Posts Tagged ‘Movies’

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Valentine’s Day Edition)

February 14, 2020

 

Five Teenage Crushes

Susan Y. from my 7th grade English class

Jennifer Love Hewitt

That Chick from The Fifth Element

Psylocke from the X-Men

The Spice Girls

 

Five Depressing Valentine’s Days

Time I got sick on expired Russell Stover candy

4th grade and the class exchanged cards and everyone was supposed to get one for everyone else but I gave out 28 and only got back 26

The one where my first wife left me

The one spent in county lockup for buying fake Cartier from that guy in the park

The teenage years (all of them)

 

Five Bad Nicknames For Your Boyfriend

Mister Softee

Second Choice

Mommy Issues

The Up Elevator

Cuckold

 

Five Films That Sound Like Bedroom Euphemisms

Feeling Minnesota

Gleaming The Cube

Pushing Tin

Raising Arizona

Romancing The Stone

 

Five Rarely-Used Sexual Roleplay Characters

Edward Snowden

The GEICO Gecko

Former UN Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon

The Orkin Man

That chick that comes out of the well in The Ring

 

ID ID ID Ho!

February 7, 2020

On my thirteenth birthday, my cousin Ginny, who was in college, gave me a fake ID. Not so I could buy beer, mind you – so I could see R-rated movies. See, I had wanted to see Body Snatchers pretty damn bad because some kid in my earth science class had seen it and he said there was blood and gore and clones and boobs and all … but of course my dad wouldn’t take me because I wasn’t mature enough. So my best friend Roland Bridger and I went to the Cardinal Theater and I flashed my new ID. They sold me a ticket but wouldn’t let Roland buy one because he was under 17 and didn’t have a fake ID. I tried to convince them he was my son but they didn’t believe me. I tried to sneak him in one of the exits but we got caught by some concessions dude who was taking out the trash and then we got banned for life. The Cardinal closed down shortly thereafter. You know, I have yet to see that stupid remake of Body Snatchers. And I never will, just on principle.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

December 27, 2019

 

Five Hipster Books

To Kale a Mockingbird

From Here to Urban Outfitters

A Beard Grows In Brooklyn

Their Eyes Were Watching Wes Anderson

The Artisanal Grapes of Wrath

 

Five Euphemisms For Pregnancy

In the family way

Up the duff

Go Go Gadget Zygote!

Cribbin’ the ute

Pulling a Duggar

 

Five Reasons to Hate Winnie the Pooh

He’s not a real bear

He got his stupid head stuck in a honey jar

He hunted the heffalump to extinction

He smells like wet stuffing

He poohs in the woods

 

Five More Ways To Leave Your Lover

Leave on a ferry, Gary.

Grab an axe and decapitate, Nate.

Shove her bloody face in, Jason.

Dose her with strychnine, er –uh, Rick … stein.

Get your gun and shart shootin’, Putin.

 

Five Retroactove Product Placements in Movies

“Well I got her number. How do you like them Snapples?”

“They call me Mister Pibbs!”

“Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinet.”

“As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again – thanks to Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine!”

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some BUSH’s Baked Beans and a nice Franzia, the wine in a box.”

 

TCM Remembers 2019

December 17, 2019

Oh, golly. It’s hanky time, folks, as Turner Classic Movies looks back and fondly recalls the people in the movie industry we lost this past year…

Trivia Rankings: 6 November 2019

November 7, 2019

Newbvember is off to a grand start, however only one newbie was present this week. Better odds for the raffle but don’t get left out – bring a newbie (as many as you can wrangle) and get a raffle ticket for our weekly drawing. Spread the word! Newbvember continues next week.

This week, we sorted our musical billies, did cinema by the numbers and, like, totally got the sensation. And then there was this vegetarian support hotline…

Now, check out the team rankings for the week. We’ll see you next time, Quizlings!

Orange Soda Fanta Sea 64
Were We Supposed To Vote Yesterday? 63
No School November 59
Don’t Forget To Vote On Tuesday 58
Stop Saving The Daylight! 55
How About Cupcakes? 55
The LMNOPs 53
Irish I Was A Baller 51
All Hail The Mimosa King! 50
Assorted Flavors 49
Mr. Bone’s Wild Ride 46
We Drink And Sometimes Know Things 43
Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend. Why Are You Here, It’s 4pm? 40
Losers Club 40
Gordo’s Crew 30
The Underdogs 28

Movie Rebuff

October 22, 2019

It was summer of 1989 and I’m at my friend Eric’s birthday party. I liked Eric; he had a hot mom. And so, for his birthday, his hot mom took about a half dozen of us kids out for pizza and a movie. I wanted to see Ghostbusters II because that first one was so awesome (at the very least, maybe that new Batman thing people were talking about) … only I got overruled and outvoted and we ended up seeing Troop Beverly Hills at the dollar cinema, an experience I only barely survived by rooting for the Red Feathers, the rival scout group.

Seriously! Troop Beverly Hills! How awful is that!

Eric’s hot mom didn’t even sit with us.

17-troopbeverly-01

Jojo Rabbit, Your Meme Is Calling

July 30, 2019

Ah, this is brilliant. (Anyone not familiar with the Hitler Receives Bad News Meme leave now.) Taiki Waititi, director of Thor: Ragnarok and co-director of What We Do In The Shadows, is directing and starring in the upcoming film Jojo Rabbit. The premise of the film is that a young boy in the Hitler Youth gets help from his imaginary friend, Adolph Hitler. Outrageous? Tasteless? Misguided? Sure, why not? But if you see the trailer you may think the film’s worth a Fandango. Regardless of your feelings about the flick, this little bit of viral marketing that Waititi initially posted on Twitter last week is definitely gander-worthy.

Ticket To Ride

May 13, 2019

Strange thing happened over the weekend. I was driving home from the grocery store around dusk when someone walked up to the car at a stoplight and pulled a gun. He then forced me to drive to the nearest multiplex and buy a ticket to see Pokémon Detective Pikachu. He made me watch a feature film adaptation of a 2016 video game wherein an adorable electric type Pokémon helps a young man find his father. After the film was over, this unknown assailant ran off into the darkness and left me standing there in the lobby of the AMC Cinemas, confused and shaken at what had just happened.

At least that’s the story I told my co-workers when the ticket stub fell out of my wallet today at work.

POKEMON DETECTIVE PIKACHU

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 5, 2019

 

Five Rarely Used Map Features

Shundle – small hill, higher than a mound, lower than a ridge

Thripp – dried up estuary

Preel – sandy enclosure surrounded by a thicket

Strunt – dilapidated hut, usu. of military origin

Bwlchcaerpont – lane connecting two or more Welsh communities

 

Five Things My Grandmother Had That I Thought Were Kinda Useless & Dumb

S&H Green Stamps

A hot water bottle

Lawrence Welk LPs

A Ronco Veg-O-Matic

My mother

 

Five Movie Lines With A Key Word Replaced With Monkey

Go ahead. Make my monkey.

I love the smell of monkey in the morning.

You’re gonna need a bigger monkey.

Nobody puts monkey in the corner.

Monkeys? We ain’t got no monkeys. We don’t need no monkeys! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ monkeys!

 

Five Lame Excuses

I’ll be out of town then.

It was the chair.

I’m washing my hair.

My dog ate my homework

It happens to every man.

 

Five Movies Playing In Hell

Eternal Damnation of the Spotless Mind

Some Like It REALLY Hot

Madea Goes To Hell

Paths of Gory

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

 

TCM Remembers 2018

December 18, 2018

Hankies at the ready, please. Yes, it’s that time of year again … the time when TCM Remembers. Yes, it’s sad but it’s also a true celebration of lives and legacies. (Plus your heart’s gotta soar just a wee bit when you see what may be the last Stan Lee cameo ever.)