Posts Tagged ‘Birthday’

Party Foul

August 15, 2017

Here’s a fun thing to do. Tell your kid that there’s a surprise birthday party for a cousin or friend of a friend or distant relative – someone the kid doesn’t know. Then take him or her to a Toys ‘R’ Us and look around for a present. Spend a long time looking and get something really cool you know your kid would like. Go home, wrap the present and make your child take a bath and get all dressed up. Then drive the young one over to Chuck E. Cheese or some fun park or bouncy castle party place and go inside. When you ask where the party for the cousin or whoever is, they staff will of course say that there isn’t one. You can then pretend to get really angry like you just wasted a whole day for nothing and then you can smash up the toy present and drag your kid back home and make him do chores. Ha ha ha ha! That would be pretty darn funny, right? No, no, wait. Er, no, not funny, what’s the word? Ah… cruel! Yep, pretty darn cruel. Heh heh. Yeeeeeeeah. Well, whatever floats your boat. I got issues.

Old Chum

June 20, 2017

On my ninth birthday, I was beaten with Wiffle bats by a small gang of kids who, suffice it to say, weren’t entirely happy with the choice of party favors. My dad had brought a bucket of chum and thought it would be a pretty funny idea if …

Ah, who am I kidding? I never had a ninth birthday party. I never even had a dad. All I had was that bucket of chum.

Damn, I sure miss my chum.

Celebrate Good Times, C’mon!

May 13, 2017

Time was, a good birthday would set you back five, six thousand dollars.

Yep, folks used to have to take out a second mortgage just to celebrate their date of birth. Thankfully, now-a-days, you can have yourself a nice old birthday blowout for around eight bucks. Balloons, cake, ice cream, party favors, the works, all for less than a meal at the Sizzler.

And to think: we owe it all to the humble transistor!

Memory Loss Leader

January 20, 2017

For some reason I have no recollection of my 24th birthday. It’s not like I was drunk and forgot. I just have no memory of it. No celebrations, no parties, no cards, nothing. I think I may have accidentally skipped it. Which would technically make me a year younger, I think. And that’s a plus.

Guest Appearance

September 24, 2016
I ate some Cannelloni once at this kid’s birthday party. His mother came into the kitchen and screamed at me that it was their dinner and I should stay out of her refrigerator. I’m sorry, I said, that orange sherbet and sheetcake you got going on in the den just ain’t doin’ it for me, ladyShe quickly ushered me out the side door and told me never to come back. The joke was on her ‘though since I wasn’t invited to the party in the first place!

They Say It’s Your Birthday

July 15, 2016

How pathetic is it to have the Harris Teeter bakery do up a birthday cake for yourself and then have it delivered “anonymously” to you at your office while you’re at lunch? I mean, you know full well that your co-workers will see it and throw an impromptu party for you when you get back. And you can, of course, feign ignorance. “How did you ever find out? I didn’t want a fuss!” The best thing is, since it’s all last minute, they won’t even have time to get you a card so they’ll have a quick whip ‘round and put some cash in an envelope. Sweet! But, um, like I said – just how pathetic is that?

Well. How pathetic is it when you do this but it’s not really your birthday – you just need some spare cash?  Um … I’m asking hypothetically, of course.

And You Smell Like One Too

June 6, 2016

Went to Baskin Robbins once for my birthday. Only it wasn’t really my birthday. And it wasn’t really a Baskin Robbins. It was a cardboard box in the back yard and I think it was an Arbor Day.

I was an only child. Can you tell?

Cakebalk

February 7, 2016

On my 19th birthday, I ate so much cake I blacked out. When I came to, I was in a bed and breakfast in Connecticut. It was three days later and I was missing a kidney. I still have the scar.

January 13 Trivia Rankings

January 13, 2016

How many languages must I butcher in the name of good trivia? Well, we can cross Español off the list after Wednesday night, Quizlings. Still, major cultural incidents aside, I think it was a fun night of Tomato Jake’s trivia. We’ll do more next week.

Meanwhile, check out all the Top 200 albums of 2015 … and that Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots commercial…

 

Now, here are the team rankings for the week…

Fantastic Breasts And Where To Find Them 71
We Don’t Bowie Under Pressure 65
Steve Harvey Says RIP Mick Jagger 62
Silent Husbands 61
Iran Releases Hot Seamen 60
Abandonment Issues 59
All Different Directions 58
Came All The Way From Boston … For The Pizza 57
Better Odds Than Powerball 56
If We Win The Billions, We Won’t Be Here Next Week 56
I Would Be Afraid Of Spiders From Mars 55
Virginia Wolves 54
Boats & Hos 54
Forget The Brownie, We Want A Powerball Ticket 54
Team Name Here 54
Drinkin’ Lawyers 50
Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars 50
Cotton-Headed Ninny Muggins 45
Five Females And A Fetus 44
Not So Fab Five – Down Like The Dow 43
We Don’t Stand A Chance Against These Old People 39

 

 

A Tough Act To Swallow

November 30, 2015

As I was leaving Rodney Parrish’s 11th birthday party, his mom held out a bowl full of candy. She said, “Take one” and I did, quickly popping the confection in my mouth. She stared at me like I was insane and I thought she was freaking out because I didn’t say “thank you” or something. So I smiled like I was grateful and swallowed the gobstopper. Only it wasn’t a gobstopper, it was one of the party favors she had been offering us kids. Stupid me. I had to be rushed to the emergency room because I had a bleedin’ Wham-O Super Ball stuck in my throat.