Posts Tagged ‘Dogs’

CSI: Crime Seuss Investigation

December 15, 2017

It is with sad regret that I must report on the passing of a beloved holiday icon.

Dr. Seuss’ Grinch, one-time Christmas stealer, was found dead in his mountain home near Whoville early last Saturday. The coroner’s report attributed his death to an enlarged heart.

Whoville M.E., Quincy Q. Who, noted that some physiological change had apparently occurred within the last twenty-four hours causing the Grinch’s heart to grow as much as three times its normal size. “Normally, a Grinch’s heart is a very small muscle; one could say an empty hole.” He went on to explain, “Their cardiovascular systems are not very well developed at all.”

The catalyst that supposedly caused this heart malfunction remains unknown, although sources report that, sometime before his death, the Grinch consumed a large quantity of Whovian Roast Beast, causing his cholesterol levels to rise to an enormous rate.

The Grinch is survived by an unnamed dog and Cindy Lou, his common law wife.

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Random Neurons Firing

October 3, 2017

My mind is really a scary place. It’s like an attic so filled with clutter that you daren’t set foot inside lest you risk damage by a towering mound of Christmas decorations from 1986. Open it up and who knows what will come tumbling out.

For instance, I’m in bed the other night. I’m reading, finishing off What Happened … I stayed up much, much too late (as usual) and was merely whiling away the minutes until slumber. Eventually I drift off to sleep.

Then bam! Suddenly I’m wide awake! I’ve been asleep for less than 30 minutes but now I’m alert and panicked and my heart is beating a mile a minute. I can’t fall back to sleep and I stay awake for an hour. And one thought keeps bouncing round my noggin like a pea in an oil drum:

Whatever happened to that guy in those coffee commercials who was hitchhiking across America with his dog? Did he make it? Is he still traveling? Did he fall on hard times and have to eat his dog like Lewis and Clark did? Who knows the answer? Can I do a Google search?

Sigh. Pretty pathetic, I know. But it’s my mind and welcome to it.

The Dog Days Are Here!

September 26, 2017

This Wednesday, we’re wrapping up Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia’s 8th Anniversary celebration with a raffle – and it’s still not too late to get in on the fun!

The raffle will be for, among other things, a free night’s stay for two at a nifty Durham hotel. You get one raffle ticket just for playing (one per week). The raffle is only open to Quizlings 18 and above due to the nature of the prize.

You can also pick up extra raffle tickets for bringing a newbie, posting a flier to our trivia night and donating a new dog toy for our canine pals. How many extra raffle tickets? Two per item! And there’s no limit this week on how many of each you can claim. Seriously! Bring 56 newbies and get 112 extra raffle tickets! Post 139 fliers (and show me proof) and get 278 extra raffle tickets! Bring 3,861 new dog toys to donate to the pooches on the patio and get 7,722 extra – and I’m out of tickets. Crap, I didn’t think this through. Well, let’s cap them all “within reason” and see how it goes, okay? But the main idea is to bring someone who’s never played trivia at Jake’s before, post fliers to alert the unfamiliar and bring new dog toys because there’s nothing like seeing a dog smile.

smile

Spread the word! Bring your friends! Bring your enemies (best to keep them closer)! Just help us celebrate 8 years of fantastic trivia at Tomato Jake’s Pizzeria!

September 20 Trivia Rankings

September 20, 2017

Thanks to all who showed up to play. Raffle tickets a-plenty were given out to all who played and to some with pet pics and doggy toys. More next week, so stay tuned.

What did you miss? Winning streaks, test-your-limits cinema and Caribbean islands. Plus there was this haunting theme…

Now here are this week’s team rankings. See you next week, Quizlings!

Kevin Hart’s Sex Tape Is Kind Of Short 63
Maybe He’ll Have an Impeachment Parade 62
Trump at U.N. Means F.U.U.N. 61
We’re Following You, But Not On Twitter 60
Nambia Is Where They Grow The Covfefe 60
Pink And Purple 59
We Bull-ieved 59
No, That One 56
The League of Nations 54
Couch Pulls Out But I Don’t 54
West Side Story 2: Maria’s Revenge 54
Will Trade Brownies For Right Answers 52
We Brought A Foreigner 51
That Table Over There 46
Charlie’s Heroes 46
There’s No U In Team Either 41
My Teachers Are Here – Help! 40
Taco Truckers 39
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? 38
Los Narcos 29

The Dog Days of Trivia

September 20, 2017

We’re celebrating Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia’s Eighth Anniversary All MONTH LONG and it’s still not too late to get in on the fun!

On September 27, we’re holding our raffle for, among other things, a free night’s stay for two at a nifty Durham hotel. You don’t have to be present to win and you get one raffle ticket just for playing (one per week). The raffle is only open to Quizlings 18 and above due to the nature of the prize.

You can also pick up extra raffle tickets for bringing a newbie (one per week), posting a flier to out trivia night (one per week) and donating a new dog toy for our canine pals (no limit).

So, doing the math, if you come out to play this week and bring a friend who’s never been to our trivia night before and you show me a picture of a flier you posted on a public bulletin board where local folks can view it and you bring five new dog toys to donate, then that’s … mumbling under breath … carry the one … eight raffle tickets you get this week alone! That’s some major odds in your favor!

Spread the word! Bring your friends! Bring your enemies (best to keep them closer)! Just help us celebrate 8 years of fantastic trivia at Tomato Jake’s Pizzeria throughout the month of September!

September 13 Trivia Rankings

September 13, 2017

Awesomeness ensued. That’s what I want on my tombstone. It also describes the action that went down Wednesday night at Tomato Jakes. “Awesomeness ensued.”

The was a Terminator head, canine cinema and treats for Rosie, Ace, Sugar and Anthony. Plus this slow jam:

Now here are the rankings for the week:

J Is For Genius 70
Went To Orlando – All I Got Was This Stupid Hurricane 68
Mike Pence Hacked Ted Cruz’s Twitter Account 65
Where Were You And Your Bitches Last Week 63
Equifu** 62
Ted Cruz Promises He’s Never Liked Porn 62
Alexa, Is God Mad At Us? 62
Cassini is Taking A Dive 61
No Way, Jose 60
For Sale – Newly Minted Oceanfront Property 59
Thanks For Nothing, Equifax 58
Globetrotters 57
Pickles 54
Zodiac Twitter Hack 53
5 Dogs, 1 Park 53
Muffin Bullets 53
Somebody Tell Chipotle That’s Nacho Cheese 45
You Don’t Know Jac 31

Jokes On You

July 27, 2017

I asked for jokes and you Quizlings came through. I’d love to share them all but some – while horribly funny – are not fit for a PG-13 blog. Regardless, here’s a darn good sampling.

What’s the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm

6:03 is the best time on the clock, hands down!

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic

A guy phones up an escort agency and asks for some “company.” A woman arrives and asks what the man wants to do. First, he has her hold on for a minute while he puts on his wellies and a rain jacket. Then he goes to the freezer and fetches a tray of ice. The escort is confused but she goes along with it. The man then gets into the shower, turns on the water and asks the escort to throw ice cubes at him. She does for a minute or two and then asks, “Aren’t you going to have sex with me?” To which the man responds: “What, in this weather?”

What kind of bees make milk?  Boo-bees

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him

Never date an apostrophe. It’s too possessive.

Why did the coffee file a police report? Because he got mugged.

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on the side of their ships? So that when they come into port they can Scan-da-navian.

What do you call a mother cow who just gave birth? Decalfinated

Two men are drinking on the second floor of a bar. One says, “Alright, I’m going home,” and he dives out of the window. The next day, the same two men are drinking and the other man asks, “How’d you survive that stunt yesterday?” The first man says, “There’s a big pile of hay right beneath the window.” The second man finishes his drink, dives out of the window and splatters on the concrete below. The first man laughs and the bartender says to him: “You’re a dick, Superman.”

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 29, 2017

Five Dog Songs

Collar Me

Walkies On Sunshine

Harlem, Shake! Good Boy!

You Can Call Me Alpo

Who Let The Us Out?

 

Five Lesser Known X-Men

The Toolverine

Liceman

The Breast

Charlie Pryde

Pubcrawler

 

Five Historical Game Shows

Let’s Make A New Deal

Are You Smarter Than A 5th Columnist?

Battle Of The Network Tsars

Beat The Hippie

Vlad, Vlad … Don’t Impale Me!

 

Five Foot-Based Phobias

Fear that big toe will dislocate during sleep

Fear two feet will fuse into one massive psuedo-foot

Fear of stinky heels

Fear plantar fasciitis will become de rigueur

Fear that Dr. Scholl isn’t really a doctor

 

Five Really Stupid Conspiracy Theories

The moon landing was real but the moon was fake

Squirrels can read the minds of nuts

The documentary “Inside Job” was, in fact, an inside job

Chemtrails are really lines of coke for God

ED drugs were created by the government to mind control the flaccid

OLD NAVY

May 26, 2017

I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I watch a lot of cartoons (I do, but I don’t wanna give anyone that impression) but I happened to catch an old Popeye cartoon the other night and I gotta say I was impressed.   

It was one of the real old ones, the ones where Popeye mumbled a lot (not to suggest the sailor man’s speech was ever worthy of Henry Higgins’ approval but you know what I mean) and Popeye had found this stray dog, a froufrou little Pekingese or Pomeranian or something. Well, Bluto comes along with his dog, a big ol’ bulldog (because apparently Rottweilers and Dobermans weren’t the tough guy dog o’ choice back when the cartoon was made) and starts to bully Popeye. Likewise Bluto’s dog starts to bully the stray that Popeye has found. 

And when I say “bully,” I mean beat the “ever-loving, living crap out of.” It was freaking amazing! Bluto was punching and slamming and kicking and throwing down like a bloody fast-forwarded episode of Dragonball Z! Damn, it was beautiful! Wam! Bam! Smackdown on your backside, naval boy! 

And don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating violence nor am I thrilled at the horrendous trouncing Bluto was raining down on our hero. I was just shocked, astounded and generally nonplussed by the extreme sheer physicality of the display. I mean, hey, they talk about how much violence kids today are exposed to but this was, like, 1938 or something and Bluto’s just going to town on a dude half his size. Of course, later on, Popeye eats some spinach (as does the little frilly dog) and returns just as good as he got but that’s beside the point.   

Man, those cats were getting medieval on each other asses! That was some mind-altering assault and battery! 

Damn, I love cartoons!

All Creatures Great And Creepy

August 23, 2016

You would think that anthropomorphic animals would be a cute way to ease the anxiety at a veterinarian’s office. You’d think that. And perhaps well executed, such an idea might work. But this? Major fail.

ZTE0822 003

This is the illustration found on a box of veterinary surgical drape. See? The doggie’s a doctor and he’s operating on the cat. Funny, right? WRONG! This is creepy as all get out. That canine sure looks menacing – hell, I have my doubts he even went to medical school. And is he a medical practitioner or is something much more sinister going on? I dunno why but I just get the impression Doctor Feelgoodboy here might be on the brink of creating his own feline centipede or worse.

Whatever the bloody hell is going on here I can guarantee you it’s not sanctioned by the ASPCA.