Archive for October, 2015

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Halloween Edition)

October 31, 2015

Five Costume Mashups

Colonel Bernie Sanders


Elton Jon Snow

Paula Deen Martin

Free Willy Nelson

Five Candies From Hell

Possessed Sour Patch Kids



Reese’s Feces

Circus Peanuts

Five Halloween Douchebags

People who give out toothbrushes instead of candy

Idiots who decry holiday as evil or demonic

Mean-spirited vandals

Yokels who turn yard displays into thinly veiled racist slurs or political statements

Teenagers who are too old to trick or treat but still do

Five Great Pumpkin Fears

Kids will stop believing in him

Someone will kill him and make the world’s largest pumpkin pie

The Easter Bunny will have more Twitter followers

Dying alone and unloved

Linus will break his restraining order

Five Things Kids Don’t Want To Hear When Trick or Treating

“We’re out of candy.”

“Another Elsa. How @#%&ing original, brat.”

“Instead of candy, I’m giving out hugs!”

“You can’t come in without a warrant.”

“Why, yes, I am Jared Fogle.”

October 28 Trivia Rankings!

October 28, 2015

What a great night, Quizlings! Great trivia, great costumes and great prizes – all in celebration of our sixth anniversary. If you thought you’d stay home and watch the World Series or the Republican Debate, I hope it was worth it because you missed your shot at a massage, doughnuts, candy, movie tickets and comic book heaven. Oh well. I’m sure your thing was fun too.

And because I nearly stumped the room, take a look at Hi-Five Ghost in action …

Now, here are the rankings…

In Your Dreams 64
Über Kitten Delivery 63
Two Snow Wrongs Don’t Make A Snow White 62
Candy And Pizza: A Winning Combination 62
Thanks For The Brownies 58
Cher Wants Us To Turn Back Time This Weekend 58
We’re Outside – Give Us Candy 57
Wording Is Hard! 57
3 Captains, 2 Minions, Typical Workplace 56
B&T 56
Trump Or Treat 53
Old Chub 51
I Moustache You A Question 47
Elvis & Ringo 44
Got Milk! 44
Pumpkin Spice All The Teams 40
Don’t Talk About My Bacon That Way! 40

Fear & Losing On The Campaign Trail

October 27, 2015

In 1972, I was working for the McGovern campaign, making cold calls to folks in the Plains states. It was July 19th and we (the campaign volunteers) began to hear sobs coming from the candidate’s office. The cries escalated into a low moaning sound. Jennifer, the campaign manager, investigated and found McGovern curled up under his desk in the fetal position. He was totally freaking that no one had remembered his birthday. He bawled like a baby for hours. Finally, somebody went down to the Piggly Wiggly and picked up a sheet cake and a pinata and we threw a “surprise” party for the old goat.

Thinking back, I’m glad Nixon kicked his ass. Wouldn’t want that bleedin’ crybaby with his finger on the button.


October 24, 2015

Five Great Bruce Campbell Roles

Ash, Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness

Elvis Presley, Bubba Ho-Tep

Himself, My Name Is Bruce

Roland the Intrepid Explorer, The Majestic

Sam Axe, Burn Notice


Five Cool Songs About Fire

Fire by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown

Burnin’ Down the House by Talking Heads

Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple

Fire on the Mountain by The Marshall Tucker Band

Wildfire by Michael Martin Murphey


Five Lame Vitamins

Vitamin L – used to strengthen moles, scabs and chancres

Vitamin S – found in lizard gonads, can make voice sound like a chipmunk

Vitamin R – a lipid theorized to exist only in space; good for space sickness

Vitamin X – one must consume 10,000 muffins to ingest one microgram but once you ingest a pound of it you get x-ray vision

King Vitamin – his cereal sucked


Five Favorite Kids in the Hall Lines

“You chose a child molester’s jam!”

“Once upon a time… there was this… eel-monkey… and he had himself… a bollum head.”

“Well, I’m sure the Great Leader is just some sort of twisted ass freak!”

“It was Citizen Kane! IT WAS CITIZEN KANE!!”

“OK, I’ll eat your Bible. But it’ll cost you a lot and take me several days of lunching and snacking.”


Five Desserts That Could Be Stripper Names 


Coconut Macaroon



Creamy Divinity

Sparky MacMillan is the number one fan of the man from Tennessee.

October 21 Trivia Rankings

October 22, 2015

Okay, I think we learned that I am extremely fallible when I don’t get enough sleep. Oh, and that the young hate the old and the old hate the young (their questions at least). But it’s all fun in the end, isn’t it? (And, yes, I’m aware that sounds vaguely dirty but I’m not worried about it.)

Also – if you didn’t know who Mr. Yuk was, that means your parents probably let you play under the sink. Here’s the PSA that’ll set you straight.

Plus, here’s Biz Markie’s Lucky Charms song “Marshmallows Only.” Say what you like, but it’s hard to accuse a guy of selling out when the guy in question has parlayed one song into an entire career. More power to him!

Now, here’s how the teams stacked up. See you next week, Quizlings!

Jaws 19 Ate My Hoverboard 68
We Apparently Still Need Roads 65
Bye Bye Biden 64
There’s Nothing Pizza Can’t Fix 63
We Have To Go Back … To Trivia! 62
We Can’t Do Worse Than My Fantasy Football Team 59
Our Density Has Brought Us To Trivia 53
Don’t Look Outside – We’re Cheating 53
Poor James Harden 52
Our Team Name Is On The Big Board 51
1.21 Jim-A-Watts 49
All Winnings Go To The Clock Tower 49
Why Do You Never See Donald Trump And Biff Tannen In The Same Place? 48
It’s Her Birthday And She’ll Cry If We Don’t Win 47
Snow Pants Or No Pants 42
The Tempura Shelter For A Lightly Battered Bookclub 39

October 21, 2015


I’ll be hosting the 2015 Pop Quiz to benefit the Achievement Academy of Durham. Come join me for a night of great trivia and all for a good cause! Get tickets at Eventbrite.

Behind The Gross Door

October 19, 2015

Went to the restroom at work yesterday. Nothing outrageous there, but when I touched the door, it was – how to describe it – slightly tacky. And I don’t mean wearing-a-feather-boa-on-a-backless-prom-dress tacky but gummy. Pasty even. Downright Viscous. For a moment, I was taken aback until I realized there had been some touch-up painting going on and while the paint did not come off on my hands it wasn’t quite fully dry yet. I was relieved overall but more than a little upset because I don’t care if it’s drying paint or glue or something that would make a CSI tech blush, when I touch the bathroom door to enter it should not be sticky!


October 17, 2015


Quick! Click on this cartoon. You won’t believe your eyes. 

This is the actual, unaltered Hi & Lois strip that ran on February 7, 2000 on funny pages all across the country. Honest! 

Just set aside the boundary issues they have in the Flagston household for a minute. (Seriously! Who showers with the bathroom door wide open – aside from creepy uncles and online coeds you have to pay to watch?) The joke that’s being made here is obviously … well, you know. Chip is a teenage boy who likes to take looooong showers. Wink wink. What other possible gag could Browne be going for here? Check out the kid’s smile … his relaxed posture … that frenzied lather action at the crotch. He’s not making subtle references to the Teapot Dome Scandal.

Tsk. And people complain about Doonesbury.


October 14 Trivia Rankings

October 14, 2015

Thanks to all the Quizlings who made it out Wednesday night.

We learned at least two things – 1) very few people understand the Nobel nomination process and 2) I haven’t seen a movie in a while. I’m hoping to rectify the latter tomorrow.

As far as the cries of ageism (you know who you are), rest assured I try to write questions on a wide variety of topics for a wide-ranging audience. If you thought the bonus round this week was a little to before your time, I’ll have a special bonus round just for you available as of next week!

Now, here’s the rankings. See how your team fared…

The Guy Who Normally Names Our Team Is Not Here 66
Autocorrect Is A Fickle, Fickle Beast 61
The Brownie Monsters 59
Bern ‘Em, Chaffe ‘Em, Rodham 59
We Want A Brownie 56
Touching Is Totally 35%! 56
Khloe’s Love Ranch Wasn’t Good Enough? 56
Always Had Issues With Nudity In Playboy – They’re Under My Bed 51
The Value Of Debates Are Debatable 48
Krispy Kreme Children’s Clinic 45
#TYBG 42
We’re Here For The BOO’s 41
H & K 40
Oh, It’s Those 33
I Still Think 1990 Was Ten Years Ago 32
1/2 Off All Pitchers 26


October 13, 2015

Five Ways To Make Political Debates Better

All responses must be limited to 140 characters

Replace moderator with Lucha libre wrestler

Flub a question, do a shot

Monkeys (everything’s better with monkeys!)

Pre-empt them

Five Odd Relationship Dealbreakers

Your feng shui doesn’t match

Constantly fills DVR with repeats of Ghost Hunters

She starts dressing like your mom and calling you by your dad’s name

He sleeps with an autographed picture of Chuck Woolery

His foreplay consists solely of Travis Bickle’s “You talkin’ to me?” monologue

Five Reasons I’ve Got A Mancrush on Nathan Fillion

His rugged Canadian-bred good looks

He’s worked with Stephen Spielberg

He voiced Green Lantern in a few DC Comics animated films

He co-founded a charity to get more books into underfunded libraries

He was Mal freakin’ Reynolds on Firefly!!!!

Five Signs You’re Obsessed With Fantasy Football

Your wife asks you to take out the trash while you’re watching the game and you contact a divorce attorney

Your dogs are named Draft and King

In the last calendar year, you spent more time coming up with a team name than you did with your kids

You set your line-up instead of delivering your father’s eulogy

You call out Le’Veon Bell’s name during sex

Five Rarely Used Twitter Hashtags