Us This Table	49
#wereglensvalentines	49
In Dog Beers, We’ve Only Had One	48
Know Nuts	47
We Always Get A Brownie But We Never Get A Round Of Applause	45

Next, Please

Why are we still talking about it? Who the hell cares? I was bored with them before they started sucking up all that unnecessary media time. Basically, here’s ten people, places and things I’m completely sick of…

50 Shades of Grey

Tiny houses (we get it … you’ve downsized. that just makes you a cheap bastard, not a real estate martyr)

Bruce Jenner

The Slap

Multiple Hashtags (say it don’t splay it)

Pooty Poot

SI Swimsuit Issue Haters (they’re hot and they’re nearly naked – so what? leave them the hell alone and let them get on with it)

Hipster Music Festivals

Quinoa

The Grammy Awards (okay, I know I’m not the target demo but – come on, a three-and-a-half hour telecast and not a single dancing halftime shark?! seriously, some producer needs to lose a job here.)

Yes, please, I’ve had it up to here with the whole lot of you. Please deposit your 15 minutes at the same door you should not let you hit you on the ass as you leave through it.