I once nearly killed a man with a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine. Not saying the man had a Snoopy Sno Cone Machine and I nearly killed him. No, I had the Snoopy Sno Cone Machine and I used it to nearly kill a man. Who is not important. The details are not important. But trust me when I say that the Snoopy Sno Cone Machine may make delicious frozen treats … but, under the right circumstances, it is also a lethal weapon.
Archive for September, 2014
I was at my opthamologist’s office the other day and he said that I might be a good candidate for Lasik surgery. I said that sounded expensive and he said, “Well, your HMO would probably cover it.” That really ticked me off and I told him, “Look, doc … first off, I went to college so you don’t have to spell, and secondly, you should watch yourself ‘cuz I don’t think that’s a very politically correct term.”
Five Other Things Scotland Didn’t Vote For
The Libertarian Party
Ariana Grande as Favorite TV actress at the 2014 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards
The building going condo
The purple M&M
Five Failed General Mills Monster Cereals
Phantom of the Oatmeal
The Loch Ness Marshmallow
The Hunchback of Nutri-Grain
Five People Who Have Difficulty Self Pleasuring
The dude whose hands are bananas
Venus de Milo
Five Reasons to Hate Butterflies
They’re nothing but uppity caterpillars
Now pretty much synonymous with the tramp stamp
All those colors … it’s like a Crayola box threw up and flew away!
They will suck the breath out of you while you sleep, like in those Lunesta ads
Five Embarrassing Confessions
I failed Math 1 at college
I proposed to my first wife because a Ouija board said I should
When scared, I secrete a pheromone that smells like chicory
On weekends, I cosplay as Kim Possible
I got my prom date by scamming the Make-A-Wish foundation
I had a muffin earlier. I like muffins. As Jerry Seinfeld once said, “A muffin can be very filling.” I unwrapped the muffin and discovered that there was a second paper cup underneath. That happens sometimes, y’know – a double wrapped muffin or cupcake. And you peel back that thin paper or foil veneer and realize slowly yet suddenly that there’s yet more to reveal. It’s exciting! Right? Exciting and yet disheartening. At first, it’s like you’ve uncovered a special prize, something baked just for you. Then you realize that you’ve only gotten halfway to the point of eating the pastry and you have to keep unwrapping to have your delicious, delicious prize. Suddenly, you’re overwhelmed by the horrid, ridiculous thought: what if this is like one of those Russian nesting dolls and I keep removing wrappers until eventually there’s only a teeny tiny muffin at the center. But that’s silly, of course. However, the dread persists. What if I don’t have the right to eat this muffin? What if – by the virtue of it being doubled wrapped – this muffin has presented itself in such a rare light that, by eating it, I nullify the uniqueness? Surely, this second skin signifies a muffin above and beyond, one that deserves to survive. But, considering the baser nature of our will, our desires, our hunger, this muffin with something extra is nothing more than a tease – a suggestive sweet roll that sheds its layers provocatively one at a time until there is nothing to hide and its flaky, crusty goodness is laid bare. The mind reels. The imagination soars. The determination wavers.
Of course, at the end of the day it’s just a stupid muffin and I ate the hell out of that sucker.
This is what it sounds like when doves cry? I realize I’m about 25 years too late in my disbelief but what does Prince know about weeping pigeons? Doesn’t seem like much of an ornithologist to me. And what exactly sounds like doves crying? The guy who’s just like his father (2 bold) screaming at the woman who’s perhaps just like his mother (never satisfied)? It now seems as though the Purple One is just throwing random lyrics together – with, of course, the occasional integer to keep his eccentricity alive.
Seriously, I’m gonna have to reassess that chick in the raspberry beret now. Maybe she didn’t really come in through the out door, out door.
I saw a headline on some news site: Dogs Can Detect Prostate Cancer. Which on one hand is good news but on the other hand not so much. For me, that’s just another reason not to want some mutt shoving his schnoz in my crotch. I mean, now I have to wonder if he’s diagnosing early stage prostate cancer or is he just diggin’ that jerky I keep in my pants.
I think it was back in 1986. Me and my man, Orville Redenbacher, were hanging out at Knott’s Berry Farm (Camp Snoopy, if I remember correctly) and these punks tried to cut in line for the Timberline Twister. Turns out it was Bartles & Jaymes. Of course, O. Red was about to bust a gasket, since he and B&J had been nemeses ever since the trio had had a falling out over Betty Grable at a USO dance in ’42. So we set about to rumble, right there and then. Orville pulled out his switchblade and I got my crossbow but the wine cooler boys were packin’ some serious heat and so Orville and I cut our losses and made a beeline for the safety of Fiesta Village, where we ate sno-cones and corn dogs until our tummies hurt.
We kinda lost touch after that, he and I. But, to this day, I can never enjoy a bag of Orville Redenbacher SmartPop! Butter without smelling his old man aftershave mingled with the aroma of cotton candy and fear sweat.
Today would have been his 100th birthday. I still miss you, old friend.
On my first day of kindergarten, I walked into class and they gave me a shape cut out of construction paper. All the kids got one and we had to match it up with the same shape and color on the back of a chair – that would then be our chair for the year. Well, most of the kids got simple shapes like circles, triangles, squares, maybe an octagon or star. But me? Me, they gave a Volkswagen. Yeah, a construction paper cutout of a VW Beetle. I had started kindergarten a year early because I was precocious so here I was – this 4-year-old kid walking around, trying to match up a complicated shape like a Volkswagen. I looked all over but couldn’t find it and went back to the teacher, crying, “I don’t have a chair!” Seriously, I thought I was gonna have to stand up for the entire year. You’d think that would have scarred me for learning for life but I then went on to be the best student in that damn kindergarten class. Unfortunately, when I graduated, I was too young to start first grade and had to go back to that same kindergarten again the next year. I got a circle.
The funny pages may seem like little more than a pleasant morning’s diversion, something to chuckle at over coffee and toast, but the truth is there are more sordid stories behind the panels than fleas on Marmaduke! So grab on to something solid and sit back as we regale you with the Top Ten Comic Strip Secrets The Syndicates Don’t Want You To Know!
1. Calvin and Hobbes did not magically sled off to adventures unknown as the final strip would have you believe (sadly, Calvin now resides in a state mental institution, heavily sedated, living in a fantasy world of talking tigers, high-flying spacemen, stupendous superheroes and mutilated snowmen)
2. The Family Circus kids are all adopted
3. Beetle Bailey once shot himself in the foot in order to avoid Vietnam service
4. Rex Morgan, M.D. went to med school in Grenada
5. In 1985, Charlie Brown was given community service and a permanent restraining order for stalking the Little Red-Haired Girl
6. Little Nemo In Slumberland should really be Little Nemo on Psychedelic Mushrooms
7. Mark Trail and Mary Worth are friends with benefits
8. Li’l Abner honestly really is
9. Garfield’s owner, Jon Arbuckle, killed his former roommate and Odie’s original owner, Lyman, after he discovered him with veterinarian Liz Wilson. Lyman is buried in the back garden where hapless Odie can sometimes be seen pawing at the ground and whining mournfully
10. Nancy’s Aunt Fritzi makes ends meet by working the pole at Bushmiller’s