Archive for July, 2010

THAR SHE BLOWS!

July 31, 2010

“If a man knows not what harbor he seeks, any wind is the right wind.” – Seneca

Ah … um … I know there’s a fart joke here but it’s late and I can’t really be bothered.

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Which Krofft

July 30, 2010

If you are of a certain age, you grew up with Saturday morning kids TV and are more than familiar with the names Sid & Marty Krofft.  For years, primarily in the 1970s, theirs was a moniker plastered all over shows like The Bugaloos, Land of the Lost and H.R. Pufnstuf.  Decades later, these programs hold up about as well as a cardboard shack in a category 5 hurricane, but, for those of us who got up early each weekend to watch the latest adventures of Sigmund and the Sea Monsters or Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, just hearing the names of these hippie puppeteers, these masters of the live-action low-budget, this dynamic duo of kiddie kitsch, conjures up many a memorable moment.

So, in honor of Sid Krofft’s 81st birthday, here’s one of the odder (if, in this context, that comparative even applies) series openings:

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

July 28, 2010

Five Things I’ve Never Worn (Not Even Ironically)

Crocs

A tuxedo t-shirt 

A grass skirt

Denim overalls

A monocle

 

Five Epic Songs I Never Get Tired Of

Love Is Like Oxygen – Sweet

Time Has Come Today – The Chambers Brothers

Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding – Elton John

The Abbey Road Medley – The Beatles 

Miami 2017 (Seen the Lights Go out on Broadway) – Billy Joel

 

Five Fun & Unusual Commercials

Specsavers, Das Boot  

Maynards Wine Chews, Moose

Burger King, Cheat On Beef

Vigorsol Cult, Walrus

Smarties, Blue Cat

 

Five Signs Of The Apocalypse (This Week)

Gwynneth Paltrow releases a country song

Zedonk born in Georgia

France declares war on Al-Qaida

Bear crashes car

Jersey Shore cast rings Wall Street Opening Bell

 

Five Alarming Yet Completely Made Up Statistics

8 out of 10 teenagers have killed a neighbor

56% of postal carriers sneeze on the mail they deliver

¾ of U.S. homes are built on Indian burial grounds

11 million Americans think all maps are to scale

99 out of 100 farts are silent but deadly

Sparky MacMillan gads about the house all day

Life Lessons

July 27, 2010

“I was taught very early that I would have to depend entirely upon myself; that my future lay in my own hands.” — Darius Ogden Mills

Yeah.  I learned the same thing in my teen years, too.

Chemical Reaction

July 26, 2010

How do you get rid of old batteries?  I used to flush them but I didn’t think that was good for my septic system.  Sometimes I like to drop them in those kettles that those bell ringing dudes have out in front of the Walmart, primarily because it’s convenient and they always thank you with a smile, but that’s only a few weeks out of the year so it’s scarcely a solution.  Do third world countries need them?  They seem to need a lot, you’d think old batteries would be on the list.

Meanwhile I got a couple of boxes full of these things that are just sittin’ around collecting dust and leaking chemicals.  That can’t be healthy.  Should my hair be falling out in patches like this and should my eyesight be this blurry?  If I didn’t have such debilitating muscle degeneration, I’d haul these boxes down to the curb and let the garbagemen deal with ’em!

YOU F$%&ERS THINK JUST BECAUSE A GUY READS COMICS HE CAN’T START SOME S#!T?

July 25, 2010

I love the headline: 1 arrested in scuffle at Comic-Con in San Diego

It doesn’t say fight or riot or melee or even throwndown, just scuffle.  Because it’s Comic-Con, people. The Geek Mecca!  Nerdhenge!  Fanboys don’t fight; they scuffle!  And you just know it’s over something über-dorky like, “Scarlet Witch is hotter than Zatanna!” “Bull! Scarlet Witch is a tramp compared to Zee!”  “Since when are fishnets not skanky?!”  “Wanda Maximoff is nothing more than Eastern European trailer trash!”  “Zatanna is a backwards-talking whore!” “Take that back, jerkwad!”  And thus, amidst a cacophony of slaps and palm smacks and flailing arms, two out-of-shape dweebs (most likely dressed as either Gene Roddenberry or Joss Whedon characters) become pseudo-men amongst the aisles of Comic-Con.

At least, that’s how I imagine it.

I’m On A Boat

July 23, 2010

Okay, yes, this is only for those whose senses of humor is at about a 7th-grade level (most guys, really).  Anyway, check out this old Johnson Outboard Motor commercial and, well, wonder if they were in on it.

The Man Your Man Could Mel Like

July 22, 2010

It was bound to happen.  And, while not a perfect creation, it has it’s moments.  Witness: The Old Spice Guy talks to Mel Gibson

Warning – not real – and totally not safe for work.

DOA Sharkey!

July 20, 2010

You can ask yourself over and over, “Did we really need another bad SyFy movie?”  You can ask yourself until you’re blue in the face; it just doesn’t matter!  Sharktopus is coming!  And the promo trailer knows how bad it is and wallows in every made-for-TV moment, from the my-how-the-mighty-have-fallen acting of Eric Roberts to the you-so-wish-this-was-Beach-Blanket-Bingo soundtrack to the how-can-we-make-bungee-jumping-even-more-dangerous? ridiculous premises!

Sharktopus. “Enjoy!” isn’t the right word, but you get the idea…

Name Lame 2010

July 19, 2010

Once more, parents across America, blinded by whatever pride, hormones and chutzpah overwhelm their systems upon the birth of their sprogs, have let me down.  Let US down. 

Just released, here are the fastest-rising baby names for the year so far

FASTEST-RISING GIRL’S NAMES
1. Glee
2. Kagan
3. Gaga
4. Twilight
5. Vuvuzela
6. Hulu
7. California Gurl
8. Speidi
9. Palin
10. Ke$ha

FASTEST-RISING BOY’S NAMES

1. The Situation
2. Avatar
3. tie: Edward / Jacob
4. Bieber
5. I’m On A Horse!
6. Rude Boy
7. Kick-Ass
8. Swayze
9. Shamwow
10. Eyjafjallajökull

Sigh.  Again, people, you are naming people, not pets!  Your primary concern is to give them some moniker that’ll keep them A) from getting beat up at recess and B) needing therapy in 30 years!  Let’s do a better job for 2011, ‘kay?