Ah, that was nice, wasn’t it? The family all together for a sumptuous holiday gathering, the smell of roasted bird still wafting from the kitchen, tryptrophan coursing through the veins, a sense of warmth permeating the being. Sounds of a gridiron skirmish, some ratings-inspired entertainment spectacle on network TV. A few lights and decorations already up in a premature explosion of Yule. A fire going. And too much pie. Way too much pie.
But in the true spirit of the season, let us ponder exactly what it is that we are truly thankful for. For me, oh so many things. So much to like, so much to love, to appreciate and cherish.
I’m thankful for Moira, of course, but that almost goes without saying. We’ve come so far from that day we met in Life Drawing 250 at UNC. She, the tenuous artist, dabbling in a new major. I, the nervous model, fulfilling a screwed-up work-study requirement by posing with a bowl of fruit.
I’m thankful for Jake and Maxine, my pride and joy – and the best pre-teen brother and sister act the League of Young Magicians has ever seen.
I’m thankful for my life (except for that time I spent with the Society for Creative Anachronism).
I’m thankful for my health – and for the early detention techniques that saved it (remember: “once a month, in the shower!”).
I’m thankful for my new iPhone.
I’m thankful DNA evidence can still be shot full of holes by a competent lawyer.
I’m thankful that comic strips like Mutts, Over the Hedge and Get Fuzzy still make it worth picking the daily paper despite perennial dreck like Family Circus and Hi and Lois.
I’m thankful my employer doesn’t do extensive background checks on its applicants.
I’m thankful for puns, double entendres and hyperbole.
I’m thankful Old Navy doesn’t really have a navy.
I’m thankful I no longer laugh when the waiter says “shiitake mushrooms.”
I’m thankful for the soothing hands of Hunter, my Icelandic masseuse.
I’m thankful for Just For Men brush-in gel for beards.
I’m thankful I have caught up on my Harlequins.
I’m thankful I have at last paid off my med school loans.
I’m thankful I finally found a local radio station that carries Coast To Coast AM.
I’m thankful my walk-on as a felonious cabana boy on Dirty Sexy Money got me within spitting distance of my idol Peter Krause. (And doubly thankful he didn’t have his contacts in when he caught me in his trailer, making it nigh impossible to make a positive ID.)
I’m thankful that Anime and Calliope like their new Purr Pads™.
I’m thankful I cured myself of using the catchphrase “Smack me one, Big Mama!”
I’m thankful I was finally able to unload my old Greg Kihn Band and Huey Lewis and the News LPs on eBay.
I’m thankful for Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim.
I’m thankful Costco now carries Beano in cases.
I’m thankful that, due to a savvy legal system, I may actually get back the six thousand dollars I spent on that charlatan Billy Mays.
I’m thankful my dry cleaner doesn’t ask too many questions.
And, finally, I am so damn thankful that Thanksgiving is over because if I have to plaster one more fake smile on my face while the in-laws tell me what they are so blasted thankful for I may just lodge a dental pick in someone’s cerebellum!!!
Whoa. WAY too much pie.
Sparky MacMillan is a forearm from the waist down!