Posts Tagged ‘Dogs’

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 29, 2017

Five Dog Songs

Collar Me

Walkies On Sunshine

Harlem, Shake! Good Boy!

You Can Call Me Alpo

Who Let The Us Out?

 

Five Lesser Known X-Men

The Toolverine

Liceman

The Breast

Charlie Pryde

Pubcrawler

 

Five Historical Game Shows

Let’s Make A New Deal

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Columnist?

Battle Of The Network Tsars

Beat The Hippie

Vlad, Vlad … Don’t Impale Me!

 

Five Foot-Based Phobias

Fear that big toe will dislocate during sleep

Fear two feet will fuse into one massive psuedo-foot

Fear of stinky heels

Fear plantar fasciitis will become de rigueur

Fear that Dr. Scholl isn’t really a doctor

 

Five Really Stupid Conspiracy Theories

The moon landing was real but the moon was fake

Squirrels can read the minds of nuts

The documentary “Inside Job” was, in fact, an inside job

Chemtrails are really lines of coke for God

ED drugs were created by the government to mind control the flaccid

OLD NAVY

May 26, 2017

I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I watch a lot of cartoons (I do, but I don’t wanna give anyone that impression) but I happened to catch an old Popeye cartoon the other night and I gotta say I was impressed.   

It was one of the real old ones, the ones where Popeye mumbled a lot (not to suggest the sailor man’s speech was ever worthy of Henry Higgins’ approval but you know what I mean) and Popeye had found this stray dog, a froufrou little Pekingese or Pomeranian or something. Well, Bluto comes along with his dog, a big ol’ bulldog (because apparently Rottweilers and Dobermans weren’t the tough guy dog o’ choice back when the cartoon was made) and starts to bully Popeye. Likewise Bluto’s dog starts to bully the stray that Popeye has found. 

And when I say “bully,” I mean beat the “ever-loving, living crap out of.” It was freaking amazing! Bluto was punching and slamming and kicking and throwing down like a bloody fast-forwarded episode of Dragonball Z! Damn, it was beautiful! Wam! Bam! Smackdown on your backside, naval boy! 

And don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating violence nor am I thrilled at the horrendous trouncing Bluto was raining down on our hero. I was just shocked, astounded and generally nonplussed by the extreme sheer physicality of the display. I mean, hey, they talk about how much violence kids today are exposed to but this was, like, 1938 or something and Bluto’s just going to town on a dude half his size. Of course, later on, Popeye eats some spinach (as does the little frilly dog) and returns just as good as he got but that’s beside the point.   

Man, those cats were getting medieval on each other asses! That was some mind-altering assault and battery! 

Damn, I love cartoons!

All Creatures Great And Creepy

August 23, 2016

You would think that anthropomorphic animals would be a cute way to ease the anxiety at a veterinarian’s office. You’d think that. And perhaps well executed, such an idea might work. But this? Major fail.

ZTE0822 003

This is the illustration found on a box of veterinary surgical drape. See? The doggie’s a doctor and he’s operating on the cat. Funny, right? WRONG! This is creepy as all get out. That canine sure looks menacing – hell, I have my doubts he even went to medical school. And is he a medical practitioner or is something much more sinister going on? I dunno why but I just get the impression Doctor Feelgoodboy here might be on the brink of creating his own feline centipede or worse.

Whatever the bloody hell is going on here I can guarantee you it’s not sanctioned by the ASPCA.

Politicompoop

June 4, 2016

I found a sheet of paper in my office with the following poll result scrawled on it:

10% of the American public would pay 5 dollars to see Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) fight a big mean dog on Pay TV. 86% would root for the dog. 100% of women would.

I got this from Michael Moore’s TV Nation. I found it fascinating and I guess that’s why I kept it in my office for 20 years. I can recycle the piece of paper now that I’ve shared this factoid. 

No, it’s not OCD; it’s just a deleterious need to horde stupid crap.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 31, 2016

Five Dog Songs

Collar Me

Walkies On Sunshine

Harlem, Shake! Good Boy!

You Can Call Me Alpo

Who Let The Us Out?

 

Five Lesser Known X-Men

The Toolverine

Liceman

The Breast

Charlie Pryde

Pubcrawler

 

Five Really Stupid Conspiracy Theories

The moon landing was real but the moon was fake

Squirrels can read the minds of nuts

The documentary “Inside Job” was, in fact, an inside job

Chemtrails are really lines of coke for God

ED drugs were created by the government to mind control the flaccid

 

Five Historical Game Shows

Let’s Make A New Deal

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Columnist?

Battle Of The Network Tsars

Beat The Hippie

Vlad, Vlad … Don’t Impale Me!

 

Five Ways To Defeat Donald Trump

Introduce a viable Conservative third party candidate

Expose the underlying fallacy of his campaign

Stab him in the heart with the Sword of Truth

Destroy all his horcruxes

Trick him into saying his name backwards so he has to return to his home dimension

February 24 Trivia Rankings

February 24, 2016

Was it the weather or the game? Either way, a diminished batch of Quizlings came out to play Wednesday night. Yet only one team went home victorious. Along the way, learned about Birthstones and Best Actors. (By the way, if you don’t watch the Academy Awards on Sunday, you’d better have a look at the highlights. I guarantee there will be at least one question about the Oscars.)

Please take a moment and vote for Tomato Jake’s for Best Trivia In Durham County at indyweek.com’s Best Of The Triangle 2016. I would honestly appreciate the support. (And spread the word – one vote for each email address.)

Meanwhile, check out the AKC list of most popular dog breeds, see the FLOTUS list and sing along to A Whole New World

Now here are the trivia team full rankings for 2/24/16.

Kan-Ye Spare A Dime? 66
I Told A Pete Rose Joke And It Was A Gamble 61
The Poorly Educated Voters 61
I Like Jake’s Tomatoes 60
Team Thundershirt 60
My Puppy Barks At Trump 59
Tommy Used To Work On The Docks 58
The Funnel Clouds 55
Hillary Clinton Is Sexy 55
Did We Land In Oz Or Durham? 54
Hiding In Glass Bathtubs 53
Thank You, Tornado. Now We Have A Chance At Trivia! 49
Tornado Jake’s 49
Strictly Quacking 36

Menageri-eek!

January 2, 2016

Things you need to know:

  1. Dopl is a Yelp rival.
  2. That Santa Workshop video from last week is now not the freakiest thing I’ve ever posted.
  3. Despite evidence to the contrary, I am NOT obsessed with creepy anthropomorphic animal people.

Now, prepare to either laugh or be truly disturbed. Either way, better have your therapist on speed dial.

What The Elf?

December 25, 2015

Uh … Happy Holidays? No. Disturbing Holidays. Geez, I watched it once and now I can’t sleep else I dream of these Moreauvian monstrosites. With their human hands and their Wegmanesque demeanors. Freaky, man, just too freaky.

Cur-llective Bark-aining?

January 23, 2015

If dogs could unionize, what do you think they’d demand? Bigger hydrants? Nicer smelling butts to sniff? More employment for those Saint Bernard’s that carry around rum in those little casks on their collars?

Who knows. It’s a moot point anyhow since canines are notoriously nonunion.

Trick Cur Treat

October 24, 2014

I’ve seen a lot of people dressing their dogs up in costumes lately. A Halloween thing, don’tcha know. Usually these nunderchucks wait until Christmas to adorn their cards with snaps of Fido wearing antlers and Ruff in a Santa suit, but now it seems hip to stress out puppy with a pumpkin parka or a skeleton hoodie. 

Yeah, alright. Go ahead. Keep it up. Embarrass your canine. Make a mug of your mutt. Push poochie past the breaking point. 

You may think it’s cute and all to have man’s best friend decked out in festive, seasonal garb but we’ll see who’s laughing when Cujo’s treating your jugular like a Milkbone.

“I will take my humiliation out of your flesh in bloody chunks.”