Archive for November, 2009

Jack in the Box

November 29, 2009

If you’ve ever wrapped a gift in a different box to throw someone off the scent, then The Onion has just the thing for you – Decoy Gift Boxes!  Yes, fake gift boxes specifically designed to make a giftee think you had the good sense to buy them something silly, like a USB Toaster or a personal debris removal system (boot brooms).  Come to think of it, the box may be the best thing about the gift.  Wrap that string art yacht you found at a yard sale in a box that’ll really keep ’em talking.

Buy your Decoy Gift Boxes at the Onion Store.  Then watch Granny’s face when she opens her iFeast and wonders why you got her a portable pet feeding/watering system for her MP3 player.

Grin and Tonic

November 28, 2009

Live action arms melded with some really retro illustrations equals one mildly bawdy ad campaign for Schweppes UK.  I just love how the quick takes make the humour.  I mean, you can’t top, “Don and Tabitha, you’re just in time. I’m about to hose down Felicity!”  Or can you?

Webitudes VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

November 27, 2009

We’ll start with the 10 Best Celebrity Computer Ads Of The 1980s (Odd … I can’t find that one Willie Tanner and ALF did for the TRS-80).

Then, we’ll move on to The 22 Least Necessary Monopoly Special Editions.  Honestly – aren’t all beyond the original edition unnecessary?

Next, check out the 10 Best Venture Bros. One Shot Characters.  Have no idea who the heck the Venture Bros. or their ancillary characters are?  The Nozzle would like a few words with you. 

And let’s wrap up the fun with a movie twofer: the Best ’30s Movies and some Movie Inspired Band Names.  Do the twain meet?  I’m not telling.

Pass Another Roll, Please

November 26, 2009

Best. Thanksgiving. EVER.

The 2008 Macy’s Parade gets a special surprise! 

Domo Arigato

November 25, 2009

As we move headfirst into the holiday season and you prepare to gorge yourself on Ben Franklin’s national bird of choice, let us take a moment to think of those less fortunate than ourselves. Like the cast of Eastwick, SC Governor Mark Sanford, Borders employees, Carolina Panthers fans, Paula Deen’s nose, Eggo Waffle eaters, people who wear horizontal stripes, that kid who got tackled by the deer in Pittsburgh, ferret owners, anyone who paid full price to see 2012, and the parents of Adam Lambert.

Anyhow, the point is … well, there really isn’t a point. Need and desperation and misfortune come in all shapes and sizes, no matter who you are. One man’s Thanksgiving is another man’s thanks-for-giving-us-the-shaft-and-taking-our-land. It all depends on which side of the meal you’re on. I mean, basically, no amount of cranberry sauce, stuffing, bowl games, parades or cheesy holiday specials can make it a nifty keen day for the turkey, right?

So, eat hearty, my friends! Give thanks, where appropriate. Enjoy yourselves. But don’t get too full of yourself `cuz, hey, this ain’t a very special episode of Blossom or anything.

Magnifico!

November 24, 2009

There’s very little the Muppets can do that isn’t downright entertaining.  This is most definitely not the exception that proves the rule…

Appoplectic

November 22, 2009

Just shut up about your apps.

Seriously, just shut the hell up about your apps. Just shut up about how cool your phone is and what an excessive number of apps you have and what they all do and – gee, I wonder the barometric pressure is in Katmandu … wow, you have an app for that? I don’t freakin’ care!!  Stop it. Just bloody stop it.  This is no idle threat here.  I am prepared to inflict damage and I am prepared to serve the time for it.

So just shut your stinking, festering gob about your damn apps.

Get Lost

November 21, 2009

Is it too early to get a little psyched for the last season of Lost?  Hells to the no!  It’s only a couple of months away, so get ready, people.  You can start with this promotional LOST POSTER.  Other than a few characters, there’s not much here, is there?  And with the creative force behind the show keeping extremely mum on spoilers, plotlines, character development, etc. it would be surprising if anything heavy was revealed.  But is that an honest appraisal?  After all, Lost is a show that has utilized the web and viral videos with utmost efficiency.  So what can we glean from the poster?  Who’s standing next to whom?  Which characters are featured prominently and which are in the background?  Who’s missing?  A fan could go mad studying this thing.  Mad, I tell you.  Heh heh heh heh heh.  Bring it on, Darlton!

Full Moon

November 20, 2009

Wow. That was odd.

I just got back from seeing the midnight premiere of the new Twilight feature, New Moon.  Not for me, mind you – Maxine’s been going on and on about this thing for months now.  Kind of worried me when she began to take down the Hello Kitty posters on her wall and replace them with Robert Pattinson, but she’s still far too young to really understand all that sexually-charged teen angst stuff.  Although we did catch her texting her BFF something along the lines of licking whipped cream off of Taylor Lautner’s bare chest, prompting Moira to finally have “the talk” with her.  I was surprised mainly because of all the publicity photos I’d seen of the main trio, I’d thought Taylor Lautner was a chick

Anyway, we took a nap after watching Vampire Diaries (what is it about girls and vampires anyway?), and we got up around 10:30 to head down to the cineplex for the feature.  I’d purchased tickets on Fandango (those bag puppets in the ads always make me laugh) to save time and that was the best idea I had that evening.  I mean, the place was packed!  I have never seen so many preteen girls in one place.  I must have been the oldest person there by a good ten years (and that’s counting the cinema staff of short straw losers, all sore at having to pull midnight duty) and I half expected Chris Hansen to jump out and start asking me some very pointed questions. 

We got some popcorn, some sodas, a box of Raisinets, and we took our seats.  Me, I like to sit in the back so I can throw ice at the cretins who pull out their cell phones during the flick, but Maxine wanted to be all up close so we sat in the front row – not in the straggler seats, but that first row where the stadium seating begins, behind that bar.  All around me, young women were reaching new heights of anticipation, snapping photos of each other, texting friends who weren’t seated next to them, some only an aisle away, and calling the unlucky whose parents wouldn’t let them out late on a school night (Moira and I got past that particular parental Gordian knot by allowing the kids to pick one day each year that they get to stay home from school with our permission; Jake chose the day Julianne Hough performed at the State Fair, Maxine the day after the New Moon premiere).

Well, when the lights went down, the high-pitched shrieks started.  I imagine nearby kennels were awash in canine ear-bleeding as a result.  It was like the Beatles on Ed Sullivan.  Unfortunately, we had to sit through 15 minutes of trailers first, something I’m a fan of normally but at a midnight showing I’d rather not waste any time so I can get back home and back into bed.  And while the theatre may have a captive audience, it honestly could have cut the number of trailers in half.  Like, I understand the concept of demographics and fan appeal, but does the movie theatre really believe any of the tweeners in attendance is going to plop down a sawbuck to see Me and Orson Welles, even if Zac Efron is in it?

Okay, brass tacks time. The movie.  The Twilight Saga: New Moon.  If you surveyed all the excited teenyboppers, I’m sure they will tell you that it was a cinematic masterpiece, a celluloid marvel, unparalleled in height and scope, the likes moviegoers haven’t seen since Lawrence of Arabia or Citizen Kane.  A rational critic like myself, however, must bring to bear harsher metrics to judge the creative process and… aw, who am I kidding?  IT WAS AWESOME!  Moody vampires and shirtless werewolves and teen angst, what’s not to love? As Bella, Kristen Stewart is a conflicted heroine, torn between two loves, two worlds.  The bo-hunks who woo her are as intriguing as they are alluring dramatic personae.  And the thrill-a-minute action was to die for!  A wonderful romp, an ecstatic experience, a marvelous time!  It’s like I was back in school again with the promise of new love tingling on the skin, my whole life ahead of me, mistakes to be made, bridges to be burned, hopes to be dashed … a carefree moment reborn and with it the possibility that everything I dreamed of would forever come to pass.  And, just for that second, I could believe that skank, Caitlin Hailey Handelmeyer, with her head cheerleader body and soccer star boyfriend, won’t get crowned Homecoming Queen and my write-in campaign wouldn’t be the joke of the school and I would finally be the most popular girl in school and Brian Greenman would at last notice me and … and … and …

Man, I have got to get some freakin’ sleep.  And a new therapist, apparently.

Catnap

November 19, 2009

I’ll admit that I’m not likely to shop at a Payless shoe store, but I LOVE THIS COMMERCIAL!!  It’s sleepy kitties, nothin’ but sleepy kitties.  So cute and adorable were these drowsy felines that I nearly forgot I was watching a shoe ad.  Enjoy…