Archive for January, 2015

Pranks For The Memories

January 30, 2015

When I was in high school and people passed around their yearbooks, I’d always try to sneak in a passage that went something like this:

You are the coolest friend I ever had! Stay totally rad, bro! – Jazzbiscuit

Thing is – my nickname wasn’t Jazzbiscuit. No one I knew was called Jazzbiscuit; I made the name up. I just like the idea that there are dozens of former classmates out there who will occasionally reminisce over their old yearbooks and wonder, “Who the hell was Jazzbiscuit?!”

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Just Say Noah

January 28, 2015

Check out this pretty damn amusing Canal+ ad. Yes, it’s in French but I don’t think that’ll affect the payoff.

Although it occurs to me that if there really are no more unicorns then what I saw at that roadside zoo on the way to the beach was a horrible crime against nature.

The World’s Tiniest Voilà!

January 25, 2015

I think the most pathetic occupation ever must be the birthday party magician. Birthday party clowns I can understand; those suckers are already warped. But the magicians? Sad, oh so sad. Here you are, a craftsman, an artiste, finely honing your talent to the point your illusory skill can make people suspend their disbelief and “oooh” and “aaaah” over your marvelous feats. But due to the fact that you can’t get a good agent or you live in Hoboken, NJ or you just aren’t up to the standards of David Copperfield, you have to knock ‘em dead at 7-year-old Caitlin’s Chuck E. Cheese gala.

“This next trick was first conjured by the Augustinian Monks in the 6th century A.D. and has mystified the crowned heads of Europe –” “Make a balloon animal!” “What?” “Make a balloon doggie!” “Oy, my life sucks.”

Cur-llective Bark-aining?

January 23, 2015

If dogs could unionize, what do you think they’d demand? Bigger hydrants? Nicer smelling butts to sniff? More employment for those Saint Bernard’s that carry around rum in those little casks on their collars?

Who knows. It’s a moot point anyhow since canines are notoriously nonunion.

Believe It Or Not

January 21, 2015

“There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking.” – Alfred Korzybski

Talk radio discourse in a nutshell, I’d say.

Brown and Out

January 19, 2015

So I go to WebMD and enter “too many brownies” and I just get ads for chocolate recipes and links to the Girl Scouts and stuff like that. Meanwhile, I’m backed up and bloated and thinking Betty Crocker should be hit with a class action suit. Thanks, Internet! Thanks for nothing!

If Wishes Were Hippies

January 18, 2015

There was a time when everything was groovy and people thought it was a nifty idea to encourage kids to grow up to be redwood trees. Many people were high and most of them were full of themselves and lava lamps and love beads and waterbeds were used without irony in this magical time. This was the 1970s, an era that gave us the SuperFriends and H. R. Pufnstuf and Hong Kong Phooey and stream of consciousness fare like this – Make A Wish. Seriously, this was a show for children. And it was wonderful!

Order Off The Menu

January 16, 2015

Embarrassing display at lunch yesterday. Bunch of us from work went out to give a send-off this bloke that’s retiring. Came round to me to order. I try to be cool, y’know.  But sometimes I fall short. I mean … I made a mistake, sure, but they didn’t have to laugh at me, did they?

Blast it all.  I honestly thought Groupon was a type of fish.

Shirt Shrift

January 14, 2015

There’s this radio commercial I hear on occasion. Don’t know if it’s local, regional or national but, like so many radio offerings, it pisses me the hell off because it’s so ridiculously stupid.

It begins with a simple question: What’s the best way to bring people together? Whatever a practical answer to this might be, the ad’s is a chorus of people gleefully shouting, “T-SHIRTS!”

Whaaaa – ?! T-shirts are the BEST way to bring people together?! What fantastic, world-changing news! Want to end gridlock in DC? Just get the jokers some t-shirts. Middle East, why you be buggin’? You just haven’t worn the right t-shirts!

Hey, I know it’s just a dumb ad but if you’re going to use a little hyperbole make it at least believable. “Our shirts are the best!” “Everyone loves our shirts!” Not “Our shirts cure cancer!”

And while we’re at it, use a hook that is, at least, universally positive. T-shirts bring people together? Same can be said for funerals.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All-Animal Edition)

January 12, 2015

Five Signs You Married A Monkey

Your compost bin is 90% full of banana peels

Some spouses nitpick; she picks nits

Her family reunions take place in a zoo

That big red ass

Instead of throwing the bouquet, she flings her poo

 

Five Bird Names I Can’t Believe Are Bird Names

Slaty-breasted tinamou

Southern screamer

Erect-crested penguin

Tawny frogmouth

Cinnamon-frosted crampstuffer

 

Five LOLcat Wannabes

BFFzebras

DIAFparrots

WTFbears

BDSMturtles

LMFAOtters

 

Five Dolphin Complaints

Those bastards at Sea World

Fin rot

Since he went Hollywood, Flipper never returns calls

Racists who confuse us with porpoises

Handsy tourists who always wanna stick something in the blowhole

 

Five Reasons Old McDonald Should Be Locked Up

Farm is really a front for illegal pot operation

Runs fetish site involving free range eggs and a some busty milkmaids

“Old McDonald” really a codename for Russian mob hitman

Mrs. McDonald is buried out behind the chicken coop

He’s racked up a list of crimes against nature so extensive that he’s consistently atop PETA’s Most Wanted list