Wow. That was odd.
I just got back from seeing the midnight premiere of the new Twilight feature, New Moon. Not for me, mind you – Maxine’s been going on and on about this thing for months now. Kind of worried me when she began to take down the Hello Kitty posters on her wall and replace them with Robert Pattinson, but she’s still far too young to really understand all that sexually-charged teen angst stuff. Although we did catch her texting her BFF something along the lines of licking whipped cream off of Taylor Lautner’s bare chest, prompting Moira to finally have “the talk” with her. I was surprised mainly because of all the publicity photos I’d seen of the main trio, I’d thought Taylor Lautner was a chick.
Anyway, we took a nap after watching Vampire Diaries (what is it about girls and vampires anyway?), and we got up around 10:30 to head down to the cineplex for the feature. I’d purchased tickets on Fandango (those bag puppets in the ads always make me laugh) to save time and that was the best idea I had that evening. I mean, the place was packed! I have never seen so many preteen girls in one place. I must have been the oldest person there by a good ten years (and that’s counting the cinema staff of short straw losers, all sore at having to pull midnight duty) and I half expected Chris Hansen to jump out and start asking me some very pointed questions.
We got some popcorn, some sodas, a box of Raisinets, and we took our seats. Me, I like to sit in the back so I can throw ice at the cretins who pull out their cell phones during the flick, but Maxine wanted to be all up close so we sat in the front row – not in the straggler seats, but that first row where the stadium seating begins, behind that bar. All around me, young women were reaching new heights of anticipation, snapping photos of each other, texting friends who weren’t seated next to them, some only an aisle away, and calling the unlucky whose parents wouldn’t let them out late on a school night (Moira and I got past that particular parental Gordian knot by allowing the kids to pick one day each year that they get to stay home from school with our permission; Jake chose the day Julianne Hough performed at the State Fair, Maxine the day after the New Moon premiere).
Well, when the lights went down, the high-pitched shrieks started. I imagine nearby kennels were awash in canine ear-bleeding as a result. It was like the Beatles on Ed Sullivan. Unfortunately, we had to sit through 15 minutes of trailers first, something I’m a fan of normally but at a midnight showing I’d rather not waste any time so I can get back home and back into bed. And while the theatre may have a captive audience, it honestly could have cut the number of trailers in half. Like, I understand the concept of demographics and fan appeal, but does the movie theatre really believe any of the tweeners in attendance is going to plop down a sawbuck to see Me and Orson Welles, even if Zac Efron is in it?
Okay, brass tacks time. The movie. The Twilight Saga: New Moon. If you surveyed all the excited teenyboppers, I’m sure they will tell you that it was a cinematic masterpiece, a celluloid marvel, unparalleled in height and scope, the likes moviegoers haven’t seen since Lawrence of Arabia or Citizen Kane. A rational critic like myself, however, must bring to bear harsher metrics to judge the creative process and… aw, who am I kidding? IT WAS AWESOME! Moody vampires and shirtless werewolves and teen angst, what’s not to love? As Bella, Kristen Stewart is a conflicted heroine, torn between two loves, two worlds. The bo-hunks who woo her are as intriguing as they are alluring dramatic personae. And the thrill-a-minute action was to die for! A wonderful romp, an ecstatic experience, a marvelous time! It’s like I was back in school again with the promise of new love tingling on the skin, my whole life ahead of me, mistakes to be made, bridges to be burned, hopes to be dashed … a carefree moment reborn and with it the possibility that everything I dreamed of would forever come to pass. And, just for that second, I could believe that skank, Caitlin Hailey Handelmeyer, with her head cheerleader body and soccer star boyfriend, won’t get crowned Homecoming Queen and my write-in campaign wouldn’t be the joke of the school and I would finally be the most popular girl in school and Brian Greenman would at last notice me and … and … and …
Man, I have got to get some freakin’ sleep. And a new therapist, apparently.